Or “Me Trying To Talk Myself In To Going To Work Again”.
My mind has been incredibly scattered these last few months. There are so many subjects racing through it and their all in little tid bits. Everything from butch bonding to gender stereotypes to community. I try to sit down and write about them when they hit me but my days have been mostly filled with working or recovering from working.
I'm back in this place again. The place where I found myself when I left the accounting world. The place that's frustrated with having to work outside of where my passion lies just to get by. It takes up so much head space but it also frees up the head space that fills when I can't pay my bills. I've resigned myself to the fact that I am just too responsible to let things go and have refocused myself on becoming as debt free as I possibly can. Being debt free equals freedom to me. So much freedom.
On the other hand, is that not such a good way to look at things? Being debt free could be seen as lacking or unsuccessful. Think about that for a moment. If you're debt free you most likely don't own a home, because most of us have a mortgage associated with owning a home, and if you choose to be debt free then aren't you setting yourself up to be unsuccessful? You don't have to make much money if you're debt free so the lack of stress that comes with not having to have a certain amount of income could, possibly, keep one from motivating themselves to push harder to succeed. Does success equal money?
But, not having that stress is, to me, associated with having the time and space to relax into my creativity. To be open to it whenever it starts to flow and to have the time to learn more about the mediums I choose for my arts.
Wasn't I supposed to be independently wealthy in this life? Wasn't I supposed to be able to get through college without having to take on student debt? Wasn't I supposed to be able to put my son through college without having to take on parent plus loans? Yes, we both could have taken different routes but why should we have chosen a path of least resistance when it's wasn't what we wanted?
My idea of success for myself looks like this: my creative passions (writing and photography) completely support me emotionally, mentally, physically and financially in this life. So, it seems to me that becoming as debt free as I possibly can is the first step towards that life and that success.
Paying off my car and taking care of the old credit card debts is where I need to start. If I can just stay focused on this goal, perhaps I can find a way to stop feeling so burnt out on the job.