Saturday, October 11, 2014

They Were Right About Me

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” ~ Tao Te Ching

"I'm always makin' the same mistakes. All this takin' is hard to take. When I think about bygone days, I was doin' everybody wrong. I was takin' the long way, endin' up where I don't belong. Now I pray it's not too late to change the path I'm runnin' on."  -lyrics from "Snake Road" by Ron Sexsmith

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." The hard part about finally being honest with myself is owning up to my mistakes and painful patterns. The sentence in the quotes can be interpreted in a few different ways that I can think of. The "what I am" can be the ideas of who I am or supposed to be in my mind or it could literally be "what I am". That "what I am" being exactly the person someone once warned a woman I dated a few years back about me being. A person who is easily distracted as soon as things get hard and someone pays attention to her.

Just typing out those words made my stomach turn. This is me owning up to how much of an asshole I was. I wanted desperately to be loved and in my mind a relationship should be easy because that's how you know it's right. As soon as there was a hurdle to jump or a mountain to climb within that relationship I shut down and ran. And ran. And ran. And ran.

Until one day I finally owned up to my shit and was able to see all of the wrong I had done. I was able to see how selfish I was and how much I was Godzilla-ing my way through life. "I was taking the long way, endin' up where I don't belong. Now I pray it's not too late to change the path I'm runnin' on." This path I'm on is very different.

Relationships aren't supposed to be anything. They are supposed to be relationships. Sometimes hard and sometimes easy. It doesn't make one more right than the other. What matters is the love, connection, honesty, and communication between the people in the relationship and whether they're either heading down the same path or reaching for the same end result.

I think. Fuck. Maybe I don't have a clue. 

I know how I feel. It's taken me a really long time to finally know how I really feel, but I finally do and these days I feel humbled. Humbled by the events and my decisions and actions over the past few years. I know I don't want to be that asshole anymore. I know that today I am a better person than I was yesterday and that's a great accomplishment. I also know that tomorrow I will be a better person than I am today because I will keep on working on this open and honest communication with the people I am in relationship with now. My family and closest friends.

I also know that I am grateful for those who call me out on my shit, even if indirectly. I'm finally in a space where I don't automatically go into a self defense mode and can honestly sit with it, take it in and consider whether or not something should change in me.

If a relationship does ever happens for me again, I know it'll look different than the idea that I've carried around in my head all these years about love. You might say that it'll look much more practical and realistic. I don't feel the need, although the want will always be there, for the forever ever after. I'll want space and time for myself within the relationship and I'll most likely want to sleep separately, although not every night but often. When my tiny house comes to fruition, maybe even have our own tiny houses on the same property. I guess what I'm explaining is more of an intimate companionship.

Even if that doesn't happen, I will still have my family and close friends to make those connections and have that companionship. Plus, there are always dogs. Dogs are the best companions.

I've let go of my attachment to my need to be loved. I've kicked the asshole out of my head and every day I'm becoming that person who I always thought I was. Honest. Loving. Open. Trustworthy. Loyal. Compassionate. Considerate. Someone that truly knows the meaning of family and being a good friend.

6 comments:

  1. My cimment was deleted! Shit. It was so profound to. Lol fuck it~medina

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    1. Damn! I don't know why it would have been deleted. And darn for missing out on a profound comment from you, M!

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  2. I think this is a brave post. There are a few keys to life, I think, and one of them is getting clear on our stuff. The second is getting clear on the other person's stuff. We are very rarely in it alone.

    My thing is the opposite of yours, in a way. But I've been 100% on selecting unavailable women for one reason or another. Yeah. So while they were busy ducking out, and I was being left, I have to face the fact that I knew that's who they were when we got in to it. That the timing with these women was off. So they were unavailable; but I was choosing to be with someone I knew, at some level, was unavailable.

    I'm basically saying that it takes two to have a relationship and it takes two to have relationship problems.

    Why have I chosen what I did in the past? It's something I'm working on. And I have plenty of time to work on it, frankly, as it will be a bit before I'm ready to be in a relationship. So I relate to where you are.

    My own definition of a good relationship is that you know you're in one when the other person is encouraging you to be more and more yourself and not expecting you to cut off little pieces of yourself that don't work for them. And that you do the same for them.

    Anyway, I realize we don't know each other, but thought I'd pipe up about this. Since I've been that girl. And I have to own that too.

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    1. Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not alone on this path.

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