Swimming In The Deep End

It's been six months since my last post and I am still the luckiest. I still wake up grateful every day. I still wake up feeling like I've won the lottery every day. Every single day.

I never could have imagined a love so beautiful and perfect. She is kind and loving, sweet and adventurous, smart and gorgeous. She's also real and genuine, open and honest. Her heart is stunningly beautiful and she loves me perfectly.

Never have I felt so heard and seen. To be my most vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage. I'm learning every day how to communicate my emotions. It's something that still feels very new to me. I can feel them but putting words to them in a way that helps someone understand them is challenging. Specially in the moment. But, she helps me.

I still struggle, at times, with that old feeling of not being "enough". Yesterday was one of those times. When I finally got the courage and found the words to tell her what was happening inside me, she stopped what she was doing and gave me her full attention. There was no judgement, no ridicule. Only kindness and understanding. Never have I felt like I mattered so much to someone. Never have I been so open.

In those times of complete openness and vulnerability, I feel like we're swimming in the deep end of this life. Those are the times where our hearts and our souls grow closer.

I'm not just lucky. I am blessed.

The Luckiest

This morning I am so incredibly grateful.

I sit here at my at my computer where I work from this beautiful home that I share with the love of my life. Outside my window are trees. Lots and lots of trees. The week that we moved here I spotted a coyote trotting down the road. I've seen deer and chipmunks and squirrels in our front and back yard. Hawks and Jays in the skies above us. Nature surrounds us completely.

I am truly blessed. Blessed to be in this beautiful space with this beautiful love that I share with her. She is one of the most loving, kind, fun and adventurous souls that I have known in this life and she loves me. She chooses me.

My heart is so full of love and so happy that it wants to leap out of my chest and smile and dance through the world.

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Every day.

I am the luckiest.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I Refuse To Live In Fear

The Women's March on Washington was an amazing experience. Never before have I taken part in a protest or stand where there were so many people and the energy stayed in a place of peaceful power. The unity and solidarity was palpable. At least in my experience of it.

Writing about it, finding the words to give it justice, has been challenging. To say the least. I left with the intention of writing about it while experiencing it but, honestly, it was so overwhelming that it made it impossible for me to write about. Now as I sit here and try to put words together to explain my experience, I find that I'm still failing.

Perhaps it's partly because of the constant barrage of daily bad news. I'm finding that the overwhelm is not going away. It's just gone from one extreme to the other. I've spent today limiting my social media contact and trying to listen to music but I'm finding that I mostly just want to sit in silence. The overwhelm is already so distracting that it's difficult to find my baring.

Everything that I care about is being signed away, shut down and de-funded. Not only are they things I care about, they are things that are important to the lives of so many people in this country. Shutting down the EPA will affect every single living being on this planet. That may sound overstated to some, but it absolutely is true. What we do matters.

Never in my lifetime have I seen such division and hatred in this country. The day before the inauguration we stopped at a Peet's Coffee in downtown Washington D.C. where the barista told us that just the day before he saw members of the KKK walking down the street in their robes and hoods. How completely terrifying.

Reading the news and talking to other people about their experiences has had me living in fear. I've had people online tell me that I'm giving into the "fear mongering" which confuses the fuck out of me because aren't they reading the same news? It really is true that if it doesn't affect some people personally, they just don't care about it and they think others to be ridiculous for caring about it. I just don't understand it.

While away in DC I had a brief conversation with another woman who cuts her hair very short. I won't identify her as butch because I don't know that she identifies that way. She's been considering whether or not to continue to get her hair cut short (buzz) because she fears for the possible consequences. I told her that I was having that very same struggle. But, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I'll be damned if I will let someone run me back into the closet. I'll be damned if I will allow someone to make me live in fear.

I am a warrior. I've always been a warrior and I will always be a warrior. A peaceful warrior but one nonetheless. I will always be an example for others in my community. I lead by example. I will not live my life according to anyone else. I will always be authentically me. Short hair, boxers, men's clothes and all. I am butch. I am a masculine of center woman.

Hear me fucking roar.

Women's March on Washington

So much change and transition has been happening for me over these past couple months. I keep meaning to sit down and write about them but either the words won't come or I just haven't been prioritizing writing. My paper journal has been neglected, as well. Sometimes the overwhelm of life silences the words and I just need to sit with and through it all.

This weekend I hope to write about this incredible experience I am about to embark on, though. This morning I leave for my first trip to Washington D.C. where I will march in the Women's March on Washington. It isn't my first march but it's the first time experiencing one of this size in a city where I've never been. I am a bit nervous, yes, but mostly I am incredibly excited for this experience.

Last night I explained to my Goddaughter, who is 8 years young, where I'm going and why. I was so proud of her. She gets it. I am not only marching for myself and all of the women I know, I am also marching for her. May this world be kinder and have more respect for her as she travels through it.

If you're heading to the March or plan to participate in any of the others around the country, please stay safe but let your voices be heard. Stand tall and stand proud. 

It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.

— Audre Lorde

Heart & Soul

This past Monday I took a walk in the woods close to the house. My heart and my thoughts have been heavy with home, family, friends and work so I was attempting to find my center. Nature always helps calm my mind and soothe my soul.

I walked up through the old North Cemetery communing with the trees. They aren't as vibrant as I've seen them in past years but they are beginning to change. We've been in a drought so the Autumn colors seem to be a bit quiet this year. Still, I smiled at the trees and even stopped to tell a couple how beautiful they were. I like to run my hand along the bark gently in greeting.

Trees are comforting to me. They are strong yet flexible. They know how to sway with the wind. Their leaves whisper gentle sounds of comfort.

