Monday, December 27, 2010

Numb


I am stuck between me and some version of me.  A made up, partially shut down version of myself.   The observer who is watching the movie of my life.  Scenes flicker on the screen, characters come and go but there’s no forward movement.  No plot to this particular story.  I am a part of it yet disconnected.  Removed from my emotions and sense of, well, everything.  Numb.

Words don’t flow very easily when I’m in this space.  I’d like to say that I’ve ‘gone within’ but that doesn’t feel true.  I feel more like I’ve shut down.  Numbed myself to things around me.  A sense of overwhelm does this to me.  With the holidays and so much happening around me and in my life, I seem to have an incredibly difficult time staying present.  The ‘fight or flight’ mode has kicked in and I mostly want to flee.  The idea of renting a cabin on Mt. Hood for the entire month of December sounds comforting at this point. 

I just realized that I am much more complex than I had originally thought.  I’m not yet sure how I feel about this revelation, either. 

This morning I re-read my piece that I wrote to submit to the BDSM anthology and was thankful that I was able to get it out before I found myself in this space.  I am happy with it and am excited to see what happens with it.  Perhaps by this time next year I can call myself a published writer.  I would like that very much.

2 comments:

  1. Oh honey. I've reread this post a dozen times, searching for words that would be comforting, and not coming up with any.
    Except perhaps this: Know I have faith in you, and I am confident you will return to the story that is your life, however that gets written. Be gentle with yourself. Know that when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly it doesn't look as though anything is going on in that chrysalis.
    Sending you strength, courage, and illumination.

    ReplyDelete