Thursday, May 10, 2012

Mother's Guilt


My Dearest Son,

I wish I would have known then what I know now. I was so young and so very inexperienced at life when I gave birth to you. When I say “we grew up together”, I really mean that we grew up together in this life. Looking back from here, there are a lot of things that were said and done that I wish were not. If only for knowing the effect that it would have on you now.

I wanted nothing more then to give you the strength, the courage and the confidence to be yourself in this world. To be unapologetically authentically you.

The power of words has never before been more apparent to me until last night. I've always known, from my own experiences, that they can kill any form of self-confidence almost instantly but never have I known how painful that could be until you shared with me your memory of those six little words. Separately they are harmless but put together in a sentence they can squash one's bud of self worth growth instantly.

“He didn't even fight for you.”

I could tell you that I backed him into a corner during the divorce. I can tell you that I gave him no options. I could tell you that he's played the victim all of his life. I can tell you that he did, in his sorry attempt, try to fight by having someone “serve” me court papers on Mother's Day so long ago. Court papers that weren't even filed. I could do my best to help you understand the situation but I can't take back those words nor the effect that they've had on you all this time. Twelve long years you've been dealing with this.

The actions of a man who is so unworthy of your attention still has an effect on you because of the biological connection. We all long for the acceptance and approval of our parents from the moment we enter this realm of existence. It's human nature.

The co-dependent in me wants to make excuses for him in the hopes that it will help you heal past this but I know that this will be something that you, yourself, will have to heal from. No excuse can magically heal years of pain and that feeling of “I'm not enough”.

I am so sorry for the choices I made while I was young. I am so sorry for choosing him to be your Father in this life. Though the divorce was such an angry time for me, I wish I could have seen past my anger when talking to you about what was happening. You were only 9 years-old. You didn't have to know everything that was happening nor did you ever have to hear those words.

When you can see past the sadness and the pain, I hope you can see how hard I fought for you not only during the divorce but through the years to help you become the person you want to be. You are more then worthy of my struggle in this life to help you create your own life where, hopefully, it won't be as much of a struggle as I've endured. I hope that by looking at it from this perspective that it gives you a sense of “enough”. You are worthy, you are deserving, you are more than enough.

You are an amazing human being filled with so much compassion, creativity, love, intelligence, honor and courage.

I can't wait to see you find that in yourself, fall in love with yourself and fly.

All my love always,
Your Very Proud Mom

4 comments:

  1. This is a very honest, heartfelt post, and it gave me hope, that perhaps one day, I'll be able to communicate such things to my children. I try, but they're teenagers, and we seem to have reached a time in our coexistence, in which nothing is going to be agreed upon, I know nothing, they know everything, and when they're 18, they can do what they want. I know my son struggles due to the lack of relationship with his dad (even though he sees him every other weekend... sometimes it's worse to have someone who is physically present, but absent in every other way), and I know my daughter struggles for the same reasons, and perhaps more... but right now, there is no remorse, no getting through to them. I will wait :)

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    1. In those difficult times when my son was in his teens, I would try and remember how I felt when I was his age. It seemed to help me a lot in communicating, well, understanding what he might have been feeling. I remember being in my teens and not knowing exactly what or how I was feeling so there was no way I was able to articulate it, let alone talk to my Mom about it.

      Now that my son is 21, the lines of communication are starting to open up, albeit slowly, but they are opening up. So, yes. There is hope. Hang in there!

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  2. This is a lovely post, it was at times hard for me to read. I have 2 boys, just entering their teens, they are the victim of divorce, and I unfortunately do not get to see them every day. I have an unspeakable amount of guilt regarding this that I almost never speak of it. I can only hope that one day we will be close..not just our relationship, but distance wise as well. I do know..that the years ahead for them, and I, will be the hardest.
    Your son is very lucky to have a Mother like you..and I wish you both the best.

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    1. Thank you, Tracy. I wish you and your boys the best, as well. Motherhood is not easy. Hang in there.

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