Friday, September 24, 2010
The night before last I had a dream that I went back to my old desk at my last job and asked my co-workers if they thought the boss would let me stay if I just started working like none of this ever happened. I awoke from that dream feeling defeated. As though I wasn’t strong enough to handle this challenge to change.
As I thought about it through the day I came to realize that it was all about the attraction of going back to what’s comfortable as opposed to continuing on this path of the unknown.
That morning I surfed over to craigslist to see what was happening in the way of job postings. As the site came up I stared at the ‘accounting+finance’ link for a few moments. A battle raged inside my head as I contemplated actually clicking on the link and looking at the postings.
“It would just be easier to go back to it. But I hate doing it. ‘Hate’ being the operative word here. But it would be so much easier to go back to it and get lost in the world again. Succumb to societies expectations of me. What’s left of my soul would disappear. I might as well put the gun to my head now.”
Back and forth I went with these thoughts until finally I clicked on it. As I read the post titles I could feel my stomach start to churn, like I had just eaten a rotten egg. Immediately I closed my browser and sat there for a moment in the silence with my computer on my lap. Waiting for my stomach to settle.
I can’t go back to that way of being. For me, it’s not living. I want to live and experience this life on my terms.
This path of the unknown comes with a lot of internal ‘work’. I’m looking at things inside myself that I’ve not always been comfortable with. Always taking the path of least resistance is one of them. Changing my perspective on my life means being someone I’ve never allowed myself to be. This scares the crap out of me. On all levels of my being. This is my challenge and what I have to overcome. Letting go.
At this point, aside from doing my internal work, I’m not sure of what comes next. That’s the dark beauty of the unknown. In all honesty, I’m scared but I’m also looking forward to finding me.