This move I've made to the opposite coast seems to have brought the space I needed to turn and face some of my demons. In doing that I've come to realize the hurt and pain I've caused many of the people who I love the most in this world. Specially over the past 6 months. When things got a little hard for me in my last relationship I'm ashamed to admit it but I chose to run instead of dealing with it. In running I left a wake of destruction. Once I realized what I had done and clearly saw that wake, I owned up to it and wrote to the person who I had wronged the most, apologizing for the pain I caused her in my selfishness and cowardice. I hope one day she will be able to forgive me.
Since making that realization, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I spent this morning reading through my blog entries from 2010. Certain entries in particular seem to be true for me once again, which is interesting. My very first blog post, Starting Over, was all about my finding this path again. Then, most of my posts in 2010 were all about finding myself and living authentically.
This path is one I've started down a couple of times in this life but when I reached a fork in the path I chose to veer off and burry myself in a relationship. Instead of sitting through those feelings of needing to be loved I dove right into them head first.
Here I sit once again at the foot of this very same path. Seeing this pattern, it's become clear to me that I absolutely have to stay on the path this time. Which means, unfortunately, that jumping into a relationship again at this point is not an option. I lose myself in relationships because of the "perfect child" in me. Not knowing who I am means I have no solid foundation from which to build. I attach myself to the other person's foundation and mold myself into what they want me to be so they'll love me. This is why any relationship I get into right now would be doomed from the start. I just wish I had realized that completely before moving and causing more pain for someone else who I love dearly. My past love. She is too wonderful of a woman to cause even more pain to so I had to stop us before we went any further. I feel awful about it but in my heart I know it's the right thing to do. For both of us.
I have a lot of healing and introspection to do. Once I completely let go of the self hatred that I've stepped into and forgive myself for my transgressions, I hope to fully start again down this path of discovering me. I am sad, terrified and feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed but the good part about that is I recognize what I'm feeling. I acknowledge those feelings and am doing my best to sit with them rather then letting them make my decisions for me. This is completely new for me. One foot in front of the other I go.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." - Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart