I had fully intended on spending the day writing. What the day turned out to be was a slow stroll through my past by way of my journals.
I've kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I didn't hang on to the journals I wrote in before 1994. I went through a period of time where the fear of someone finding them was stronger then the desire to hold on to those memories so I destroyed them. Looking back now, I wish I hadn't.
Reading through the journals that I have so far, there is a definite sense of self growth. It's clear that I've been searching for my passion and my purpose for most of my adult life now. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse about not quite finding them yet, but it is what it is and I will continue on my search.
One of the entries that stood out for me today was one that was made on May 14, 2005. I was at a retreat for women through the church I was attending off and on. More of a metaphysical/spiritual type church as opposed to the religious type. I'm sure the retreat title had "Goddess" in there somewhere. We spent a lot of time in guided meditations and drum circles. The photo in this post is of me reading a couple of my poems during our "Goddess Theater" the last night of the retreat.
The entry was from an intense morning and afternoon session where I faced some fears about this life. The entire day I spent wanting to run away from the intensity but I forced myself to stay. Instead of summarizing it I'll give you a portion of it to read.
"My urge to run was so strong. But, I thought that it would be better for me to check out part way and stay in the space then to leave it completely. It was a good decision. I mostly stayed in meditation and mentally sang to myself. Comforting and loving myself.
After the exercise I came out of meditation and wasn't fully present. I still wanted to run. Instead I just got spacey.
Reading through that entry brought back that feeling of terror that I felt while in that mediation. It also made me realize how far I've come since then. I can honestly say that envisioning myself in that river now brings me peace. I can float along in it in complete trust and even splash around playfully.The next mediation that Maggie lead us through broke me down completely. We were envisioning ourselves next to a river that represented life. Then she had us jump in and float down the river trusting in it's path. I found myself clawing at the bank trying so hard to get out because I was terrified of it. No trust. No faith. Nothing. Just complete fear and deep felt terror. I cried through the entire exercise. Then, when we came out of it we shared our experience within our small groups. I held it together while everyone else shared. When it was my turn I immediately started crying. After I finally got my words out Celeste asked if she could hug me. I fell into her arms and sobbed. She just kept holding me and telling me how beautiful and perfect I am. It was exactly what I needed. Afterwards, I still wanted to crawl up into a ball and hide behind the alter but I didn't. I made the commitment to myself to have more trust in life and where it's taking me."
It hasn't been an easy path but I'm so glad I've walked it and have these journals to remind myself of just how far I've come. For all of my emotional work and those that have helped me to get here, I am eternally grateful.
Before I left the retreat I made a commitment to myself to continuously discover my authentic self and to love and accept myself exactly as I am. It's nice to see that I followed through with that commitment and am still on this path.