Wednesday, March 15, 2017


I didn’t think it would happen again for me but it did. She was visiting me in Massachusetts when I realized that my crush had turned to something much deeper.

We’ve been friends for close to 9 years now. When we met that night in September 2008 next to the fire pit at a friend’s house I was drawn to her beauty and warm energy. She sat next to my Chocolate Lab and pet her while we talked.

Over the years our friendship developed. I was always excited to see her when we found each other at mutual friend’s parties or get togethers. Eventually we began meeting for dinners or happy hour. Our conversations were always open and honest, interesting and engaging. I looked forward to them very much.

Our friendship felt different to me. Deeper than any of the others in my life. We were always so open with each other. Trusting. I’ve always felt this intense protectiveness over her that I’ve never really been able to explain. It’s just always been there. She’s become my closest friend.

I had kept my crush a secret. Our timing was never quite right. When I felt that crush turn into something deeper I continued to keep it to myself. Again, timing. I was just happy to have her in my life. Keeping her in it was most important to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. I knew that what I felt for her was complete and unconditional and that I would support her in finding her happiness. That’s all that mattered to me. Her happiness.

It’s still and always will be all that matters to me.

I didn’t think love would happen for me again because after working on myself for the past few years, intentionally staying single and getting to know me I discovered that the way of being in relationship for me is different from the conventional way that society has created. Monogamy felt unrealistic. The expectations that come with a conventional romantic relationship felt heavy and unnecessary. I wasn’t able to see myself in that space any longer and I knew that it would take an extraordinary person, one who would take the time to develop a friendship and trust over years, to be in relationship with me. I had set the bar high because I knew I was okay with just being with myself. I discovered the things that made me happy and I was content with just me.

When I felt my love deepen for her, when I realized the unconditional-ness of it, I also realized that the extraordinary person I was open to was already in my life. Someone that I trust completely. Someone who also sees outside of the conventional relationship box. Someone who sees and loves all of me and who I see and love all of. Completely and unconditionally in the true definition of those words.  

Lucky for me, those deep feelings of love are not unrequited. We are in love and my heart couldn’t be happier. I’m not sure how much I believe in soul mates but I know that she is one. I also know that I will always only want for her happiness whether that includes me or not. She is not meant to be caged and our love is not meant for a conventional box. It’s free and unbinding. Our only promise is to always be open and honest with each other.

I am blessed with a love that is beyond anything I’ve ever felt or experienced. A love that stands solidly on trust and friendship. To say that I am grateful just doesn’t feel enough.

In the short time that I’ve been home here in Portland we’ve had so many adventures and shared so many beautiful moments. I look forward to more of them.

Life is beautiful. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017


Ever since this past Presidential election I find I am having a really hard time trusting people. People in general, people in my family and people in my community. Trust is a fundamental building block that relationships stand on, so it's been an incredible challenge, to say the least.

I guess it's not all about the Presidential election when I really think about it. It has a lot to do with some of my past experiences, as well. I have no doubt. The photo project would be the beginning of the crumbling of my trust within my community. I couldn't pin that to any one thing that happened, either. It was just a general feeling that people weren't being honest with me or were taking their own things out on me, which happens. I get it. I was able to refine my diplomatic skills during that time and that's definitely something to be grateful for.

Then people treated some of the people I care about the most in horrible ways. They're still out there in the community spreading lies and darkness and getting away with it. They face no consequences to what they've done to my people either, other than karma, which I know will be a constant battle for them given the things they've done. I wish I could warn everyone about them. Narcissists, master manipulators and pathological liars are bad for your lives. Don't let them in. Not even a little.

Then the election happened and I find myself incredibly untrusting of my fellow human beings, minus the very few who are close to me. I'm suspicious of their true intentions, which no one ever seems to talk about. Maybe they themselves don't quite know them but it all leaves me questioning friendships, which is very uncomfortable and makes for a very small circle of friends. It also makes me question the intention of potential new friends in my life, which makes it difficult to expand that small circle.

Is this an age thing? The older I get the less energy I choose to give to friendships that no longer give much or any energy to me. Also, the less time I have for people who aren't honest, open and authentic. I'm tired of the games and refuse to play them any longer. Maybe that makes my circle small but I'm ok with that. I'm very protective of that small circle.

I guess my point to writing this is that this feeling of not being able to trust is affecting my blogging and being vulnerable with the world. Hence the quietness in this space. I'm not sure what to do about any of it other than just sit with it for now.

I hope you're finding peace within your life. 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

I Refuse To Live In Fear

The Women's March on Washington was an amazing experience. Never before have I taken part in a protest or stand where there were so many people and the energy stayed in a place of peaceful power. The unity and solidarity was palpable. At least in my experience of it.

Writing about it, finding the words to give it justice, has been challenging. To say the least. I left with the intention of writing about it while experiencing it but, honestly, it was so overwhelming that it made it impossible for me to write about. Now as I sit here and try to put words together to explain my experience, I find that I'm still failing.

Perhaps it's partly because of the constant barrage of daily bad news. I'm finding that the overwhelm is not going away. It's just gone from one extreme to the other. I've spent today limiting my social media contact and trying to listen to music but I'm finding that I mostly just want to sit in silence. The overwhelm is already so distracting that it's difficult to find my baring.

Everything that I care about is being signed away, shut down and de-funded. Not only are they things I care about, they are things that are important to the lives of so many people in this country. Shutting down the EPA will affect every single living being on this planet. That may sound overstated to some, but it absolutely is true. What we do matters.

Never in my lifetime have I seen such division and hatred in this country. The day before the inauguration we stopped at a Peet's Coffee in downtown Washington D.C. where the barista told us that just the day before he saw members of the KKK walking down the street in their robes and hoods. How completely terrifying.

Reading the news and talking to other people about their experiences has had me living in fear. I've had people online tell me that I'm giving into the "fear mongering" which confuses the fuck out of me because aren't they reading the same news? It really is true that if it doesn't affect some people personally, they just don't care about it and they think others to be ridiculous for caring about it. I just don't understand it.

While away in DC I had a brief conversation with another woman who cuts her hair very short. I won't identify her as butch because I don't know that she identifies that way. She's been considering whether or not to continue to get her hair cut short (buzz) because she fears for the possible consequences. I told her that I was having that very same struggle. But, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I'll be damned if I will let someone run me back into the closet. I'll be damned if I will allow someone to make me live in fear.

I am a warrior. I've always been a warrior and I will always be a warrior. A peaceful warrior but one nonetheless. I will always be an example for others in my community. I lead by example. I will not live my life according to anyone else. I will always be authentically me. Short hair, boxers, men's clothes and all. I am butch. I am a masculine of center woman.

Hear me fucking roar.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Women's March on Washington

So much change and transition has been happening for me over these past couple months. I keep meaning to sit down and write about them but either the words won't come or I just haven't been prioritizing writing. My paper journal has been neglected, as well. Sometimes the overwhelm of life silences the words and I just need to sit with and through it all.

This weekend I hope to write about this incredible experience I am about to embark on, though. This morning I leave for my first trip to Washington D.C. where I will march in the Women's March on Washington. It isn't my first march but it's the first time experiencing one of this size in a city where I've never been. I am a bit nervous, yes, but mostly I am incredibly excited for this experience.

Last night I explained to my Goddaughter, who is 8 years young, where I'm going and why. I was so proud of her. She gets it. I am not only marching for myself and all of the women I know, I am also marching for her. May this world be kinder and have more respect for her as she travels through it.

If you're heading to the March or plan to participate in any of the others around the country, please stay safe but let your voices be heard. Stand tall and stand proud. 

It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.
— Audre Lorde