Swimming In The Deep End

It's been six months since my last post and I am still the luckiest. I still wake up grateful every day. I still wake up feeling like I've won the lottery every day. Every single day.

I never could have imagined a love so beautiful and perfect. She is kind and loving, sweet and adventurous, smart and gorgeous. She's also real and genuine, open and honest. Her heart is stunningly beautiful and she loves me perfectly.

Never have I felt so heard and seen. To be my most vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage. I'm learning every day how to communicate my emotions. It's something that still feels very new to me. I can feel them but putting words to them in a way that helps someone understand them is challenging. Specially in the moment. But, she helps me.

I still struggle, at times, with that old feeling of not being "enough". Yesterday was one of those times. When I finally got the courage and found the words to tell her what was happening inside me, she stopped what she was doing and gave me her full attention. There was no judgement, no ridicule. Only kindness and understanding. Never have I felt like I mattered so much to someone. Never have I been so open.

In those times of complete openness and vulnerability, I feel like we're swimming in the deep end of this life. Those are the times where our hearts and our souls grow closer.

I'm not just lucky. I am blessed.

Trust

Ever since this past Presidential election I find I am having a really hard time trusting people. People in general, people in my family and people in my community. Trust is a fundamental building block that relationships stand on, so it's been an incredible challenge, to say the least.

I guess it's not all about the Presidential election when I really think about it. It has a lot to do with some of my past experiences, as well. I have no doubt. The photo project would be the beginning of the crumbling of my trust within my community. I couldn't pin that to any one thing that happened, either. It was just a general feeling that people weren't being honest with me or were taking their own things out on me, which happens. I get it. I was able to refine my diplomatic skills during that time and that's definitely something to be grateful for.

Then people treated some of the people I care about the most in horrible ways. They're still out there in the community spreading lies and darkness and getting away with it. They face no consequences to what they've done to my people either, other than karma, which I know will be a constant battle for them given the things they've done. I wish I could warn everyone about them. Narcissists, master manipulators and pathological liars are bad for your lives. Don't let them in. Not even a little.

Then the election happened and I find myself incredibly untrusting of my fellow human beings, minus the very few who are close to me. I'm suspicious of their true intentions, which no one ever seems to talk about. Maybe they themselves don't quite know them but it all leaves me questioning friendships, which is very uncomfortable and makes for a very small circle of friends. It also makes me question the intention of potential new friends in my life, which makes it difficult to expand that small circle.

Is this an age thing? The older I get the less energy I choose to give to friendships that no longer give much or any energy to me. Also, the less time I have for people who aren't honest, open and authentic. I'm tired of the games and refuse to play them any longer. Maybe that makes my circle small but I'm ok with that. I'm very protective of that small circle.

I guess my point to writing this is that this feeling of not being able to trust is affecting my blogging and being vulnerable with the world. Hence the quietness in this space. I'm not sure what to do about any of it other than just sit with it for now.

I hope you're finding peace within your life. 

I Refuse To Live In Fear

The Women's March on Washington was an amazing experience. Never before have I taken part in a protest or stand where there were so many people and the energy stayed in a place of peaceful power. The unity and solidarity was palpable. At least in my experience of it.

Writing about it, finding the words to give it justice, has been challenging. To say the least. I left with the intention of writing about it while experiencing it but, honestly, it was so overwhelming that it made it impossible for me to write about. Now as I sit here and try to put words together to explain my experience, I find that I'm still failing.

Perhaps it's partly because of the constant barrage of daily bad news. I'm finding that the overwhelm is not going away. It's just gone from one extreme to the other. I've spent today limiting my social media contact and trying to listen to music but I'm finding that I mostly just want to sit in silence. The overwhelm is already so distracting that it's difficult to find my baring.

Everything that I care about is being signed away, shut down and de-funded. Not only are they things I care about, they are things that are important to the lives of so many people in this country. Shutting down the EPA will affect every single living being on this planet. That may sound overstated to some, but it absolutely is true. What we do matters.

Never in my lifetime have I seen such division and hatred in this country. The day before the inauguration we stopped at a Peet's Coffee in downtown Washington D.C. where the barista told us that just the day before he saw members of the KKK walking down the street in their robes and hoods. How completely terrifying.

Reading the news and talking to other people about their experiences has had me living in fear. I've had people online tell me that I'm giving into the "fear mongering" which confuses the fuck out of me because aren't they reading the same news? It really is true that if it doesn't affect some people personally, they just don't care about it and they think others to be ridiculous for caring about it. I just don't understand it.

While away in DC I had a brief conversation with another woman who cuts her hair very short. I won't identify her as butch because I don't know that she identifies that way. She's been considering whether or not to continue to get her hair cut short (buzz) because she fears for the possible consequences. I told her that I was having that very same struggle. But, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I'll be damned if I will let someone run me back into the closet. I'll be damned if I will allow someone to make me live in fear.

I am a warrior. I've always been a warrior and I will always be a warrior. A peaceful warrior but one nonetheless. I will always be an example for others in my community. I lead by example. I will not live my life according to anyone else. I will always be authentically me. Short hair, boxers, men's clothes and all. I am butch. I am a masculine of center woman.

Hear me fucking roar.

