Saturday, March 1, 2014

In All Honesty


This is me standing up to my toxic thinking.
Letting go of the past does not equate to forgetting about it.

Letting go means I remember it, honor it and take the lessons from it but I do not dwell on it nor live in it. I live in the present and begin the rest of my life from this moment as a better person because I have learned from my mistakes. I will make more, I am only human. But I will learn from those as well. I will also forgive myself, let go, embrace the lessons and move on doing my best to never make those mistakes again.

Staying single is about finding trust in myself. Trust in knowing I can make myself happy and that I don't have to struggle in this life any longer nor find someone that will make me happy. The finances are part of it but I want to make it clear that I'm doing it for me. Not for a potential partner nor to find a space in this society where I am accepted as a responsible person. I've spent my entire life being responsible and trying to be accepted by society. I don't need society's approval and I don't have to prove myself to anyone but me.

In my meditations on all of this, what I've discovered is I need to prove to myself that my self worth comes from me and only me. Hence the word “self” in “self worth”. It doesn't come from any other person on this planet. The other night while sitting on the couch I realized that my self worth has been wrapped up in things outside of myself. For far too long now it has been wrapped up in the idea of someone loving me or needing me. If no one needs me or is interested in me then I am worthless. Even as I sent a text message about this epiphany to my Mom I realized that I was looking to her to tell me what my worth is. Wow, Wendi, really?

I've handed over this power to those around me that, in essence, dictates whether or not I am worthy of existing in this world.

Let me say that again because it is a rather heavily weighted sentence. For me, at least.

I have handed over power to others that dictates whether or not I am worthy of existing in this world.

Holy shit.

That power comes in many forms; comparing myself to others, molding myself into what someone wants in order to gain their love and attention, denying my own self in relationships to keep others loving me, and so many other ways I'm sure I'll think of later.

It's time to stop. I'm taking back that power and am now on a journey to find my own self worth. Because I am so new to this and I've freely given this power away without even knowing it, I am choosing to remain single for now. Less distractions on the path, perhaps, but also knowing that the waves caused by my splashing about in this muck won't crash into someone so close to me is comforting. By the time they reach those around me they will be a small wave of white foam. I do my best to protect the ones I love.

In my post about shifting perspective I was, in all honesty, being very tough on myself by plotting out something that may be next to impossible to achieve. Even as I typed those words about how I plan on getting my financial ship turned upright and staying single until it's done, I realized that I was setting myself up to be single for the remainder of my life. But I didn't stop typing. I didn't edit any of it. Why? Because deep down inside the real issue is I don't feel worthy of being loved.

Ah ha! There it is. The same wall I keep running up against over and over thinking it'll be different this time.

Oh crap.

Ok, maybe this time.

Shit.

Now?

Damn.

The truth of the matter is, I don't want to be single for the remainder of my days so let's squash this booger now, shall we?

I want to feel worthy of being loved. I want to know that I am comfortable being single, confident in who I am and completely aware of my own self worth. It's taking a lot of work, a lot of grief and a hell of a lot of reprogramming but I am doing it. Day by day and sometimes moment by moment I am walking this Earth in awareness of myself, my emotions and my thoughts. Recognizing those old thought patterns will help me change them by redirecting them to a more positive and self affirming space.

There have been and will be slips along the way. Like I said earlier, I am only human. But the more I practice the better I'll get at it. Eventually, it'll just come naturally.

Looking back in this blog I found this post I made back in August of 2011. It's interesting how I keep coming back to the same thing. Interesting and a wee bit annoying. Let's get past this now.

4 comments:

  1. Awesome. Wendi, wouldn't you like to move to Austin? Amazing social opportunities. Hill Country to ride your motorcycle in. Me to do stuff with. Running and biking marathons. Kayaking and SUP. Sunshine, Sunshine, Sunshine! I am on a similar path but not getting my shit together. Except for not being in debt. I live in an efficiency apartment, though. No house. Austin is way cool like Portland, only with sunshine. I think you should move here. We can be buddies and support each other on this road to successful singleness. :-)

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    1. Thank you, Chris, but Austin isn't Portland and Portland is where my family is. I miss them so much.

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