In the park where I walked there is a pond. Sadly, a much smaller pond because of the drought but, still, a pond. After walking the loop trail around the park I headed to the bench next to the pond to watch the sunlight dance on the water.

When I sat down on the bench I noticed that my feet didn't touch the ground. Sort of like what it might feel like to kids when they sit on a big bench. I smiled at the realization then as I sat there I began to relax into that feeling of being a little kid. A kid who needed comforting. A kid who can't explain why it hurts but knows that it just does. A kid who's lost her family or is just too far away from them.

As these thoughts filled my head I felt the burning in my chest. The tears began to form in the corner of my eyes. They fought me to get out, to find freedom on my cheeks. Finally I stopped fighting them for a bit. The release felt good but I stopped them again. My only thought being, "What if someone walks by or comes to sit on the bench, too?" I was alone. There wasn't anyone that was going to want to share the bench with me but I didn't want to be surprised. So, I got up and walked along the bank of the pond. On the other side of me was thick brush so I knew for sure no one would happen upon me there.

As soon as I got far enough away and tucked back into a little alcove of bushes, my body let go. Why I felt the need to hide, I'm not clear, but I allowed myself to just to let it out. Out it came, too. In full force. My heart felt like it was going to burn through my chest as I silently sobbed and cried.

I love my family dearly and want nothing more than to help all of them in any way I can. My West Coast family is struggling and I'm feeling quite helpless all the way out here. My heart aches to be with them.

The transient feeling I've had over the last few years has helped me find myself and my priorities. It's been a good tool but I'm beginning to feel like I need to grow roots again. Ideas of a house, eventually a partner, a long term job, holidays spent surrounded by family and so much love are all floating around in my head quite a bit these days. I want to settle down again. I want to build those roots so I can stand even taller.

The tears I cried that day were for my family, for the distance, for their struggles and for the time it may take me to get home.

Home.

Just knowing I have a sense of that word now brings happy tears to my eyes.

Self Compassion & Understanding

Returning from the Farmer's Market with a carrot top tail.

This morning I woke up with a sense of sadness. I awoke to clouds and rain and cool air and the sound tires make in the rain as the cars pass by beneath my window. I slept in this morning after staying up late. I've been tired, yes, but this tired today felt different. It felt a little like escape.

My weekend mornings are usually spent leisurely drinking at least two cups of coffee while I read or journal in bed. This morning as I sipped my first cup I felt it. The sadness. The loneliness. It scared me so I finished my first cup, took a shower and walked down to the farmer's market. I felt this pull to run from it but at the same time I knew that taking it for a walk would do it some good and it did. When I returned I continued to find ways to get away from it, though. Escape, I recognize, is an old pattern for me.

I cleaned while listening to a pod cast. It was a Moth Slam that airs on NPR and sometimes those stories stir up emotions and sometimes they inspire me to write or look at things differently. Sometimes they just plain make me cry. I'm not even sure what the story was about at this point but I remember feeling the tears start to well up and the surge of emotions in my chest. I had to stop the vacuum, sit down on the steps and let myself cry for a moment. I let myself feel what I had been running from all morning. I stopped trying to escape and just sat there with it all. In my mind, I wrapped my arms around the emotions and myself. When I did that I realized that it wasn't just sadness that I was feeling. It was such a mix of happiness and sadness and homesickness and gratitude and all the feelings.

I sat there on the steps with tears rolling down my cheeks counting all of the blessings in my life.

1. I have a group of the most amazing people in my life, both family and friends.
2. I have an abundance of love, the size of which I've never before felt.
3. I have a real sense of belonging and home that I've never before felt.
4. I live in a world where there is beauty that stops me in my tracks and brings tears to my eyes.
5. I am healthy and getting stronger every day.
6. I am so much more connected to my body, my soul and my mind than I've ever been before.

The self growth I've done over these past few years has brought so much peace, confidence and friendship with myself. I am amazed at the amount of growth that I've experienced, in awe and am so incredibly proud of myself.

It really is true that happiness begins within yourself. I have become my own best friend, my own companion and my own confidant and there is absolutely nothing sad about that. It's reason to celebrate. The level of trust I have in myself to be completely open and authentic and real with those around me has skyrocketed.

Never before have I ever known myself so well, been so in touch with and connected to my soul and what it wants and needs.

Never before has my heart felt so completely open to life and love and happiness. This...THIS is what it feels like to live, to be fully present with myself and the world around and inside of me. This is what it feels like to be able to sit with the good and the hard feelings and emotions and to come out on the other side of them a better me. A more compassionate, understanding and loving me.

This life is amazing and full of adventure. My heart is so full of gratitude and love.

Ye Olde Barber Shoppe

I've been living here in Ipswich, MA for the last year and a half and have been walking by the barber shop that's on the same street that I live on for just about as long. Every time I've passed it I've thought to myself, "I should stop in and see if they'd be willing to give me my usual cut." The next few thoughts after that would usually be of fear and I would talk myself out of even just stopping in to ask. After all, barber shops are a part of the "good ol' boys network", right?

Well, today I finally gathered up the nerve to stop in and ask. I've been using my own clippers at home and doing the basic 1" all around cut ever since I moved here and got rid of my car. It works out fine but every now and then I just need that boost that a butch gets with a freshly buzzed fade. Always start with a #1 blade.

Stepping into the shop was like stepping back in time. Old posters and signs lined the walls and the furnishings in the waiting area were old wooden chairs. The barber chairs were the old fashioned kind, too. When I walked in there was a customer in the chair already and a woman barber so I took a seat in one of the old wooden chairs. Fox News was on the television in the corner and when I tuned into the conversation, I realized how conservative it was. But, I didn't feel like it was so conservative that I needed to leave. Thankfully.

