|My lunch today.|
Today is my first day on a system “reboot”. Today and for the next 10 to 15 days I will be eating nothing but fruits and vegetables. Salads, smoothies, juices and slightly cooked vegetables. I say 10 to 15 days because I'm eating all organic and I'm not sure that I'll be able to afford to make it through the entire 15 days. It's about $30 a day to do this reboot with organic produce. If I choose to eat non-organic it's about $15 a day. The thing is, I want to taste my food if all I'm eating is fruits and vegetables. I also can't stand the thought of all the chemicals used to grow non-organic produce and genetically modified foods just plain creep me out.
The idea of this “reboot” is to cleanse my body and give it a rest from the difficult work of processing foods like meat, dairy and processed foods. I'm also incorporating it into getting back into exercising and eating better in order to take better care of myself.
Physically, I'm feeling pretty good today. It's amazing how much fruits and vegetables fill me up. I haven't been hungry but I've noticed that I've thought about snacking. But it has nothing to do with being hungry.
Emotionally, I seem to be struggling. I want to feed my emotions and I find myself with a sense of sadness. I know that this isn't a permanent diet and that the foods that I gave up to do this will be available to me again, albeit at a more moderated level, but for some reason my brain just hasn't wrapped around that idea. I feel as if I'm grieving the loss of my friends and I can't help but look at those feelings with a sense of wonder. After all, I am talking about food. Not people.
I miss coffee the most. I haven't had any for the last 6 days nor have I had any caffeine for the last 4 days. I've been drinking coffee off and on (mostly on) for the last 26 years. It's become a “comfort food” for me. Today is one of those days where I'd normally curl up on the couch with a book and a cup of coffee while the fire burned in the fireplace and the snow fell outside. There isn't anything in the world for me that could take it's place.
Emotional attachments to food are difficult to break, to say the least. Our memories, when they're connected to our senses, easily come back to us when one or more of our senses are triggered. The idea that food made everything okay for me when things really were not okay is difficult for me to fully accept. Before embarking on this reboot I felt pretty confident that I could control the things that I ate if it really mattered. Health reasons matter so it should be easy. That just doesn't seem to be the case when the emotional attachments come into the picture.
From there I seem to fall into this circular pattern of criticizing myself and seeing myself as weak. Not a good place to be.
I hope that my writing about them, acknowledging them and accepting them can help me to eventually let them go.
This isn't going to be easy.