Saturday, November 23, 2013

Here I Am Back In This Space Again

This move I've made to the opposite coast seems to have brought the space I needed to turn and face some of my demons. In doing that I've come to realize the hurt and pain I've caused many of the people who I love the most in this world. Specially over the past 6 months. When things got a little hard for me in my last relationship I'm ashamed to admit it but I chose to run instead of dealing with it. In running I left a wake of destruction. Once I realized what I had done and clearly saw that wake, I owned up to it and wrote to the person who I had wronged the most, apologizing for the pain I caused her in my selfishness and cowardice. I hope one day she will be able to forgive me.

Since making that realization, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I spent this morning reading through my blog entries from 2010. Certain entries in particular seem to be true for me once again, which is interesting. My very first blog post, Starting Over, was all about my finding this path again. Then, most of my posts in 2010 were all about finding myself and living authentically. 

This path is one I've started down a couple of times in this life but when I reached a fork in the path I chose to veer off and burry myself in a relationship. Instead of sitting through those feelings of needing to be loved I dove right into them head first.

Here I sit once again at the foot of this very same path. Seeing this pattern, it's become clear to me that I absolutely have to stay on the path this time. Which means, unfortunately, that jumping into a relationship again at this point is not an option. I lose myself in relationships because of the "perfect child" in me. Not knowing who I am means I have no solid foundation from which to build. I attach myself to the other person's foundation and mold myself into what they want me to be so they'll love me. This is why any relationship I get into right now would be doomed from the start. I just wish I had realized that completely before moving and causing more pain for someone else who I love dearly. My past love. She is too wonderful of a woman to cause even more pain to so I had to stop us before we went any further. I feel awful about it but in my heart I know it's the right thing to do. For both of us.

I have a lot of healing and introspection to do. Once I completely let go of the self hatred that I've stepped into and forgive myself for my transgressions, I hope to fully start again down this path of discovering me. I am sad, terrified and feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed but the good part about that is I recognize what I'm feeling. I acknowledge those feelings and am doing my best to sit with them rather then letting them make my decisions for me. This is completely new for me. One foot in front of the other I go.

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." - Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart


  1. It is so admirable that you recognize where you are and own it! Be kind to yourself. Let go of self hatred...that serves no one. You simply made choices with what you had in the moment. This makes you wholy (holy), perfectly human. Love and blessings to you! Jen Silence

    1. Thank you, Jen. I'm doing my best.

  2. One foot in front of the other. I too admire where you are and the courage to sit in your feelings- often one of the hardest things to do. LOVE that quote, how very true. Best wishes and positive energy sent your way. Stay strong and try softer, especially with yourself! :)

  3. Thank you for writing this. I had an epiphany reading this entry!

    Adopted too and not able to get into a relationship at all so the pattern is changing countries and seeing the grass greener always on the other side, and people always "perfecter" than me..

    47 and feeling like Teflon for love.

    Striving for perfection every day of my life and now, after months of grueling effort to lose weight to " become beautiful", I'm being told something is wrong with me because I'm pretty,single and don't have a history of relationships or even been married with kids!

    Thank God for having a sense of humor because you've got to laugh at this insanity...

    The thing is you never win in that race for perfection and the stress, quoting Dr Phil of " living with sweaty palms" wears you off.Being hyper vigilant and looking over one's shoulder to see if you're the most loved and determine when you're going to get your walking papers( because there is never the trust that you there is any permanence in love) for one little infraction that's going to unmask you as imperfect is like living in a war zone .

    It all begins with recognising the patterns and disempowering them.

    I wish people truly knew about the effects of abandonment on adopted children and the trauma it generates. This is like suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

    You are blessed to have a relationship with your biological mother and have access to your story.

    I was lucky that when the abandonment issue became unbearable and rendered me dysfunctional to find a therapist who, coincidentally, was adopted. I recommend a book called the Primal Scream.

    I think that the gift of adoption is to be able to substitute roots for wings. Happy soaring!

    1. The book I was referring to is called the Primal Wound not the Primal Scream.

    2. Thank you! I am already searching for a copy of the book at the local library.

      I am incredibly blessed to have a relationship with my birthmother. It's helped me along this path tremendously. So glad you're working through your trauma. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts and insights! It's so good to be validated. :)

  4. That was a powerful post, and I wish you well. Will you be moving back to Portland?

    1. Thank you. Yes. I don't know when but I will be moving back.