Monday, October 29, 2012

Where My Thoughts Are Lately

Photo by Del Rapier
I know I've been pretty quiet lately. I haven't been prioritizing writing at all lately and I miss it. Terribly. But, lately when I sit down to write I don't even know where to start so I sit there in front of the screen completely frozen. So, this morning I'm just going to get some things out. Things that have been in my head as of late.

Lately, I've found myself re-reading my last post over and over again. Moments when I feel less secure or when I feel myself slip back into old relationship patterns. The ones that are dictated by my fear of abandonment. The fear I've carried since those first 5 days in this plane of existence.

I've been immersed in Brene' Brown's book about shame titled "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)" and it's brought up a lot of stuff for me. Mostly, it's sort of putting the pieces of the puzzle together in that I can more clearly see the feelings that surround that fear of abandonment. Shame, feelings of not being enough, unlovable, and unnecessary. Being vulnerable with someone I love can be terrifying because of that fear of abandonment. What if they see all of me and fall out of love or discover they never really loved me in the first place? Not being vulnerable with them makes me feel 10 million miles away from them when all I want is to be close and feel connected.

We all just want to belong and to be loved.

Even as I type this I can hear this voice in the back of my head teasing me and taunting me about feeling this way. "No one wants to see this dribble. Who cares how you feel. Stop being so weak and suck it up."

Then my rational side kicks in and reminds me that this is being vulnerable and that being vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. It's not about weakness at all. Also, stay in the moment. Remember what you wrote about love and having forever with yourself? That if you get that forever with someone else, it's a bonus? Enjoy these moments. Be here now.

Let the stories of your past go. Don't let them dictate your future.

11 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. I need to get that book. I have issues too. Big hairy ball of issues.

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    1. Thank you. It's an awesome book. I highly recommend both of her books.

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  2. I love the way you articulate that struggle between wanting to feel connected and feeling terrified at what will happen if we are vulnerable enough to risk connection. You are not alone.

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  3. I found your blog through your profile on goodreads. I can really relate to the last couple of posts you made. I have similar fears too - especially fear of abandonment. In the past I've molded myself to fit what others expect of me, or what I think they expect of me... doing everything that denies who I am as a person. Thinking I'll receive love in return. It's hard to have a healthy relationship when one half doesn't even know who they are. Anyway it sounds like you have a lot of wisdom on this subject. I've only just started my journey, so I appreciate reading your posts. Your dribble is valuable :)

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    1. Thank you so much. Also, welcome to my home of dribble. (:

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  4. It's not dribble, and posting it shows courage and also helps us all see that we're not alone in these thoughts.

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  5. I just stumbled onto your blog and I feel, hear and understand everything in this post. This is exactly where I am in my life right now. Thank you for articulating your struggles. They seem to be universal. I'm looking forward to reading more.

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  6. You need to tell that bitch in the back of your head to shut the f*&k up, pack her shit and get the hell out. :-D

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