A Stranger In This Place

A Beautiful Message

2012-02-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

Wings

2012-02-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

Soon after leaving my life as an accountant in 2010 I began to crave a new tattoo to signify that transition in my life.

I wanted something tribal like that took the form of wings. Wings represent my courage to fly and to embrace my new found freedom.

The freedom to be me. To fully accept myself and to soar through the rest of this life unapologetically me. An artist, photographer, writer, butch, lover, partner, friend, Mother, daughter, sister, motorcycle rider, lesbian woman who is comfortable in her skin and confidently moving through this life one fully present moment at a time.

Yes, I continue to work on those last couple of things but I do continue to work on them and probably won't ever stop. One of the many valuable things I've learned in this life so far is that self growth is a never ending process.

Part of this tattoo is covering up a piece I had done by the same artist just after getting out of a one year relationship. I wanted so badly to cling to that relationship because of my past experiences with love. Before getting into it I was convinced I'd never love again. Looking back at it now, it all seemed overly dramatic. Honestly, our emotions can take us to very strange places. After all, it was a very short term relationship. But, perhaps I was also working through some things that I hadn't worked through during the ending of my prior relationship. I'm not sure, really. But, what's done is done. The past is the past and it's best to take our lessons from it and move forward.

I have since learned my lesson about relationship tattoos and although I don't regret having it done, my thinking at that time was not clear enough to have made that decision rationally. I have decided to keep the color of the first tattoo showing in the negative spaces of the new tattoo as a reminder.

These are my wings in process.

My wings of freedom.

Freedom to be me.

Have You Seen Her?

2012-02-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

I find myself in this mental space of trying to figure out exactly who I am and it feels a bit odd. The title of this blog suits me better then I once thought. I've spent so many years focused on things outside of myself and others around me that I am very much a stranger to myself.

It's sort of an odd space to find myself in. It seems as though I am walking in this spiral and continue to come back to this space over and over and over again. The pull of it deepening with each pass.

The question remains though. Who am I? What are my passions? My strengths? My weaknesses? My likes and dislikes? What do I stand for?

Deep thoughts on this Thursday.

The thing about this blog is I find myself stressing over what to write lately. Again. I allow thoughts about it that run through my head to torture me. "I should be writing more about my butch experience." "I should write about current events." "I should write about things that people want to read." There's an underlying sense of wanting attention that I've never fully admitted to myself before. I am completely uncomfortable with it. Wanting to crawl out of my skin uncomfortable with it.

Where the fuck did that come from?

Excuse me while I go ponder this a bit more.

Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica is Coming To Your Town … Spring Tour 2012

2012-02-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica is Coming To Your Town … Spring Tour 2012

Sinclair is booking tour and reading dates so stay tuned!

I am months away from being a published author!

Wow!

Creativity Is A Sneaky Little Wench

2012-02-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

My son working on his graphic novel idea.

I see creativity as this energy that always exists somewhere out there in the space around us. I also believe that we have the power to communicate with it, or rather, open ourselves up to it and act as it's vessel so that it may manifest itself here in this plane of existence.

Creativity can flow through us at any moment and sometimes at the most inopportune moments, like when you're in the middle of a work shift or driving or carrying something heavy. It doesn't wait around for you to be ready to open yourself up to it. Well, maybe sometimes it does, like when you think of something and quickly write the idea down then successfully come back to it later.

Therein lies the key for me. "Successfully come back to it later." I still struggle with that part of it.

Today, while writing in my journal (yes, real pen and paper!) I connected it to the same struggle I've been dealing with most of my life. It's about doing something for myself. It feels selfish and I feel unworthy of that kind of attention. I've made it into this thing that does nothing but create loads of pressure and makes it so unenjoyable that I've lost touch with my love for doing it in the first place. Way before I did it to get attention and hope to make a little money at the same time.

Once again, my passion for anything creative has given way to trying to survive in this world and it's disappeared under the guise of how I still truly feel about myself. So much so that now, whenever creativity appears I quickly dismiss her and send her on her way.

She keeps coming back though. Gently tapping on my shoulder and whispering in my ear stories that should be written, photographs that should be taken and shapes that should be drawn. She's persistent like that and she'll keep coming back until I finally figure out that I am worthy.

When I started to think about the deeper aspect of it all I realized that we are all worthy. We are all artists. Every single one of us.

This life is our canvas.

What we do with it is our masterpiece.

What we do with it. That is what people will remember when we are long gone.

Post Crossing - A Cool Find!

2012-02-04T19:09:00.001-08:00

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time you'll know that I am a huge proponent of snail mail. This evening I was introduced to Post Crossing and it sounds so fun that I'm signing up for it and wanted to share it with all of you!

Check it out! http://www.postcrossing.com/

Some friends of mine signed up and have already received these!

The End of The 15 Day Reboot - We Did It!

2012-01-30T10:10:00.001-08:00

We did it!!! Fifteen days of juicing and fruits and vegetables on the reboot! Yesterday was our last day and I feel pretty good about following through with that commitment to myself.

This morning we rewarded ourselves with a zucchini, broccoli, onion, garlic, goat cheese and bacon omelet with fruit and coffee. The meal was about seventy to eighty percent fruits and vegetables so we were able to have our reward and still keep our portion size in the range where we want it. It was delicious!

I have to say, I missed coffee so much. I'm interested to see if I'm extra sensitive to the caffeine and sugar since being off of both for the past three weeks. So far, I'm not feeling any different. I'm debating whether to stop at one cup or have a little more. Right now I'm pretty full though so I may stick with water for the rest of the day.

I couldn't help but snap a photo of breakfast to share with all of you! Thank you for all of your encouraging words through these past few weeks! They've helped me get to a healthier me! You all rock!!!

Day 14 of The Reboot - Almost Done!

2012-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

I've made it to day 14! Last night my girl and I were talking about the day we sat down to look at the reboot programs and decide which one to do. I remember thinking, "Fifteen days isn't all that long." Let me tell ya, fifteen days turned out to be quite a long time. When it's about food and attachments to it, it's a very long time indeed. I didn't think I had the will power to make it when I was in the middle of it, but, taking on the perspective of "I've made it this far, I can do this" has really helped. You have to stay positive through it and have little reminders of why you're embarking on this journey.

I'll be honest, the last couple of days for me have been rough. There's been a lot of stress in my life around work and finances and it's made me want to reach for comfort food. Comfort food, for me, feels like a nice, warm, loving hug from myself even if it's terrible food for my body.

I have been listening to my body more these days and have discovered that I actually do need a bit more protein in my diet in order to really feel healthy. Despite drinking plenty of water, I've had dark circles under my eyes during a good part of this and decided to deviate from the menu a bit in order to get a bit more protein. On day 12 I scramble a couple of eggs and have been doing that for the last couple of days. Just 2 eggs a day in the morning with my fruit and it's helped tremendously. I wonder if the couple of years I spent playing football and packing in the protein has changed my body's need for protein.

We have deviated from the menus a bit during this process mainly because of left overs (there's a lot!) but also because there are a few recipes that we didn't exactly care for. But, we've stuck with the recipes within the plan whenever we've changed things. We've still lost weight and we still feel good so it seems as though you don't have to be strict and stick with the meal plan as stated for each individual day, which is fantastic in my eyes.

The one thing about the program is that it takes some meal planning and cooking. It seems as though my girl and I have spent the majority of our time these last 14 days either putting together our grocery list, shopping, washing, chopping, juicing or cooking all of our meals. With both of us working, we have to plan ahead for lunches and dinners, as well. It takes some time but it also helps you to see just how important it is to feed your body good things. Preparing your meals should be seen as an act of love towards yourself. You're giving your body what it needs to live and thrive. It's an act of self love.

Going forward I am going to change the portions on my plate at every meal in order to add more fruits and vegetables to my diet. Before the reboot the portions on my plate were roughly 50% protein, 25% vegetables and 25% starch. After the reboot my portions will be 50% fruits/vegetables, 25% protein and 25% starch. It's a much more healthier way of feeding my body. I feel really good about this.

Here's to a healthier me!

Day 11 of The Reboot - Back To Solid Foods!!

2012-01-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

We made it to day 11! This morning we enjoyed a huge bowl of fruit full of pineapple, mango, orange, kiwi and fresh mint leaves and I have to say, fruit never tasted so good. For lunch we reheated some delicious soup my girl made while we were juicing and we made sweet potato and carrot "fries", which are tossed with olive oil and a few seasonings then baked for about 45 minutes.

One thing about this reboot, you certainly grow to appreciate food more. Also, your stomach shrinks a bit when you juice for 5 days. I was quite full with about half of what I would normally eat.

I'm feeling really good today, although I have decided to add a bit of animal protein to the mix for myself because I've been feeling a bit weak and I can't quite get rid of the dark circles under my eyes. So, I've scrambled a couple of eggs to take with me to work tonight. Hopefully that will help.

A nice side affect of this is that I'm 12 pounds lighter since we started this 11 days ago. My belly is smaller and I'm below a weight I haven't been below in quite some time. Feels pretty good!

Wohoo! Only 4 more days to go and I can say I followed through with this commitment to myself! That right there is a pretty awesome feeling!

Shout Outs To Some Awesome Butch Blogs

2012-01-23T11:42:00.000-08:00

In reading through my Google blog reader feed this morning, I realized that I haven't given any shout outs to my butch brethren out there in the blog-o-sphere. There are some pretty awesome butch blogs out there who focus more on the butch aspect of being in the world, whereas I just do so when I'm feeling it. So for those of you searching the web for more butch content, check out these blogs!

Butch Wonders - For some tips on what to buy the butch in your life, how to pick out clothing and cuff links and thoughts and ideas around why all butches aren't trans, click on over there.

Buzz Cuts & Bustiers - Bren and Maddie talk about everything you've every wanted to know about butches and femmes including the best choices in butch underwear! Don't miss out on the Beaver Whisperer posts, either! Click on over!

"Can I Help You Sir?" has a great series of Butch 360 where she asks readers and other bloggers to chime in on the topic at hand.

Kyle over at Butchtastic has lots of interesting reads about being butch, being trans and being kinky. Definitely check it out!

If you don't believe butches can cook, check out A Butch In The Kitchen. She even posts all kinds of delicious recipes to try complete with beautiful photos!

Max over at Pretty Butch has some great reads about breaking into show business as a butch. One of my favorite posts is coming out butch over, and over again.

Personally, I'm good with jeans and a t-shirt or the occasional dress pants with a button down, but if butch fashion is your thing, check out The Bois Department.

Finally, last but certainly not least, is the amazingly talented (and editor of the first book I'll be published in!) Sinclair Sexsmith over at Sugarbutch Chronicles. You'll find everything from tips for the new butch to writing dirty and lots of dirty writing.

Many thanks to my butch brethren out there in the blog-o-sphere for your inspiration and encouragement to continue on my path and to take pride in who I am. I am grateful for you and your strength.

Day 9 of The Juice Fast - I Haven't Given Up Yet!

2012-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was filled with lots more of those wicked cravings I told you about in my last post. I even considered breaking the fast tonight while at work but I think I can make it through the next couple of days of the fast so I'm going to give it my best.

A couple of motivating factors for me have been reminders from and talking with my girlfriend and also finally making myself a priority. I've wanted to give up these last few days but my girl and I have been good about reminding each other that we've chosen to do this for our health and that we can choose to eat those other things. For some reason, having that choice makes it easier to continue. Also, if I gave up now I'm not sure I'd get the full benefit out of it. This was a 15 day commitment that I made to myself and I'd really like to follow through with it.

I don't often make commitments to myself and when I do, I don't often follow through. Really taking a look at that, I can tell that it's a part of how I feel about myself. If I made a commitment to someone else I would do my absolute best to follow through. But I'm not that committed to myself which shows that I don't think as much of myself as I do others. That has to change. A part of changing that is following through with this commitment to myself around my health.

I made it through the yesterday by looking ahead at all of the delicious recipes coming up in the next week. I was really worried that I'd be eating the same soups and other baked things as I did during the first five days. They all started to taste the same and I really wasn't looking forward to that again. Thankfully, all of the recipes are different, except the salads which is totally fine. I can deal with that.

For the most part, I did my best to give my brain a rest around the processing part of this. The thing that did come up for me yesterday, though, was missing the ritual of preparing a meal with my girl and sitting down to enjoy it. In spite of what I may tell myself and others about cooking, I do like to cook, specially for others. It does make me happy. Not just cooking for them but sitting down to the meal and enjoying it with them. Juicing really doesn't allow for that, but it's made me appreciate it more.

Tonight is my first of only two nights at work during this fast. With some gentle reminders to myself I can hopefully make it through the night without throwing in the towel and driving down the street to the grocery store.

Oh, and, since starting this 15 day commitment to my health, I've lost 10 pounds. Go me!

Day 6 – The First Day of The Juice Fast

2012-01-21T13:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was day 6 of the reboot, the beginning of the juice fast. I had a lot going on in my brain and was finally able to get it out in my journal last night before bed.

Here's what came out.

Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. All I could think about, obsess about, were my cravings. Nachos, beans & cheese, tacos, hot dogs...all things crap. Mostly.

I've found myself in another funk today. A couple of times I tried to joke about wanting food by throwing a little tantrum and found myself starting to tear up. Then I would ridicule myself for being so ridiculous because it's just food ferfucksake! After a few minutes of yelling at myself I'd calm down then five minutes later it would start again. It was like riding on those little roller coaster hills. Up and down, up and down, up and down, all day long.

Finally I thought to myself, what is it I'm actually working through here? I had to think on this a bit but I realized that I have this idea of “not enough” around both food and money. Something in my head has been programmed to tell me that I better eat now because there might not be enough later. Eat now before the money runs out! Where did that come from?

It took some time to think it through but as I was climbing in to bed last night it hit me and the memories came flooding back.

I grew up with an alcoholic Father who had a hard time holding down a job and who lived on vodka. There wasn't a lot of food in the house during my teen years. I remember walking back from the grocery store when I was 13 with three bags of food that I bought with the money I earned from my paper route. I was hungry and there wasn't any food in the house so I went and bought some.

This happened quite a bit during this time in my life. My Father was losing his grip on things and I stepped up to hold it together for as long as my little 13 year-old person could. So, perhaps this is where this programming started.

If so, it must have really taken hold at that time in my life because even though I've not gone without food and rarely without a paycheck my entire adult life, my mind still functions in this survival mode. Which makes me wonder about my thought processes around other things in life.

This isn't just a cleansing of my physical body. It's turned out to be an all around cleansing.

Day 6 - The Juice Fast Begins...

2012-01-20T23:30:00.001-08:00

...and my mind is all over the place. I hope to get it figured out soon. I'll write more when I get it figured out.

This has turned out to be quite the emotional roller coaster for me.

Finally Made It To The Top Of The Hill!

2012-01-18T21:19:00.001-08:00

I am happy to report that I am feeling much better today! The funk seems to be gone and so is my headache. Thankfully!

Also, today's breakfast was the bomb. Check it out!

