Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Losing My Religion

There was a time in my life when I believed in a “Universal Presence”. An energy that filled the spaces in between. If I “fed” it enough positive energy and positive thoughts I could make positive things happen. I was a member of the Center For Spiritual Living (the church that Ernest Holmes started with several others) and was studying to be a practitioner. I wanted to become someone who could help others by doing “treatments”, otherwise known as prayers, and always seeing them as whole, happy and complete. But, life happened and finances kept me from continuing on that study path.

A couple years after that I craved a spiritual outlet (or inlet depending on your perspective) so I looked into Zen Buddhism. Meditation was always the foundation of my spiritual house and, at the time, I needed to learn how to be more present in the world. After attending a 3 day silent retreat at a monastery in Clatskanie, Oregon I began my Zen practice at a local zendo here in Portland. I found the practice to be very enlightening and benefited greatly from my daily sitting.

But, as I became more connected to the world around me I felt it's profoundly heavy pain and sorrow. So much so that it scared me. So I stopped. I stopped sitting, stopped meditating, stopped trying to be present and mindful. I cut off the connection and felt myself become bitter to the world.

It's been close to four years since I've had a meditation practice. Four years of being disconnected from everything in the world besides what and who I choose to be connected to. I've always been a spiritual person in some way, shape or form so to be without it now somehow makes life feel....empty.

So the question is, can I get back to it? Can I be spiritual again after this time of complete and utter bitterness? Can I get past the cynicism at this point? If not, is there anything else out there? Something I can believe in? Not just follow blindly but actually believe in?

I don't know nor do I know where to start. Perhaps a good place to start is to try meditation again. Do what I can to focus on the positive.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Chop Wood. Carry Water.

Pardon my absence from the blogging world these past few months. Words that once flowed freely have been dammed by some unknown force. Add to that the wicked busy work schedule and stress with my day job and things seem to go even further down hill.

I'm hoping a small break will help create a break in the dam. Perhaps when the holidays are through, things will settle down and I'll be able to "hear" them.

The Butch/Femme photo project has been put on hold through the holidays, as well. In January I will put together a Kickstarter campaign and see what happens.

Hope all is well in your world.