Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Again, and Again, and Again

Third time's a charm, right? Well, it's really the fourth but enough with the counting. I gave up numbers years ago.

That path that I talked about starting down again back in November of last year was briefly sidetracked. I thought I would be able to handle dating while remaining committed to being single but I just don't seem to be built that way. Thankfully one of us was smart enough and brave enough to cut things off so we could both continue down the healing paths that we forged for ourselves.

So, here I am again. Processing grief, battling depression that the grief seems to have triggered but I am winning the battle. The battle happens daily, sometimes moment to moment but I keep reminding myself that I'm still here so I'm winning.

On the first of this month I finally got myself outside on the track to try out my knees with running again. While running I had an idea to start tracking the things that I do to battle this disease of depression through photographs on my Instagram account. I'm using the hashtag "fuckdepression". It's a knock off from "fuckcancer" that I've noticed some of my social media connections have been using. I like it. It helps me stand up to it and do something for myself. The photographs will serve as reminders for me. Perhaps they will inspire someone else who is waging the same war.



Other changes are coming that will help with my intentions of continuing to work on letting go of the past, being grateful for what I have, focusing on work and paying off debts, finishing the book (I am currently in talks with a local indie publisher!), getting to know me, and learning all I can about care giving, gardening and building a tiny house. Care giving because at some point in my future I will move back down to Southern California to take care of one or both of my parents, gardening because I will one day grow my own food again and building a tiny house because that's where I want to live. In a tiny house that I built with my own two hands on a piece of land with a small pack of dogs. 

Hopefully, I'll keep coming back to this space to write about it.

13 comments:

  1. 18 months post divorce and still reeling. In love but hands pull me back, not easy to cut ties with someone you love.

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    1. Sounds like a very cool way to live, love and laugh.

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  2. we are going to figure out how to buy property to put a number of tiny houses in a community of queer minded, earth grounded, simple living folks. i hope you join us :-D ~medina

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    1. Awesome! I will be years behind you but who knows. Maybe we'll make it happen. :)

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  3. Depression is a selfish bitch Wendi but her sister Faith is on your side & she silently stands beside you always...waiting for you to finally feel the weight of depression lifted off your shoulders & in your heart. I once was depressed too Wendi. I was even taking some very strong medication to cope with my depression & low self esteem but not by my choice. ..and when she walked out of my life for good I was set free...I stopped taking the meds & being depressed; I started living once again! I was free both physically & spirituality & especially mentally. We all go through life's tribulations & we either learn from them or we choose to keep repeating them. That is why I chose to go into the field of Psychology because I've been where you are & many others have been. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

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  4. You are still here, you are still breathing and still standing. I say this with respect and I don't know all the details of your journey, only what I read here... I think we are here to learn to love each other. At the end, that's all we take with us...that we loved and hopefully were loved. You can heal, grow, pay off debt, etc., and be in a relationship at the same time, it just needs to be with someone who supports you becoming your best you and vise versa. I don't think we were ever meant to walk this journey alone.

    I am truly sorry you are battling depression and grief. Neither are neighborhoods I am particularly fond of but I've been in both and grown from the experiences.

    Awesome job on the running! Exercise is the best thing but hardest thing to do while depressed.

    *sending light into your darkness*

    ~Elizabeth

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    1. Honestly, I'm not convinced that I can heal, grow, pay off debt, etc., and be in a relationship at the same time. Right now, in this moment, I'm not convinced that I am capable of being in a relationship. The independence and self reliance I grew up with is so powerful and deeply ingrained that I make decisions within a relationship that are usually made outside of a relationship, if that makes sense. It has a lot to do with trust, as well. Abandonment. So much. Part of me feels like I'm loving others by saving them from the burden of me. I want so badly to be in relationship but once there and the reality of the burdens and baggage I bring to the table become obvious, I bolt. That's not said to gain any sort of sympathy. It's simply a statement of how my brain works. I know it's all crazy making but it's where I'm starting from. Also, after feeling like I raised my parents (drugs and alcohol dependency) then raised my son, I feel like it's time to just worry about me for a bit. I hope this all makes sense. I don't feel like I'm all that coherent these days. Anyway, Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

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    2. You do make sense in what you are saying and it isn’t crazy making, in my opinion. You are working through it. I want to be careful with my words, so as not to devalue your thoughts. Maybe you need to break your pattern, which seems to be bolting.
      You are not a burden unless you make yourself one. Being a burden doesn’t strike me as describing you and especially with the statements that you are independent, self-reliant and have a tendency to make decisions without consulting your “other”, when you have one. I think everyone worries about being abandoned on some level. Trust is earned over time.
      Maybe this next thought describes you, maybe it doesn’t. I think for some, when dating and/or starting a relationship, somehow before even blinking everything that was being working on/toward goes to the wayside in favor of the relationship. You feel like you have no time for just “you”. It starts to feel as though the only way to be whole is to be single or never reach your goals.
      Bolting doesn’t work. You’ve tried it and you just end up more miserable. I’m not trying to convince you that this latest relationship is the right one, because maybe it isn’t. I think you already know the answer to that in your gut. In the middle of all your thoughts above you spoke very clearly… “I want so badly to be in relationship” and then you followed with a “but…” What is it that you are seeing/perceiving/feeling from the other person that makes you want to bolt? Maybe you’ve bought into the lie that you have to have your shit all together to be loveable. Maybe you need to redefine what the perfect relationship right now looks like for you. You already know what you’ve been doing doesn’t work, so let’s tear it apart and start again. Needs/wants/deal-breakers/pie-in-the-sky.
      I’m not a therapist and I’m not trying to be one here, just a friend. I think you know I’m here in PDX and if you’d like to have coffee/tea, I can be a friend and listen. I can also bring pen/paper and help with the new plan.
      Elizabeth

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    3. "You are not a burden unless you make yourself one." I already have. The debt I carry for my and my son's education is heavy enough to way anyone's dreams down like a lead anchor on a hot air balloon. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I think that at this point I'm just going to try and embrace walking this single path. I've jumped from one relationship to the next over the past 9 years with very little single time in between to regroup and heal. It's time to regroup and heal for longer than a few months.

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  5. I understand the desire/not ready thing regarding relationships. I'm single even though I don't think of myself as someone who is the sort of soul who ought to be single. But there is so much else going on in life at the moment that I am well aware that relationship is the last place I should try to point myself at the moment.

    So I am trying to find my way through the other parts of life that need work.

    Eventually, I hope I end up with exactly that: the tiny or small house, dogs, to let go of what is past, to remember to be grateful for the present, and a garden.

    For now, I'm trying to trust that I'm where I need to be even if I can't really figure out the whys behind the whats of my life at the moment.

    I wish you well and am glad you are winning the good fight.

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    1. Thank you. All the best to you, as well.

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