Day 3 of The Reboot: Still Climbing The Hill

2012-01-17T17:52:00.001-08:00

It's day 3 and I'm not feeling all that great physically. I've had a headache for the past couple of days and I feel like I'm in a bit if a fog. It's a wee bit difficult to focus and my memory is not cooperating. A bit frustrating, to say the least, but I don't blame all of this on the reboot.

Unfortunately, the very day we started this adventure was the day the wonderful (note sarcasm here) Aunt Flow decided to visit. Apparently I decided to give myself a double whammy, so, my physical issues could very well be from that alone. Plus, I didn't sleep very well the last couple of nights.

Emotionally, I still feel like I'm in a funk but I don't feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat. Thankfully.

I have to say, there is plenty of food on this reboot 'diet' so I haven't really been hungry. I've had cravings for bread but that's about it so far.

The good news, well, amongst the good news that I'm taking care of myself, is that I've dropped 8 pounds since I my last visit to the doctor in December. I feel good about that.

Here's hoping that I'll keep feeling better as the days go on!

First Day of The "Reboot" or Discovering My Emotional Attachments To Food

2012-01-15T17:46:00.000-08:00

My lunch today.

Today is my first day on a system “reboot”. Today and for the next 10 to 15 days I will be eating nothing but fruits and vegetables. Salads, smoothies, juices and slightly cooked vegetables. I say 10 to 15 days because I'm eating all organic and I'm not sure that I'll be able to afford to make it through the entire 15 days. It's about $30 a day to do this reboot with organic produce. If I choose to eat non-organic it's about $15 a day. The thing is, I want to taste my food if all I'm eating is fruits and vegetables. I also can't stand the thought of all the chemicals used to grow non-organic produce and genetically modified foods just plain creep me out.

The idea of this “reboot” is to cleanse my body and give it a rest from the difficult work of processing foods like meat, dairy and processed foods. I'm also incorporating it into getting back into exercising and eating better in order to take better care of myself.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good today. It's amazing how much fruits and vegetables fill me up. I haven't been hungry but I've noticed that I've thought about snacking. But it has nothing to do with being hungry.

Emotionally, I seem to be struggling. I want to feed my emotions and I find myself with a sense of sadness. I know that this isn't a permanent diet and that the foods that I gave up to do this will be available to me again, albeit at a more moderated level, but for some reason my brain just hasn't wrapped around that idea. I feel as if I'm grieving the loss of my friends and I can't help but look at those feelings with a sense of wonder. After all, I am talking about food. Not people.

I miss coffee the most. I haven't had any for the last 6 days nor have I had any caffeine for the last 4 days. I've been drinking coffee off and on (mostly on) for the last 26 years. It's become a “comfort food” for me. Today is one of those days where I'd normally curl up on the couch with a book and a cup of coffee while the fire burned in the fireplace and the snow fell outside. There isn't anything in the world for me that could take it's place.

Emotional attachments to food are difficult to break, to say the least. Our memories, when they're connected to our senses, easily come back to us when one or more of our senses are triggered. The idea that food made everything okay for me when things really were not okay is difficult for me to fully accept. Before embarking on this reboot I felt pretty confident that I could control the things that I ate if it really mattered. Health reasons matter so it should be easy. That just doesn't seem to be the case when the emotional attachments come into the picture.

From there I seem to fall into this circular pattern of criticizing myself and seeing myself as weak. Not a good place to be.

I hope that my writing about them, acknowledging them and accepting them can help me to eventually let them go.

This isn't going to be easy.

My Theme Song For 2012

2012-01-07T19:17:00.001-08:00

Incubus "Drive"

Setting My Goals For 2012

2012-01-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

Seven days in to 2012 and I'm finally sitting down to write some goals for the year. I've been working days these past couple of weeks and it's thrown my schedule off more than I had expected. I very much enjoy having the evenings with my girl but my sleep has not been good and my mornings are so rushed that they start my day off a bit stressed. I haven't prioritized writing or anything else that I do to keep myself in balance. Not the best start to the new year but here I sit about to change this situation.

For the entirety of 2011 I felt pulled between my photography and my writing. I think it may have been due to the fact that I didn't have any clear goals set for the year for either of them. It felt really good this past March to get the email that lead to my first short story submission being chosen for an anthology. Many thanks to my awesome editor and friend, Heather, for helping me with the story and talking me through some things about it. I learned quite a bit in refining the raw piece of work I originally sent her way. I very much look forward to holding the book in my hand and seeing my name as a listed author. I really think that the idea that I am truly a writer will sink in once this happens.

In 2012 I would like to experience that euphoria of being published again. This means I need to start writing and submitting more short stories and/or get to working on a book. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I will more likely work on more short stories and submit them while slowly working on a book. The book may be a year or so out. Or not. I feel myself slowly getting past the fears I have around writing it so it may be sooner rather than later.

As far as my photography goes this year, I'd like to...I'm really not sure what I'd like to do with it at this point. My confidence in my abilities has fallen again. I am my own worst critic, to say the least. Plus, I can't seem to find my “style”. Perhaps that's what I should do this year. Play around with it and find my style. I am participating in another 365 day photo project with some family members on Flickr and hope to actually finish it this time. It's my third attempt at this project. An idea just popped into my head as I finished that last sentence. Projects within the project. They would certainly help me to find my style.

My big goal this year is to make it to Burning Man and take tons of photos while there. I am fascinated by this intentional community and am excited beyond measure to participate in it this year with my girl and her friends. I don't want to make any predictions about this adventure nor any plans beyond just getting there so that I can stay completely open to the experience.

This year will also be the year where I start taking better care of my physical body. My girl and I are about to embark on a juice fast detox before eating a more plant based, whole food diet. We've been watching lots of documentaries on the American food industry and have come to learn that most of the foods found in the grocery store are so over processed that they no longer contain the nutrients that came with the original source of the food. No wonder we're the most drugged society in history. Our eating habits affect much more than our physical bodies. Poor nutrition also affects our mental and emotional states. I have so much to say about this but for now, I'm going to just leave it here. If you're curious about it, I highly recommend watching Forks OverKnives and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Be forewarned, there are some disturbing slaughterhouse scenes in Forks Over Knives. People should know what happens in those places though. It's a horrible environment for not only the animals being slaughtered but also the people working in those places. There are other ways to be an omnivore. Local ranches who raise their cattle on grass and practice humane ways of slaughter (I realize that's a bit of an oxymoron.) are great places to buy meat. Much better then the stuff you get in the grocery store. Stepping of my soapbox now, I'll just end with the request to educate yourselves about the food you eat. It's important on so many levels.

To sum up this years goals I, of course, must put things in list form.

My goals for 2012

Write and submit at least 5 short stories.
Finish the 365 day photo project and include projects within the project in an attempt to find my “style”.
Attend and fully experience Burning Man!
Eat healthier and exercise at least 3 times a week.

There you have it. Or, rather, there I have it. My goals for 2012. Attainable goals and “good for me” goals. May this year be even better then the last!

Vulnerability

2011-12-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

I know I've written about this before at some point but I'm finding that I have to keep coming back to it until I finally 'get' it.

A friend of mine posted this TED talk on Facebook today and it really made me stop and think about the way I've been feeling lately and how it relates to vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is incredibly difficult for me. I've known this for some time now and have been doing some of my own inner work around it. As she talks a bit about in the video, I have taught myself how to be numb. I've told myself that becoming numb keeps me safe. It's a self defense mechanism. It's one that I've become quite proficient in.

The problem with this is that we can't selectively numb the feelings we don't want to feel. We have to do it in an all or nothing style. We have to numb all of our feelings in order to get 'rid' of the bad ones. This leaves me feeling, well, not much to be honest. I worry that I've done it so much in my life that I've lost all ability to feel.

But then a moment creeps up on me where I know that I'm truly feeling. Not just a general sense of happiness but more of an incredibly intense feeling of happiness, joy and/or love. One that completely envelopes you and makes it feel as if your heart is going to swell up so big that there is no way it'll fit inside your chest if it doesn't stop.

In those moments when I let go and actually feel love, joy, happiness and connection with someone I notice that I don't allow myself to stay in that space. I feel myself recognize it and instantly start to figure out how to stop it by thinking about something else. Something to stop the tears because when I feel that intensely I can't help but cry.

It happened just the other night while I was holding my girl and playing with her hair. I felt that intensity of love rise up through me, fill every cell of my body then completely envelope her. Then I felt the tears start to well up and I panicked. I thought of something else and pulled back the tears. I stopped feeling out of fear. I was afraid of it.

“God forbid” I actually allow someone to see me cry! Even if they are “happy” tears. Seeing someone else cry, I have nothing but compassion for them and just want to hug them. I even tell them that crying is good therapy!

But, showing that compassion to myself has never been an option for me in my eyes. Crying in front of someone will show weakness and showing weakness is shameful. Why? Where did that come from and why do I feel like I need to let it persist? What is it really doing for me? Keeping me “safe”? Safe from what? Living?

I don't want to stop those intense feelings. I want the pins and needles tingling to come and the numbness to go away. I want to live in the moment and feel each and every feeling that life has for me. Most importantly, I want to be seen, to love with my whole heart, practice gratitude, stop catastrophizing, and believe that I am enough.

Looks like I've got a lot more work to do around this.

Thank goodness I have a couple of new journals to use.

Season's Greetings

2011-12-23T11:03:00.000-08:00

Wishing everyone lots of love, joy and laughter during the holidays!

Peace & blessings!

2012 Wall Calendar of Portland is Listed!

2011-12-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

I've finally just listed the wall calendar I talked about in my last post! You can check it out here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/88592834/11x14-portland-oregon-2012-wall-calendar?ref=pr_shop

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement!

Trying New Things

2011-12-04T15:33:00.001-08:00

This is my first post from the Blogger mobile app on my iPhone 4! That's the first new thing and it's pretty cool to know I can pretty much blog from anywhere.

The second is I've put a calendar together using my photographs taken around Portland! It turned out really nice and the quality is very good! I haven't decided whether to offer them on my etsy site yet or not but am open to comments and suggestions! What do you think?

December!

2011-12-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

Photo by me. Salmon River in Oregon.

December has become one of my favorite months! Last night towards the end of my shift I looked at my phone and noticed that it was December 1st and this big smile came across my face.

It used to be that I would start to feel a bit down around this time of year and there have been years where I let it get the best of me. Huge transitional years tend to bring the winter/holiday blues. But, not this year! This year I am happy to see December and all that it brings!

Perhaps I like December because of all of the twinkly lights the holidays bring, or the winter storms that make for cozy nights, or the snow covered mountains that surround this beautiful city. I'm not one who celebrates Christmas but I do celebrate the Winter Solstice. Giving gifts and celebrating the change of seasons feels wonderful.

Included in this month is my birthday, which used to be a bit tension filled because it lands so close to the holidays but after almost 42 years, I'm over it. Now it's another reason to be happy about the month! I can pretend on my birthday that the twinkly lights are for me! Plus, this year I turn 42 which we all know is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the Universe and everything! (I love that book!)

Then there's the promise of a new year just around the bend. A chance to start over, to wipe the proverbial slate clean and make the best of a new year. It's like a blank page. So many possibilities!

Whatever it is that makes me happy about this month, I'm just glad it's here.

Cheers to December!

Grateful For You

2011-11-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for you. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read my words and for being a part of my life. You are truly a gift and a blessing.

Namaste.

Change Of Focus

2011-11-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for the change of focus this project has given me. Although last night was rough, having focused on what I'm grateful for over this past month has helped me see the good in my life and in seeing that good, the bad days are not as bad as they once were.

I think I'll continue with seeing things in a much more positive light. It sure makes everything around me shine quite beautifully.

The Little Me & The Big Me

2011-11-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

There are days when the little me has to battle it out with the big me. It's quite literally a yelling match in my brain when this happens. The little me does nothing but belittle and find some sort of proof that I'm not worthy enough. It constantly tells me how much better I can be and that no one could really love me unless I do this or that or act a certain way or not act a certain way. That I should hide my authentic self because that self is basically a lazy pile of crap.

To fight back my big self comes back with all of the great things I have done and how kind and caring and compassionate of a person I am and that the world needs more people like me in it. She tells the little me that it's wrong and has no clue of how it really is and that I do deserve to be loved and have all that I want in life.

Days like this exhaust me. As much as I try to ignore what's happening, I just can't seem to completely. Finally I give in and focus on the battle in an attempt to come to a truce of some sort. I think today I've finally made peace between the two. At least, I hope so.

As weird as it may sound, I am grateful for days like today. They force me to find love within myself for myself which, in turn, makes me a better person.

Self love is a very good thing.

The Luckiest

2011-11-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

Sunday was spent mostly on the couch with a belly that was very unhappy. My girl was the sweetest caregiver.

How lucky am I?

The luckiest.

Some days I just don't know how I got so lucky or so deserving but I am incredibly grateful. Bowing down on my knees kind of grateful.

Holiday Decorations & Perfect Days

2011-11-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday my girl and I took some time to put up her tree and holiday decorations. It's our first Winter Holiday together and she has such a great house to decorate so I wanted to make it look and feel festive.

After cooking breakfast we carried up all of her decorations from her basement then turned the Pandora Holiday song station on and sang and laughed and decorated to our hearts content.

We even created our own little Winter town. It's official name? The Town of Welly! Heheheheeee....we couldn't resist. I even got to add my John Deere truck to the town!

After decorating and spending some cuddle time on the couch, we headed over to spend the evening with some friends who cooked us this delicious meal of baked lamb (local and humanely raised), fried kale (I've been on such a kale kick lately!) and baked golden squash. All of the recipes came from Mario Batali's cookbooks. It was amazing and I can't wait to try the recipes myself!

For desert, he made almond baklava! I was so stuffed from dinner but I just could not resist. I ate two pieces.

After dinner we played a board game called Ticket To Ride, which was actually pretty fun and quick. My girl beat the pants off of everyone! I'm pretty sure I brought up the caboose but it was fun none-the-less.

After saying our good nights, we headed back to my girls place and had some more cuddle time on the couch. Mr. Bacchus needed some cuddle time, too, so he found a spot right between us.

All in all, Saturday was one of those perfect kind of days. The kind of day where there are so many blessings and reasons to be grateful that I just can't count them all. I seem to have a lot of those days lately. Thank the Goddess! I am blessed and so very grateful for each and every one of them.

Grateful To Still Be Here

2011-11-25T18:39:00.000-08:00

This morning I visited a member of my community who has been in and out of the Intensive Care Unit at a local hospital. As I was sitting in the waiting room, which was next to the emergency waiting room, I overheard a couple of conversations that people around me were having on their cell phones. They were calls to family members or friends about the person who they were there at the hospital with. I tried to let them have their privacy but I couldn't help but over hear a few things here and there. Both seemed to have family members in the hospital for nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts. My heart ached for these people. The holidays are such a difficult time for some of us.