Heart & Soul

This past Monday I took a walk in the woods close to the house. My heart and my thoughts have been heavy with home, family, friends and work so I was attempting to find my center. Nature always helps calm my mind and soothe my soul.

I walked up through the old North Cemetery communing with the trees. They aren't as vibrant as I've seen them in past years but they are beginning to change. We've been in a drought so the Autumn colors seem to be a bit quiet this year. Still, I smiled at the trees and even stopped to tell a couple how beautiful they were. I like to run my hand along the bark gently in greeting.

Trees are comforting to me. They are strong yet flexible. They know how to sway with the wind. Their leaves whisper gentle sounds of comfort.

In the park where I walked there is a pond. Sadly, a much smaller pond because of the drought but, still, a pond. After walking the loop trail around the park I headed to the bench next to the pond to watch the sunlight dance on the water.

When I sat down on the bench I noticed that my feet didn't touch the ground. Sort of like what it might feel like to kids when they sit on a big bench. I smiled at the realization then as I sat there I began to relax into that feeling of being a little kid. A kid who needed comforting. A kid who can't explain why it hurts but knows that it just does. A kid who's lost her family or is just too far away from them.

As these thoughts filled my head I felt the burning in my chest. The tears began to form in the corner of my eyes. They fought me to get out, to find freedom on my cheeks. Finally I stopped fighting them for a bit. The release felt good but I stopped them again. My only thought being, "What if someone walks by or comes to sit on the bench, too?" I was alone. There wasn't anyone that was going to want to share the bench with me but I didn't want to be surprised. So, I got up and walked along the bank of the pond. On the other side of me was thick brush so I knew for sure no one would happen upon me there.

As soon as I got far enough away and tucked back into a little alcove of bushes, my body let go. Why I felt the need to hide, I'm not clear, but I allowed myself to just to let it out. Out it came, too. In full force. My heart felt like it was going to burn through my chest as I silently sobbed and cried.

I love my family dearly and want nothing more than to help all of them in any way I can. My West Coast family is struggling and I'm feeling quite helpless all the way out here. My heart aches to be with them.

The transient feeling I've had over the last few years has helped me find myself and my priorities. It's been a good tool but I'm beginning to feel like I need to grow roots again. Ideas of a house, eventually a partner, a long term job, holidays spent surrounded by family and so much love are all floating around in my head quite a bit these days. I want to settle down again. I want to build those roots so I can stand even taller.

The tears I cried that day were for my family, for the distance, for their struggles and for the time it may take me to get home.

Home.

Just knowing I have a sense of that word now brings happy tears to my eyes.

Self Compassion & Understanding

Returning from the Farmer's Market with a carrot top tail.

This morning I woke up with a sense of sadness. I awoke to clouds and rain and cool air and the sound tires make in the rain as the cars pass by beneath my window. I slept in this morning after staying up late. I've been tired, yes, but this tired today felt different. It felt a little like escape.

My weekend mornings are usually spent leisurely drinking at least two cups of coffee while I read or journal in bed. This morning as I sipped my first cup I felt it. The sadness. The loneliness. It scared me so I finished my first cup, took a shower and walked down to the farmer's market. I felt this pull to run from it but at the same time I knew that taking it for a walk would do it some good and it did. When I returned I continued to find ways to get away from it, though. Escape, I recognize, is an old pattern for me.

I cleaned while listening to a pod cast. It was a Moth Slam that airs on NPR and sometimes those stories stir up emotions and sometimes they inspire me to write or look at things differently. Sometimes they just plain make me cry. I'm not even sure what the story was about at this point but I remember feeling the tears start to well up and the surge of emotions in my chest. I had to stop the vacuum, sit down on the steps and let myself cry for a moment. I let myself feel what I had been running from all morning. I stopped trying to escape and just sat there with it all. In my mind, I wrapped my arms around the emotions and myself. When I did that I realized that it wasn't just sadness that I was feeling. It was such a mix of happiness and sadness and homesickness and gratitude and all the feelings.

I sat there on the steps with tears rolling down my cheeks counting all of the blessings in my life.

1. I have a group of the most amazing people in my life, both family and friends.
2. I have an abundance of love, the size of which I've never before felt.
3. I have a real sense of belonging and home that I've never before felt.
4. I live in a world where there is beauty that stops me in my tracks and brings tears to my eyes.
5. I am healthy and getting stronger every day.
6. I am so much more connected to my body, my soul and my mind than I've ever been before.

The self growth I've done over these past few years has brought so much peace, confidence and friendship with myself. I am amazed at the amount of growth that I've experienced, in awe and am so incredibly proud of myself.

It really is true that happiness begins within yourself. I have become my own best friend, my own companion and my own confidant and there is absolutely nothing sad about that. It's reason to celebrate. The level of trust I have in myself to be completely open and authentic and real with those around me has skyrocketed.

Never before have I ever known myself so well, been so in touch with and connected to my soul and what it wants and needs.

Never before has my heart felt so completely open to life and love and happiness. This...THIS is what it feels like to live, to be fully present with myself and the world around and inside of me. This is what it feels like to be able to sit with the good and the hard feelings and emotions and to come out on the other side of them a better me. A more compassionate, understanding and loving me.

This life is amazing and full of adventure. My heart is so full of gratitude and love.