Radical Self-Reliance

My first Burning Man in 2012

According to one of the 10 principles of Burning Man, radical self-reliance is to discover, exercise and rely on your inner resources. This is what I've finally begun to empower myself to do in my life and it feels amazing. It feels freeing and enlightening and amazing.

Over the past week a few of the caring people in my life have shared with me that I project as someone who is deeply depressed. I've been told that I project as a “hurt puppy” and I need to “get over it”, that I need to tell the past it's dead and move forward, to stop wallowing in the past, and that I just seem (at least online) as someone who is incredibly sad. I do appreciate the concern and as painful as it is to hear these things, they are true. Well, the fact is, I have been deeply depressed. 

But, it's also true that I have been doing lots of things to climb out of that depression and to move forward in my life. I just haven't been writing about them online as I work through them. The awesome thing about this message from these people is that it gave me a hardy and swift kick in the pants to refocus my energy from the negative to the positive. 

Where radical self-reliance comes in is here: for the last couple of months I've been reading everything I could get my hands on in search of “the answer” and I've come to finally realize that I already have all of the “answers”, all of the tools, that I need to move forward to not only be a better human being but to see my own worth in the world. Now I need to use them and do the work. Reading about changing my way of thinking isn't going to automatically change my way of thinking. I have to recognize my old thought patterns and consciously make a change when they rear their ugly heads.

This past week I had the opportunity to do just that. A situation came up where I found my thoughts going to this place where I was comparing myself to someone else. The self hating thoughts of “not enough” came flooding in and I allowed them to until I finally realized what was happening. I was able to catch myself, stop the comparison and focus on the stuff that is good about me, that I do have to offer then began to work on accepting and embracing those things about myself. I was also able to realistically see that not everyone would appreciate those things about me or treasure the love I have to offer and have it be enough and that's ok. The fact is that I am enough. I am more then enough for someone out there and I am working every day on convincing myself of that fact.

Within that same situation, I was also able to recognize an old thought pattern of martyrdom and stop it in it's tracks by creating a boundary. Without going into much detail, I wanted to keep my integrity in the situation and knew that I couldn't do that if I continued a dialogue with a person who approached me. The intentions were good, I believe, but because of who she is and the feelings it brought up for me, I couldn't continue. It felt like I had been pushed a few steps back in my progress and I couldn't let that continue. Continuing with it is something the old me would have done, the one who wants to help everyone even if it's painful for me. So I set a boundary and spoke my truth about how I was feeling and you know what? It didn't kill me. As a matter of fact, it felt good to stand up for and care for myself. It felt good to step out of the situation, keep my integrity and be totally honest about it all.

As far as the past goes, it's just that. The past. There is nothing I can do to change it. What's done is done. I've owned up to and apologized for my mistakes and all I can do now is forgive myself and let it all go. I know in my heart that I will always love and have a place for those who I have hurt and who have chosen to let go of our connection. Torturing myself over it isn't going to bring them back and it isn't going to change how they feel. It only affects me. It's time to let it all go. Let the grief bubble up when it does, sit through it, then move on. Let it go and move forward. Let it go and move forward.

Focusing on the facts of my life in this present moment help me to see that right now my life is pretty frickin' awesome.

• I am in the middle of an amazing photography project that has brought so much good to my life.
• I have two really great part-time jobs that balance each other out nicely.
• I work for really nice people who appreciate me and treat me well.
• Even though the doggie daycare doesn't pay much, I'm paid in so much more than money.
• I love my job at the doggie daycare so hard and I've learned some new things at the IT job.
• Both jobs are here in town so there is no commute. My walk to my afternoon job is very pleasant and a nice break in my day.
• Paydays leave me feeling incredibly grateful and I have finally learned to save 10% of my pay every week. It isn't much but it's fun to watch the balance grow and saving that money has helped me to make my final trip for the project plus it's allowed me to give a few Solstice gifts this year. It will also help me with getting back to Portland.
• I live with an awesome woman who has so graciously given me space to move through this time in my life. As painful and disappointing as it is for her, she still loves and cares about me and my well being and has opened her space and her life up to me. She shares her time and her animals with me and the friendship that we are growing is beautiful. I am so grateful for her.

This year I have so much to look forward to.

• In a week and a half I will be in NYC for the first time visiting friends in Brooklyn for the weekend and galavanting around town with my camera on what we're calling “The Great NYC Queer Photo Geek Out”.
• A week after that I'll be visiting my sister in Connecticut who I haven't seen in 16 years.
• Sometime after that I'll drive up to Maine and visit a cousin I haven't seen in 36 years.
• I get to spend at least the next 4 months living in and exploring beautiful New England.
• I can't wait to help plan and celebrate Tracy's 50^th birthday party at the end of April.
• Trips to Boston on my own and with Tracy.
• More trips to Crane Beach to enjoy the sand and the sound of the waves. It's only 15 minutes away!
• Springtime in New England. I hear it's gorgeous and I can't wait to witness it for myself.
• I get to help a friend and a photographer who I have admired for years on a big photography project. I am so excited and honored to work with her and learn from her.
• Over the course of the next year I get to put the Butch/Femme Photo Project book together and get it published.
• My trip back to Portland sometime in May will include visits with friends and family along the way as well as some camping stops on my own. Some in places I've never been.
• Over the next year and a half I'll be planning and saving for a solo trip to Burning Man in 2015 to be a Temple Guardian. It's a trip that's been tugging at me for a bit now and one I am very excited about.
• Once I get back to Portland I have some incredible friends and family who have already offered up space for me to land and get settled. Plus, Portland has so many doggie daycares I can work for! :)

All of this plus I have an amazing group of friends and family who love and support me no matter what. Life is pretty fucking awesome. Focusing on all of this good is exactly what I have been doing lately and it, combined with my Zen meditation and journaling, is what's going to bring me out of this funk. I can feel it working already.