When the other customer left I asked the barber if she would be up for giving me a men's fade cut starting with a #1 and, thankfully, she didn't even bat an eye. We chatted a bit about the town after introducing ourselves to each other and in the end, I came out with one of the best fades I've had in a while. I think I'll go back again at least once before I move home.

Not bad for 46, eh?

Thoughts About My Life As A US Marine

Day 18 of the 22 push-ups in 22 days challenge. Raising awareness for veterans suffering from PTSD. There are 22 suicides a day amongst our nation's veterans. #22kill #22pushupchallenge #22pushupsfor22days #veterans #ptsd #mentalhealth #butch #queersofinstagram 22kill.com

A video posted by Wendi Kali (@wendi.kali) on Aug 26, 2016 at 3:23pm PDT

I've been participating in a challenge that's been going around on Instagram and other social media and it's got me thinking about my own time spent in the USMC. The challenge is to do 22 push ups for 22 days to raise awareness for veteran's suffering from PTSD. Among our nation's veterans there are, on average, 22 suicides a day. Mental injuries are real.

Thankfully, I was spared being deployed during war time. I was called back for Desert Storm but spent my time "re-training" in North Carolina. By the time I was done the conflict was over. It wasn't easy being pulled away from my son, who was only 9 months old at the time, but I am grateful that I never made it into a combat area. I can't imagine how my 21 year old self would have handled a situation like that.

I enlisted in the Marine Corps because I was looking for a place in the world where I felt a sense of belonging. The idea of the camaraderie that comes with being in the military was very attractive to me at the time. Also, my family has a history of it's men being Marine's and I was most likely looking for approval and acceptance from them, as well.

Not fully knowing what I was getting into, I signed up for the 6 year plan. The advantages this gave me was the option to actually choose my MOS (my job) and I was guaranteed to graduate basic training as an E-2. I choose to be a basic diesel mechanic and after doing so well in basic training, I began my military career in the fleet as an E-3, a Lance Corporal. As a matter of fact, I graduated basic training as the #1 graduate out of about 100 women, or two platoons. That is the one thing I am most proud of in this experience.

I was one of those weird people who actually enjoyed boot camp. Well, after the anxiety and nerves cleared away, of course, which took a little bit. Getting used to being screamed at almost constantly is a bit of a challenge but at some point I finally saw the big picture and just started rolling with it. I am an observer and this was the trait that helped me the most because I would watch others make mistakes and I learned quickly from them.

That camaraderie I was looking for happened for me in boot camp. We were a team. All 50 of us worked together, helped each other, motivated each other and looked after each other. It was one of the most challenging and awesome experiences I've ever had in my life and I don't regret one single moment of it.

Sadly for me, the camaraderie ended when boot camp ended. When I got out into the fleet it was every Marine for her/himself. I attended basic mechanics school in North Carolina. It was myself and about 49 other guys. I worked hard, understood it all fairly easily and graduated #3 in that class. From there, I was stationed at Camp Pendleton in Oceanside, California.

I was sent to the First Maintenance Battalion and looked forward to getting my hands dirty and driving some Humvees. Those things are beasts. I loved learning to drive them through the muck, the mud and the water. Yes, the water. There was about 6 inches of water on the floor board of the one I drove at one point and it didn't even hiccup. Beasts. I loved these machines and couldn't wait to work on them.

Unfortunately, I would never get that chance. As soon as I arrived at the offices of the First Maintenance Battalion to check in, I was directed to a desk with a phone and a computer. Thinking it was just a matter of time before I got to the motor pool, I did what I was told. Several months later, which included several weeks of KP duty (kitchen prep/cleaning at the chow hall) I asked my CO for a meeting. In that meeting I told him about my desire to actually be in the motor pool working on the trucks, in my MOS. I explained how well I did in training and that I was ready.

What he said to me has stuck in my mind all these years. It was the first big disappointment with the military and I was clearly shown where my place was in it. His response to me was, "You don't want to work in the motor pool with all of those guys." I told him that with all due respect if I didn't I wouldn't have trained for it. It went in one ear and out the other.

My idea of the military was shattered. I gave up inside and just did what I needed to do. I ended up choosing to be honorably discharged when I became pregnant with my son. At that point, the thought of leaving him to do a year long tour overseas was just too unbearable and that's exactly what I was facing.

The month spent apart from him when he was 9 months old was heart wrenching. I remember calling home and talking to my then husband (nope, I'm not a gold star), listening to him tell me about my son waiting for me at the front window, clutching my robe. The tears poured down my cheeks. I hated every moment of it. But, I did it.

I'm thankful I had this experience in life. It taught me a lot of things not only about life but about myself. I'm also thankful I didn't have to endure any combat or dangerous situations. I have family members that have. My Grandfather served in World War II and Korea. He was a Marine paratrooper. My other Grandfather was a cook in the Marines. My uncle served 3 tours in Vietnam. I can't even begin to, nor would I want to even try to, understand what it was like for them. Growing up, I watched them try to deal with the aftermath. I heard stories of attempted suicide. One of them involved my toddler self walking in on one of them holding a gun to themselves. Thankfully, I have no recollection of it.

Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a real thing. Mental injuries are real and our veterans suffer from them day in and day out. Not only are our veterans suffering from it, their families and communities are suffering. It's only been recently that the US Government has finally begun to accept this fact. I wish they could have done it sooner before so many lives were lost.

Please, go check out the challenge and the program that started it all go to 22kill.com. Join in on the challenge, as well.

