Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Today, for me, is unfortunately one of those days where frustration is doing the later. Leading my thoughts in some sort of circular pattern where all I seem to be able to do is beat myself up over it all. I am all kinds of frustrated over my current situation. The one where I am struggling and it's beginning to get the better part of me.
I've spent the last couple of hours looking at jobs to apply for in order to figure out a way to make it all work. The jobs that I would like to be doing no longer come physically easily for me due to my knee and then there are those jobs that I can do, make a decent amount of money doing but have absolutely no desire to do them. You guessed it. Those accounting jobs.
My head keeps telling me, "Wendi, you have a degree in finance. Why not use it? You spent all this time and money to get it and now you're not even taking advantage of it." Yes. I'm not taking advantage of it because it makes me miserable and unhappy. But why can't I just do it and suck it up and find a way to be happy with it? Because it doesn't make me happy. I've spent over 25 years trying to find a way to be happy with it.
You see? Circular thinking.
Honestly, I could go on and on about this but it's not doing me any good. I'm not figuring things out by going in circles like this. All it's doing is making me more frustrated and more upset with myself. I think a lot of this might have to do with my current state of exhaustion. Exhaustion exacerbates everything. Those mountains in the distance? They started off as molehills.
I am where I am because of the choices I've made in my life. The question now is what will I choose to do next?