I know the darkness that they're in. I know it very well and was, at one point in my life, very intimate with it. I had let it consume me and it was sucking me down into it's depths deeper and deeper with each passing day. Sometimes, with each passing minute.

The year was 2008 and the holidays were in full swing. I was working both a full time job as an accountant during the day and a part time job as a team lead with FedEx Air/Ground Freight Services in the middle of the night. During that year I had experienced a lot of major life changes. The end of a relationship, my son's high school graduation, his starting college and moving to the dorms, plus another move for me. I thought I had handled everything quite well. As it turned out, I was just too busy trying to keep all of my plates spinning to actually deal with any of it at all.

My review from my day job that December was not a good one. My boss gave me an ultimatum. Quit the night job or she'd have to let me go. I felt like I had been backed into a corner. At the time, the decision was difficult to make in my heart but in my head I knew what I had to do. The day job paid more then the night job so I reluctantly gave my notice at FedEx. It was heartbreaking for me to leave FedEx as I had made so many plans to work my way up the ladder there. I loved the work and I was good at it.

A week or so into working just the day job I found all of this time on my hands suddenly. That's when all of the emotions from the past year came flooding in. It was like they laid in wait for me to be free to deal with them. To say it was overwhelming would be an understatement.

At night I would come home after work, walk my dog then fix something to eat and drink as many beers as I could in an attempt to numb the pain while watching mindless television. Thoughts swirled around in my head about everything that had happened that year. The darkness began to convince me that the world would be a better place without me in it and that all of the pain would just disappear if I ceased to exist. I remember hours spent curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor begging God or whomever to just take me. My face tear streaked and my eyes puffy. I thought of ways to make it look like an accident while out riding my motorcycle. I was about as deep in the pit of despair as one can get.

Texts or phone calls from friends would go unanswered, which is very much unlike me. Some began to worry. One of my very close friends told me later that she was planning an intervention if she couldn't convince me to see a therapist. She made me promise to go talk to someone. The darkness kept telling me that it wouldn't make any difference. Somehow I made myself go through the motions and found someone to talk to. By the time I made it in to her office I was ready to fight my way out of the hole I was in. I just couldn't bare it any longer.

It's been a long road back up through that black hole but I'm so glad to be here. To think of the pain I could have caused my friends and loved ones and all of the things I would have missed in this experience of life. I couldn't even imagine missing out on it or causing that kind of pain.

I saw my son graduate from college this year. I get to watch him create a life of his own. I am deeply in love with an amazingly wonderful woman. I am surrounded by so much beauty and love. To say that I am blessed would be an understatement.

I am grateful for those who helped pull me out of that darkness. Grateful for their help, their love, their understanding and for their presence in my life. Had it not been for them, I may not be here writing this for you.

“This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy.” - Susan Polis Shutz

A Day of Feasting & Being Grateful

2011-11-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I chose not to blog, to stay off the computer and enjoy time with the people I love. All I wanted was to be completely in the moments and that was exactly where I was.

Ok. I did get a wee bit obsessed with my phone at one point during the evening but then I remembered I could take really great photos with it! The photo on this post is of my girl's dog, Moreno, telling me how much he liked the turkey. It was quite tasty.

There were so many things to be grateful for yesterday that I think I'll just list them this time.

* Waking up next to her.
* The smells of delicious food cooking.
*Cinnamon rolls for breakfast.
* Time spent cuddling on the couch with my girl before and after dinner.
* Time spent with my son.
* All of the wonderful people in my life. I have the most amazing friends and family and feel so blessed to be a part of their life.
* My health.
* My sanity.
* The roof over my head.
* My car.
* My job.

These are really just a few of the many things I was (and still am) grateful for yesterday. This is how I chose to recognize this day and every other day of the year.

Letting Go

2011-11-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

Today I am simply grateful for the ability to recognize the lessons in life, learning and knowing what works and doesn't work for me and letting go. Just like it says in the Serenity Prayer.

Goddess, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Communication

2011-11-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had what I'm calling an electronics flip-flop day. I have been wanting to replace my old, slow, small memory and non-working battery laptop with something faster that had a working battery. The old, slow, small memory and non-working battery laptop was an old MacBook that I purchased back in 2006 and I loved it dearly. It was my first Mac product and after getting used to navigating it I fell in love with it. I swore I'd never go back to a PC.

Unfortunately, sometimes you just don't have the kind of money you need to shell out for a new MacBook, or whatever it is they're calling them now. I had to eat my words and go back to a PC in order to get a laptop that is fast, has more memory and a battery that still works. My son was very kind and gave me his laptop that I purchased for him when he started college. He was gifted a powerful desktop machine and has quite the set-up going with it so he said he wouldn't be needing the laptop anymore. After a dear friend of ours replaced the hard drive (it burned up due to an accidental "left it on then set it on a pillow" incident at the dorms) it is up and running and speedy as ever. In exchange for her work on my new laptop, I gave her my old MacBook and everyone is happy!

But wait! There's more!

For the past 2 years and up until yesterday afternoon, I have been using one of the first Droid phones that came out on the Verizon network. It's certainly served it's purpose but it started to get a bit slow and it was just time to replace it. After mulling it over for about a month or two I finally decided to get an iPhone 4 when my renewal came up on the 17th of this month. I have to say, I am LOVING it. It's fast, the calls are as clear as if I'm talking on a land line and did I mention it's fast? Plus, the camera is awesome! I am very happy with this decision.

I'm glad I can still sort of keep the balance between PC and Apple in my life, as well. I don't know why but I'm happy about it.

What does all of this have to do with communication? Well, everything these days. I, of course, prefer the old school way of communicating whether it be in person or through written letters, but having the option of text, phone and internet is a blessing.

I am grateful for all of the ways I have available to me to communicate with my loved ones.

Stories That Suck You In

2011-11-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

Whether they are books, television series or movies, stories that pull you so far in that you completely loose yourself are absolute works of art in my opinion.

At the moment I am pulled into a book titled The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown and a television series titled True Blood. When I'm reading the book or watching the series I completely lose track of time and my emotions attach themselves to the characters so much so that my heart races during the exciting parts.

These sort of things are inspiring to me. I aspire to be a master story teller like these authors have become. Today I am grateful for these stories and for the inspiration to better myself and my writing.

Science Is Fun!

2011-11-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

My son and I in a goofy mirror at OMSI today.

This afternoon my son and I visited OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science & Industry) to check out the Body Worlds & The Brain exhibit. It's the second time it's come through town and I missed it the first time so this was a new and educational experience for both of us.

I was really quite fascinated with the exhibit and in all of all the parts that make up our biological bodies. My son, on the other hand, was fascinated yet creeped out at the morbidity of it all.

I guess it is really quite morbid when you think about it. After all, the exhibit does use real human bodies that have been through a process called plastination. But, these people made the choice to donate their bodies to this project before they passed in hopes that people would gain some valuable knowledge. I think I'd rather my body went on doing some sort of good in the world rather than being wasted ashes or rotting in the ground. After, of course, all of my usable organs were distributed to others who needed them.

The exhibit is quite popular here and there was a huge crowd this afternoon. Despite the large crowd, I found myself not only enjoying the exhibit but also time with my son. I am amazed and incredibly grateful that at 21 years of age he actually wants to hang out with me. He truly is a blessing.

National Adoption Day

2011-11-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was National Adoption Day. A day to raise awareness about the adoption of children from foster care and to celebrate all families who adopt.

I was adopted 5 days after I was born. It was a closed adoption and I have since met my birthmother and learned a great deal more about those first 5 days of my life. When the realization of it hit me I wrote this piece.

5 Days

One afternoon in December of 1969 my biological mother gave birth to me. She was young, un-wed and it was 1969. Because of these facts and a few others, it had already been decided that I was to be given up for adoption. So when I was born, my mother was only able to hold me just long enough to count all of my fingers and toes. I was then swept away to the nursery to be cleaned up, poked and prodded then left swaddled in one of those plastic bassinets on wheels.

This would be my ‘home’ for my first 5 days in this world, only to be picked up or touched when I needed to be fed or changed. I was the only baby in the nursery for those 5 days. My Mother spent all of her time at the nursery window trying to keep me company.

I came out of the warmth, love and safety of my Mother’s womb only to spend the first 5 days of my life alone in a sterile, cold, and unloving nursery. No hugs, no cuddles, no connection.

After doing a bit of reading on this subject, I am willing to bet that those 5 days alone in that nursery did more emotional and psychological damage to my then tiny brain than any of the other abuses I experienced in my life.

I feel like I’ve spent the last 40 years doing everything I could to get people to love me, to touch me, to hold me, to stay with me. Yet, I struggle to actually form an attachment because there is this knowing in me that tells me they’re not going to stay. I’m not good enough.

Later in my life, my adoptive Mother told me that I never cried as a baby. The doctor told her once that she needed to let me cry so my tear ducts would form properly. She told him that I was a quiet baby that never cried. There didn’t seem to be any explanation for it.

I had become the perfect, pleasing child. The one who wanted to make everyone happy. The one who wanted to make everything ok. Because, if I did, they would stay. Right? They would love me. Right?

Forty years later things are becoming much more clear to me. This was the beginning of my journey through this life. The first 5 days.

(c) Wendi Kali July 29, 2010

After making this realization I began to focus on learning to love myself more in hopes of breaking the unhealthy hold that the fear of attachment brought to my life. It made me much more aware of my thinking around it which has helped me to work through those feelings and heal them.

As difficult as this was to learn about myself, I am grateful for the knowledge and the opportunity to grow.

The Power of Love

2011-11-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

Evenings spent with a movie glowing from the television and a fire dancing in the fireplace are some of my favorite moments. Snuggled on the couch with her head resting in my lap while my fingers, almost mindlessly, run through her hair, occasionally caressing her cheek.

My eyes break from the movie to look down at her. Instantly I feel my heart swell with love. Its energy fills my heart then moves through every cell of my body and flows out through my hands and into her.

I can physically feel it move through me so I close my eyes and concentrate on this flow of love for a moment or two then wonder if she consciously feels it. I know her heart does on some level. How could it not? The energy is so strong.

The power of love is awe-inspiring. Words are much too simple to capture its magnificent power yet I constantly try to find them in an attempt to express what I feel when this power flows through me.

As frustrating as this may sometimes seem, I am grateful for the challenge.

Some Weeks Just Feel Longer Than Others

2011-11-17T22:43:00.000-08:00

Here in my world of four day work weeks there's an acronym for today.

S.H.I.T. So. Happy. It's. Thursday.

This is what I am grateful for today. Today is the end of my work week. This week kicked my ass. I look forward to relaxing at some point this weekend.

Rainy Fall Mornings

2011-11-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for rainy Fall mornings spent on the couch knitting while my girlfriend's Yorkie sleeps in my lap. Watching and listening to the rain fall in between the tiny little snores of the Yorkie while I work the knitting needles to create another hat I can't help but be grateful for everything that creates these moments. The cute little dog, the yarn, the needles, the colorful leaves outside, the falling rain and my girl's cozy, warm home.

The Fall is my favorite time of year.

Life. Is. Good.

Other Blogs

2011-11-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

This morning I spent some time reading through other blogs that I subscribe to in my Google Reader and came across a couple that articulated the things that I've been thinking about off and on lately.

On her blog "can I help you sir?", G talked about doctor visits and how she tries to avoid them because of the reactions she experiences while there. I can relate to every thing she talks about in this post. Those reasons are why I've been taking my time finding a doctor through my newly gained health insurance. Honestly, it's more like dragging my feet. Doctor visits have always been a horrible experience for me.

Then, over on Patriarchy Party Crasher bee listy ranted a bit about feminists who are transphobic. Yes, the gap between the Butch community and the trans community is still there and, as I talked about in my post, Thoughts On Our Butch & Transgender Community, we need to stop tearing each other apart and focus that energy on coming together to move forward.

Today I am grateful for the blogging community, the dialog it creates and for simply knowing there are others out there who think and experience things the way I do. Sometimes it really helps to not feel so alone.

My Credit Union

2011-11-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I moved my banking from a big bank to a local credit union. I have been extremely happy with the credit union. Their service is, so far, unmatched and they are on top of things. To say I love them would be an understatement.

As an example of them being on top of things, there has been a few times while I've been with them that my card number has somehow leaked to someone else other then me and they have attempted to use it. I haven't quite figured out exactly how this happens given all of the safety that online ordering and bill paying seems to have these days, but it's somehow still happening. Lucky for me the fraud department catches these crazy charge attempts the moment it happens and blocks my card immediately. Each time, I've called to verify the charges were not mine and they've canceled the card. Then all I've had to do is go to my local branch and they make me a new card with a new number right then and there. No waiting for them to send me a new one in the mail, thank goodness.

Knowing that they've got my back when something like this happens is wonderfully gratifying because it happened once again this weekend and I've just returned from the bank with my new card and absolutely no loss of money from my account.

So, today I am grateful for my credit union and all of the great service they provide!

Lazy Days

2011-11-13T21:51:00.001-08:00

Today was spent in my pj's on the couch getting sucked into a new to me series. I am grateful for lazy days like this spent entirely with my girl.

In our pj's.

Life is good.

So Much

2011-11-12T21:55:00.001-08:00

Today has been a very good day. I woke up next to my girl, which always makes me smile, then had a great breakfast with excellent company and good conversation followed by a trip to the eye doctor for an exam and new specs!

I am grateful for every moment of this day.

Every.

Single.

Moment.

Short & Sweet

2011-11-12T08:37:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I got caught up in snuggling on the couch with my sweet girl and on days like that I like to shut the computer down and be in the moments completely. So, yesterday I was thankful for the ability to do just that.

Making A Difference

2011-11-10T12:48:00.001-08:00

I am proud to say that I am a regular on the call list at the Red Cross. My blood type, O+, is pretty popular, from what they tell me so i get a call every couple of months. I've been donating for about 22 years now, off and on.

For the past few years there have been times when I've tried to donate and my iron level has been too low so they've sent me away with the list of foods to eat that are rich in iron. I understand why they can't take my blood at that point but I'm always disappointed when I leave. Sure, I missed out on the stick of the needle and the slight pain in my arm the few hours afterwords, but I didn't get to contribute. I didn't get to make a difference and help save a life.

Today I am grateful for my iron level being high enough to donate! Thanks to lots of lentils, legumes and kale I was able to just barely make it over the threshold required to donate.

Simple Pleasures

2011-11-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

This morning I was awoken by the wonderful smells of coffee and food wafting through my girlfriend's house. As I lay there snuggled under the warm comforter, I debated whether to try to go back to sleep or get up and help her make breakfast. Shortly after dozing off for another few minutes awoke to see her standing by the bed with a plate full of food, two cups of freshly brewed coffee and the book I have been reading (Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol). She made a wonderful breakfast and we enjoyed every delicious bite and sip in bed this morning while snuggled under the comforter surrounding by her fur kids.

This afternoon, before I had to leave for work, we spent a few hours snuggling on the couch chatting then watching an episode of Being Human (the BBC version) while eating quesadillas.

Simple moments. Sweet moments. For these moments, I am grateful.

