|Photo by SD Holman|
My girl did. She seemed a bit surprised by it but my reaction to her when she mentioned it was one of, "It happens a lot. I've just become oblivious to it." A few steps after that I realized that I was surprised by my reaction to her.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm constantly trying to make the people around me feel comfortable and by doing that I down play situations, make them seem not so important. I make it seem as if those situations don't bother me when they actually do. My concern for their comfort takes a higher priority then my own. It did bother me. Yes, it does happen to me the majority of the time but the majority of the time I'm not bothered by it. When it does bother me, I have to ask myself the deeper question of why and what's really the issue that's at the deeper level that needs to be dealt with at the moment?
I've been struggling lately with self-confidence issues which is having a huge impact on my self-esteem. Lately all of that energy has been focused on my body and how uncomfortable I am in it. It's bigger then what I'm used to and it doesn't fit into clothes that it used to. It doesn't do the things it used to do when I was younger and an athlete. It constantly aches.
I was a sprint swimmer, a catcher and first basemen in softball and center and left tackle on the women's full tackle football team. I wasn't ever the best athlete on the field or in the pool but I poured my heart into every sport I played. My second home was the gym. Everything I did revolved around a physical activity.
Then the injury happened and I gave away those physical things that I loved, which, looking back, gave me a connection to my body. A connection I no longer feel.
I think it all stems from the frustration I feel over the fact that I can't do what I used to do. I can't go for a jog or a run without doing further damage to my knee. I can't. I can't. I can't. The words "I can't" have wormed their way into my vocabulary and it makes me feel weak. That feeling beats on my self-confidence and, in turn, crushes my self-esteem. Does being strong and being an athlete define who I am? Have I allowed it to define who I am?
The fact of the matter is, I can do other things like bicycle or swim or use the elliptical and I can continue to work out. Something in me gave up when my knee went belly up though.
Why did I choose to lose that connection to my body, to myself?
There it is. The deeper question to all of this. Interesting. I have more to ponder.