Semper Fi.

Discovering More About Myself Around Relationships

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. All of them, really, but mostly the romantic kind. I've been single since somewhere around August of 2014 and I've been so by choice after taking a good hard look at my pattern of serial monogamy so far in my adult life. Well, really since coming out as gay. My straight life didn't work because I wasn't straight. Go figure. But since coming out as gay and since my first girlfriend, I've been in a pattern of serial monogamy. One relationship after another with little time in between to recover or learn any sort of big lessons about myself. So this period of being single has been an incredible growth period for me all around.

I've learned so much about myself and who I am now as a person. I feel more solid and confident in myself than I ever have before. I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made in the past and feel like I've learned some really hard lessons from those mistakes. I am much more aware of myself, my thoughts and actions and so much more focused on being real and open with myself and those around me. Real, vulnerable and authentic.

I've also come to accept and embrace the introverted, autonomous part of myself and have finally come to realize that I'm not broken. I'm also at times an extrovert and have embraced that aspect of myself. Really, I'd like to discard the terms “introvert” and “extrovert” altogether because they are so very binary and black and white. I prefer the term a good friend of mine used just a few days ago during one of our conversations around this subject: ambivert. I am an ambivert. Depending on the day or the situation I move along the spectrum of introvert and extrovert. I'm very rarely all the way on one end or the other. Sometimes I recharge around people. Sometimes I recharge in solitude. Ambivert. I love it. I'm claiming it.

A lot of my life has been spent as an observer. I've always been curious about people in the world and how they relate to others. I've watched countless friends and family members move in and out of romantic relationships, as well as myself, of course. For me, each one brought its own lessons, its own gifts. I've learned along the way that I loved too intensely, I wasn't butch enough, I was the love of someone's life but something else was more important, I got lost in my partners (and their lives) and I wasn't real or honest enough with myself or my partners. All very true and valid lessons that I will always carry with me. Plus, the one common denominator in all of those relationships was me. Not that they all failed only because of me (some did yes, but not all) but I was the common denominator through all of them.

I've finally come to realize that, for me, monogamy feels like a whole lot of pressure. It feels heavy and it also feels completely unrealistic to me. We couple up with these expectations of marriage and a house and kids and the white picket fence or something else that society has built for us and pressure ourselves to constantly run after those goals, if you want to call them that. Not everyone wants those things, of course. But, we also seem to want to fit each other into these roles where we pretend like we're not attracted to anyone else on the planet but our partner. Or, we feel that we can't have a close, intimate bond with anyone but our partner because we're part of a couple. Or, we profess our undying love one moment and the next we've fallen out of love. I've seen it happen over and over and over and over again. Not only with the people I know and love but with me. Why have I tried so hard to make something that seems so unrealistic to me work? (I say “we” in a lot of this paragraph. That “we” meaning the people who this sort of stuff doesn't work for. It isn't a generalization about all humans.)

I am a human being who is constantly growing and changing. I was in that space where I wanted to find “the one” that I could marry and grow old with. Someone to be my everything and who wanted me to be their everything. But, now I find myself in this space where that feels completely illogical, unrealistic, unauthentic and, frankly, terrifying.

I've spent time these past couple of years either trying to figure out how I wanted a relationship to look or how to just completely stay out of them. When I thought about how I wanted it to look, what I wanted didn't seem like a possibility within a typical monogamous relationship. I don't want to be someone's everything. I want to be their something and I want to be special to them but not their everything. That absolutely terrifies me and feels like a ton of weight that I just am not interested in carrying. Also, I want to keep a sense of autonomy within a relationship. As in having our own bedrooms if we live together or I would also be perfectly happy not living together. I still want my tiny home, piece of property and dogs. Whether in a relationship or not they are what make me happy and they are important to me.

Even just in explaining those basic things one can see that I don't want a traditional monogamous relationship.

Up until just a few months ago I believed that I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of polyamorous relationships. They clashed with my idea of what love was. How could you 1) love more than one person at a time (in the sense that I knew love, aka “I give you my whole heart”) and 2) share those people with other people without feeling like they were taking something away from their relationship with you? But, as I've explored and read and chatted with friends who are experiencing or have experienced polyamory, I've learned that there are different ways of being poly. I also know that there isn't a set amount of love that we can share and feel. When done with respect, understanding, compassion, honesty and openness polyamory can be an amazingly loving experience where love grows.

I've also learned that there are others like me in the world who want to keep their autonomy within their relationships and don't want to be one person's everything and guess what? They have successful relationships. They're also very real about relationships being a temporary thing. Something we come together to experience, to make a connection, to learn and grow with and sometimes they end and it's not a bad or terrible thing. It just is. They recognize their own humanness and embrace and accept it. Some more fully than others, but still. They go into a relationship without the goal of coupling up, shacking up and struggling to live “happily every after”.

Of course, there are plenty of people in the world for whom monogamy works and lasts. I'm not saying that isn't true. What I am saying is that it's not true for me. Have I “given up” on the fairy tale? No. I just have a much more authentic to me realistic tale.

What's most exciting to me about this realization is that I went from feeling like I was completely shut down and walled off from love and romance to feeling completely open to the possibility of it happening again in my life. Of course, whether or not a relationship does happen again for me remains to be seen, but it feels so good to be open to it. My heart is open, I am confident in myself and who I am, and I am open to more growth and learning. It feels incredibly freeing and really fucking fantastic.

Also, if it doesn't happen, I'll still be happy with me. I have an amazing family and a couple of close friends who fill my life with so much love.