For this time that I have been blessed with basking in her light and enjoying her presence in my life, I am grateful.

Truly grateful.

Prayers To The Coffee Gods

2011-11-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ever since working a full time job and a part time job back in 2008 and 2009 where my days were about 18 hours long and my sleep lasted only about 4 hours per night, I've had problems getting a good night's rest. Working that scedule for as long as I did really seemed to mess with my rest cycle. Even though it was several years ago at this point, I still struggle with it.

Needless to say, last night was one of those nights that I just didn't sleep very well. Off and on and not totally asleep but just sort of laying there with my eyes closed wishing I'd just fall asleep already.

It's mornings like this morning that make me ever so grateful for a fresh cup of coffee. Fresh beans freshly ground and freshly brewed. Several years back I started calling it "The Blood of The Gods". I'm not so sure it keeps me buzzing as much as it used to anymore but it is definitely a comfort food for me at this point in my life.

There's just nothing like a lazy morning with a fresh cup of coffee. So good.

Friends & Family

2011-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

In the past 6 years I've surrounded myself with some of the most wonderful people I've ever known. As much as I kicked and screamed during the move to Portland, this city has blessed me with lots of love, happiness and some important life lessons.

Today I am grateful for not only my given family but for my chosen family, as well. Every one of them, even those who have hurt me, are blessings to my life because they have all taught me something about life and about myself. For that, I am eternally grateful.

So much love to you all!

One of My Favorite Poems

2011-11-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

Anne Sexton

While reading through some of my journals, I came across one of my favorite poems. I felt a pull to share it here with you.

Words by Anne Sexton

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous ones we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be good as fingers.
They can be trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.

Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, it's passionate face.

Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren't good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.

But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

Self Growth

2011-11-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

I had fully intended on spending the day writing. What the day turned out to be was a slow stroll through my past by way of my journals.

I've kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I didn't hang on to the journals I wrote in before 1994. I went through a period of time where the fear of someone finding them was stronger then the desire to hold on to those memories so I destroyed them. Looking back now, I wish I hadn't.

Reading through the journals that I have so far, there is a definite sense of self growth. It's clear that I've been searching for my passion and my purpose for most of my adult life now. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse about not quite finding them yet, but it is what it is and I will continue on my search.

One of the entries that stood out for me today was one that was made on May 14, 2005. I was at a retreat for women through the church I was attending off and on. More of a metaphysical/spiritual type church as opposed to the religious type. I'm sure the retreat title had "Goddess" in there somewhere. We spent a lot of time in guided meditations and drum circles. The photo in this post is of me reading a couple of my poems during our "Goddess Theater" the last night of the retreat.

The entry was from an intense morning and afternoon session where I faced some fears about this life. The entire day I spent wanting to run away from the intensity but I forced myself to stay. Instead of summarizing it I'll give you a portion of it to read.

"My urge to run was so strong. But, I thought that it would be better for me to check out part way and stay in the space then to leave it completely. It was a good decision. I mostly stayed in meditation and mentally sang to myself. Comforting and loving myself.

After the exercise I came out of meditation and wasn't fully present. I still wanted to run. Instead I just got spacey.

The next mediation that Maggie lead us through broke me down completely. We were envisioning ourselves next to a river that represented life. Then she had us jump in and float down the river trusting in it's path. I found myself clawing at the bank trying so hard to get out because I was terrified of it. No trust. No faith. Nothing. Just complete fear and deep felt terror. I cried through the entire exercise. Then, when we came out of it we shared our experience within our small groups. I held it together while everyone else shared. When it was my turn I immediately started crying. After I finally got my words out Celeste asked if she could hug me. I fell into her arms and sobbed. She just kept holding me and telling me how beautiful and perfect I am. It was exactly what I needed. Afterwards, I still wanted to crawl up into a ball and hide behind the alter but I didn't. I made the commitment to myself to have more trust in life and where it's taking me."

Reading through that entry brought back that feeling of terror that I felt while in that mediation. It also made me realize how far I've come since then. I can honestly say that envisioning myself in that river now brings me peace. I can float along in it in complete trust and even splash around playfully.

It hasn't been an easy path but I'm so glad I've walked it and have these journals to remind myself of just how far I've come. For all of my emotional work and those that have helped me to get here, I am eternally grateful.

Before I left the retreat I made a commitment to myself to continuously discover my authentic self and to love and accept myself exactly as I am. It's nice to see that I followed through with that commitment and am still on this path.

Feeling Handsome

2011-11-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

Growing up, all I ever wanted was long hair that I could "feather" on the sides. I was a child of the '80s so I went through the mullet phase as a high school softball player. (First base, catcher and left field - booya!) Yeah. That was me.

When I finally cut it short before I came out I was concerned about it looking too masculine. Shortly after I came out I went shorter but didn't quite have the guts to get it buzzed.

When I finally got my first buzz cut I admit that I was a little hesitant about it but at the same time I felt incredibly free. I not only felt free, I felt empowered and handsome. Yes, handsome. Ever since then, feeling handsome feels good. No. Even better. It makes me feel incredible!

So, needless to say, getting a haircut always picks me up and today I got a haircut so today I am grateful. Grateful for haircuts and I'm even grateful for my gray hair. I earned every one of them.

A Kale Chips, Lentil Soup, Wine & Dancing In The Kitchen Kind of Day

2011-11-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

This relaxing Friday was spent mostly on the couch with my wonderful girl watching movies. This afternoon we decided to make lentil soup. While she chopped the onions and diced the garlic I sliced the celery, carrots and kale. Of course, we broke out the wine and created our own version of My Drunk Kitchen.

After realizing there was much more kale then we needed for the soup I decided to try my hand at making kale chips. If you haven't tried kale chips, you must. They are incredibly easy and amazingly yummy. Just slice up some kale, spread the pieces out on a cookie sheet, sprinkle them with olive oil then salt and pepper. Roast at 375 degrees for about 10 minutes or until they are crunchy. East with some bread and a strong flavored cheese like fresh blue cheese or a nice Havarti dill.

The highlights of this day are many but the one that stands out the most is dancing around the kitchen with my girl and all three dogs while the soup simmered. The sounds of jazzy music in the background and the delicious smell of lentil soup and laughter filling the air. Those moments couldn't be more perfect. For them, I am blessed and grateful.

Words & Writing

2011-11-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

I've decided to avoid numbering my post titles in an attempt to be a bit more creative with this project. After all, this post is about words and writing.

As much as I struggle to find them at times, words are as important to me as air. Writing is another form of breathing. Sometimes the breath is smooth and steady and other times it's hard and labored, much like life. For me, writing is a way to discover myself and articulate the emotions I'm feeling. It isn't always easy for me to do, articulate my feelings and emotions, but I do my best to try. Not only with myself but with those I love.

Sometimes the feelings are so strong that it's almost as if I'm being pushed to express them, to put them into words and to tell that person what I feel. Perhaps it's the Universe's way of communicating to them, through me. Maybe it's just that we don't say things to each other often enough. Good things. Nice things.

"I think you're awesome."
"You are beautiful inside and out."
"I was thinking of you today and just wanted you to know."
"You can do anything you set your mind to."
"I'm proud of you."
"I'm proud to be your friend."

Good things. Nice things. Things that make us not feel so alone or unnoticed.

Words are powerful and I am so grateful for them. They give me the ability to express my feelings and communicate with my friends and loved ones. They have the power to melt my heart, get it racing and make me think.

Writing brings me more joy and more sorrow than you could ever imagine. For instance, this blog post is not exactly what I had in mind but it'll do. It's somewhere in between the joy and sorrow spectrum. But other things that I've written, the short stories Her and First Ride, those bring me great joy because they flowed from my heart and onto the page almost effortlessly. It's those times when I'm most in touch with me that the writing flows in copious amounts and the joy from it follows.

So, today I am grateful for words and writing and all of the emotions and life that they both create and express.

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all. ~Richard Wright, American Hunger, 1977

Thirty Days of Gratefulness - Day 2

2011-11-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

I think all of us, at one time or another, have been in therapy. It seems to be the human thing to do anymore. Understanding ourselves better helps us to grow and heal from past traumas in order to have healthier and happier lives.

I am no exception to this rule. I've spent many years in therapy trying to get past the hurt and the anger and every other emotion associated with sexual abuse. It's been a long, hard road but I'm still here and I'm stronger because I've traveled this path. I am also much more understanding of not only myself but of others who are on this path of growth and healing.

Today I am grateful for this road I have traveled and the understanding that it has brought to me.

Today I sit in this peace and hold vigil for those who are traveling on this path with me.

You are brave, strong and inspiring.

Thirty Days of Gratefulness - Day 1

2011-11-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

From time to time I get into a funk and struggle with seeing the good in my daily life and one way I've found that helps me to get out of this line of thinking is to find one thing in my day that I'm grateful for. So, for the month of November I am going to post daily and tell you about the things I'm grateful for in my life.

Today I am grateful for my job. The one that currently pays the bills and pays for mine and my son's medical, dental and vision insurance. It's not my dream job by any means but the people here are good people and the owners actually care about their employees. You just don't come across that very often these days, unfortunately.

I get to work a swing shift which means I can still have lazy mornings even when I have to go to work and I get to work four ten hour shifts which gives me three day weekends every weekend. Although I haven't fully taken advantage of the time off I have for more writing and photography, the opportunity is there. For this, I am grateful.

Samhain Blessings To All!

2011-10-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

May the ancestors deliver blessings on you and yours...

May the new year bear great fruits for you...

May your granted wishes be as many as the seeds in a pomegranate...

May the slide into darkness bring you light...

May the memories of what has been keep you strong for what is to be...

May this Samhain cleanse your heart, your soul, and your mind!

--- traditional Samhain blessing

Just When I Start To Wonder

2011-10-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with whether or not to continue with this blog in it's more authentic and honest sense or to write more about the subjects that seem to get more hits. The words I write for this blog come from my heart and I started it in hopes of helping others feel not so alone in this world. Others who are like me: butch, Buddhist, caring, compassionate, spiritual, etc. The subjects that seem to get the most hits are the posts about being butch. The fact of the matter is, this blog is all about being butch. It's all about being me and if that resonates with someone and helps them to get through this crazy world then I'm doing a pretty good job.

I sometimes lose site of that fact. The fact that what I post here does sometimes help someone out there and just when I start to really lose site of it I get an email from someone who says something like this:

"I was in a really hard place when I discovered your wonderful blog... and I very much enjoyed your writings that reflected familiar and new parts of my heart back to me.~ I had just awakened to my love of tomboys (yes, please), and reading about a butch perspective from your unique, open, spiritual heart was/is so refreshing to me, since a lot of the butch blogs out there don't match my being at all.~

So I'm glad for the chance to acknowledge such a sweet resonance in this big ol' world... and to offer back to you open-hearted acceptance... as you journey on and on and on in self discovery and self expression...~ Beautiful...~* Honoring you is somehow honoring me... and I think we would all do well with more of that for ourselves.*"

After reading this I realized that I'm on the right path and so I honor you, the reader, as a way of honoring myself. I will stay true to me and this blog and continue on this path of writing for as long as I can. Thank you for reading.

Namaste.

Knitting Love

2011-10-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

It took three tries but I finally knitted a decent looking kitty ear hat for my girl! The first one was too big, the second was too small and this one is just right! I gave the smaller one to my God Daughter so now she and my girl have matching hats!

Knitting has become my favorite down time activity as of late. The pattern came out of a fabulous book called Stitch & Bitch. Excellent book if you want to learn, too!

Trying To Find The Answers

2011-10-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have been fairly quiet lately. The state of the world weighs on me deeply and I find myselfsearching for answers that elude me. I have a‘fix it’ personality and my inner co-dependent just wants to make everyone feelbetter.

What is it about the human race that keeps us from loving,respecting and having compassion for one another? When, exactly, did greed supersede these basic humanneeds?

These questions and many like them brought me to the name ofmy blog, A Stranger In This Place, because I really don’t understand this worlda great deal of the time. Religionand politics puzzle me the most.

The US government was created as a government ‘for thepeople and by the people’ but has since turned into a government ‘for thecorporations and by the corporations’ while the people stood idly by until itwas too late. Now the people seemto have absolutely no control over anything in this country. We went about our business trying tofind the elusive ‘American Dream’ while our government, and the people, becamethe puppets for the corporations and big businesses. We allowed them to attach strings to us and use us for theirprofits by signing into sub-prime mortgages, signing up for high interestcredit cards to live beyond our means, going into debt for an education that nolonger serves us, signing 2 year contracts for cell phones so we could get thefree phone, agreeing to contracts that took us further and further into debt sothat we could have more things and we decided not to vote. I am guilty of all of these thingsmyself. It was me who signed thepapers. It was me who said yes toall of those things for one reason or another or to just feel better aboutmyself because I had nothing while those around me had or appeared to haveeverything. I bought into the ideathat in order to be successful I had to have more, do more and be more. Really? Is that what this life is all about?

I have a Bachelors of Science degree in business fromPortland State University. I’veworked in business since I was 13 and since I’m now 41 years old that means Ihave 28 years of experience. During those years before obtaining my degree, I hadn’t ever made morethan $35,000 a year. I was goingto college thinking my degree would increase my chances of making more so that Icould properly support my son and myself. Because I had to work full-time while raising my son and going tocollege, it took me much longer to reach graduation but upon reachinggraduation I landed a job as an accountant for a local restaurant business. You’d think my salary would haveincreased significantly but it didn’t. I was making $40,000 a year as an accountant with a Bachelors degree and$55,000 of student loan debt. (Remember I went to school longer than the usual 4 years so my debt islarger. Yes, I realize that was mydecision and I accept responsibility for it. Still, it doesn’t make it any easier.)

The only time I made what I consider a decent amount ofmoney in order for my son and myself to live comfortably and feel like the‘American Dream’ was just around the corner was when I worked both a full-timejob as an accountant and a part-time job at FedEx. I worked 6 days a week and my days were 17 to 18 hours long. I slept approximately 4 to 5 hours anight. I worked myself into thedeepest depression I have ever experienced in my life but I made close to$58,000 that year. That experiencehas left me wondering if that is the only way I’ll ever make a decent salary. Is that what the ‘American Dream’ isabout because if it is, I don’t want any part of it.

But, you know what I’ve discovered since? Life isn’t about the amount of moneyyou make. I know it sounds crazy,but it’s true. Life is aboutrelationships and loving and experiencing and learning. It’s about living. Really. Living. Thesooner you realize this in your life the better off you’ll be because yourdecisions for your life will be based on this idea of living. You’ll decide not to go into debt orlive beyond your means and you’ll find ways to make it work. You’ll get an education throughscholarships and part-time work and maybe attending a community college for thefirst couple of years. You won’tsign up for those credit cards and you’ll keep your expenses below your income. Heck, you may even find a way to createa savings for yourself in the process! Bottom line, you won’t make choices that will keep you from living thislife. That’s what the ‘AmericanDream’ should look like.

