I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am to have someone in my life to guide me through this incredibly difficult time. The words above are my birthmother's. She is an amazing human being and an incredible soul. I am so blessed and grateful to have her in my life.
I spent last night in a pit of self hatred after reading the words of someone who I've hurt in this life. They were honest and held nothing back. As painful as they were to read, I am grateful for the honesty and the reality of them. I've spent quite a lot of time in this world believing I was someone who, in reality, I was not.
In sharing with my Mom all of the things I've been discovering about myself and the communication exchanges I've had recently with those who I have hurt, she has given me insights and an outside observer's point of view. This helps tremendously with seeing through the pain and changing what used to be my normal reactions to painful situations. It's sometimes very difficult to be open to but if I really do want to make any changes at all (and I really, really do), then I have to be open to her insights and observations.
So, this morning I spent a couple of hours in conversation with my inner pain. In my meditation prior to this conversation, three words were screamed into my thoughts. "I am nothing." This is my inner pain. It has been my foundation from day one in this world and as much as I've tried to ignore it, it still continues to lead me through this life and that has got to stop. I've kept quiet in times when I shouldn't have because of it. Not letting my partners know of my wants and needs because of a sense of my burdening them yet I somehow expected them to know who I am and what I wanted and if I didn't get the sense that they did then they didn't love me. After all, I'm unworthy and unimportant.
I hate to cast judgement on anything but, what a sick and twisted way of being. How fucked up is that to do to someone who you love?!
I know why that pain is there. I know where it started. I've used it as a defense mechanism my entire life. If I don't see myself as someone who is worthy in this life then it won't hurt as much when others see me that way, too. But the fact is, the why isn't important anymore. What's important is changing the story, the belief about myself.
I'm sorry inner pain but your services are no longer needed here. I thank you for your time but it's time to go. It's time for me to change this belief system about myself completely. You are not protecting me, you are hurting me and you're hurting those who I love the most in this world and I can't have that anymore. There is too much pain. Enough. Take your beliefs and leave.
People are going to come and go in my life. It's the ebb and flow of relationships and it's a natural human experience. The least I can do is to be fully present, open, honest and vulnerable with them while they are here. In doing so I am honoring not only them and the relationship but also myself.
It's funny because I feel a sense of terror in all of this. Letting go of something that's rooted so deeply inside me and has been a huge part of my life is terrifying. It's the only thing I've known, the only part of me I've known. But it's time to rip that root up and let it go for good. Throw away the etch-a-sketch that is who I think I am and replace it with some wood carvings.
It's time to start believing in the opposite of what I have known, that I am worthy and important. When I feel like a burden, unimportant or unworthy I need to recognize it and find the opposite of that feeling. If I don't I'll never have that intense connection that I crave so badly. It wouldn't be possible because the two are not compatible. They're like oil and water.
I am someone. I am important. I am worthy of love, respect and all of the good things in life. My needs and wants are important. I am not a burden to this world.
Wow. This is going to be tough.
"The biggest thing to remember right now is that when you feel self-hatred rearing her ugly head, remember that at the essence of you is Love. You come from love. You might make mistakes but you are working to correct them and that takes tremendous strength and courage. I am really proud of the inner work you are doing and for the step you are taking to make things right for yourself and those you love.
Thank you, Mom. I will be carrying those words around with me for a while. At least until I am completely convinced of them.
Some may wonder why I choose to process all of this in such a public setting. A few people have let me know that my writing about all of this in such a public setting has helped them not feel so alone. This is exactly why I do this. To help myself by being held accountable and to help others not feel so alone. We are all humans having a human experience. If you're feeling something, chances are someone else in the world is feeling it, too. You are not alone in this.