(Repost) This Path That I'm On

I originally wrote and posted this on May 18, 2015 over on the other blog I started last year. (Original post can be read here.) It was good for me to re-read this morning so I wanted to share it here.

“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”
― Emery Allen

 

I found this quote today while reading through some things online. It perfectly sums up the way I’ve been living my life for the past year or so. Prior to that I lived most of my life romanticizing it like I couldn’t survive without it; waiting for that one person to fill me up with love and acceptance. I spent so much time being sad over people who didn’t love me and waiting for someone else to complete me, to tell me I was enough. It was as if my life was incomplete and on hold until that person showed up.

Somewhere along the line over the past year, I turned and faced myself in the clearest of mirrors one could ever find; the relationships in my life, both with those who are in my life currently or had been in my life but are no longer. That’s when everything started to change for me. That’s when I finally came around to that ever important lesson that I am the one I was waiting for all this time. I am the only one who can complete me and the only one who can tell me I am enough.

After embracing this lesson fully, I felt like I finally started to live in this life and “walk the talk”, so to speak by being present in each moment with myself, the world around me and with the people around me; by being completely open and honest with my friends and family; by enjoying each day by taking moments to just breath and be – no phone, no iPad, no computer, no camera, no journal – just me, my breath and my surroundings. I finally began to get to know and accept myself. I’ve discovered that I am already compete and I am enough. My heart and my intentions are good. Every day I live to better myself and to love and support my family and friends.

While researching a bit online about just who Emery Allen is, I came across this next quote of hers.

“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.”
― Emery Allen

“….and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.” I couldn’t agree with her more. There was a time in my life where I wanted everything to become something beautiful and long-lasting. But the reality of it is, life just doesn’t work that way and that’s a good thing. When I think back on all of the lessons I have been gifted by those who are and those who have been in my life, my heart fills with such gratitude. In all honestly, I think about every single one of them every day and with each thought I send them love and gratitude. I also wish them love and happiness in their continued journey in this life.

In Buddhist terms I practice the art of Tonglen in those moments. As Pema Chodron instructs:

“So in the in-breath you breathe in with the wish to take away the suffering, and breathe out with the wish to send comfort and happiness to the same people, animals, nations, or whatever it is you decide.”

These lessons and this practice has done wonders for my thought patterns, my well being and the way I relate to the world and the people in it. There truly are no words to fully express my gratitude to those who have lead me down this path. My life is forever changed by all of you.

Sending you love, comfort and happiness.

Working Out. Again.

One of the things about living in a small town without a car (read about why I am car free here) is that it limits the things to do in the evenings after work. Since moving here last April and my car acting up shortly after that, I noticed that I started gaining some weight and just all around not feeling all that good about myself. Moving three thousand miles away from everyone and everything you've known for the past 13 years is a challenge, to say the least. There's a lot of adjustments to make, a lot of loneliness to sit through and a lot of homesickness to experience. So, I didn't do much physically other than walk to and from work and I didn't eat very well.

This past April I decided I should get another physical. Thankfully, I am generally healthy. I have the normal aches and pains for a 46 year old who's played a lot of sports in her life. The knee I injured playing women's full tackle football still makes a grinding noise when I bend it but I'm told it's in fairly decent shape. (I still don't fully trust that diagnoses, but I'm going with it for now.)

Surprisingly, I hadn't put on as many pounds as I thought, according to the doctor's scale. But, I really wasn't feeling very good in my body and my mind. At the time of the physical I had been debating with myself about spending the money to join the local YMCA and that debate rang louder in my ear that day as I walked past the YMCA to get to my physician's office.

On my way back from the appointment I decided to stop and check out the facilities. I really wanted to see the pool. The idea of swimming again felt really good every time I thought about it. Just seeing the pool again pretty much ended the debate that had been going on in my head. Enough was enough. It was time to spend the money on myself. My health and well being deserved it. I haven't regretted it. I feel a million times better today than I did all those months ago.

I started off swimming three times a week. Nothing major. Just 600 yards for the first couple weeks then worked my way up to 800. Mostly free style (or crawl stroke as they like to call it sometimes) mixed in with breast stroke and back stroke on occasion. It felt amazing to be back in the water. Not all that amazing to be back in a swim suit that was a wee bit tight in some areas, but I powered through knowing I was on the right track.

After returning from my two week West coast vacation this past June, I decided to put the swimming aside for a bit and hit the gym. It had been a while since I'd been in that space. Over the course of the last 7 weeks or so, I've vastly improved my strength and cardio. My visits have been pretty constant. About every other day. Sometimes I'll skip two days but it's usually because I'm taking myself on an adventure somewhere and on those days I end up walking quite a bit anyway.

The only thing I've changed about my eating is I've tried to eliminate as many processed foods as possible. Being a pescatarian, I do still eat tofu and tempeh but for the most part I'm all about the fruits and veggies. I only on occasion eat fish or seafood.

This week I decided to add pea protein drinks to the mix to get a bit more protein onboard. Specially on gym days. I chose pea protein because it's easily digestible. Mistakenly, I bought a jar of the unflavored kind, but it's ok as far as taste goes. I tend to chug those drinks anyway because of the grittiness of them.  So, we'll see how it goes.

My goal with all of this is to just continue to feel better. I have an idea of what I'd like my body to eventually look like, but I also want to keep things very simple. I don't want to diet. Dieting just feels yucky and it's not a long term solution. I want a long term solution. Something that helps with my physical well being as well as my mental well being. So far, this path is working pretty well. I'm happy. I feel healthy. I feel strong. I feel more connected with my body and that, in itself, is pretty amazing.