Now, religion puzzles me in lots of ways. Perhaps I’m too much of a skeptic or ascientist but it seems to me that religion, the bible and other ‘holy’ books inparticular, was created and written by man. Perhaps it was created as a way to control the masses. What better way to get the masses toobey then to strike the fear of some unknown and unseen deity into the heartsof the people? What better way to findsomeone to put the blame on (Satan) when people do “bad” things? Also, what better way to not holdthemselves accountable for their actions or decisions claiming that it must bewhat God or Allah wants?

So much violence and hate spews forth from religion, aswell. It’s complete hypocrisy toteach about a deity that loves and forgives all then go on to preach hateagainst people based on holy “laws” that are really created by man when youtruly look at the core of it.

When will we, as a human race, preach love and compassionand actually follow through with it? Completely?

The answers I’m looking for during this scary and unstabletime in our life are evading me but I do know this: love and compassion towardsourselves and each other have more to do with them then we have yet torealize.

Say Please

2011-10-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

Towards the end of last year I made my first submission for publication to an anthology being edited by the amazingly talented Sinclair Sexsmith. (If you'd like to read an exert from the story, here's my post from December.) The story was accepted and my dream of someday being published had finally come true. Well, actually it will come true when I have my copy of the book in my hand and read my name on the page, but none-the-less, it's happening!

This morning Sinclair announced the table of contents and presented the cover art over on her blog. Look! My name and my story are there! Plus, I just found out that this is Sinclair's first anthology! What an honor to be chosen and what an amazing group of writers to be in an anthology with! I am pretty proud of this accomplishment.

By the way, if you'd like to pre-order the book you can click on over to Amazon and do so!

Happy reading!

Creative Process

2011-10-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

I needed to read this today. Thought maybe someone out there might need it, as well.

On Writing Every Day

2011-09-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Durdel

I've been pretty busy with being scattered these past couple of months. I've felt my creativity slowing slipping away so I started having talks with it. Gently trying to coax it back little by little. Then one day I heard it say to me, "How am I going to come back if you never take the time to sit down with me?"

It's true. I haven't. Haven't done much in the way of writing at all. Back in the day, I would sit down every morning and do a daily ten minute free writing just to get things flowing. For ten minutes straight I would write without stopping. I'd write about anything that came to mind. Much like I'm doing here. Just keep it flowing to see where it takes me. Often times I'd discover a blog post or a poem. Something would inevitably appear after a while. Sometimes daily, often times once a week. But, I kept at it.

You have to keep at it if you want anything good to come of it. There's got to be some sort of daily practice in your art. You have to give your creativity time and attention so that it gives you time and attention.

I've been awfully worried about things I don't have much control over lately. Giving my attention to them does nothing to help the situation and it draws attention away from the things I love. I'd like to stop giving those things so much of my attention and start directing that attention to things that bring me joy. Things that feed my creative side.

Writing without pressure. Pure writing that comes without the internal editor or the perceived external editors.
Taking photographs of beautiful things. Things that make me happy.
Reading books that feed my creativity and my vocabulary.
Finding joy in everyday moments.
Loving without fear.

These are the things I wish to focus on starting today.

Dreams

2011-09-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

She walks this plane of existence in an empty shell. It’s the shell that gets up every dayto live this life. It’s the shellshe decided to hide away in long ago. Inside this shell she dreams.

She dreams of becoming an artist.

She dreams of becoming a celebrated artist.

She dreams of becoming a celebrated and successfulartist.

She dreams of becoming a celebrated, successful and lovedartist.

Where is she? Why did she hide away? Whydid she listen when they said she wasn’t a good writer, a good singer, a goodphotographer, or an artist? Whydid she listen when they told her she wasn’t worthy of success? Why did she listen when they told herto grow up and be a responsible adult? Why did she listen when they told her she could never be herself? Why did she listen when they told hershe wasn’t good enough?

Who told her she wasn’t good enough?

She dreams of becoming an artist.

She dreams of becoming a celebrated artist.

She dreams of becoming a celebrated and successfulartist.

She dreams of becoming a celebrated, successful and lovedartist.

She is an artist.

Her soul struggles to be seen and longs to break free fromthe shell that inhabits this plane of existence.

She is an artist.

She is a celebrated artist in the depths of her soul.

She is a celebrated and successful artist in the creativityof her own heart.

She is a celebrated, successful and loved artist in the faraway thoughts of her mind.

She is an artist.

She needs no permission nor acceptance from others to simplybe what she has always been.

She is an artist.

Fun With Stats & Lingerie

2011-09-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

I just discovered through my blog stats that the phrase "do butches like their femmes to wear lingerie" was used in a Google search and that search somehow lead to my blog.

Let me just answer that question right here and now. THIS butch sure does!

Anyone else want to answer it, as well?

A Little Note To Myself

2011-09-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Write. I need to write. I want to write. I have no idea what to write about.

No. That’s nottrue, Wendi. You’ve had a story or two kicking around in your brain for quite awhile now. You’re just lettinglife get in the way. No. That’s not true either. You are afraid. You have a fear of writing that you aredoing nothing to get over. Yourfirst story gets published and you throw in the towel. How can you top that, right?!

What is it that you want to do with your writing? Help the world? Bring some sort of escape to those whoneed it? Want it? Tell your story? You’ve had so many story ideas kickingaround in your brain ever since you can remember. You made stories up in your mind when you were a kid to makereality a little more bearable. Takesome time to remember those stories and just start writing. Every. Day. You know you want to. You feel it aching to burst from you. Just let it. Allow it to happen. Give itspace and time to happen.

You need to write in the same way you need to breathe. Just do it.

On To The Next Chapter

2011-09-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

My son graduated from The Art Institute of Portland thispast Friday the 16^th. Ireally could not be more proud of him. Three years and one quarter after graduating from high school he has hisBachelor’s degree in a field he enjoys. That was my goal with him. To help him find the field of work he enjoys because if you don’t enjoythe work you do in life, life will be incredibly difficult. I know this for a fact. I’ve experienced far too much misery inmy past work as an accountant and bookkeeper to know it as anything but the truth.

Before my son graduated from high school he originallythought about going into mechanical engineering at Portland StateUniversity. Then he took apre-calculus class during his senior year and, while struggling through it,decided the engineering route may not be for him. At that point I asked him what he liked to do and to thinkabout finding a career that would include it. He did some thinking about it and came back to me with theidea of going to the Art Institute for Game Art & Design.

I still remember taking him to the Art Institute to talk toan admissions counselor. I sat inthe office with them and let him do all of the asking and talking. While I sat there I watched himcompletely light up while talking about designing and animating and all of theprograms that he already had experience with. I knew in that moment that I had to figure out how to gethim into that school.

As I’ve learned in life already, loving the work you do isimportant. We spend 40 hours aweek, or more, making a living. Two hundred sixty days out of our year areaffected by our work because a portion of those days are spent at work (if youwork 5 days a week). That onlyleaves 105 days out of the year for doing the things you love. If you are unhappy those other 260 daysout of the year, chances are you will be unhappy during those remaining 105days, as well. So, it’s importantto find the work you love. It’s,in my opinion, one of the only ways to be successful in life.

My life hasn’t been all that easy. I spent some time in the military shortly after high school,married very young, had my son at a very young age and did my best to supportboth of us when I finally left his father, as I received no financial help fromhis father while raising our son. I ended up working in fields I wasn’t at all interested in because Isimply needed to work. Ieventually found my way to college but took classes in something that camefairly easily to me knowing I would be able to make a fare amount of money tosupport my son and I. It wasn’t afield I was interested in at all. I was in it for the convenience of it. I did what I had to do to make sure my son had a roof overhis head, clothes on his body and food in his belly. I held on to my pride during that time and only asked forassistance from the state for food a few months out of those 18 years.

Had I made different choices in my life things could havebeen different. But, I made thosechoices for a reason and I sit here today about to drown in debt from not onlymy own college education but also my son’s and I wouldn’t trade it for theworld. I have been blessed withthe lessons this life has taught me and with an amazing son who has taught meso much about life, creativity and the beauty of the human soul. For these lessons I am eternallygrateful.

I am still searching for the work I love as I choose to putit off while I raised my son and made sure he was able to find his way inlife. Now I have the opportunityto watch him enter into this new chapter in his life. A time that is filled with so many opportunities. I have absolutely no doubt in my mindthat he will be successful and happy in the field he has chosen. Which, by the way, changed from GameArt & Design to Media Arts & Animation while he was going to schoolbecause he felt that he had more opportunities with the latter. He is very smart, that one.

I can’t wait to see what comes next for him.

My son's animation reel!

Demo Reel - 2011 from Michael Jude Graham on Vimeo.

365.11 Autumn Full Moon Over Portland

2011-09-12T22:11:00.001-07:00

Taken this evening from the Portland Japanese Gardens.

Synchronicity

2011-09-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended a Full Moon Gathering with some wonderful women out by the Columbia River. It's become a monthly event with this group and it was my second time celebrating the full moon with them. The theme last night was the Goddess.

After spending some time sitting around chatting with a few of them while my sweetie and I knitted, we spent some time down on the bank of the river enjoying the moon and each other. It was a wonderfully peaceful and beautiful evening.

When we walked back up to the fire pit where all of the other women were gathered, one of them had a hand full of Goddess cards that she was letting everyone choose from as a party gift type of thing. It was dark at this point so I choose to randomly pick a card from the deck. She feathered them out for me to choose from so I closed my eyes, put both hands over the deck and choose one.

The card that I choose is pictured above. The Goddess Kali. If you're not sure of the significance of this, read this post about my name.

On the back of the card are these words: "Unleash your passion, embrace it, and revel in the power of your flesh. Do not fear your own fierceness - affirm it and soar! We are warriors, and through history this attribute has often scared people. Fierce women have been given harsh names. Shed any shame in your fierceness. Create your call of the wild - a howl or a scream - and choose a time to free your fire."

This blew my mind.

This is what I call the Universal Synchronistic Postal System. It delivers all kinds of messages and reminders if you're open to it and willing to listen.

365.10 Moon Over The Columbia

2011-09-10T23:33:00.000-07:00

365.9 Knitting Is Exhausting

2011-09-10T23:32:00.001-07:00

365.8 BRC or Dust

2011-09-10T10:37:00.002-07:00

365.7 Tired Dog

2011-09-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

365.6 Cute As Hell

2011-09-10T10:36:00.001-07:00

365.5 New Fence

2011-09-06T08:24:00.001-07:00

I only took two photos yesterday and both were of the fence I just built at my girl's house. So, this will be my photo of the day for yesterday.

365.4 My Supervisor For The Day

2011-09-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that the fence is up! Ms. Sassy made sure of it! All that is left is the painting!

365.3 So Much Measuring

2011-09-03T23:18:00.001-07:00

Even though I didn't take this photo it was taken with my camera so I'm counting it as my photo of the day for this project.

The fence is coming along!

365.2 - My Toys For The Day

2011-09-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

I started building a fence for my girl's front yard today and these were the toys I got to play with while doing just that. She decided to go with the Oz Posts instead of using concrete for the posts, which seemed to be a good idea in theory but I quickly discovered today that they don't work so well in rocky areas of town. Namely, the part of town in which she lives. After pounding all 10 of them in I ended up driving back to the lumber yard, a quick 25 minute trip one way, to borrow their Oz Post Puller because 4 or 5 of them were in crooked. Needless to say, I didn't get quite as far as I had planned with the project today but there is always tomorrow. For today, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

365.1 Happy Girl

2011-09-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided to make a second attempt at my 365 Photo Project. I feel like my photographs are sort of all over the place as far as subjects, composition and what not so I'd like to use this time to find my style. Today is day one!

A Week of Quiet Introspection

2011-08-31T01:57:00.000-07:00

Photo by Michael Holden

My girl is at Burning Man this week. Which means I am hanging out with the critters at her place and taking some time this week to do a bit of introspection.

I've worked through a lot of my insecurities over the past year but also know that I have more work to do. I'm a bit surprised about how I'm handling things lately, this week specially, but it's all very rational and well thought out, if that makes sense.

Instead of letting my emotions take hold of me based simply on my thoughts as opposed to the facts, I'm reeling myself in, sitting myself down and focusing on the now. Focusing on the facts. Those things that I know to be true. Not things that I think up in my brain that are there to stir up my emotions and build up the walls again. I'm tired of the walls. I'm tired of turning my emotions off or being angry and bitter. I'm tired of missing what's right in front of me and enjoying the moments I am blessed with while dwelling on what 'could' happen.

Today I found myself missing her a lot and I allowed myself to feel it but I stopped myself from getting sad about it. I was able to do that by remembering the amazing journey she's on of self discovery and growth and how blessed I am to bare witness to it. Then I gave myself a pat on the back for the journey of self discovery and growth that I am on, as well.

Still, I'm counting the days until she returns. While I'm counting, I've got plenty of projects to keep me busy. Plenty of projects to help me to learn to stay in the moment.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” - Anais Nin

One Year Later

2011-08-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I worked my last day as an accountant. One year ago today I stopped living for others and started living for myself. One year ago today I realized my own co-dependence in life and decided that it wasn’t working for me anymore.

Everything I did in life was based on everyone else’s expectations of me. Everything I did, I did because I believed that by doing those things I would earn people’s love and by earning people’s love I would somehow develop my own sense of self worth. I was so enveloped by this idea, this co-dependency that I completely lost myself. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever really knew myself. This co-dependency has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Over this past year I have explored my passion for photography and writing and within those passions I have learned so much about who I am as a person.

Photography takes you to places you never knew existed. I mean, think about it for a moment. That shutter only takes but a fraction of a second to open and shut. It captures that exact moment in time. It not only captures it but it makes you stop and look at it. Carrying a camera around has made me look at life at a deeper level. It’s made me slow down and notice things around me. When you get right down to it, it’s made me live in the moment. I was absolutely present in each and every one of those moments I’ve captured.

The past few months I’ve notice that I haven’t been carrying my camera around as much and I can feel a difference in my perspective on things.

Writing affords you the pleasure of creating your own space in the world, or other worlds depending on the genre in which you write. Writing, for me, is like breathing. There have been days when all I can do is think about this one thing, or several things, that I absolutely have to stop and write down before doing anything else, no matter what I’m doing! It’s like the toddler at your feet screaming, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy look! Mommy!” If you don’t pay attention to it you just won’t be able to finish the task at hand.

Not only has this past year of my new life blessed me with words, it’s also blessed me with a realization of a dream I’ve always had which is to be a published writer. The first erotica story I wrote for a BDSM anthology was actually accepted and will be published in the Spring of 2012. It’s being published by Cleis Press and is edited by the amazingly talented Sinclair Sexsmith. I’m not publishing under a nom de plum so look for my name when the book comes out. I hope you’ll be :ehem: satisfied with the story.

Considering where I started, I’ve come a long way in the last year. To gain a bit more clarity about where I started, check out my post from September 28, 2010, Forming New Habits. Rereading that post made me realize just how far I’ve come.

