Friday, May 20, 2011

I Am Wendi's Paralizing Stress


Photo by Del Rapier
I recently watched Fight Club again for the 10th time or so and seem to be putting all of my emotions and feelings into this form of expression.  I am Wendi's overactive brain.

Anyway, on to what's going on with me lately.  Besides silly Fight Club references.

After doing some soul searching and trying to figure out exactly what’s stopping me from accessing my creativity these days I have discovered that I am stressed.  Financially stressed.  It seems as though no matter how hard I try to let go of those concerns and trust in the Universe, I just can’t seem to do it and in that respect I feel as though I’ve failed in my most recent quest to follow my heart. The financial stress is blocking me from my creativity and here I sit with very little to no motivation to write or take photographs. 

Then came the question, what do I do about that?  Go back to an accounting job or go back to school?  One choice leads to the possibility of making enough to get out of this financial situation sooner rather than later with the other possibility of doing something that isn't necessarily all that fun to me.  The other choice leads to more debt and a bigger hole of financial disaster but with the possibility of eventually doing something that is fun to me a couple of years down the road.

The other day I spoke to my birthmother about it and as I was talking to her the answer for me became clear.  I need to use my knowledge of the world of accounting for a bit longer.  I want, more than ever, to be out of debt.  There are debts that I have that will take a while to pay off (i.e. student loans and parent plus loans) but there are others that will only take a few years for me to pay off if I really buckle down and focus.  I go back this time with the idea that I don’t have to stay in it forever.  I have a goal in mind and will do everything in my power to reach that goal and when it’s reached I can let go of that world and that life and direct my focus elsewhere if I’m so inclined.  

This struggle is one that I've dealt with most of my adult life.  I know that it comes from the decisions I've made in my life but, still, it's something that I am so tired of.  The only time in my life where I didn't struggle financially is when I worked a full-time and a part-time job.  My work days were 6 days a week with 17 hour days.  Why does that seem to be the only way for me to get ahead in life?  What is it about my thinking that puts me in this place?  Is it fear?  I see glimpses of ideas that I'm interested in pursuing but I either find reasons not to or seek out 'safe' ways to pursue them.  

Suddenly this post has turned into something much deeper than it's original intention.  Writing does that for me.  Gets my mind spinning and shows me certain aspects that I may not have considered originally.  See?  I am Wendi's overactive brain.

Interesting. 

I'll have to keep working on this.  I'll get back to you.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Wendi's overactive brain, greetings from Amy's overthinking brain. I understand ya.

    Do what works for ya. Nothin's forevah.

    ReplyDelete