"“Those who fail to achieve a cohesive identity-who experience an identity crisis-will exhibit a confusion of roles,”  not knowing who they are, where they belong, or where they want to go. This sort of unresolved crisis leaves individuals struggling to “find themselves.”"
This is exactly where I am these days and, at 41 years of age, should not be. This is where you are when you're getting ready to graduate high school and trying to figure out what to major in. Right?! It's an adolescent issue. Not something you try and figure out at 41. Needless to say, I'm frustrated with it.
I understand how I got here. With both parents struggling with addiction while doing their best to raise me I had to mature at a faster rate then most kids my age in order to take care of them. I grew into the caretaker and peacemaker role. I was the 'perfect' child in the dysfunctional family model.
Shortly after graduating from high school I moved from one home to another, from my adopted Mother's to my birth Mother's and shortly after that move I joined the military. A year and a half later I was married to a man who I saw as needing to be taken care of and pregnant with my son, who would, of course, also need to be taken care of. It's been my role in this life. Caretaker of others.
It's also been a bit of a curse because I allowed it to take over and drown out any sort of identity I may have wanted to create for myself or find for myself. It was my way of getting others to love me and accept me. So, here I sit at 41 years of age wondering what it's all about and where I'm supposed to go from here. Sitting on a mountain of debt from my own schooling and my son's, among other things, with no interest in a career and 'struggling to find myself' while I look at those around me and try desperately not to compare myself to them. But it's hard not to do. It's hard not to compare myself to them and it often times has me feeling like a failure. I admit it. This is me opening the festering wound to expose to the world. This, in itself, creates all kinds of anxiety within relationships of all kinds, as well, causing this horribly dark circle of thinking to continue.
On the other hand, this is an incredible opportunity for growth. An opportunity for me to look at those things that I have accomplished in my life, change the programming in my head and focus on the positive, as they say.
Currently, I'm working a part-time job and have an offer for another part-time job and a full-time job. None of them are 'careers' nor anything to be tremendously proud of, like a doctor or a lawyer or what-not. They're just jobs. But the company at the full-time job really wants me to come back and work for them again. It's not the first time they've tried to get me to work for them permanently. They say they really value my work ethic. It's not a career but those are positive things to look at.
Honestly, at this point, I don't even know what a career would look like for me. I'm not even sure why I'm putting this all out there or what it is I'm looking for, but, there you have it. My current struggle with life. An identity crisis at age 41.
Maybe in December when I turn 42 the answer to life will magically appear. That is the answer to life, you know. 42. (Read the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.) Hmmm...we'll see.