Saturday, December 18, 2010

Living


Today is my birthday.  A day where I look back on my life and do a bit of a self-assessment.  I’m in my 40’s and I think to myself, “Is this where I thought I’d be in my 40’s?”  Honestly, I don’t think I really ever thought about being in my 40’s but today, and the last few days, I find myself in a space where I’m feeling a bit unsure of myself and of my abilities.  I hate to say it but there have been more than a few times when I’ve stopped and thought to myself, “Wendi, what in the hell are you doing? You gave up a decent paying job and having all of your bills paid for this life of uncertainty.  That’s not very responsible of you.  What the hell?”   

After that initial ‘what the hell’, beating myself over the head sort of self-talk happens I begin to remember how incredibly un-happy I was in that job.  No amount of money in the world could make that ok for me anymore.  Ok, maybe if enough money were involved to pay off all of my debt and work the job for a year at minimum, then maybe it would be ok.  But, that’s not the case at all.  I was staring down the barrel of a lifetime of misery and self-sabotage.  I just couldn’t do it any longer.  I’m not going to do it again.

Yes, at this moment in time I am struggling financially and my bills have fallen behind but the reality of it for me is that those things are minimal when you consider the big picture of life.  I’m broke but I can honestly say I am happy. 

Learning to put this kind of trust in the Universe has been a struggle, to say the least, but at this point I know that this is simply a transitional period for me.  It’s temporary.  It won’t always be this way.  I am rich in so many ways (love, joy, happiness, art, friendships, family, compassion, health and laughter) and the financial richness will eventually follow.  Somehow, I know this is true.  It’s just a matter of time.  How much time?  I don’t have the answer to that question but that’s ok. 

Until then I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take more photographs, write more stories and spend as much time with my amazing circle of friends and family as I possibly can.  I’ll keep doing those things even after the financial richness has followed.  This is what life is about.  This is living.

2 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday, Wendi! Changing direction in life causes tumult...but, it's only temporary! I had to smile when I saw your photo embedded in this post because I recently took some very similar to it! Don't you just love the way photography can capture a moment?

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  2. Thank you! I sure do love that about photography. It's why I love it so much.

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