Friday, February 17, 2012

Wings





Soon after leaving my life as an accountant in 2010 I began to crave a new tattoo to signify that transition in my life.

I wanted something tribal like that took the form of wings.  Wings represent my courage to fly and to embrace my new found freedom.

The freedom to be me.  To fully accept myself and to soar through the rest of this life unapologetically me.  An artist, photographer, writer, butch, lover, partner, friend, Mother, daughter, sister, motorcycle rider, lesbian woman who is comfortable in her skin and confidently moving through this life one fully present moment at a time.

Yes, I continue to work on those last couple of things but I do continue to work on them and probably won't ever stop.  One of the many valuable things I've learned in this life so far is that self growth is a never ending process.

Part of this tattoo is covering up a piece I had done by the same artist just after getting out of a one year relationship.  I wanted so badly to cling to that relationship because of my past experiences with love.  Before getting into it I was convinced I'd never love again.  Looking back at it now, it all seemed overly dramatic.  Honestly, our emotions can take us to very strange places.  After all, it was a very short term relationship. But, perhaps I was also working through some things that I hadn't worked through during the ending of my prior relationship.  I'm not sure, really.  But, what's done is done.  The past is the past and it's best to take our lessons from it and move forward. 

I have since learned my lesson about relationship tattoos and although I don't regret having it done, my thinking at that time was not clear enough to have made that decision rationally.  I have decided to keep the color of the first tattoo showing in the negative spaces of the new tattoo as a reminder.


These are my wings in process.  

My wings of freedom. 

Freedom to be me.  

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Have You Seen Her?

I find myself in this mental space of trying to figure out exactly who I am and it feels a bit odd.  The title of this blog suits me better then I once thought.  I've spent so many years focused on things outside of myself and others around me that I am very much a stranger to myself. 

It's sort of an odd space to find myself in.  It seems as though I am walking in this spiral and continue to come back to this space over and over and over again.  The pull of it deepening with each pass. 

The question remains though.  Who am I?  What are my passions?  My strengths?  My weaknesses?  My likes and dislikes?  What do I stand for? 

Deep thoughts on this Thursday. 

The thing about this blog is I find myself stressing over what to write lately.  Again.  I allow thoughts about it that run through my head to torture me.  "I should be writing more about my butch experience."  "I should write about current events."  "I should write about things that people want to read."  There's an underlying sense of wanting attention that I've never fully admitted to myself before.  I am completely uncomfortable with it.  Wanting to crawl out of my skin uncomfortable with it. 

Where the fuck did that come from?

Excuse me while I go ponder this a bit more.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Creativity Is A Sneaky Little Wench

My son working on his graphic novel idea.
I see creativity as this  energy that always exists somewhere out there in the space around us.  I also believe that we have the power to communicate with it, or rather, open ourselves up to it and act as it's vessel so that it may manifest itself here in this plane of existence. 

Creativity can flow through us at any moment and sometimes at the most inopportune moments, like when you're in the middle of a work shift or driving or carrying something heavy. It doesn't wait around for you to be ready to open yourself up to it.  Well, maybe sometimes it does, like when you think of something and quickly write the idea down then successfully come back to it later. 

Therein lies the key for me.  "Successfully come back to it later."  I still struggle with that part of it. 

Today, while writing in my journal (yes, real pen and paper!) I connected it to the same struggle I've been dealing with most of my life.  It's about doing something for myself.  It feels selfish and I feel unworthy of that kind of attention.  I've made it into this thing that does nothing but create loads of pressure and makes it so unenjoyable that I've lost touch with my love for doing it in the first place. Way before I did it to get attention and hope to make a little money at the same time. 

Once again, my passion for anything creative has given way to trying to survive in this world and it's disappeared under the guise of how I still truly feel about myself.  So much so that now, whenever creativity appears I quickly dismiss her and send her on her way. 

She keeps coming back though.  Gently tapping on my shoulder and whispering in my ear stories that should be written, photographs that should be taken and shapes that should be drawn. She's persistent like that and she'll keep coming back until I finally figure out that I am worthy. 

When I started to think about the deeper aspect of it all I realized that we are all worthy.  We are all artists.  Every single one of us.

This life is our canvas. 

What we do with it is our masterpiece. 

What we do with it. That is what people will remember when we are long gone.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Post Crossing - A Cool Find!

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time you'll know that I am a huge proponent of snail mail. This evening I was introduced to Post Crossing and it sounds so fun that I'm signing up for it and wanted to share it with all of you!

Check it out! http://www.postcrossing.com/

Some friends of mine signed up and have already received these!