The past three and a half weeks have been a bit surreal, to say the least. The weekend where I decided to put in my notice at work was a weekend where everything shifted for me. Up until that weekend I was living my life for everyone else. Living up to everyone else’s expectations of me. Well, trying to, at least.
You see, I found my self worth outside of myself. I was worthy of people and things because of what I did as a ‘career’ and whom I took care of. Who I took care of was everyone else other than me. Yes, that career afforded me things and paid the bills and helped me to take care of others. The problem was that I could feel myself slowly dying inside.
Don’t get me wrong, accounting is a good career and many people enjoy keeping track of other people’s money and looking at the bottom line. Accounting is the language of business and it was interesting to learn that language. It just never was anything more to me than a way to make money. I’ve been chasing money as a form of happiness for a good part of my life. At 40 years of age I have come to realize, finally, that money isn’t going to make me happy. Chasing it isn’t going to make me happy. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness comes from within. Self worth comes from within.
I’ve finally learned that if I’m not happy in all aspects of my life, including my job, than chances are I’m not going to be happy in any aspects of my life. In the career that I had chosen I was completely unhappy and thoroughly unsatisfied. Sacrificing my happiness and therefore my life for the good of the company. The company who, quite honestly, could really care less about my well being or the well being of people and the world in general.
People would tell me, “You work so that you can live on your days off.” The problem with that is I was so depressed and felt so worthless to the world in the job that I had that I couldn’t bring myself to actually live on my days off. It affected everything in my life. Even my relationships, both intimate and friendships. I couldn’t have fun. All I could focus on were the words “What’s the point?” and the fact that I had to go to work on Monday.
When you crunch the numbers, I spent ¼ of my 7 day weeks working. That doesn’t seem to be a very long time at all, really. But the energy that it took for me to get through each and every work day was all consuming. Every day I went into work felt like a sucker punch to my gut. After getting some rest on the weekend and regrouping as much as I possibly could from the week prior I would walk into the office feeling a slight touch of confidence, standing up straight as if to say "I can do this." only to be met with a blow to the gut that doubled me over and sucked the life out of me. As the week progressed I could feel myself completely shut down.
Looking even further at the numbers, if I slept 8 hours a night, as well, that’s another ¼ of my week so ½ of my week was spent working and sleeping. Or, in my case, struggling to sleep because it affected that part of my life as well.
I remember thinking about how what I was doing didn’t really matter to the big picture. It didn’t do anything to better the world or the environment or even myself. I didn’t feel good about it at the end of the day. To me, there was nothing to feel good about.
Needless to say, it was time to make a change. A drastic change. Everything in my world had already been turned upside down and I continue to grieve for each and every loss but the truth of the matter is I would not have been able to see even a tiny glimpse of the change that I needed to make happen had I not experienced all of that loss. The passing of my canine companion of seven years, a knee injury which caused me to slow down and give up my football ‘career’ in the Women’s Football Alliance on the team that I helped start, the passing of my Grandmother and the loss an intimate relationship. As devastating as all of it has been, I wouldn’t have been able to see the change, let alone make the change, that needed to be made without experiencing all of it.
The Friday before I made the decision to give my notice at work and make this huge change in my life a friend of mine did a Shamanic journey for me with some of her students during a weekend workshop that she taught. One of the things that she brought back from her journey touched me and has stuck with me through all of this.
She said, “In my journey I received the clear message that you would rather be "crucified" than to stand in your power. That is not a word I would use, so I questioned it. But that word is important for some reason. And you have to surrender to the idea that there is a higher purpose to everything you are experiencing if you are going to stop the cycles and move forward. It's like you are stuck in this loop because you cannot admit to yourself that you have a higher purpose.”
I would rather be “crucified” than stand in my power. In other words, I would rather allow my power to be destroyed by others. I would rather give them my power to destroy than stand in it and claim it as mine.
Whether it was the power of those students journeying for me or something in me finally connecting to what was happening in my life or a combination of both, I don’t really know. What I do know is something in me ‘clicked’ and almost over night I felt strong enough and powerful enough to jump off that proverbial cliff and fly. I felt, and still feel, complete trust in the Universe and that ‘still small voice’ inside of me to guide me to my higher purpose in this plane of existence.
The Universe has already provided for me during this period of transition. My son received a large check from the college he is attending and he will be using that money to live on for the next six months. I’ve had several friends offer up free space to me if things get a little too tight while I find my way, as well. I know I will find my right path and my higher purpose in this journey. One where I am happy and fulfilled and make a difference in this crazy world we live in. I am grateful to the powers that be for showing me the way.