I haven't been able to fit into these jeans since before the end of last year. Last week I put them on and not only do they fit, I have room! Feels pretty good.

Hey There! It's Been A While!

Wow. It's so crazy for me to click over to this blog and still see so many hits on it even after not writing for over a year. Whomever you are out there who continues to read this blog and check out my photo project, thank you.

Of course, I guess it could just be bots, but shit. It's still nice to see all of those hits on my stats page. Maybe I really did put something out there into the ether that matters.

Cool.

Anyway, so, no promises but I'm thinking about coming back to this space and adding more to it. I like the other blog I created but it feels like it only really serves one purpose and that's to record some of my experiences over here on the East Coast. This blog feels more....I don't know....authentic, life like, real. That's the stuff I'm trying to come back to in my writing. I've been so far removed from it for so long now and feel like I'm, maybe not quite there yet, but, moving in that direction. Which feels good.

I'm still on the East Coast, until May 2017, then I'll move back to Portland. I'm homesick, missing my family and friends and need to make more trips down to help my parents out in Southern California. So, that's the plan.

Still single and learning more and more about myself every day. It's been an incredible two years filled with so much internal growth. I look forward to more. I'm also learning that my idea of relationships (the romantic kind) is changing and hope to write more about that soon. 

I dropped out of Facebook land a couple months ago by deleting my account. Most of my social media accounts were also deleted aside from my Instagram and Flickr. Oh, and I have Google+ by way of GMail but don't use it all that often. The reason for dropping out of the social media world was more of a mental health thing than anything else. I needed my world to quiet down.

The "hoopla" over the project died down after about a year. I still, on occasion, am asked to be quoted in online articles about the butch/femme dynamic, which is nice. The book is still available over on Amazon, which is also nice. I'm grateful I was able to do the project. It took so much out of me, though, that I haven't really picked up my camera since. Today I'm taking it in to Boston to play so I'm finally coming back around to it.

So, I know some of you who followed this blog in the past are from my past and may not want to continue to follow it, so here's the heads up. I love you and wish you all only the biggest of joy, love and happiness. Also, I miss you.

So, hey, I've gotten back into eating healthy and working out at the gym again at least 3 days a week, most weeks more. My Instagram has a few gym photos, although, I haven't quite gotten to the point where I can join in on #flexfriday, but I'm working on it. I do feel much better and a wee bit smaller around the waist so that's nice. My knees are much happier, too.

Hope you've all been well and happy. We'll see where this goes.

Happy Saturday!

A Re-Cap Of The Butch/Femme Photo Project

I've been thinking about following up all of the awesomeness of the book being out in the world now with a blog post telling the story of how the project came to be but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I've already done all of that writing here on this blog. So, instead, here's a re-cap of all of those posts starting with the "official" announcement on July 19, 2012.

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Butch/Femme Photo Project Announcment, July 19, 2012

Over the course of the last few months I've been reading two books that have made quite the impact on me by teaching me a lot about the history of butches and femmes. The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader edited by Joan Nestle and Persistence: All Ways Butch And Femme edited by Ivan E. Coyote and Zena Sharman. Both are anthologies and contain an abundance of incredible writers. I highly recommend getting your hands (and eyes) on these books.
One of the things I've learned from reading these books is that butches and femmes have always been here. We're always going to be here. No matter how much our community fights amongst itself about our presence, we are always going to be here. We are a part of it's history, we are a part of it's present and we are a part of it's future.
There is no one way to be butch or femme. Each one of us is our own unique and individual expression of the identity. Those expressions are what I would like to capture and document for future generations.

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Friday, August 10, 2012 was the day of my very first photo project shoot. 

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August 15, 2012 Update

The Butch/Femme Photo Project has been very well received by the community all over the US and even a few up in Canada! I've received some beautiful and heartbreaking answers to the questions I sent out to all who wish to participate. I am deeply touched by their willingness to share so openly and so freely. Their stories are so important and they should be heard and remembered.

So far I've had two photo shoots with project participants! I have four more scheduled this weekend, too! Meeting participants and photographing them has been incredibly inspiring and motivating. This project includes some pretty incredible and amazing people. I'm really very excited to see how it progresses. I'm considering creating a blog for it but haven't quite decided on that piece just yet. Once I get more images together and edited I hope to figure that out.

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Butch/Femme Photo Project Gets A Facebook Page, September 27, 2012

I just wanted to let everyone know that my Butch/Femme Photo Project now has it's own Facebook page! It's another way for me to get the word out about the project so please check it out, "Like" it and share it far and wide! 
https://www.facebook.com/ButchFemmePhotoProject
I have three photo shoots lined up this weekend for the project so an update to the page will happen soon! Thank you all for participating, supporting and encouraging me to keep going with this project! 

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Butch/Femme Photo Project In It's First Gallery Show! October 30, 2012

I am so happy to announce that the first eleven photographs in the Butch/Femme Photo Project will be featured in TransConnect Resource and Cultural Fair gallery show titled "Femme, Butch, Queer & Trans Intersection" at the Portland Q Center next month! They will be hanging at the Center for the entire month of November and ten of the eleven pieces will be a part of a silent auction to raise funds for the Q Center and the Order of Benevolent Bliss’ working and grants funds!

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Kickstarter For The Butch/Femme Photo Project! January 16, 2013

I've put it together, submitted it for approval with the Kickstarter folks and now it's live! Check it out!