The road doesn’t stop here, though. I’m excited to see where it takes me in the next year and look forward to finding out more about me.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

"Am I in your way Sir?"

2011-08-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

So, the other day I stopped in at a grocery store out in the burbs near my work to pick up something for lunch before heading to work. I'm in my usual wear: jeans, boots and a gray t-shirt that says "FOOTBALL" on the front of it. No hat. Sunglasses on top of my head.

As I'm standing in front of the 'Grab & Go' case the woman stocking the case asks me, "Am I in your way Sir?" Immediately I think, "Should I say anything or just nod? I'm just not in the mood for profuse apologies." Speaking would more likely get them whereas just nodding would let the moment pass peacefully. I found myself saying, in somewhat of a deeper voice then I actually have, "Oh no. I'm just not sure what I want." Then my hand went up to my chest and I sort of beat on it with a flat palm. You know how guys do sometimes? Almost like I was beating on my chest because my voice didn't sound right. Like I had a cold or something. Or it was some sort of primal Tarzan thing. Who knows?

Her response to me was simply, "Ok. Let me know if I can move out of your way or get you anything." I thank her and go about grabbing my food, paying for it and walking out of the store. All the while thinking, "I just passed for a guy even after I spoke. Cool!"

Why was it cool? I'm not a trans guy so I'm not really trying to pass as a guy but there have been times when passing was just easier and most definitely safer. On this occasion, though, I think it was more about affirming my masculinity.

I have to say, it felt pretty damn good.

Thoughts On Our Butch and Transgender Community

2011-08-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

While reading through a few blog posts this morning I came across this one over on Butch Wonders about the tension between our butch and transgender brothers and sisters. So many thoughts ran through my mind and this feeling of....I'm not even sure how I'd describe it...came over me. I had to stop my morning, open up Word and just start writing about it. I wrote a bit, stopped to enjoy some coffee and ponder it more, wrote some more, talked a bit to my girl about it, wrote some more, walked away from it then debated about whether or not to throw in my two cents. I'm really not a fan of conflict but sometimes you just need to speak your mind. So, here's me speaking my mind on this subject.

It really rubs me the wrong way when I read about the tension between the butch and transgendered communities. A part of me understands the reasoning behind both sides of the issue but why is there still a need for an ‘us’ and ‘them’ box?

What I don’t understand is the idea that we as a community want society to change their way of thinking about our community and accept us as part of society yet we, as a community, can’t seem to change our way of thinking and accept those within our own community. We’re stuck in the old ways of thinking. We’re not totally accepting of each other and are quick to put each other into a box, plaster a label on it and shun it forever more. We’re quick to say who belongs and who doesn’t based on our outdated ideas. We need to move forward! Bring along that history of us, the lessons that came from those times and move forward.

The gay alphabet has changed to include our transgendered brothers and sisters. Stop shunning them and get over your own shit. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true. It really is your own stuff to deal with and has absolutely nothing to do with them. They are as much a part of our community as we are a part of theirs. Don’t leave them behind! Bottom line, before others can accept us as just another part of society, we have to accept ourselves within our own community.

We can’t expect others to change when we can’t change ourselves. Gandhi said it best. “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”

Maybe I’m way off course here, and if so, please enlighten me but in my opinion we need to stop spending our energy tearing each other apart and focus that energy on coming together to move forward. We struggle so much in our oppression that we start to tear each other apart. That’s hasn’t ever worked for a movement and it’s never going to. The only way we’re going to move forward is together. Unified as one within the movement. Accept each others differences, embrace them and move forward.

International Butch Appreciation Day

2011-08-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who created the theme for today but I have been told that today is International Butch Appreciation Day. In honor of this day I spent some time reading about the word butch and it's history, or herstory. As I was reading, I couldn't help but wonder, "Who came up with these definitions? Who gave these words the negative connotations that they once had?" Also, "Who has the right to define what butch means to me or to anyone else for that matter?" Who has the right to define who or what I am?

In my humble opinion, no one but you can define who you are. I define myself as Butch. I don't wait for someone to give that definition or title to me. I give it to myself. What you think is 'butch enough' is completely your idea, not mine. I am butch enough for me and that's all that matters.

Reading through my blog from this time last year, I found this excerpt that I wrote after attending the Butch Voices Conference in Portland.

No matter how much I am against putting myself in a box by claiming the title of ‘butch’, I have learned that the title encompasses many things and has so many definitions. For me, the thing about words and titles is that I can take them and define them for myself. I am me. Like I said to one of my friends the other night, I like to think of myself as mostly a guy but I’m not. I’m a woman. I like things that are stereotypically things that guys like and I present as masculine but that’s only a small part of who I am. I am a complicated being filled with thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes with a little bit of mystery locked in there.

That's a jumping off point for my definition of what butch means for me. From this stem many branches of the complexity of me. Some of which are still growing and I am still discovering.

Define butch for yourself. Don't give anyone the power to define who you are. That power is yours and yours alone.

With that, I will leave you with a couple of my favorite Butch writers and their kick-ass words for Butches.

Unsolicited Advice To A New Butch
By Sinclair Sexsmith

There is more to you than this identity. It makes everything make more sense, and without it you might be lost, but with it you are only ever on one path. You contain more multitudes than that.

Dance. Cook. Read. Make peace with your body. Look at the stars.

Don’t make everything about you. Willingly admit you are wrong, even if sometimes you know you are right. Eagerly say “I’m sorry.” Easily say “I love you,” but learn to recognize your own worth. Keep the borders of your kingdom well-watched and flexible. Keep your muscles flexible. Climb mountains. Pick wild flowers, even though they wilt. Because they wilt. Don’t let people make you wilt. That’s doesn’t have to have anything do with you. Listen to their stories. Remember that we yell because we do not feel heard.

Make a list of ways you feel heard.

Learn how to partner dance so you can make your partner look beautiful, spinning and open-mouth laughing on the dance floor. Cook. Read. Make peace with your body.

Elevate the discussions over brunch with your buddies and use them to try out your date outfits. Downgrade your tee shirts to workouts and loungewear and upgrade your presentation. Make a list of places you can wear your very best suit that are not weddings or funerals. If you don’t have a suit, invest in a suit. There’s a reason it’s a classic. It’s okay to get it at a thrift store. It’s okay to stop shopping at thrift stores now that you know how to use money. Practice rocking a tie on special occasions. Make a list of special occasions. Thursdays can count as special occasions.

Remember that your lover craves your skin and friction and kisses not despite but because of your masculinity.

Dance. Practice cooking at least one impressive date meal and, if you like watching them put something you made in their mouth, teach yourself more. Read. Make peace with your body.

Get a traffic cop vest, because you are stuck directing and deflecting in the middle of the intersection between male and female, and though the fifty-car pileups have mostly ceased, though they have cleaned the rubble from the ditches, though the seasons have faded the bloodstains on the concrete, you are still there, in the middle, while a pickup truck brushes past close enough to touch the hairs on your calf and a Mazda full of machismo is threatening you from the window.

Know you can survive this. Your body crosses borders most of them never question.

Dance. Cook. Read books like Stone Butch Blues and Dagger and Butch is a Noun and learn where you came from. Learn who else is out there in the world with you. Suspend your own stories and practice seeing another’s perspective. Make peace with your body.

Learn to recognize femmes, even if you don’t date them. They recognize you. When a girl on the subway gives you The Eyes, she’s a femme. When the only straight girl in the dyke bar says she likes your tie, she’s a femme. When your waitress jumps in on your conversation with your buddies to ask “so what’s a good drag king troupe?”, she’s a femme.

But two femmes in bed are not just waiting for a butch to come along (necessarily), so don’t laugh when someone tells misogynistic jokes in bad taste. Be a gentleman. Practice the art of consensual chivalry, always be on time, and remember: it’s better to have a cock and not need it than to need a cock and not have it. Always be prepared.

When the girl you thought you’d spend your life with leaves you, know you can survive this. Pour the whiskey down the drain, keep your stovetop spotless, and delete her number from your phone. Move your best friend up to her speed dial spot and call just to say hi. Cultivate your friendships before your breakups so you are not alone.

You are becoming more like yourself than you’ve ever been. Trust in your own deepest experience. Trust in your own evolutions.

Dance. Cook. Read. Make peace with the supposed conflict between your breasts, your inner folds, your monthly bleeding, and your cufflinks, your swagger, your monthly boy-cut #4 and the razor-shave on your neck. You possess this innate ability to contemplate apparent opposites and hold them both; to dance with two seemingly contradictory things simultaneously—a talent most people can never perfect. But you can. And you are not alone. These mentors, this legacy, this lineage, this heritage, this style—this is where you fit, this is where you are not dismissed, this is where you finally get kissed exactly how you’ve always wished.

This is the process of blooming into whatever multitudes you are at the core of your being.

Look at the stars. Remind yourself how small we all are, how big your life is, how many paths you are exploring. You can do more than survive this—you can thrive in this.

A Butch Roadmap
by Ivan Coyote

Happy International Butch Appreciation Day!

Butch Voices Art Exhibition

2011-08-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Even though I am unable to attend the Butch Voices Conference this year I am sending down two of my photos for the art exhibition they'll have around the conference. Last year I showed photos that didn't really have anything to do with people. They were landscapes and a photo of a chicken, Baxter.

This year I'm changing it up and expanding my exhibition photos. I've been working on my people photo taking skills this past year and have captured some really wonderful moments like this one, which I've title Sweet Love.

This was taken in an Irish pub on the Oregon coast where this wonderful couple, and my good friends, spent their 21st Anniversary together. They have many sweet moments like this and I have been lucky enough to capture a few of them.

I've also been working on taking pictures that somehow tell a story. I captured this moment a few months back when I first started dating my girl. I'm betting you can figure out the story. I've titled it Good Morning.

These are the two photos of mine that will be shown around the Butch Voices conference so if you're going to the conference, be sure and look for them. Check out the other art around the conference, as well. We have some amazing talent in our community.

New Page - Ask Me Anything

2011-08-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

By the way, in the spirit of keeping up with the blog-o-sphere, I've added a new page to this blog. It's one of those "Ask Me Anything" pages! I can't quite figure out how people can ask questions anonymously but you could always create a bogus email account if you really feel the urge.

So, ask away!

A Stream of Consciousness Writing On Stress

2011-08-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

Photo by Del Rapier

I can feel the stress in my shoulders, neck and jaw. My head pounds from the tension in those places squeezing off the blood flow to my brain.

Stress is something I’ve dealt with a lot in my life. For 7 years I was a single parent who found it more then hard to ask for help from anyone. Not even the state in which I lived. My son’s other parent never paid the support I asked for when I divorced him so making a living and supporting my son was all on me. It was a heavy load to carry and I constantly tried to figure out what to do with my life so I could make more money to pay for what was needed and still have time with my son. It was a struggle and it was filled with daily stress but I did it. I worked full time while going to school part-time and raised my son during those years. I did what I had to do to make it work.

One of the lessons I learned from those days is that stress and worry didn’t help me to get through those times. They made things much more difficult to get through. Yet, today, as I sit here on the couch typing this, I’m doing the same thing. Stressing myself out over things I don’t have much control over. Worrying about work and finances. Putting a ton of pressure on myself to be someone I’m not.

Hey Wendi, guess what. You’re not perfect and you know what? That’s okay.

It’s okay that I’m not the completely put together person with the huge credit score, no debt, financially well off, muscle popping, big bodied, Zen master who can love unconditionally without worry of getting hurt. Who I am is the tall butch lesbian who is stronger mentally and emotionally then I ever have been in my life, doing my best everyday and giving my love freely and as unconditionally as I can and that’s okay. It’s not perfect but it’s perfectly me right now.

Despite knowing this, I still struggle with being okay with myself. Accepting and loving myself as I am is a daily process. Loving someone without attaching myself to and losing myself in them is also something I’m working on. Enjoying, being fully present in and treasuring the moments I get with someone I love instead of worrying about whether opening my heart to them completely will eventually bring me pain is part of this work. Putting up the defenses and building a wall around my heart only allows me to miss out on those precious few moments we get in life that are completely surrounded in love. I don’t want to miss those anymore. As a matter of fact, I want more of them!

Pema Chodron describes this idea really well in her book When Things Fall Apart: "We think that by protecting ourselves from suffering we are being kind to ourselves. The truth is, we only become more fearful, more hardened, and more alienated. We experience ourselves as being separate from the whole." She goes on to say, " When we protect ourselves so we won't feel pain, that protection becomes like armor, like armor that imprisons the softness of the heart."

Reprogramming my highly trained brain is not easy. I have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and feelings in order to stop and redirect them towards something healthier. I really believe that loving myself is the key to all of this work. It’s the foundation for everything else. And if it isn't, it's a damn good place to start.

Community Unity

2011-07-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have been a part of the LGBTQ community for 11 years now. Well, in all honesty, I've been a part of it all of my life. I just didn't know it until 11 years ago.

In those 11 years I've done quite a bit in the world of activism working towards equality for everyone in our community. I've been the treasurer and board member for Southern Oregon GLSEN; the librarian for the San Diego Gay and Lesbian Center, North County, back when they had a North County location; I helped to open the Hillcrest Youth Center; I've taken part in many panels for LGBTQ parents and have spoken to many a college classes about just being me. I've also marched in many Gay Pride parades and ridden with Dykes On Bikes for several of those parades.

The one thing that I noticed within this community, and others, is the infighting that happens that does nothing but separate us. What confuses me is that the people who participate in the infighting don't seem to see it as something that separates our community. I remember constantly asking myself within all of my years of activism, "Aren't we supposed to be working together? We're never going to get anywhere if we continue to fight amongst ourselves. Put that energy towards the fight."

Among the lesbians in my community there are many who feel that we all need to be a certain way. I think "normal" is the word they tend to use. Their idea of normal has always excluded me. Specially amongst the feminists. I am a feminist in the sense that I fight for equality between genders. But for many feminists, I look like a man, therefore, I am some how against everything that feminism is fighting for. That by being butch, using that word as an identity, claiming it as an identity, perpetuates the patriarchal control. Through their eyes, I in no way shape or form help women or lesbians become liberated from such control.

This has always confused and frustrated me. While I can see their side of it and understand where they're coming from, I certainly don't see them looking at it from my side. I am not conforming to patriarchal control. I, in my own way, snub the idea of patriarchal control by being myself. By simply existing and claiming my space, defining myself and encouraging others to do the same.

No one can be liberated until we all are liberated.

We are a community of people fighting for equality and we will never win the fight until we can accept each other as equals and work together.

This morning I came across an article that hits the nail directly on the head in regards to this very idea. Please take a moment to click over and read Ivan Coyote's piece about this on xtra.ca. I really couldn't have said it better myself.

"To meet the challenge of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for his, or her, own self, family or nation, but for the benefit of all mankind.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Old Patterns

2011-07-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve begun to recognize some old patterns that, even though I feel like I’ve worked through they continue to reappear. They’re not quite as apparent as they have been in the past. They’re buried deeper into things, situations, relationships, but they’re there. Peeking their little heads up with their Dennis the Menace grin again and again.

