This morning I sat down to do more free writing. Trying to get the flow going again. After feeling a jump in my heartbeat from seeing the blank screen, this is what finally began to flow.
I'm sharing it in case it may help others out there dealing with the same issues. Please pardon the lack of structure. It's free writing in it's truest sense.
Some days everything posted on the internet, well mostly everything, makes me want to cry and run away to a tiny cabin in the middle of no where. Today is one of those days. So, I limited myself to only an hour and have closed the window.
As connected as we seem to be via the internet these days, I feel like I'm craving connection more and more. Facebook and Twitter feel more and more like missed connections to me. I miss the personal emails! We used to have them. What I really miss are the personal letters. As hard as I try to get people to write them, it just doesn't seem to be working. Everyone is very busy. Society moves at such a fast pace these days.
A fellow writer and blogger wrote a post a few days ago about growing up just wanting to be noticed. To be seen. I grew up that way, too. I'd do anything for attention. Well, anything good for good attention. I had to be the perfect child. The one who made everyone's life easier and happier.
I just want to be noticed. To be remembered. To be encouraged to do more of the things that...other people enjoy? Wait a minute.
Is that what I really want? I should be encouraged to do the things that I enjoy. That encouragement should come from me. Here I sit, again, waiting for approval from the outside. Waiting for acceptance from the outside. Someone else to stop and say, “You're pretty awesome. Please keep writing and taking beautiful photographs.” That should be coming from me. Not from others.
How do I feel when I write?
I feel clarity, creativity, present, artistic, intelligent (most of the time) and free. Free to write whatever I choose. Free to speak my mind without editing. Specially in a free writing exercise where things come up that I didn't even know about until the words flow from my fingertips to the keys and to the pixelated page. Like what's happening now.
How do I feel when I take photos?
I feel like a keeper of those moments that I capture on my camera. I feel somehow responsible to show the world it's beauty, but that responsibility isn't a heavy burden. It's an honor. I feel passionate about capturing people in those beautiful moments that they often times miss. Those fleeting moments of happiness or peacefulness or love. I feel passionate about showing people the beauty I see in them. The beauty they may not see in themselves but really should see because they are beautiful.
This is my own encouragement. This is where it should come from. Me. I do these things because they make ME happy. I don't have to be that perfect child anymore. I can just do things because they make me happy. What a realization. One that I seem to have to come back around to time and time again.
Someday I'll just "get it".