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Getting the buzz going on the fundraising. January 21, 2013

I knew from the start that running a Kickstarter campaign was going to be hard work. Constantly contacting as many people as you possibly can is not as easy as it sounds. There was a time when social networking sites made it easy but now, not so much. Not only do I post the link in a bunch of places daily but I've also begun privately messaging and emailing people who may or may not be seeing my daily posts. This project really is a passion of mine so I really want to do as much as I possibly can to see it through.
Five days into it and I'm mentally exhausted. My brain won't stop trying to figure out something new to try to drum up more backers. It also won't stop worrying about what might happen if it doesn't fund. Where would I go from there? Do I have a plan B? 

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Press for the Kickstarter campaign! February 11, 2013

The Advocate wrote an article about the Butch/Femme Photo Project!
 
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The final hours of the Kickstarter campaign! February 13, 2013

There's only 41 hours to go on the Kickstarter campaign and thanks to a very generous donation of $1,800 within the last hour, it's now past the 60% mark!

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Holy crap, it funded! February 16, 2013

When I awoke yesterday and checked my email on my phone I found that there were a few new backers to the Kickstarter project and that there was still quite a ways to go. I felt sad for a moment but then reminded myself that, hey, it raised over $6,000. That's nothing to sneeze at. Plus, it's gotten a lot of media attention. There's always a plan B and both of those things will help with plan B. Still, I wasn't going to give up on the Kickstarter itself until the clock had ticked down, ending the campaign. It still had 6 hours to go and anything could happen in the span of those hours. (Read more...)

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On Saturday, March 9, 2013 I spent the day driving up to and around Seattle doing photoshoots for the project.

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Planning, planning and travel planning. March 18, 2013

Yesterday, I finally sat down and made my itinerary to travel to the Rockies, the Midwest and the Northern East coast for the project. This morning, I feel a million times lighter. Not that I don't have more planning to do, fundraising as well, but at least this part of it is done. It's been weighing heavily on my mind. I also made plans to travel to Texas and Louisiana. I still need to make plans to travel to North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Virginia, South Carolina, Florida, Southern California, Arizona and New Mexico. (Read more...)

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Working on letting go of the negativity in the comments of the press articles. March 21, 2013

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

 

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Travel plans in detail for first trip. April 20, 2013

To say making travel plans and coordinating with multiple people is difficult would be quite the understatement. This is something I have learned quite quickly. But, I'm learning how to move through it and solidify plans so I have my first crazy travel adventure lined up. It happens the first week in May and it goes a little something like this: (deep breath) (Read more...)

 

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Trip to Vancouver, BC. April 28, 2013

It was the first time I'd ever used my passport, which was exciting and nerve wracking to me. The border crossing officer asked me what my purpose was for visiting Canada. (Read more...)

 

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8 jets, 2 countries, 8 states, 13 cities and 22 photo shots in 9 days! May 4, 2013

Waiting for my first flight for the 13 cities, 22 photo shoots in 9 days tour! Getting through security at the Portland airport was a breeze and everyone is so happy and friendly. That was a nice start to my trip! Plus, it calmed the nerves a bit. Not totally, but a bit. I'm what you might call a nervous traveler. But, by the time I get to the end of the week, I'll be an old pro at this. (Read more...)

 

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Shoots in Denver, Colorado. May 6, 2013

Denver was amazing! My first shoot happened at the world famous Red Rocks! It was my first time there and I have to say, it truly was awesome and beautiful. 

Two shoots followed that one, one at a participant's house and the other at a participant's cabin, complete with horses! 

To end my day, I had dinner with friends I haven't seen in 12 years! Thank you for a wonderful day, Denver. 

This morning I'm off to Madison, WI then will be driving to Waukesha and Chicago. Needless to say, I can feel my energy struggling to stay up. I'm hoping to catch a nap on my next two flights. 

 

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Waukesha, Roscoe, Ferndale, Toronto, Herkimer, Niagara Falls and Long Island May 10, 2013

This trip has been incredibly awesome. As exhausted as I am, looking through the photos of all of the amazing butches and femmes makes every ounce of that exhaustion worth it. I can't express enough gratitude to those who helped make this happen. (Read more...)

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New Jersey and Massachusetts May 15, 2013

The last weekend of my week long travel for the project was spent traveling from New York to New Jersey and up into Massachusetts. On my way to New Jersey I was able to catch a glimpse of NYC and of Lady Liberty, which was pretty awesome, even though very brief. Extra time to "see the sights" was not built in to my itinerary so any glimpse of the sights was bonus for me on this trip. (Read more...)

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Texas June 25, 2013

This weekend I traveled to Texas to photograph participants in Dallas, Plano, Spring, Houston, and Wichita Falls. A couple days before I left for Texas I had two photo shoots on the schedule for the weekend. Shortly after posting my travel plans on the project's Facebook page I scheduled five more, which was incredible. Texas brought it! (Read more...)

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California, Arizona And New Mexico September 8, 2013

I spent the last week in August in Southern California. I also drove out to Phoenix and Santa Fe. It was a trip filled with not only project shoots but family time and a wee bit of friend time. (Read more...)

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On Sunday, September 22, 2013 I drove up to Olympia, Washington for a few project shoots.

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I spent the first weekend in December 2013 in Florida traveling around a few parts of the state for project shoots. 

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In April of this year I traveled to Boston for a shoot and to New York City a couple of times. On one of my visits to New York City I got to do a project photo shoot on a rooftop in Manhattan. It was amazing and I felt fantastic. (Read about it here...)

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In August of this year I started talking to Blue Skirt Productions about publishing the project as a book and on October 29th, I signed a publishing contract with them! (Read more here...)

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Pre-orders for the book! December 2, 2014

I feel like these past few weeks have been a bit surreal. This book, this project that I've been pouring my heart and soul into over the past couple of years is/has become a reality. (Read more...)

