Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Staying Positive

Staying positive in the face of frustration is difficult, to say the least.  When you just can't seem to find your way around or through a problem, or when the life you keep trying to get away from keeps trying to creep back up on you it's all you can do to find the positive in things.  Sometimes the frustration is a motivator, which can be a positive thing.  Other times the frustration can lead your thoughts in a circular and abusive pattern that get you no where.

Today, for me, is unfortunately one of those days where frustration is doing the later.  Leading my thoughts in some sort of circular pattern where all I seem to be able to do is beat myself up over it all.  I am all kinds of frustrated over my current situation.  The one where I am struggling and it's beginning to get the better part of me.

I've spent the last couple of hours looking at jobs to apply for in order to figure out a way to make it all work.   The jobs that I would like to be doing no longer come physically easily for me due to my knee and then there are those jobs that I can do, make a decent amount of money doing but have absolutely no desire to do them.  You guessed it.  Those accounting jobs.

My head keeps telling me, "Wendi, you have a degree in finance.  Why not use it?  You spent all this time and money to get it and now you're not even taking advantage of it."  Yes.  I'm not taking advantage of it because it makes me miserable and unhappy.  But why can't I just do it and suck it up and find a way to be happy with it?  Because it doesn't make me happy.  I've spent over 25 years trying to find a way to be happy with it. 

You see?  Circular thinking. 

Honestly, I could go on and on about this but it's not doing me any good.  I'm not figuring things out by going in circles like this.  All it's doing is making me more frustrated and more upset with myself.  I think a lot of this might have to do with my current state of exhaustion.  Exhaustion exacerbates everything.   Those mountains in the distance?  They started off as molehills. 

I am where I am because of the choices I've made in my life.   The question now is what will I choose to do next?


  1. Hi Wendi,

    I can't help but to share this great new resource that I just discovered. His name is Jeff Brown. Perhaps you have already heard of him. I know, based on all that you write, that you are seeking to live an authentic life, reaching for all the more that is there within your soul. What you have written here made me think about Jeff's book that I have just begun reading. This dilemma you find yourself in is certainly not uncommon to those of us striving to listen to our Soul's Direction. You are not alone, that's for sure. And you ARE finding your way through this tangled web of confusion. The book title is:
    SOULSHAPING: A JOURNEY OF SELF-CREATION and his facebook page is:

    Your SoulSister,

  2. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I chickened out going full-throttle, no parachute, and went for my teacher's certification instead. I hated it. H-A-T-E-D it. And I feel/felt guilty about hating it because it is such a Noble Profession and I feel like a failure for not doing well at it. But that's the way it was. I just wasn't good at it because I do not have the personality/temperment for it. I'm not very authoritative, and when I have to be, it stresses me out. I was miserable. It ruined my health. Literally. It literally ruined my health. I ended up in the emergency room. Twice. I was sick and tired and exhausted.

    Now, I am living with a chronic health condition, on disability and working part time as a waitress. I live in a decent house in a decent neighborhood because I have a roommate (ex-girlfriend, oy) and we split the bills.

    A few weeks ago, I was accepted into an M.F.A program. My concentration is poetry.

    I couldn't be happier.

    Don't beat yourself up if you can't stay positive. Sometimes you just have to make it your goal to stay sane until you can see your way out of any given current situation.

    I don't know you, and maybe I'm just having some weird post-menstrual as opposed to pre-menstrual syndrome emotional thing here, but for some reason this post just struck me. I'm sending you good vibes from afar.

  3. I get it. I feel the same way. I spent all this time (and $) getting a degree, working in an academic environment, and I am not so sure its the right thing. If I have to continually ask myself if it is....isn't that the answer? What if I am wrong? Its these moments when I need to dig into my pocket for a little faith, some kind of reminder in my heart that will lead me to a quieter, simpler place....that's home.

  4. I'm sorry the circular stuff is comin' 'round at you again. It hits me periodically as well, and this week has been especially intense.

    I did think from previous posts that you'd found a job you could love, and I'm sorry to hear that hasn't worked out as you'd hoped.

    Sending you peaceful vibes as you work through this latest...

  5. Thank you, Heather! I will look into that book.

    Amber, thank you, as well. I appreciate all the good vibes I can get and I'm doing my best not to beat myself up through this time of major transition. Congratulations on your acceptance to the MFA program! That's awesome!

    Cedar, exactly. Those questions are our answers, really.

    MakingSpace, I am still working at FedEx and absolutely love it there. The problem at the moment is that it's part-time and doesn't pay all the bills just yet. I am able to squeeze my rent, utilities, gas and a bit of food money out of it so the necessities are taken care of. My concern are the other things like my cell phone and my car payment. Therein lies the struggle at the moment. I think the biggest struggle is with my way of thinking around all of it. After working in a profession that pays all of the bills yet brings me no happiness nor feeds my soul, it's difficult to let that way of thinking go in order to find my happiness and that which feeds my soul. Finding a way to see that both can be accomplished (being happy and having the bills paid) is the key for me.

  6. I think this struggle is, if not universal, sadly common. It's the circular thinking that makes one feel crazy. I'm sure you've looked at all the simple options: cutting out expenses, taking on a roommate, second job, etc. Sometimes I think that meditating, and putting it out of your mind, and saying "I have enough for today" can help calm your soul.
    You've already made your decision about accounting. Don't second guess yourself. Trust your feelings on that.
    You will find the way.