Thursday, February 16, 2012

Have You Seen Her?

I find myself in this mental space of trying to figure out exactly who I am and it feels a bit odd.  The title of this blog suits me better then I once thought.  I've spent so many years focused on things outside of myself and others around me that I am very much a stranger to myself. 

It's sort of an odd space to find myself in.  It seems as though I am walking in this spiral and continue to come back to this space over and over and over again.  The pull of it deepening with each pass. 

The question remains though.  Who am I?  What are my passions?  My strengths?  My weaknesses?  My likes and dislikes?  What do I stand for? 

Deep thoughts on this Thursday. 

The thing about this blog is I find myself stressing over what to write lately.  Again.  I allow thoughts about it that run through my head to torture me.  "I should be writing more about my butch experience."  "I should write about current events."  "I should write about things that people want to read."  There's an underlying sense of wanting attention that I've never fully admitted to myself before.  I am completely uncomfortable with it.  Wanting to crawl out of my skin uncomfortable with it. 

Where the fuck did that come from?

Excuse me while I go ponder this a bit more.


  1. There is nothing wrong with evaluating who you are. I have been doing it almost constantly as of late. As the world tries to push me this way or that, I like to stop and question, the world, is that me? But doing makes sure that I am being true to who I am. You should be writing what ever is true to the moment for you. And if that means questioning who you are, then that is part of your own butch experience.

  2. I think one of the best parts of getting older is the realization that not only do you not really know who you are, but that there is, in fact, some choice in the matter. When you're young you go with the crowd, or live as the person your parents want you to be, without really giving it any thought. But as a bonafide grown up, you suddenly realize that you have the power to change who you are, and who you think you should be, and who you want to be. And you can change that, too, down the road. How awesome is that?

    And as to blogging: I have wondered too if I 'should' be writing more about being femme, more about gender, more about...something. But in fact, I should be writing about the things I want to write about. People who like those things will read. And I like your writing, especially when it's real, and what you're thinking, and No 'shoulds' attached. :)

  3. i really feel you on these two points...
    i've been putting my self under a lot of scrutiny lately. its disconcerting all this self-evaluation, but it also lets me know i'm still alive...growing, moving forward. the scrutiny creeps into my blogging as well..."you should be writing about more important things that people really want to hear" but in the end i should be writing about what is important to me in this moment. what you have to say, whatever it is, will resonate with someone!

  4. I've been feeling uncomfortable with writing about my feeling/growing process too lately. I hope the feelings pass. Writing it out, even when it's rough, seems like the best way through...

  5. Thanks so much to all of you for your support and kind words. This blog is my own and I should treat it as such. I am a butch and my experiences are a part of my own butch experience. What I write about, whether it be about being butch or the trials I face within this lifetime, I know that I write about it because it may help others. I know for sure that it helps me.