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The book release party happens on December 15, 2014 and bookstores in Portland and Phoenix begin to carry the book! (Read more...) 

Book Release Party, Bookstore & Birthday

Today is my birthday. It's the best birthday ever. This week began with The Butch/Femme Photo Project book release party where somewhere around 60 people celebrated with me. It was an awesome night filled with great friends, great conversations, fantastic food and wonderful music. Each time someone came over to me and asked me to sign their book I thought to myself, “Who, me?” It was all very surreal. I've been floating on that cloud and filled with so much gratitude all week long. Here are a few photos from the evening. They were all taken by my friend, fur.

Last night I drove up to St. John's Booksellers to see the book in a bookstore for the first time. The owner was so excited to have them in that she set them front and center on a table so everyone can see them the moment they step into the shop. While I was there she asked me to sign the stock! Again, so very surreal. I stood in the store chatting with her, signing the copies that she had while she took photos of me to post on their Facebook page. Surreal.

This morning my publisher sent me the best birthday message, too. The book has, so far, sold 101 copies. I am amazed and delighted and so incredibly grateful.

What an incredible journey.

The Butch/Femme Photo Project Book! It's Almost Here!

I feel like these past few weeks have been a bit surreal. This book, this project that I've been pouring my heart and soul into over the past couple of years is/has become a reality. I signed a publishing contract this past October and the release date for the book is December 15th.

I haven't held a copy of it in my hands yet but, somehow, a friend of mine who ordered it from Amazon has already received his copy. When I saw the photos he posted of him holding the book I started crying. Tears of joy. Tears of release. Tears of "holy shit, it's happening, it's really happening".

My publisher is working out the details of the release party and I am anticipating the first copies of the book to be delivered soon so I can finally hold a copy in my hands. The photographer in me will closely look at every photograph to be sure they all turned out the way I had envisioned them. The writer in me will carefully re-read every word (for the 20th time) to be sure all of the typos have been caught. Even though I know there's no fixing things at this point.

Most of all, I will look at that book in my hands and see my dream come to life. This book is my heart. Everyone who holds a copy of it in their hands will be holding my heart. If that's not vulnerability for you, then I don't know what is.

I am incredibly grateful to everyone who participated, stood in front of my camera, took the time to meet with me and answer all of the questions I sent to them, freely gave their hard earned money, and to those who supported me with encouragement, love and support. None of this could have happened without each and every one of you. Thank you.

As I sit here this morning reading through the blog posts from last year I can't help but feel blessed and amazed. We did it. We fucking did it.

So, here are a few ways to get a copy of this book:

Get a signed copy direct from the publisher, Blue Skirt Productions, through this sale that's happening until this Friday, December 5th: http://blueskirtproductions.com/2014/11/25/blue-skirt-book-sale-now-through-december-5th/

Pre-order an unsigned copy from Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Butch-Femme-Photo-Project/dp/0990765423/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1416462622&sr=8-1&keywords=Butch+femme+photo+project

or Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-butch-femme-photo-project-wendi-kali/1120789139?ean=9780990765424

or Powell's Books right here in Portland: http://www.powells.com/biblio/61-9780990765424-1

Also, come to the release party here in Portland, Oregon on Monday, December 15th at 7:30pm at the American Legion Hall at NE 21st & NE Alberta and get a copy. I'll sign it and give you a great big hug. Plus, there will be food! Here's the Facebook Event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/399674273532075/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Transgender Warrior

Self portrait of Leslie Feinberg.

As most everyone in the community knows by now, one of our elders has moved on from this plane of existence. This past Saturday, Leslie Feinberg passed away. The Advocate published the obituary that was written by Leslie's wife, Minnie Bruce Pratt, while at Leslie's bedside. (I will use the pronouns they used in the obituary.) Please take a moment to read it if you aren't familiar with Leslie and her work.

I'm a bit taken aback by just how much this loss has affected me and am still reeling from the news. In a state of denial, almost. Rationally, I know she has been battling Lyme disease and the co-infections that came with that battle, I know she's been suffering and that this would be the inevitable end but my brain is having such a difficult time wrapping itself around the news.

I hadn't ever met her, yet, I feel as though I've lost a family member. Yesterday morning, as I watched a video of her speaking at Sonoma State University (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaRF0Ohb1mg), the tears welled up and poured down my cheeks. As I let the grief out, my rational side was having a difficult time understanding why I felt so sad by this loss. I think I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it but I know it's partly about the passing of someone who paved the way for me to live in this world. To live in this world as my authentic, butch self.

Reading her book, Stone Butch Blues, for the first time in 2010 was the beginning of a turning point for me. It was then that I began to find where I fit in this community, in this world. It was the beginning of finding me, of launching a photo project and feeling less alone in the world. That book, her words, made a huge impact on my life.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

I will always remember how her words made me feel. Valid. Brave. Strong. Seen.

Rest in peace, Transgender Warrior.

Butch/Femme Photo Project Book Is Coming!

The culmination of the last few years of my life is about to happen. Yesterday I signed a publishing contract with an indie publisher here in Portland, Oregon called Blue Skirt Productions. They are going to publish the Butch/Femme Photo Project book!

I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about this. I know that when I finally hold a copy of that book in my hands, I just might cry. I've put my heart and soul into this body of work and couldn't be more proud of the way it's turned out.

The publisher is shooting for a December 15th release date and a release party is in the works. I will post the info about all of that and let you know where you can get your copy just as soon as I have all of that information.

My sincere thanks and tremendous gratitude to all of those who have supported me through this journey. It's truly been an amazing experience.