Thinking about my burnout with social networking I’ve come to realize exactly what I’ve gotten out of it up until this point. It has fed my need for co-dependency in my life.

Someone on my friends list once told me that I’m always right there and quick to post a comment or send a text when someone is having a hard time. Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing at all. What I have realized is that from my perspective I was right there because it gave me a sense of worth to be there for someone in need. Well, not just a sense of worth but my ONLY sense of worth. This is where all of the anxiety comes in, as well, because if I’m not checking my news feed constantly how could I be there for someone when they need me if I miss their post?

Do you see where I’m going here? If I change my perspective on this and not look at it from this vantage point I can more casually enjoy the social networking sites and use them more as a communication tool, not as my way to feed something that’s not making my life better. That ‘thing’ being co-dependency. As a child of an alcoholic and an addict, co-dependency has been a part of my life from day one. It hasn’t ever served me well because it’s allowed me to ignore myself. Forty-one years later and I’m still trying to get my self worth from it. Even with all of the work I’ve done and the therapy I’ve been through. It’s something I have to constantly work on. There’s a lot of reprogramming that needs to be done. But the fact of the matter is, being co-dependent gets in the way of me getting to know who I am and what my wants and needs are. Finding those things out about myself helps me to love and accept myself and to develop my own sense of self worth. Plus, the more whole I am within myself, the better my relationships are with others. If I can't take care of myself first, how can I take care of others?

Yes, it’s good to be kind and helpful and there for a friend when they need someone but it’s not good to draw my entire self worth from that one part of who I am. There’s a difference between compassion and co-dependency.

The first step in every healing process is recognizing the illness. Even if I have to recognize it over and over again, I’m still growing and healing.

Grounded In My Body

2011-07-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

Photo by Heidi Hoffman

I finally got back to the gym this past Sunday and it felt amazing. My workout consisted of 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the weight machines for arms and shoulders. I want to start back slowly so I was getting an idea of where I’m starting from and seeing how much weight I can handle at the moment. The thought finally occurred to me to start keeping a journal so I can track my progress as a way of motivating myself to continue to go and grow so I pulled up the Notes application on my Droid and took notes of what exercise machines I worked, how much weight on each set and how many reps on those sets. As I left the gym I noticed how grounded I felt.

Going to the gym, for me, is about more than exercising. It’s about taking that hour to completely focus on myself and my body. It’s like sitting in Zen meditation for an hour completely focused on your body, how it feels, where it hurts, if it’s relaxed or tense, where the stress is hiding and in which muscles, etc. All other thoughts and worries are put on hold and just being becomes the focus of the mind. When I sit down at a machine or on a bench with a free weight I focus on the muscle I’m about to work. Before I begin the exercise I take a couple of deep breaths and sort of breathe into that muscle then as I’m doing the exercise my focus is on that muscle completely. I’ll even slow the exercise down to feel the muscle tighten and strain. Doing this gives me a chance to recognize the complexity of this carbon based life suit I’m walking around in and to connect with it on a deeper level. I guess you could say I commune with it during my workouts sending it messages to grow and thrive.

My goal at the gym is to physically and mentally get bigger and stronger. It’s not that I don’t like the way I look. It’s more about loving myself and wanting to improve upon what I already have. Getting my physical self to match my mental self, if that makes sense. Right now they don’t quite match. I see myself as a more muscular person in my head and sometimes when I see the image reflected back to me in the mirror I’m surprised because I’m much smaller in real life.

Going after this goal has had its moments of frustration where it seemed like no matter what I did I just wasn’t getting the results I really wanted. Notice I said ‘seemed like no matter what I did’, because I didn’t completely embrace the discipline needed to get to where I really want to be. I didn’t follow a specific diet nor did I follow a specific workout plan. I basically ate as much protein as I possibly could and was inconsistent in my workouts. I hadn’t ever kept a journal of them, either. Although, while playing football I did follow a specific regimen designed for Linemen. Even so, I still wasn’t getting big. Then one day I felt myself give up and chalked it up to the fact that I just didn’t have that sort of build nor did I have enough testosterone in my body to look the way I wished to look. Shortly after that I was at the gym with my football team when a woman walked in and completely threw out those excuses for me. She was a professional bodybuilder and she was big and ripped. After seeing her I knew that being a woman couldn’t stop me from being bigger. I really could get bigger and stronger the way I had pictured myself in my head.

Thankfully, with my financial affairs in better shape these days now that I’m working a full-time job again, I was able to reactivate my gym membership and have again set my goal of getting bigger and stronger physically and mentally while enjoying the side effect of being grounding in my body. The next step is to find a workout program and a nutritional program that will help me get there and stay there. A new way of eating is even welcome, as opposed to a ‘diet’. I’m not a big fan of ‘diets’ and don’t fully understand them. I believe more in the idea of a new way of eating and looking at food as a way to love and nurture myself.

It all comes back to self love for me. Something I’m trying to practice more of these days since I’ve spent so much time giving all of my love and attention to others. It’s time to put myself up on that pedestal give that love to me. It’s time to nurture my relationship with myself.

On that note, do any of you out there in internet land have a strength training program you work with? The thought occurred to me as I was driving home from the gym that there are probably others out there looking for the same thing or who have found it and are already working it so perhaps we can share it with each other and encourage each other to keep working at it. Maybe we could start some sort of butch workout circle? I was also thinking about a butch workout group since we tend to have so many phobias about the gym. Maybe if we went in packs we could help each other out with those issues while being more visible to the gym world. What are your thoughts on this?

Ideally, it would be awesome to open up a queer gym where there are no issues of gender and where people could use whichever locker room they felt most comfortable in and everyone would be welcome. Gay, lesbian, trans, queer, genderfucks, cis….everyone. If I could, I would. In a heartbeat.

My Butch Haircut

2011-07-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure what it is about a fresh haircut that makes me feel so good. Maybe it's because I feel neatly shaven and 'cleaned up', so to speak. Or perhaps I feel like a 'nice looking young man', as my Grandmother once said after seeing me across the room in church on a Sunday morning and not realizing that it was me until I came over afterwords to give her a hug. (That was a very entertaining moment.)

I do know for sure that I love a fresh shave because people love to rub my head just after it's done. I turn to mush when a cute girl rubs my head. A complete blob of 'I'll do anything you want if you just keep rubbing my head just like that'. I have been known to thump my foot like a dog that gets scratched in just the right spot, too. Mostly, someone rubbing my head is very relaxing to me and one of the reasons why I choose this type of cut.

Believe it or not, sometimes getting this type of cut is quite difficult as a woman. I have yet to venture to a local barber shop that a few of my buddies say is awesome about it but I did find a shop that I've been happy with for the past few years. It's a Supercuts but I've come to know a few of the stylists there so it's a comfortable shop for me.

Today was a little different. Today I laid my trust, and my hair, in the hands of someone new. She was very nice and introduced herself then asked me how I wanted my hair cut. I told her that I'd like a men's fade and that I normally start with a #1 (the guards you put on the clippers are numbered 1 to 8 with 1 being the shortest) but this time I wanted to go with a 0, which basically means no guard. She stepped back for a moment then said, "So you want to see skin." This made me even more nervous because I thought she was about to try and talk me out of it. Sometimes even if they don't try and talk me out of it they'll cut my hair the way they think it should be cut and not the way I asked for it. Thankfully, that was not the case but it still took her a minute or two to get used to the idea that yes, I am a woman and yes, I do want a man's cut.

Fortunately, after a bit of chatting and a lot of buzzing, she gave me one of the better cuts that I've had in a while and I'm very happy with it. This evening I'm feeling very dapper and strong with my fresh butch cut. So strong that I stopped off at Fred Meyer's and went directly to the bra section and picked out a couple new bras. Stares be damned!

How's that for a haircut?!

Finding Balance

2011-07-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

This past week has been eye opening for me. I’ve realized quite a bit about myself, the way my mind works and how much time I allow social networking sites to take from my day.

Every now and then I like to ‘disappear’ and take a break from the world, hence the break from facebook. I have recently reactivated my account in an attempt to simply limit myself to how much time I spend there. I’ve succumbed to the fact that some of my friends use the site exclusively to communicate and invite people to get togethers and what not. If I really do want to reconnect with my friends do I really want to cut off that line of communication? Needless to say, I’m still trying to find balance with it and reconnect with friends.

Along with all of this ‘stuff’, I’ve started a new work schedule and have accepted a lead position on the shift I’m now working. It’s taking some getting used to but this morning I finally slept in and was able to get in a full 8 hours of sleep. I keep waking up with headaches, though, and am guessing it’s due to stress.

Emotionally, I’ve been a bit of a mess but I’m assuming it’s stemming from the exhaustion and life changes. At least that’s what I’m hoping. I feel needy and I don’t like it. My ‘butch attitude’ is kicking in and telling the needy little kid in me to suck it up. My more compassionate side is telling my ‘butch attitude’ to leave the poor kid alone and let her feel what she’s feeling.

Insecurities have gotten the best of me this week and dreams that I’ve had aren’t helping. My mind can be a field of land mines sometimes. I have no doubt that I’m feeding off the past. Tip toeing around things that I’ve tip toed around before. It’s that constant spiral of coming back to things that I’m still working on, only this time at a deeper level.

Heavy stuff.

Along with reactivating my facebook I’ve also reactivated my gym membership and am looking forward to getting back into it. It always makes me feel better mentally. Well, aside from the whole locker room deal. Maybe this time I’ll just walk in and ignore all of the stares. Maybe this time I’ll just say to myself, ‘They’re just jealous.’ Then take off my shirt and show off my guns.

Grrrrr….

Wendi Kali's photostream

2011-07-04T17:36:00.001-07:00

Wendi Kali's photostream on Flickr.

Even though I'm taking a break from facebook I'll still be uploading photos to my Flickr account. I uploaded a few this evening so come on over and check them out! Feel free to add me as a contact if you have a Flickr account, as well!

Happy 4th everyone!

Taking A Break From Facebook

2011-07-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

It seems as though just about everyone has a facebook page. If you don’t have a facebook page then you’re out of the loop, so to speak. People look at you funny when you tell them you’re not on facebook. “What do you mean you’re not on facebook? I thought everyone was on facebook? How will we be able to be friends? How will I be able to invite you to my parties?” It’s sort of like the way people look at you when you tell them you don’t watch television. To briefly digress, I haven’t watched it in quite sometime now and honestly wouldn’t know any of the television or movie stars if they walked past me on the street.

In my circles of ‘friends’ I can only think of two people who don’t have a facebook page. Just about every company out there wants you to ‘Like’ them on facebook. The site has literally begun to take over the world. It’s a mass marketers dream come true. Where else can you reach 500 million people at once? Yes, facebook has 500 million users these days. They hold personal information and demographics of 500 million people in this world. Is that not scary information in itself?

A few days ago I decided to deactivate my facebook account for a bit. No more 'pokes', 'friend requests', 'game requests', 'private messages', 'wall posts', 'status updates' or 'event invites'. I’d been thinking about it for a while and making note of how it affects me both in positive and negative ways. I’ve also noticed how it affects those around me and it seems like there are way more negatives then there are positives associated with being on the site. My decision to deactivate my account has stemmed from quite a few reasons.

For instance, just yesterday I was talking to someone about taking a break from the site when she said that she’s only on there to see photos of her nieces and nephews and other family members. I suddenly felt very sad for her. When did we stop sharing photos with each other via email or snail mail? Personal interactions with family members and friends have fallen to the way side because people are too ‘busy’ with work and stuff yet we find time to upload photos to facebook? It just doesn’t make much sense to me.

I’m not saying I haven’t been guilty of it myself. I’ve just finally realized the affect it's had on me and felt the disconnection. The site has become sort of a substitute for relationships. It seems like facebook has changed my way of thinking and I have forgotten that there are other ways to communicate. In all honesty, I used to think that if I posted it on facebook then all of my friends would know at once what’s happening and in a way that’s true but it’s not true of everyone and it’s awfully impersonal. I miss those days when friends would email me, call me or sit and have coffee with me to catch up on our lives. I miss doing the same with them.

Also, the anxiety and stress that I get from being on facebook just isn’t worth it. I felt a need to check the news feed constantly. I couldn’t miss anything. It was like I was somehow obligated to keep up with my friend’s status updates because, well, they were my friends. Then, when people “unfriended” me it would be a hit to my self-esteem and I not only wanted to know who “unfriended” me but why. Was it something I said, did, didn’t do? At one point someone blocked me and when I discovered that fact, after the drama of asking some other friends if they could still see them, I was upset about it for days.

What if I wanted to ‘unfriend’ someone? This in itself created anxiety because I didn’t want to start any drama and was it really important because it was facebook, for crying out loud! It’s just a web site. It’s not real life. It’s a virtual life. If I knew that person in real life would we be friends or would we just be acquaintances? If we were acquaintances would I share all of this information with them? Do they think they know me after looking at my facebook page? Do I think I know them after looking at there’s?

Holy crap. When did the definition of ‘friend’ get lost, too?

Then there’s the way it creates more anxiety around intimate relationships. Aside from the fact that everyone instantly knows when you’ve committed to someone or have just broken up with someone you have to deal with either remaining ‘friends’ on facebook or ‘unfriending’ each other.

When my last girlfriend broke up with me we were friends on facebook for a little while after the break up. We hid each other but ended up going to each other’s page just to see what was happening. I felt like a stalker when I went to her page. Like I was peeking in on a private conversation, one that didn’t include me. I fully admit that I was looking for answers that, at the time, I felt I deserved. Looking back on it now, it was all crazy making and incredibly unhealthy. How easy it was for me to go there with that access and sort of disconnect.

Finally she ended up “unfriending” me so we could both get on with our lives. It is called healing. I do believe that sometimes you need that distance when a relationship ends. As hard as it is to have, specially when you’re the one being broken up with, it’s important that you have it. It’s what we used to do before the days of facebook. Remember those days?

Then there’s the anxiety created when I see photos of friends hanging out somewhere where I wasn’t invited and I wonder why I wasn’t invited and are we still friends and if we’re still friends then why am I not there in those photos and on, and on, and on. Envy, jealousy, feeling left out or feeling like the fool are not feelings I want to encounter and deal with that often. I don’t even want to admit that I feel them but I do. I know there’s more to the story that I’m not seeing but all I see are photos of friends hanging out and having a good time without me and that’s where my mind goes instantly. It’s crazy making, I tell you!

So, I decided that it was time to take a break from the crazy making. When something that is my choice to do takes up that much of my time, energy and emotions in a negative way then I also have the choice to stop doing it. To step back from it and regain my own ideas and work on deepening the friendships that I have with those who really do want to be friends with me and visa versa.

I'll most likely be blogging about my life after facebook, in case you're curious. I'm interested in seeing how different it will be and whether or not I'll miss it. It's been two and a half days since I deactivated my account and so far, I feel much more at peace. I've gotten much more reading and writing done, as well. I think this will be a good thing for me and my creativity.