I am so incredibly blessed. My love and gratitude go out to those who have helped me reach this place on my path.

Transitions

Oh my goodness! Where to start?

My life seems to be filled with lots of transitions at the moment. Not just little transitions, either. I'm talking major life transitions happening in just about every, well, actually all aspects of my life. Relationship, home and work. I'm doing my best to handle them while I continue with the Butch/Femme Photo Project and the travel involved with it.

On the relationship front, my relationship with my girlfriend ended on July 7^th. I don't wish to go into any sort of details in this public setting so I will just say that things didn't work out with us. The break-up was done with as much love and compassion as we both could muster during that time and the month that followed since I stayed at the house during that month. Even after I moved out we continued to move through this transition with love and compassion but with both of our lives in a crazy state of busy, we seem to be drifting a bit. Which may be for the best for the time being while we figure out our life from this point on and adjust to our new type of relationship.

During the first weekend of August I moved out of the house and into my son's apartment. There are 4 of us here in a two bedroom apartment. My son and his boyfriend occupy one room, their roommate another and I'm crashing on the futon with my shit stacked in the corner. It is very much a transitional space for me and I seem to be adjusting to the temporary setting while doing my best not to cramp the young one's style, so to speak.

The final transition in regards to work is something I'm dealing with as well. Again, I don't want to go into any details just yet but give me another month or so.

Needless to say, I've had a lot going on these past couple of months, but I'm doing pretty well at this point. Grief is an ongoing thing that comes in bits and pieces but I'm moving through it moment by moment and doing my best to stay present through it all. The project has helped to keep me focused and has given me something to look forward to. I just returned from the Bay Area and am getting ready to fly to SoCal Friday morning for a 12 day trip to Los Angeles, San Diego, Long Beach, Marina del Rey, Phoenix (AZ) and Santa Fe (NM) to photograph for the project and visit friends and family. Yes, this week is the week that Burning Man happens and no, I won't be attending this year. In the end, I just could not possibly afford to go. (I'm still dealing with a bit of grief around that, as well. ) But, getting to see my family will make up for it.

It'll be a good trip. Lots of much needed hugs, photographing, laughing and catching up to ensue!

Gratitude, Gifting and Grandpa

An awesome TEDx Talk by John Styn.

His grandpa reminds me of mine. He focused on the positive in life, too. How could you focus on anything else with a name like A. Happy Haskell?

Take a 17 minute break and watch this video. It's totally worth it.

My Virgin Year At Burning Man

This year I was gifted with the opportunity to attend the Burning Man festival in Black Rock City, Nevada. If you don't know what Burning Man is, the best I can do is lead you to the web site. Everyone has asked me all about it and I'm finding that I just don't have the words to fully encapsulate the experience.

Burning Man is so hard to describe. It's almost sadly difficult to describe but only in the sense that the world and the society in which we live is running at such a fast pace and most everyone in it is connected but mostly in a virtual way. At Burning Man, I was completely disconnected from the virtual world and was fully connected to the world and everyone around me in a very real way. It was amazing, to say the very least.

The human connection and the connection that I used to feel to everything around me are connections that I had been craving. That connection, that feeling of being connected to everyone and everything, was all over Black Rock City. Everyone was so happy to be Home. Not one person greeted me with a simple handshake. Every greeting was met with a hug and not just a quick pat-on-the-back hug, these were from the heart, full embraces. The way hugs are supposed to feel. The hugs that you get when you know that the other person really sees you.

Going to Burning Man felt very much like a spiritual journey for me. My greeter at the gate was perfect for this journey, as well. First she gave me a big hug and said, "Welcome Home!" Then before she handed me the pipe to ring the bell with she pointed to where we had just come from and said, "There is your past," then pointing to where we were going she said, "this is your future. Ring the bell with all of your intentions for your week's experience and for your future."  That is exactly what I did. My intention was to open up my heart to whatever the week and the playa gifted to me.

I went Home in so many ways. Home to where everyone reconnected with each other and the world around them. Home to where I reconnected with myself.  Home to where I reconnected with everyone and everything around me. All of that reconnection has opened my eyes to the people and the world around me. Not to sound like the movie quote but, I SEE people. Seeing people makes me want to connect with them more even in the virtual world. I don't feel like I could just "Like" something on Facebook anymore. I'm more drawn to actually comment because it feels more to me like I'm connecting with them.

Hopefully, I can hold on to this feeling and I think I can. I have to remain conscious of it though and not allow myself to get so lost again. Staying present in the moments that I have are of utmost importance. Keeping site of my priorities, which is staying connected to myself, my family, my friends and the world around me is top priority. Everything else is just stuff, really. 

 Of course, while at Burning Man I took A LOT of photographs because it's a photographer's paradise. I've posted them all to my Flickr account if you'd like to check them out. I'll slowly add descriptions as I can. It's taken me 2 days to actually get through all of the photos so it'll take some time to get them all settled. They are in chronological order, within the set, from setting up camp (and resetting up camp after we were hit by what was actually a dust devil but what we're calling a tornado) to the sunrise of the last day and the sunset of last Thursday when my love took me on a surprise spa day to Bonneville Hot Springs.