My Dearest Son,
I wish I would have known then what I
know now. I was so young and so very inexperienced at life when I
gave birth to you. When I say “we grew up together”, I really
mean that we grew up together in this life. Looking back from
here, there are a lot of things that were said and done that I wish
were not. If only for knowing the effect that it would have on you
now.
I wanted nothing more then to give you
the strength, the courage and the confidence to be yourself in this
world. To be unapologetically authentically you.
The power of words has never before
been more apparent to me until last night. I've always known, from my
own experiences, that they can kill any form of self-confidence
almost instantly but never have I known how painful that could be
until you shared with me your memory of those six little words.
Separately they are harmless but put together in a sentence they can
squash one's bud of self worth growth instantly.
“He didn't even fight for you.”
I could tell you that I backed him into
a corner during the divorce. I can tell you that I gave him no
options. I could tell you that he's played the victim all of his
life. I can tell you that he did, in his sorry attempt, try to fight
by having someone “serve” me court papers on Mother's Day so long
ago. Court papers that weren't even filed. I could do my best to help
you understand the situation but I can't take back those words nor
the effect that they've had on you all this time. Twelve long years
you've been dealing with this.
The actions of a man who is so unworthy
of your attention still has an effect on you because of the
biological connection. We all long for the acceptance and approval of
our parents from the moment we enter this realm of existence. It's
human nature.
The co-dependent in me wants to make
excuses for him in the hopes that it will help you heal past this but
I know that this will be something that you, yourself, will have to
heal from. No excuse can magically heal years of pain and that
feeling of “I'm not enough”.
I am so sorry for the choices I made
while I was young. I am so sorry for choosing him to be your Father
in this life. Though the divorce was such an angry time for me, I
wish I could have seen past my anger when talking to you about what
was happening. You were only 9 years-old. You didn't have to know
everything that was happening nor did you ever have to hear those
words.
When you can see past the sadness and
the pain, I hope you can see how hard I fought for you not only
during the divorce but through the years to help you become the
person you want to be. You are more then worthy of my struggle in
this life to help you create your own life where, hopefully, it won't
be as much of a struggle as I've endured. I hope that by looking at
it from this perspective that it gives you a sense of “enough”.
You are worthy, you are deserving, you are more than enough.
You are an amazing human being filled
with so much compassion, creativity, love, intelligence, honor and
courage.
I can't wait to see you find that in
yourself, fall in love with yourself and fly.
All my love always,
Your Very Proud Mom
This is a very honest, heartfelt post, and it gave me hope, that perhaps one day, I'll be able to communicate such things to my children. I try, but they're teenagers, and we seem to have reached a time in our coexistence, in which nothing is going to be agreed upon, I know nothing, they know everything, and when they're 18, they can do what they want. I know my son struggles due to the lack of relationship with his dad (even though he sees him every other weekend... sometimes it's worse to have someone who is physically present, but absent in every other way), and I know my daughter struggles for the same reasons, and perhaps more... but right now, there is no remorse, no getting through to them. I will wait :)
ReplyDeleteIn those difficult times when my son was in his teens, I would try and remember how I felt when I was his age. It seemed to help me a lot in communicating, well, understanding what he might have been feeling. I remember being in my teens and not knowing exactly what or how I was feeling so there was no way I was able to articulate it, let alone talk to my Mom about it.
DeleteNow that my son is 21, the lines of communication are starting to open up, albeit slowly, but they are opening up. So, yes. There is hope. Hang in there!
This is a lovely post, it was at times hard for me to read. I have 2 boys, just entering their teens, they are the victim of divorce, and I unfortunately do not get to see them every day. I have an unspeakable amount of guilt regarding this that I almost never speak of it. I can only hope that one day we will be close..not just our relationship, but distance wise as well. I do know..that the years ahead for them, and I, will be the hardest.
ReplyDeleteYour son is very lucky to have a Mother like you..and I wish you both the best.
Thank you, Tracy. I wish you and your boys the best, as well. Motherhood is not easy. Hang in there.
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