Job Changes & Being Appreciated

2011-07-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

It’s been a crazy few weeks, to say the least. The Universe seemed to have other plans for me as far as jobs go and I admit that I’m happy that it did. Originally, I was hoping to get another part-time job to fill in where FedEx couldn’t at the moment then I moved to finding a full-time job back in the accounting field in order to take advantage of my education and background to eventually just get out of debt.

Then a few weeks ago one of the companies that I worked for while I was doing warehouse temp work towards the beginning of the year called me out of the blue and asked me if I’d be willing to work for them on an ‘on call’ basis. I told them I’d be happy to and explained my job hunting situation. The next day they called me back and offered me a full-time lead position doing Quality Assurance type work making more per hour then what FedEx was giving me, fully paid health benefits for myself and my son, and a four tens work week on swing shift. They said they really valued my work ethic. After mulling it over that following weekend I went in and accepted their offer. The next day I gave my notice at FedEx and for the last couple of weeks I’ve been working three jobs. Doing QA work during the day, FedEx in the evening and washing dogs at a friends grooming shop Saturday mornings. Needless to say, it’s been an exhausting couple of weeks so today I am giving myself permission to hold down the couch and just be.

Yesterday I walked out of the FedEx building for the last time. Chances are, I won’t be back. As I worked my last shift yesterday I seemed to be in this state of taking it all in. Savoring those things about the job that I enjoyed and simply making a note of those things that I didn’t so much enjoy. I’ll miss working with the aircraft and the equipment and some of the people. Plus, I have to say, it felt like such a butch type job, too. Pushing and pulling around huge containers that weighed thousands of pounds, marshalling aircraft into the gates, driving the tugs and beltloaders around the tarmac, operating the loaders…it was a really cool job! But, the reality of it is, my body is not what it used to be and the constant state of pain while trying to keep up with the young guys I was working with was, quite honestly, stressing me out. I’m not sure that I could have continued with it for as long as I needed to while waiting for something full-time to open up.

It was my third time working there and I feel a bit of guilt for that for some strange reason. The company invested money for me to train and retrain those three times I left and came back, but, on the other hand, it’s their internal requirement to do so and it was their choice to take me back all those times. So, my guilt is my own, really.

When I went back to work for the company where I’m now working full-time everyone was so happy to see me and welcomed me back with open arms. It’s a small, family owned company that treats its employees like family. The owners even came over and gave me a welcome back hug. Although I'm a bit sad to leave FedEx, I am very happy with my decision and am very much looking forward to not only having a full-time job again but also having a set schedule with three day weekends, the ability to pay my bills and have time during the day to write or shoot photographs again.

It’s not a career but it’s a job at a company I can be happy with for who knows how long. They appreciate me and I think, when it comes down to it, that’s what I both want and need right now.

Identity Crisis

2011-06-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

No. Not the DC Comic. The actual psychological term. Identity crisis. The definition of which can be found here on Wikipedia.

"“Those who fail to achieve a cohesive identity-who experience an identity crisis-will exhibit a confusion of roles,” ^[1] not knowing who they are, where they belong, or where they want to go. This sort of unresolved crisis leaves individuals struggling to “find themselves.”"

This is exactly where I am these days and, at 41 years of age, should not be. This is where you are when you're getting ready to graduate high school and trying to figure out what to major in. Right?! It's an adolescent issue. Not something you try and figure out at 41. Needless to say, I'm frustrated with it.

I understand how I got here. With both parents struggling with addiction while doing their best to raise me I had to mature at a faster rate then most kids my age in order to take care of them. I grew into the caretaker and peacemaker role. I was the 'perfect' child in the dysfunctional family model.

Shortly after graduating from high school I moved from one home to another, from my adopted Mother's to my birth Mother's and shortly after that move I joined the military. A year and a half later I was married to a man who I saw as needing to be taken care of and pregnant with my son, who would, of course, also need to be taken care of. It's been my role in this life. Caretaker of others.

It's also been a bit of a curse because I allowed it to take over and drown out any sort of identity I may have wanted to create for myself or find for myself. It was my way of getting others to love me and accept me. So, here I sit at 41 years of age wondering what it's all about and where I'm supposed to go from here. Sitting on a mountain of debt from my own schooling and my son's, among other things, with no interest in a career and 'struggling to find myself' while I look at those around me and try desperately not to compare myself to them. But it's hard not to do. It's hard not to compare myself to them and it often times has me feeling like a failure. I admit it. This is me opening the festering wound to expose to the world. This, in itself, creates all kinds of anxiety within relationships of all kinds, as well, causing this horribly dark circle of thinking to continue.

On the other hand, this is an incredible opportunity for growth. An opportunity for me to look at those things that I have accomplished in my life, change the programming in my head and focus on the positive, as they say.

Currently, I'm working a part-time job and have an offer for another part-time job and a full-time job. None of them are 'careers' nor anything to be tremendously proud of, like a doctor or a lawyer or what-not. They're just jobs. But the company at the full-time job really wants me to come back and work for them again. It's not the first time they've tried to get me to work for them permanently. They say they really value my work ethic. It's not a career but those are positive things to look at.

Honestly, at this point, I don't even know what a career would look like for me. I'm not even sure why I'm putting this all out there or what it is I'm looking for, but, there you have it. My current struggle with life. An identity crisis at age 41.

Maybe in December when I turn 42 the answer to life will magically appear. That is the answer to life, you know. 42. (Read the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.) Hmmm...we'll see.

My Greatest Accomplishment

2011-06-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

My son, around age 10, and me.

Twenty-one years and fourteen days ago I gave birth to my amazing and wonderful son. I was still a child myself at only twenty years of age. Even though it was many years ago, I still remember that day like it was yesterday. Thankfully, the memories of the physical pain have finally subsided.

I remember waking up that morning feeling like I was going to pop. Sleep was difficult at that point because trying to get comfortable with a belly that large was next to impossible. Regardless of the discomfort, I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant because it was the closest and most in tune I felt to my body. I felt powerful, too. I was creating a new human life inside of me. Me!

On the way to my check-up that morning I knew I wasn't ready to have my son just yet. He was a day overdue but due dates were never really accurate, unless you were planning on a C-section, which I was not. I had prepared for natural childbirth by going to Lamaze classes and had done a bit of research on the different ways to give birth. Ideally, I wanted to have a water birth but knowing I was going to give birth to him at the Naval Hospital I knew the chances of that actually happening were nil.

As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor I remember thinking about what I was going to do that day when I returned home. It was an early appointment so I had the entire day ahead of me to get some things done and, hopefully, get a nap in. Making a new human was exhausting.

Finally the doctor came in and asked me some questions before the examination. After a quick examination he grabbed my chart and on his way out the door said, “I hope you wanted June 1^st as the birthday because it’s time to have that baby.”

At first my brain didn’t fully comprehend what he had just said so I sat there for a few moments in a state of shock. Did he say I was going to have the baby today? But I’m not having contractions! My water didn’t break! Wait! What?!

About an hour later I found myself hooked up to a machine that was pumping pitocin into me to get the labor process started. Honestly, I was freaked out. I wasn’t ready to be in labor. It didn’t matter how many Lamaze classes I had taken or how much I was dilated, my brain was not ready! To add to my fear the pitocin pump was started on the maximum to really kick things into gear. Those first waves of contractions were brutal, to say the least!

Somewhere in the middle of the 8 hours of labor I asked for some pain meds to get me through the rest of it. Unfortunately, they didn’t really do much for me. I think I may have cursed under my breath a few times (or out loud) and almost broke my son’s Father’s shoulder by gripping it so hard during contractions. I was not having fun.

Finally when it came time to push, my doctor noticed that my blood pressure had shot through the roof so he decided to put me on magnesium sulfate to get it back under control. I was tired, in tons of pain and just wanted to get it over with. So, I started pushing before they told me to. It was an incredibly strange feeling because it wasn’t as if I had decided to start pushing, I just started pushing. My body was in complete control of itself and was just doing what came naturally. It was ready to be done, too!

After only a few big pushes and some heavy breathing to try and slow the pushing down a bit, I heard my son’s voice for the very first time. Even though he was crying, it was music to my ears. Soon after the cord was cut he was placed on my chest and I held him so very close while I counted all of his fingers and toes and wondered in the glory of what had just happened. I remember thinking, “Wow. I created this perfect little human.”

He is my greatest accomplishment in this life. We’ve grown up together and, even though I made many parenting mistakes along the way, I have learned the most about life through him and through being his parent. I am humbled and grateful for everything he’s taught me and I look forward to watching him grow and live his own life.

What Every Butch Should Know

2011-06-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

Sinclair Sexsmith
Photo by Syd London

Sinclair Sexsmith who is a writer, performer, student and teacher of sex, gender & relationships, posted on her blog this morning an amazing piece that she wrote titled Unsolicited Advice to a New Butch (aka The Butch Poem).

I first heard this piece when she read it at the Butch Voices Conference here in Portland last year and was blown away. Once the conference was over I sent her an email asking her if she'd posted it anywhere because I kept feeling the need to read and and re-read it and share it with everyone I know. At the time, she was still working on refining it and wasn't quite ready to completely share it with the world so I respectfully waited for this day.

I am so pleased to share this piece with you now!

Please, take a few moments to click over to her blog and read this wonderful and amazing piece. Whether you're Butch or Femme or neither or both, I promise that you won't regret it.

On Being Butch In The Business World

2011-06-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was catching up on some blog reading, I came across a post over on Butch Wonders that got me thinking about being Butch in the business world. There’s a part in the post where she talks about her supervisor telling her that she will never attain a position of power if she “keeps dressing like a dude”.

In other words, Butches will never attain positions of power within business unless they conform to the current idea of gender stereotypes.

Why?! I mean, really! I understand that the business world is still part of the ‘old boys’ network and that women are still struggling to reach equality with men. I understand that’s where we are but what I don’t understand is why that is where we are. Still. It’s 2011, not 1950! How much longer is it going to take for us, as humans, to evolve past this antiquated way of thinking?

Just because I dress in men's clothes, I cannot ever attain a position of power. Does that sentence even make sense to you? If it does, please explain it to me. It doesn’t matter how smart I am or how well I do my job or how passionate I am about my job, what matters most to you are the clothes I choose to wear to work? Why is it my job to make you feel comfortable?

Talk about the ultimate in co-dependency!

It’s your job to figure out how to be comfortable with me and it’s my job to figure out how to be comfortable with myself. It works both ways, too, because it's also my job to figure out how to be comfortable with you. My stuff is my stuff and your stuff is your stuff.

The gender binary is out dated. Download the latest version and move on. You just might end up with a business dynamo at the helm of your business ship who will take you to the depths of success you never even thought was possible regardless of what sort of clothes they, or you, come to work in.

Of course, the ‘you’s in the statements above were not aimed at ‘you’, the reader. Unless you do still think this way, then yes, I am talkin’ to you.

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

Me at 19 years of age.

Thanks to those who have served, are serving or have supported those who have/are serving in our Armed Forces.

Even if I don't agree the reasoning behind why our government sends you overseas to fight, I still support you and hope that you come home to your family safely.

A Butch & Her Bras

2011-05-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

Or rather, "sports bras".

Do any of you other Butches out there feel out of place when you wander into the women's lingerie section looking for a sports bra? I certainly do.

While wandering around my local Fred Meyers this afternoon I ventured over to the women's lingerie section to see about picking up a new sports bra. First off, I noticed that as I wandered through any of the women's sections I felt as though I was being watched. Like that pervy guy that wanders through those sections just to get his kicks or the guy who shows up trying to buy something for his girl and has no clue as to where to start. You know the guys I'm talking about?

Anyway. Whenever I wander into those sections, I always expect a sales person to stop me and ask if I need help picking out something for my girlfriend or my Mom. It's happened a time or two but what mostly gets me are the stares from other customers in the store. Those stares you get when they think you are somewhere where you don't belong. Maybe it's just because I really don't feel like I belong there and maybe it's all in my head, but maybe not. I've seen those stares from the women shopping around me. The Mom's who grab their little girls hands and stare me down as they pass by or the old ladies who quicken their step and head in the other direction. I've caught them out of the corner of my eye and do my best to ignore them and go about my business. I mean, seriously, I know I look like a guy but do I look like a creepy guy?

Today was no exception. There weren't any sales people around but the stares were there. Specially since I was wandering around in boots, dirty jeans (I just finished changing the brakes on a friends car so they were pretty dirty) and a black hoodie. I stood my ground though and looked around for all of 2 minutes. It was enough time for me to figure out that I wasn't willing to fork out $36 for one (yes, ONE!) sports bra.

So I walked away. Quickly.

I think I'll go look for something online and have it shipped to me.

I Am Wendi's Paralizing Stress

2011-05-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Photo by Del Rapier

I recently watched Fight Club again for the 10th time or so and seem to be putting all of my emotions and feelings into this form of expression. I am Wendi's overactive brain.

Anyway, on to what's going on with me lately. Besides silly Fight Club references.

After doing some soul searching and trying to figure out exactly what’s stopping me from accessing my creativity these days I have discovered that I am stressed. Financially stressed. It seems as though no matter how hard I try to let go of those concerns and trust in the Universe, I just can’t seem to do it and in that respect I feel as though I’ve failed in my most recent quest to follow my heart. The financial stress is blocking me from my creativity and here I sit with very little to no motivation to write or take photographs.

Then came the question, what do I do about that? Go back to an accounting job or go back to school? One choice leads to the possibility of making enough to get out of this financial situation sooner rather than later with the other possibility of doing something that isn't necessarily all that fun to me. The other choice leads to more debt and a bigger hole of financial disaster but with the possibility of eventually doing something that is fun to me a couple of years down the road.

The other day I spoke to my birthmother about it and as I was talking to her the answer for me became clear. I need to use my knowledge of the world of accounting for a bit longer. I want, more than ever, to be out of debt. There are debts that I have that will take a while to pay off (i.e. student loans and parent plus loans) but there are others that will only take a few years for me to pay off if I really buckle down and focus. I go back this time with the idea that I don’t have to stay in it forever. I have a goal in mind and will do everything in my power to reach that goal and when it’s reached I can let go of that world and that life and direct my focus elsewhere if I’m so inclined.

This struggle is one that I've dealt with most of my adult life. I know that it comes from the decisions I've made in my life but, still, it's something that I am so tired of. The only time in my life where I didn't struggle financially is when I worked a full-time and a part-time job. My work days were 6 days a week with 17 hour days. Why does that seem to be the only way for me to get ahead in life? What is it about my thinking that puts me in this place? Is it fear? I see glimpses of ideas that I'm interested in pursuing but I either find reasons not to or seek out 'safe' ways to pursue them.

Suddenly this post has turned into something much deeper than it's original intention. Writing does that for me. Gets my mind spinning and shows me certain aspects that I may not have considered originally. See? I am Wendi's overactive brain.

Interesting.

I'll have to keep working on this. I'll get back to you.