Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Trust


Ever since this past Presidential election I find I am having a really hard time trusting people. People in general, people in my family and people in my community. Trust is a fundamental building block that relationships stand on, so it's been an incredible challenge, to say the least.

I guess it's not all about the Presidential election when I really think about it. It has a lot to do with some of my past experiences, as well. I have no doubt. The photo project would be the beginning of the crumbling of my trust within my community. I couldn't pin that to any one thing that happened, either. It was just a general feeling that people weren't being honest with me or were taking their own things out on me, which happens. I get it. I was able to refine my diplomatic skills during that time and that's definitely something to be grateful for.

Then people treated some of the people I care about the most in horrible ways. They're still out there in the community spreading lies and darkness and getting away with it. They face no consequences to what they've done to my people either, other than karma, which I know will be a constant battle for them given the things they've done. I wish I could warn everyone about them. Narcissists, master manipulators and pathological liars are bad for your lives. Don't let them in. Not even a little.

Then the election happened and I find myself incredibly untrusting of my fellow human beings, minus the very few who are close to me. I'm suspicious of their true intentions, which no one ever seems to talk about. Maybe they themselves don't quite know them but it all leaves me questioning friendships, which is very uncomfortable and makes for a very small circle of friends. It also makes me question the intention of potential new friends in my life, which makes it difficult to expand that small circle.

Is this an age thing? The older I get the less energy I choose to give to friendships that no longer give much or any energy to me. Also, the less time I have for people who aren't honest, open and authentic. I'm tired of the games and refuse to play them any longer. Maybe that makes my circle small but I'm ok with that. I'm very protective of that small circle.

I guess my point to writing this is that this feeling of not being able to trust is affecting my blogging and being vulnerable with the world. Hence the quietness in this space. I'm not sure what to do about any of it other than just sit with it for now.

I hope you're finding peace within your life. 

2 comments:

  1. Your fierce loyalty and protectiveness of me is truly appreciated and felt.

    The older I get the less time I have to put into relationships that do not feed my soul. I do place a high value on genuine connection which comes from people who can keep it real and be vulnerable. To some extent that takes time to develop that level in a relationship, whether it is a romantic or non romantic relationship, but I usually get a feel right away if someone is able to go to the level I find interesting.

    I also think to some extent you get what you give. If you are vulnerable and trusting with people, they will likley feel safe to be vulnerable and trusting with you. Does this lead to being burned at times? Absolutely, but would I give up on the opportunity of having deeper connections with people? No fucking way. I choose to assume best intent from folks until proven otherwise and I keep it real and just let my freak flag fly. As a result I am blessed with some beautiful friendships, people who know and love the real me and people who show me the real them.

    Without great risk, there is no great reward.

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    Replies
    1. I place that same value on genuine connection, as well. These days it's all I really want in friendships, so I hear you.

      Also, yes. You do get what you give. Being burned is a possibility, yes, but having that deeper connection is definitely worth the risk. Thank you for reminding me.

      I appreciate you. All of you. Thank you for taking that risk with me. The connection that we have is one of the most important in my life. One of the biggest rewards.

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