Being home has been both good and bad. I’m worn out from care-taking and cleaning up. I feel for my Mom who is still in pain. She just can’t get comfortable. That useless feeling that comes from not being able to take the pain away for her is difficult to deal with.
I haven’t been able to sleep much so today has been a difficult day for me, mentally. When I get this worn out I have a much more difficult time dealing with emotions. With the elections came a few political conversations where I felt myself shutting down. Add a few comments here and there and suddenly I feel like a teenager again. Not completely, but enough to make an impact.
When I first got here I felt stronger mentally and emotionally. I still feel strong but after spending the last week without much of the quiet, reflective time I usually have I’m feeling really weak and lost. I haven’t been writing or meditating. Haven’t taken a lot of pictures or spent much time alone. It’s become very clear to me that I need these things in my life in order to stay balanced and focused. This lost feeling is uncomfortable for me.
I also haven’t worked out much since I’ve been here, although being a caretaker is pretty physical. Going to the gym and making my body stronger brings me peace and confidence. It eliminates the pent up frustration and makes things much more easier to deal with.
I also miss my guitar. I haven’t picked it up in a couple of weeks and I’m jonesing for it.
Tonight is my last night here at home. Tomorrow morning I’ll start the drive back to Oregon and will be home on Friday. I already plan on hitting the gym Friday night and am really looking forward to the quite, reflective time on the drive home.
It’s been good to be home and Mom is healing nicely. I’m happy that my schedule allowed me to come down and help her. I’m really ready to get home though. My home.