There was a time in my life when I
believed in a “Universal Presence”. An energy that filled the
spaces in between. If I “fed” it enough positive energy and
positive thoughts I could make positive things happen. I was a member
of the Center For Spiritual Living (the church that Ernest Holmes
started with several others) and was studying to be a practitioner. I
wanted to become someone who could help others by doing “treatments”,
otherwise known as prayers, and always seeing them as whole, happy
and complete. But, life happened and finances kept me from continuing
on that study path.
A couple years after that I craved a
spiritual outlet (or inlet depending on your perspective) so I looked
into Zen Buddhism. Meditation was always the foundation of my
spiritual house and, at the time, I needed to learn how to be more
present in the world. After attending a 3 day silent retreat at a
monastery in Clatskanie, Oregon I began my Zen practice at a local
zendo here in Portland. I found the practice to be very enlightening
and benefited greatly from my daily sitting.
But, as I became more connected to the
world around me I felt it's profoundly heavy pain and sorrow. So much
so that it scared me. So I stopped. I stopped sitting, stopped
meditating, stopped trying to be present and mindful. I cut off the
connection and felt myself become bitter to the world.
It's been close to four years since
I've had a meditation practice. Four years of being disconnected from
everything in the world besides what and who I choose to be connected
to. I've always been a spiritual person in some way, shape or form so
to be without it now somehow makes life feel....empty.
So the question is, can I get back to
it? Can I be spiritual again after this time of complete and utter
bitterness? Can I get past the cynicism at this point? If not, is
there anything else out there? Something I can believe in? Not just
follow blindly but actually believe in?
I don't know nor do I know where to
start. Perhaps a good place to start is to try meditation again. Do
what I can to focus on the positive.
