One year ago today I worked my last day as an accountant. One year ago today I stopped living for others and started living for myself. One year ago today I realized my own co-dependence in life and decided that it wasn’t working for me anymore.
Everything I did in life was based on everyone else’s expectations of me. Everything I did, I did because I believed that by doing those things I would earn people’s love and by earning people’s love I would somehow develop my own sense of self worth. I was so enveloped by this idea, this co-dependency that I completely lost myself. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever really knew myself. This co-dependency has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
Over this past year I have explored my passion for photography and writing and within those passions I have learned so much about who I am as a person.
Photography takes you to places you never knew existed. I mean, think about it for a moment. That shutter only takes but a fraction of a second to open and shut. It captures that exact moment in time. It not only captures it but it makes you stop and look at it. Carrying a camera around has made me look at life at a deeper level. It’s made me slow down and notice things around me. When you get right down to it, it’s made me live in the moment. I was absolutely present in each and every one of those moments I’ve captured.
The past few months I’ve notice that I haven’t been carrying my camera around as much and I can feel a difference in my perspective on things.
Writing affords you the pleasure of creating your own space in the world, or other worlds depending on the genre in which you write. Writing, for me, is like breathing. There have been days when all I can do is think about this one thing, or several things, that I absolutely have to stop and write down before doing anything else, no matter what I’m doing! It’s like the toddler at your feet screaming, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy look! Mommy!” If you don’t pay attention to it you just won’t be able to finish the task at hand.
Not only has this past year of my new life blessed me with words, it’s also blessed me with a realization of a dream I’ve always had which is to be a published writer. The first erotica story I wrote for a BDSM anthology was actually accepted and will be published in the Spring of 2012. It’s being published by Cleis Press and is edited by the amazingly talented Sinclair Sexsmith. I’m not publishing under a nom de plum so look for my name when the book comes out. I hope you’ll be :ehem: satisfied with the story.
Considering where I started, I’ve come a long way in the last year. To gain a bit more clarity about where I started, check out my post from September 28, 2010, Forming New Habits. Rereading that post made me realize just how far I’ve come.
The road doesn’t stop here, though. I’m excited to see where it takes me in the next year and look forward to finding out more about me.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin