Swimming In The Deep End

It's been six months since my last post and I am still the luckiest. I still wake up grateful every day. I still wake up feeling like I've won the lottery every day. Every single day.

I never could have imagined a love so beautiful and perfect. She is kind and loving, sweet and adventurous, smart and gorgeous. She's also real and genuine, open and honest. Her heart is stunningly beautiful and she loves me perfectly.

Never have I felt so heard and seen. To be my most vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage. I'm learning every day how to communicate my emotions. It's something that still feels very new to me. I can feel them but putting words to them in a way that helps someone understand them is challenging. Specially in the moment. But, she helps me.

I still struggle, at times, with that old feeling of not being "enough". Yesterday was one of those times. When I finally got the courage and found the words to tell her what was happening inside me, she stopped what she was doing and gave me her full attention. There was no judgement, no ridicule. Only kindness and understanding. Never have I felt like I mattered so much to someone. Never have I been so open.

In those times of complete openness and vulnerability, I feel like we're swimming in the deep end of this life. Those are the times where our hearts and our souls grow closer.

I'm not just lucky. I am blessed.

The Luckiest

This morning I am so incredibly grateful.

I sit here at my at my computer where I work from this beautiful home that I share with the love of my life. Outside my window are trees. Lots and lots of trees. The week that we moved here I spotted a coyote trotting down the road. I've seen deer and chipmunks and squirrels in our front and back yard. Hawks and Jays in the skies above us. Nature surrounds us completely.

I am truly blessed. Blessed to be in this beautiful space with this beautiful love that I share with her. She is one of the most loving, kind, fun and adventurous souls that I have known in this life and she loves me. She chooses me.

My heart is so full of love and so happy that it wants to leap out of my chest and smile and dance through the world.

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Every day.

I am the luckiest.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love

I didn’t think it would happen again for me but it did. She was visiting me in Massachusetts when I realized that my crush had turned to something much deeper.

We’ve been friends for close to 9 years now. When we met that night in September 2008 next to the fire pit at a friend’s house I was drawn to her beauty and warm energy. She sat next to my Chocolate Lab and pet her while we talked.

Over the years our friendship developed. I was always excited to see her when we found each other at mutual friend’s parties or get togethers. Eventually we began meeting for dinners or happy hour. Our conversations were always open and honest, interesting and engaging. I looked forward to them very much.

Our friendship felt different to me. Deeper than any of the others in my life. We were always so open with each other. Trusting. I’ve always felt this intense protectiveness over her that I’ve never really been able to explain. It’s just always been there. She’s become my closest friend.

I had kept my crush a secret. Our timing was never quite right. When I felt that crush turn into something deeper I continued to keep it to myself. Again, timing. I was just happy to have her in my life. Keeping her in it was most important to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. I knew that what I felt for her was complete and unconditional and that I would support her in finding her happiness. That’s all that mattered to me. Her happiness.

It’s still and always will be all that matters to me.

I didn’t think love would happen for me again because after working on myself for the past few years, intentionally staying single and getting to know me I discovered that the way of being in relationship for me is different from the conventional way that society has created. Monogamy felt unrealistic. The expectations that come with a conventional romantic relationship felt heavy and unnecessary. I wasn’t able to see myself in that space any longer and I knew that it would take an extraordinary person, one who would take the time to develop a friendship and trust over years, to be in relationship with me. I had set the bar high because I knew I was okay with just being with myself. I discovered the things that made me happy and I was content with just me.

When I felt my love deepen for her, when I realized the unconditional-ness of it, I also realized that the extraordinary person I was open to was already in my life. Someone that I trust completely. Someone who also sees outside of the conventional relationship box. Someone who sees and loves all of me and who I see and love all of. Completely and unconditionally in the true definition of those words.  

Lucky for me, those deep feelings of love are not unrequited. We are in love and my heart couldn’t be happier. I’m not sure how much I believe in soul mates but I know that she is one. I also know that I will always only want for her happiness whether that includes me or not. She is not meant to be caged and our love is not meant for a conventional box. It’s free and unbinding. Our only promise is to always be open and honest with each other.

I am blessed with a love that is beyond anything I’ve ever felt or experienced. A love that stands solidly on trust and friendship. To say that I am grateful just doesn’t feel enough.

In the short time that I’ve been home here in Portland we’ve had so many adventures and shared so many beautiful moments. I look forward to more of them.

Life is beautiful. 

I Refuse To Live In Fear

The Women's March on Washington was an amazing experience. Never before have I taken part in a protest or stand where there were so many people and the energy stayed in a place of peaceful power. The unity and solidarity was palpable. At least in my experience of it.

Writing about it, finding the words to give it justice, has been challenging. To say the least. I left with the intention of writing about it while experiencing it but, honestly, it was so overwhelming that it made it impossible for me to write about. Now as I sit here and try to put words together to explain my experience, I find that I'm still failing.

Perhaps it's partly because of the constant barrage of daily bad news. I'm finding that the overwhelm is not going away. It's just gone from one extreme to the other. I've spent today limiting my social media contact and trying to listen to music but I'm finding that I mostly just want to sit in silence. The overwhelm is already so distracting that it's difficult to find my baring.

Everything that I care about is being signed away, shut down and de-funded. Not only are they things I care about, they are things that are important to the lives of so many people in this country. Shutting down the EPA will affect every single living being on this planet. That may sound overstated to some, but it absolutely is true. What we do matters.

Never in my lifetime have I seen such division and hatred in this country. The day before the inauguration we stopped at a Peet's Coffee in downtown Washington D.C. where the barista told us that just the day before he saw members of the KKK walking down the street in their robes and hoods. How completely terrifying.

Reading the news and talking to other people about their experiences has had me living in fear. I've had people online tell me that I'm giving into the "fear mongering" which confuses the fuck out of me because aren't they reading the same news? It really is true that if it doesn't affect some people personally, they just don't care about it and they think others to be ridiculous for caring about it. I just don't understand it.

While away in DC I had a brief conversation with another woman who cuts her hair very short. I won't identify her as butch because I don't know that she identifies that way. She's been considering whether or not to continue to get her hair cut short (buzz) because she fears for the possible consequences. I told her that I was having that very same struggle. But, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I'll be damned if I will let someone run me back into the closet. I'll be damned if I will allow someone to make me live in fear.

I am a warrior. I've always been a warrior and I will always be a warrior. A peaceful warrior but one nonetheless. I will always be an example for others in my community. I lead by example. I will not live my life according to anyone else. I will always be authentically me. Short hair, boxers, men's clothes and all. I am butch. I am a masculine of center woman.

Hear me fucking roar.

Heart & Soul

This past Monday I took a walk in the woods close to the house. My heart and my thoughts have been heavy with home, family, friends and work so I was attempting to find my center. Nature always helps calm my mind and soothe my soul.

I walked up through the old North Cemetery communing with the trees. They aren't as vibrant as I've seen them in past years but they are beginning to change. We've been in a drought so the Autumn colors seem to be a bit quiet this year. Still, I smiled at the trees and even stopped to tell a couple how beautiful they were. I like to run my hand along the bark gently in greeting.

Trees are comforting to me. They are strong yet flexible. They know how to sway with the wind. Their leaves whisper gentle sounds of comfort.

In the park where I walked there is a pond. Sadly, a much smaller pond because of the drought but, still, a pond. After walking the loop trail around the park I headed to the bench next to the pond to watch the sunlight dance on the water.

When I sat down on the bench I noticed that my feet didn't touch the ground. Sort of like what it might feel like to kids when they sit on a big bench. I smiled at the realization then as I sat there I began to relax into that feeling of being a little kid. A kid who needed comforting. A kid who can't explain why it hurts but knows that it just does. A kid who's lost her family or is just too far away from them.

As these thoughts filled my head I felt the burning in my chest. The tears began to form in the corner of my eyes. They fought me to get out, to find freedom on my cheeks. Finally I stopped fighting them for a bit. The release felt good but I stopped them again. My only thought being, "What if someone walks by or comes to sit on the bench, too?" I was alone. There wasn't anyone that was going to want to share the bench with me but I didn't want to be surprised. So, I got up and walked along the bank of the pond. On the other side of me was thick brush so I knew for sure no one would happen upon me there.

As soon as I got far enough away and tucked back into a little alcove of bushes, my body let go. Why I felt the need to hide, I'm not clear, but I allowed myself to just to let it out. Out it came, too. In full force. My heart felt like it was going to burn through my chest as I silently sobbed and cried.

I love my family dearly and want nothing more than to help all of them in any way I can. My West Coast family is struggling and I'm feeling quite helpless all the way out here. My heart aches to be with them.

The transient feeling I've had over the last few years has helped me find myself and my priorities. It's been a good tool but I'm beginning to feel like I need to grow roots again. Ideas of a house, eventually a partner, a long term job, holidays spent surrounded by family and so much love are all floating around in my head quite a bit these days. I want to settle down again. I want to build those roots so I can stand even taller.

The tears I cried that day were for my family, for the distance, for their struggles and for the time it may take me to get home.

Home.

Just knowing I have a sense of that word now brings happy tears to my eyes.

Self Compassion & Understanding

Returning from the Farmer's Market with a carrot top tail.

This morning I woke up with a sense of sadness. I awoke to clouds and rain and cool air and the sound tires make in the rain as the cars pass by beneath my window. I slept in this morning after staying up late. I've been tired, yes, but this tired today felt different. It felt a little like escape.

My weekend mornings are usually spent leisurely drinking at least two cups of coffee while I read or journal in bed. This morning as I sipped my first cup I felt it. The sadness. The loneliness. It scared me so I finished my first cup, took a shower and walked down to the farmer's market. I felt this pull to run from it but at the same time I knew that taking it for a walk would do it some good and it did. When I returned I continued to find ways to get away from it, though. Escape, I recognize, is an old pattern for me.

I cleaned while listening to a pod cast. It was a Moth Slam that airs on NPR and sometimes those stories stir up emotions and sometimes they inspire me to write or look at things differently. Sometimes they just plain make me cry. I'm not even sure what the story was about at this point but I remember feeling the tears start to well up and the surge of emotions in my chest. I had to stop the vacuum, sit down on the steps and let myself cry for a moment. I let myself feel what I had been running from all morning. I stopped trying to escape and just sat there with it all. In my mind, I wrapped my arms around the emotions and myself. When I did that I realized that it wasn't just sadness that I was feeling. It was such a mix of happiness and sadness and homesickness and gratitude and all the feelings.

I sat there on the steps with tears rolling down my cheeks counting all of the blessings in my life.

1. I have a group of the most amazing people in my life, both family and friends.
2. I have an abundance of love, the size of which I've never before felt.
3. I have a real sense of belonging and home that I've never before felt.
4. I live in a world where there is beauty that stops me in my tracks and brings tears to my eyes.
5. I am healthy and getting stronger every day.
6. I am so much more connected to my body, my soul and my mind than I've ever been before.

The self growth I've done over these past few years has brought so much peace, confidence and friendship with myself. I am amazed at the amount of growth that I've experienced, in awe and am so incredibly proud of myself.

It really is true that happiness begins within yourself. I have become my own best friend, my own companion and my own confidant and there is absolutely nothing sad about that. It's reason to celebrate. The level of trust I have in myself to be completely open and authentic and real with those around me has skyrocketed.

Never before have I ever known myself so well, been so in touch with and connected to my soul and what it wants and needs.

Never before has my heart felt so completely open to life and love and happiness. This...THIS is what it feels like to live, to be fully present with myself and the world around and inside of me. This is what it feels like to be able to sit with the good and the hard feelings and emotions and to come out on the other side of them a better me. A more compassionate, understanding and loving me.

This life is amazing and full of adventure. My heart is so full of gratitude and love.

Valentine's Day Perspective

Throughout the day I thought a lot about my past romantic relationships and the path I've taken to be sitting where I am at the moment. Single and comfortable with it. "Have I really become more realistic about love or have I given up entirely?" was the question that continuously showed itself today.

As I sat here this evening contemplating a blog post around all of it I read about the passing of a dog that I met once. The tears began to flow and after sobbing over the loss of a wonderful dog and someone's greatest companion, suddenly the thoughts and contemplation seemed unimportant. Definitely not a priority.

Death and loss seems to put the past and the present into perspective. The past is something to learn from, for sure, but what's really important is right now, the present. The people in my life right now, my close friends and family - blood, adoptive and chosen - and the love that we share are what's important. I wish to spend the rest of my days loving them, helping them and watching them grow, live and find happiness.

"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive." - Dalai Lama

The Point

The blank page is so bright.

There is a want inside of me. More of a need. A need that is gnawing and clawing away at my rib cage. The feelings are there. So many of them. But, the words are few. Patching pieces together. Searching for a way to weave the letters into words, the words into syllables, then the spaces and the punctuation together in a way that, first, makes sense and, second, says what I'm feeling. What's happening in my head.

Old patterns are hard to break. Re-programming sometimes feels like a numbness. You turn some of it off completely so there's room for reason, for awareness of thoughts. Turn the spicket on to a drip so you can see where the thoughts go. Then stop and ask why. Why? What is it that I really want in this moment?  Why am I feeling this way? Which way are my thoughts going? Towards an old path?

Change direction. New perspective. New path.

That dark hole, that hole still exists. It may always be something that I carry with me. I may, for the rest of my days, be climbing in and out of it. From that darkness a question is constantly whispered, "What is the point?"

What is the point?

The point is to live and love and give. The point is to make others smile. The point is to help others in this life. The point is to find happiness within. The point is to have a point in this life, in this world. The point is to make a difference.

To one or to many. Make a difference. Inspire good. Be the point.

That's the point. The point of all of this. The point of this life. The point of my life. 

New Year & New Adventures

Coming back to Portland when I did this past year felt like the right move for me at that time. Being back has brought some closure for me around some things, including the photo project that I've been working on for the past two and a half years. The book is published and in very good hands and I couldn't be more proud of that work. Who knows if it would have happened the way it did had I stayed in Massachusetts or if I would still be searching for a publisher? There's really no way of knowing but I am glad that things worked out the way they did.

My group of close friends and family has become smaller but I feel like I hold them even closer to my heart. They are my top priority in this life and I love them dearly. I no longer feel like I take any of them for granted and I hope they feel the same.

I've forgiven myself for many things I've done in my past that I am not proud of. Forgiven yet not forgotten. They all help me to be a better person with each passing day and remind me of what is important in this life. Family. Friends. Love. Happiness.

I've also made peace with who Wendi is, what she wants in life and how she chooses to live. I do things that make me happy no matter what the financial reward. I love working with dogs and the rewards that come from it far out weigh any sort of financial gain. Dogs teach me and remind me of so much every single day; the importance of taking time to play, being filled with pure joy, fully being in the moment, eating good food and taking a good nap. At this point, I feel like I could step into another job that may not include animals and carry those lessons with me into every working day. Maybe even find ways to help others find joy in the days.

So, in the end, it was a good choice to come back to Portland and I'm glad that I did. But, it's time for me to move on. In the hindsight that I've had I can clearly see that I went into panic mode while dealing with so much grief at the beginning of the year and felt pulled to come running home. In the end, the panic paid off but now I sit with a sense of regret. Regret for not giving myself enough time to be in a new space. To adjust to all of the new things around me and a new way of life. A way of life that I really began to love just before I left, in a small town where I quickly got to know people and their dogs. Where people would honk and wave as I walked Scarlett every night and it felt comforting. Just as it started to feel like home for me, I left and now I regret it. Coming back to Portland was needed for lots of reasons but now it's beginning to feel like a step back for me.

In this distance I've also realized a lot of things about my feelings towards my ex-wife. How they've always been there in the back of my mind where I pushed them and locked them away as a way to survive. I know I really messed things up this last go around for us, but we've forgiven each other and are moving forward as friends and family. I don't feel like I'm able to be in a relationship with anyone else because of the feelings I still hold for her, so of course there will always be hope as long as those feelings remain, but I also know the reality of things. I do not hold her to rekindling a love that may be long gone for her. Instead I am grateful every day that she is still a part of my life and my family and will only ever want for her happiness. Whether it's with me or someone else. She will always be my family no matter what.

All this being said, at the end of March I will return to Ipswich, Massachusetts. I'm moving back in with my amazing ex-wife, we will clear out the second room for me and I will, most likely, have a snoring dog sleeping next to me for years to come. I couldn't be happier about this decision and so very grateful that she is welcoming me back. This time it'll be as permanent of a move as I can make, not knowing when I'll have to return to Southern California to take care of my parent(s). Really my only permanent move will be when I purchase my land and build my tiny house.

During this trek across the country I hope to make a few stops along the way at some bookstores. I'll be taking Interstate 90 across the US again so they will be places along that route, including Chicago. My publisher will be working on putting together some events and/or signings. Maybe we can get something together for a Boston or NYC book release party, as well. I'm hoping to have a travel partner this time, but that's all up in the air at the moment. We're still 3 months out so there's time.

I'm looking forward to returning to the East coast for good this time, spending quality time with my ex-wife (and the fur kids!) and thoroughly enjoying the small town life. Of course, there will be more photo adventures!

I can't wait to see what this part of my life brings. Let's do this, 2015!

Gifting & Gratitude

My son asked me a couple weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday. Over the past few years, our Solstice celebrations have become less and less about giving presents and more about connecting so gifting for the holidays isn't something we are all that concerned about. But, when he asked me about my birthday I told him that I really didn't want for anything and that I didn't want him to buy me a thing. He persisted so I sat for a moment and thought about what I could really use.

This past year I've purged a lot of my possessions. Everything from clothes to furniture to high school yearbooks. My collection of books now fits neatly into one medium sized box. Everything that I own fits into the trunk of my car, with maybe a bag or two in the back seat. I guess you could call me a minimalist.

So, I ended up telling my son that I could use a new hoodie. (It's practical and something I would most definitely use.) What I got was a meal with him and our family at a traditional Japanese ramen restaurant in downtown Portland and it was absolutely perfect.

Gifting is awesome but the idea of bringing something new into my space that I most likely won't use, and will have to find a new home for, kind of makes me crazy at this point. I don't want or need stuff these days. Specially with a couple more big moves and a tiny house in my future. I like the idea of being mobile. Compact.

A meal with my family, one on one time with close friends, kind words, a thoughtful letter or email sent my way or even something handmade that's useful (like a bookmark)...these are the things that I want these days. Memories, love and relationship are the gifts that I am most grateful for every day of the year. These are the things that make me wealthy. I treasure them and hold them close to my heart.

Spending the last year focusing on what I'm grateful for has helped me to shift my perspective on so many things. I'm much more at peace with my life and the way I choose to live it than I ever was before. I choose a simple life filled with the love of my family and a few close friends. Those are all the gifts I need.

Choosing Love & Authenticity

A few days ago I had a very surprising conversation with my step-Father. He was telling me about how little he hears from my son and how he'd like to hear more from him because he feels he doesn't really know him when suddenly he's telling me how he doesn't have a problem with the gay thing but that he had wished my son and I would have chosen to be straight.

I wish I could remember, word for word, some of the things he said so I could quote him here but I was too shocked and a bit stunned to be having that conversation with him. I get where he was going with it, or trying to at least. I believe he was trying to say, in a very awkward and uncomfortable way, that he does love us and wants to hear from us.

But, the way he was trying to explain it was hurtful. His perspective comes from a very conservative, right winged kind of life. According to him, my son and I and everyone else who is gay chose to be gay. According to him we could have chosen to live a straight life, which, also according to him, would have been an easier life to live.

The major problem with this “thinking” is that it isn't thinking at all. I didn't chose to be gay anymore than he chose to be straight. Being gay is who I am, it's my authentic self. Imagine if I chose to deny who I am and lived a straight life. It would not only affect me on a deep, soul scaring level but it would also affect the person I was living that straight life with, his family, my family and anyone who I may have created from that straight life. I would be living a lie every single moment of every single day and that lie would rip me to shreds on the inside, finding ugly ways to manifest on the outside and harming everyone around me in some way on a very deep psychological level.

The denial would turn into self hatred and that hatred would eventually kill me. I've seen it happen over and over again to those who chose to live a life that isn't authentic to their true selves.

This isn't a perspective he totally understands. I'm not even sure he hears me when I try to explain it to him and having this conversation with him makes me feel like he believes something is wrong with me and my son.

There is nothing wrong with me or my son. He is gay. I am gay. It's just a part of who we are. The rest of our lives are just like everyone else's. We get up, we go to work, we pay our bills and our taxes, we are contributing members of this society, we have dreams and goals, we love and we are loved. Our lives don't look any different then his. We don't live a secret life that heterosexual people don't know about. Our relationships have the same highs and lows.

Yes, there are lots of people in this world who hate us simply because we're gay. But, honestly, their hatred is not my problem. It's their problem and it's something they have to live with and carry around with them. I choose to live my life authentically, to be true to who I am and to love.

I choose love and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

They Were Right About Me

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” ~ Tao Te Ching

"I'm always makin' the same mistakes. All this takin' is hard to take. When I think about bygone days, I was doin' everybody wrong. I was takin' the long way, endin' up where I don't belong. Now I pray it's not too late to change the path I'm runnin' on."  -lyrics from "Snake Road" by Ron Sexsmith

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." The hard part about finally being honest with myself is owning up to my mistakes and painful patterns. The sentence in the quotes can be interpreted in a few different ways that I can think of. The "what I am" can be the ideas of who I am or supposed to be in my mind or it could literally be "what I am". That "what I am" being exactly the person someone once warned a woman I dated a few years back about me being. A person who is easily distracted as soon as things get hard and someone pays attention to her.

Just typing out those words made my stomach turn. This is me owning up to how much of an asshole I was. I wanted desperately to be loved and in my mind a relationship should be easy because that's how you know it's right. As soon as there was a hurdle to jump or a mountain to climb within that relationship I shut down and ran. And ran. And ran. And ran.

Until one day I finally owned up to my shit and was able to see all of the wrong I had done. I was able to see how selfish I was and how much I was Godzilla-ing my way through life. "I was taking the long way, endin' up where I don't belong. Now I pray it's not too late to change the path I'm runnin' on." This path I'm on is very different.

Relationships aren't supposed to be anything. They are supposed to be relationships. Sometimes hard and sometimes easy. It doesn't make one more right than the other. What matters is the love, connection, honesty, and communication between the people in the relationship and whether they're either heading down the same path or reaching for the same end result.

I think. Fuck. Maybe I don't have a clue. 

I know how I feel. It's taken me a really long time to finally know how I really feel, but I finally do and these days I feel humbled. Humbled by the events and my decisions and actions over the past few years. I know I don't want to be that asshole anymore. I know that today I am a better person than I was yesterday and that's a great accomplishment. I also know that tomorrow I will be a better person than I am today because I will keep on working on this open and honest communication with the people I am in relationship with now. My family and closest friends.

I also know that I am grateful for those who call me out on my shit, even if indirectly. I'm finally in a space where I don't automatically go into a self defense mode and can honestly sit with it, take it in and consider whether or not something should change in me.

If a relationship does ever happens for me again, I know it'll look different than the idea that I've carried around in my head all these years about love. You might say that it'll look much more practical and realistic. I don't feel the need, although the want will always be there, for the forever ever after. I'll want space and time for myself within the relationship and I'll most likely want to sleep separately, although not every night but often. When my tiny house comes to fruition, maybe even have our own tiny houses on the same property. I guess what I'm explaining is more of an intimate companionship.

Even if that doesn't happen, I will still have my family and close friends to make those connections and have that companionship. Plus, there are always dogs. Dogs are the best companions.

I've let go of my attachment to my need to be loved. I've kicked the asshole out of my head and every day I'm becoming that person who I always thought I was. Honest. Loving. Open. Trustworthy. Loyal. Compassionate. Considerate. Someone that truly knows the meaning of family and being a good friend.

Hindsight and Major Life Changes

Hindsight. It's frustratingly clear sometimes. After spending this past year traveling through so many major life changes I've learned some huge lessons for which I am grateful.

One of those lessons being to stop moving so much and just be. Specially after a major life change like ending a relationship, starting another, ending a job, starting another and moving across the country.

I wish I would have given myself more time in Massachusetts with my ex-wife. I was in the midst of a lot of grief and internal struggle that clouded quite a bit for me. I can't help but wonder what might have been had I just sat through it while staying put.

But, wishing I would have done things differently doesn't change the past. All I can do is move forward and be ever so grateful that I still have a friendship with her, that she's still a part of my life. While the reality of things may be that we are never to be an "us" again, I am so grateful that she will always be my family.

I've learned so much over the past year. I look forward to being still, being quiet, being present and learning more this next year. Most importantly, staying honest and open with myself and those who are most important to me. My life has new priorities these days. Cultivating and nourishing the relationships of my close friends and family is top priority. Staying in a space of gratitude goes along with that.

Something Shifted

I am happy, yes happy, to say that I am doing so much better. Between the increased exercise, solitude, and time with close friends and family I feel like I am in a much better space these days. Thankfully.

Something shifted for me this time during this battle with depression. After spending most of my life chasing an idea of love out of the shear desire to be loved, I find that I've completely stopped chasing it. I can't, without a doubt, say that I'm not just completely shut down due to the depression, but right now there is not a single part of me that has any desire to be in a romantic relationship.

I'm not brooding or saying that from a space of pain or hurt where I feel like I'm just done with it all. This is new for me. I'm in a space where I am truly happy being single and spending time alone.

In this space I find that the relationship I have with myself is deepening, I'm being much more honest with myself, and I'm also focusing on strengthening my relationships with my family and my closest friends. It's the deeper connections that I crave these days.

That deeper connection that I crave leads me to send a personal email or message to those farther away or getting together with those who are close by. I always look forward to catch up sessions with my friends and family and we make it a point to schedule them. I appreciate them immensely.

I also love my job(s). I'm working with dogs and other animals when I house sit and it fills me up with so much love and true companionship. I can't remember a time in my life where I've ever loved and enjoyed my job so much. My happiness and contentment with that part of my life seems to be flowing over into the other parts of my life, which is what I had always thought would happen and am grateful to have finally discovered that to be true.

Because I love my job(s) so much, I am rearranging my life to fit into the income bracket and if the income improves, I am very happy to watch my savings account grow after paying down more debt. I will soon share living space, I live simply and I am content and happy with this lifestyle.

I've also stopped chasing the past. I have completely released it all, forgiven myself, and no longer pine for what was. If I could find better words to convey the magnitude of this, I would surly use them. This is huge for me.

This shift is substantial and life changing, to say the least. I am cautiously optimistic and excited to see what the future holds. I continue to plan for my eventual return to California to care for my parents and my tiny home that I will one day build. Of course, this is not to say that a romantic relationship will never again happen in my life, but at the moment, I am honestly ok if it doesn't. I no longer feel that desperate need to be loved. I don't yet know myself well enough to know whether or not I feel like I'm meant to be partnered up with someone in a romantic sense. Perhaps that will come with time.

I'm also finding that in this space, I don't feel as comfortable with putting myself out there the way that I used to. My online presence has changed both here and on the social media sites. Even writing this blog post feels a bit too self centered. I don't mean that as a judgement, I just don't feel as comfortable with it for myself these days.

I've separated my personal life from my online/public life so most of what I post these days on social media is stuff that I can talk about with anyone. The more personal things stay personal and I talk about them with those who are closest to me. I don't feel the need to talk about it in a public space anymore. 

Not to say that I won't write in this blog anymore. The topics of future posts may be a bit more general, is all. Perhaps one day I'll find myself back in that space where I feel the need to put myself out there again. That avenue is always open, of course.

If I'm really being honest with myself, I could wake up tomorrow and this could all change. Even so, it'll still be me and who I am. I will honor that shift, as well. But right now, I like where I am mentally, emotionally and physically. That is a very good thing. 

A very good thing, indeed.

A Butch and Her Dog

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about this dog. Her name was Sumatra and we spent 7 wonderful years together in this life. From the moment she burst out of the car and ran around the yard with me when my then partner brought her home until the day we said goodbye, we were inseparable. She was attached to my hip and followed me where ever I went. She was my best friend and my savior during one of the darkest times in my life.  It didn't matter what I was dealing with or going through in my life, she was my true companion and always ready for our nightly walks. She taught me how to enjoy life again, how to love deeply and how to play. She made me smile every day, hogged the bed whenever she could and provided me with endless amounts of cuddles and lap naps. 

In September of 2009 she fell ill very quickly. Unable to stand to eat, drink or go outside, I took her to the vet. After some tests the vet told me over the phone that she had reason to believe that there was a large growth in Sumatra's belly that could be cancerous so I took her in for more tests. Those tests confirmed the vet's suspicions. She then talked to me about quality versus quantity. Sumatra was then 13 years old and nearing the end of a labs life span. I had to make the toughest decision I've ever made in my entire life. Something I would never wish on my worst enemy. 

I had to say goodbye to my best friend, my companion, my teacher, my dog. 

Almost 5 years later I still find myself shedding tears when I think about that day and how much I miss her. I am still so incredibly grateful to those who helped me through that tremendously difficult time. 

Sumatra's actual paw print tattooed on my left forearm.

Today as I was hugging, playing and walking with the dogs I get to work with now I thought about all of the lessons Sumatra taught me and how I'm learning them all over again with the dogs that surround me now. Dogs don't care about your finances or what you do for a living. They have no judgements around any of that. All they care about is whether or not you're a good person with a good heart and good intentions. To them life is all about love, happiness, physical and emotional connection, good food, lots of play time and naps. 

I've struggled financially in the past few months, I mean really struggled, but you know what? I wouldn't trade this life or this job for anything. I have never been happier with the work that I do. My nights are no longer filled with dreaded thoughts of work the next day. They're filled with happiness and excitement about work. I get to hang out with dogs! To me, that's the most wonderful, happy and exciting thought ever!

This feeling, this sense of pride and happiness in my work...this is what I've been searching for all this time. It wasn't ever in the daily grind of 9 to 5 nor was it on the road to a "sensible" job in the accounting field. It was here in the realm of an assemblage of part time gigs that have me working every day doing things that fill my soul; dogs, cameras, MacBooks and non-profits who are doing good in the world. To some, it may not look like much of a life but to me, it's the best life I've ever lived. 

My heart is filled with gratitude. 

Thank you Universe. Thank you for saying yes. 

Thank you, Sumatra. Thank you for saving my life many times over and teaching me what this life is really about. 

Fail Faster

I've been really struggling lately with figuring out what my work in this world is. Not my job but my work. They are two separate things. To me, my work is what makes my life meaningful and worthy of living. My work is what I will leave behind in this world when I move into the next plane of existence. 

I feel like I'm just on the cusp of really figuring out exactly what that work is. Right now I'm sitting through all of the unfamiliar and uncomfortable feelings of letting go of what has always been the "norm" for me. The norm being the 9 to 5 job that brought in the steady paycheck, made me seem responsible and a part of society around me. But that's not at all what suits me. All this time it's been me, a square peg, cramming myself into a round hole and it just is not working. It's not who I am. 

As I've been sitting through all of this, I've been coming across posts and quotes on the internet that are constantly reminding me that I am ok just the way I am and that I don't have to be a part of the "normal" cog in societies work force. One of those posts was from my son. Below was his status update on his Facebook page yesterday. Not only am I so fucking proud of him, I am incredibly grateful for him. He is my mirror, my teacher and my inspiration. Here is what he said:

"It's late, I've had a wretched day, but a nice ending with my roommate and boyfriend (we watched This is the End, which is generally not my kind of movie, but it was still very fun to watch). Regardless, after a beer and a glass of fantastic plum wine I started thinking about life and the meaning of. I know everyone thinks about it as it's a popular topic, but I realized - at least for me - life is about experiencing. It's about learning new things, falling in love, and writing your own story. I know it's simple, but that's really answer enough.

Everyone makes mistakes, but the key is embracing those mistakes, learning from them, and aiming to be a better person tomorrow. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I've also failed to make mistakes in my life. I've even gone so far as to become afraid of making mistakes in life, afraid of being in that awkward position because I believed that in order to be a great guy I've got to not make any mistakes. It's why you don't see me animate so much, it's why I'll speak of grandiose ideas but take forever to begin development, and it's why I've been stuck in one place for so long. I am a perfectionist, but that perfectionism is what could ruin me if I don't learn to "fail faster."

I know how that sounds, "fail faster." When I first heard of the mantra "fail faster" I thought "but what about making the perfect game?" You can't just make the perfect game, I know that; it's obvious. But sometimes if you've got an I.P. rattling in your brain for a decade you begin to think of it highly. If I don't learn to fail faster - to make mistakes and learn from them - I'll just stay in one place. It's like life, basically. If you're too afraid to jump, then you'll just stick to the "day in and day out" mentality. You'll stick to your routine crap job for years. Today I learned that I don't want to stay in one place. I want to show everyone I can be awesome! But there was the problem: I want to prove to you guys that I can be great too. I've been basically chasing my dreams for the wrong reasons.

I love you guys. You guys are awesome, in my book. Most of the time I'm even jealous, but I really shouldn't be. Life is about experience and everyone lives their own experience in life. It's pointless to compare each other's lives and skills because we're all wired differently, experienced different things, and grew up differently. I know it's a quote from the invisible book of common sense, but we're all unique.

So, today I've changed. I'm not chasing my dreams because I want to be noticed, I'm chasing them because they're my dreams. It's my life and I've lived it to this point by comparing myself to others when I really needed to compare myself to the me from yesterday. So, today I've changed. I'm a better person than I was yesterday and a step closer to my dreams.

For me, this is huge. For you, I guess that really depends on who I am to you. Either way, I guess from now on the only person I'm really competing against is myself. If I'm the only guy I'm up against, then there is no direction but up because I know I can reach the stars.

I hope what I've learned today might help you in some way."

Yes. Yes. A million times yes. Thank you, son. 

 

Plan B?

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted last. Just so you know, I made it back to Portland safe and sound. It was a good trip with only a couple of instances of snow. Yes. Snow in April. Montana and Idaho are crazy with their snow. They like it a lot, I guess.

My welcome back to the Pacific Northwest was wonderful thanks to family and friends, both new and old.. It was so good to see my son again. I gave him the biggest hug making him feel extra awkward. I can't figure out how I ended up raising a non-hugger. Well, actually, he is a hugger. He's just not as into it as I am. Anyway, I was so incredibly happy to see him and hang out again.

I surprised my 5 year-old Goddaughter when I went over to her house to pick up her Mom for a coffee and catch up session. We were trying to sneak out of the house with plans to make a time to hang out with the little one in the next few days but that didn't work. As I stood at the door waiting for her Mom to gather her things, suddenly I heard the pitter patter of 5 year-old feet running across the house to the living room where I was standing, trying to be quiet. The moment she saw me standing at the door she stopped in her tracks with a shocked look on her face. Then she smiled really big, yelled “WENDI!”, and jumped into my arms for a huge hug! It was awesome!

Just after arriving in the Pacific Northwest I received a text from my sister telling me my old studio apartment was open again. Moments after getting the text I excitedly sent a message to my old landlord asking her about my chances of renting it from her again. She was so happy to hear from me and so excited to rent to me again that she immediately cancelled all of the appointments she had to show it the next day and rented it to me on the spot. I signed the lease and moved in on May 1^st. It was incredibly surreal.

On May 5^th I started my new job as the shipping and receiving manager for a small shop here in the Portland area. It's been going well so far and the higher ups are impressed with the speed at which I pick things up. It's not rocket science and I've done this sort of things many times over so, for me, it's pretty easy to catch on. I'm not a big fan of the early morning hour that I have to get up but I do enjoy having the late afternoons/early evenings to do other things.

One of those other things has been working on getting into classes at the local community college to get on my way to applying for the Radiograpy program. Unfortunately, it's all a bit dependent on how it's all financed and today I received a bit of bad news in regards to just that. I'm about capped out on the amount of student loans I can take in my lifetime and I don't have enough left between what I've already taken out for my Bachelor's degree and the cap to make it all the way through the program. The moment I hung up the phone after receiving this news I immediately thought to myself, “Ok. Now what?”. What's plan 'B'? Alright, honestly, I thought those things after first yelling, "FUCK!" but I had to get it out before moving on.

So now, what is plan 'B'? I am, at the moment, unsure of the answer to that question. My wise, Life Coach Mom seems to sense a bigger plan unfolding. I just wish I knew what that plan was. My mind is bouncing between looking at scholarship applications to continue down that path, taking my photography to a level that would sustain me, writing/self publishing, and starting a new business walking dogs/pet sitting. One thing that I am sure of is my need to focus on finishing up my current photo project and getting the book out there. The move and all of my transitions have put the project on the back burner and it's time to bring it back to the front. I miss it.

On a side note: I've noticed lately that I haven't had the words to write. Until today. Until after receiving that phone call regarding financial aid at school. I'm not sure what to think about that, if anything, but it's interesting.

So, Universe? Where do I go from here? A bit of guidance would be fabulous, thank you.

Two Servings of The Big Apple

My past two weekends in New York City were amazing, to say the least. The weekend before this was my first visit to the Big Apple and all I can say is, wow. The energy in the city is incredible. Even on a rainy Saturday.

I spent the weekend with my friends, Syd, who is also my mentor in the world of photography, and her partner Jay, who is what I would call an LGBTQI community elder. Jay was at Stonewall when riots started. The weekend was filled with lots of stories about our community history in and around NYC and, of course, lots of talk about photography and the business of it.

I arrived Friday afternoon very excited yet tired from the 5 hour drive from North Shore Massachusetts. Syd and I spent the evening talking about photography, making (well, I mostly happily consumed) good food and playing with their cats. Since I was pretty tired from the drive and it was pretty cold outside, we decided to change our plans and go out to the Brooklyn Bridge on Saturday night. I was very sure that I really just wanted to enjoy the time with Syd and Jay and not fill the weekend too full to the point of overwhelm so we made tentative plans and just played it by ear. There were two things I really wanted to do that weekend and that was to go to Stonewall and to feel my camera in my hand again.

It felt so good to have the camera in my hand again. As good as taking a really deep, cleansing breath. It reminded me how much I need to do this every day.

On Saturday we roamed around downtown in the rain doing our best to protect our cameras with plastic bags and rubber bands, which made it hard to shoot but I was still happy to be shooting. After walking the High Line we ventured into the Steven Kasher Gallery where Jerome Leibling's collection “Matter ofLife and Death” was exhibiting. If you ever have a change to see a photographic exhibit, I highly recommend that you go. Seeing the images in print has such a huge impact. Much more so than seeing them digitally online. 

In front of The Stonewall Inn. Photo by Syd London.

After the gallery we made our way to The Stonewall Inn. Seeing it for the first time, there right in front of me, was surreal. I had read so much about what happened and saw photographs of the place both then and now, but I think that in my mind it was always this mystical place that only existed in our history. I was in awe, to be perfectly honest. So much history, so much courage, so much strength all happened right there in that place. I stood there thanking those who fought before me so that I could walk freely in this world and be my authentic self. It was truly an amazing experience.

Working in the studio

Since Syd and I had been walking around in the rain most of the day, we both decided it would be much better to head back to her apartment in Brooklyn to dry out and warm up so I still have the Brooklyn Bridge on my list of things to see. It gives me yet another reason to return for a visit. After warming up and getting some food in our bellies, I spent the evening getting some much needed alone time with my camera in Syd's studio working on a personal project. 

On Sunday I asked Syd to come with me on a project shoot I had arranged with a participant that lives in the Upper East Side of NYC. The participant had made arrangements for us to go up on her building's roof top for the shoot and I was crazy excited about it. When we arrived the landlord had locked the roof top door so we did what any normal group of photographers would do. We snuck up to the roof top through the building next door! It was awesome and so fun. We were all giggling and whispering as we climbed the flights of stairs and were so happy when we reached the top to find the doors unlocked. We had a great time up there shooting and the weather was kind enough to hold out for us! 

Here is one of the shots from that roof top shoot:

Beautiful power.

By the way, the woman who I photographed on the roof top is also working on a photo project titled Leather Women. It's a beautiful project. You should check it out.

She also photographed me while we were up there.  I love the way the photograph turned out. It makes me feel strong and powerful. Almost as if I'm about to take on the Big Apple. 

Photo by Carmelle La Sirena.

After the shoot, Syd took me to see Grand Central Station, which was....wow. Incredibly grand. There is so much beauty in the architecture. I fell in love with all of the old buildings in NYC. 

Yesterday I was lucky enough to return to the Big Apple. This time with my sister and her partner. They took me to see my first Broadway play and they couldn't have picked a better play for my first experience. It was Cyndi Lauper's KinkyBoots. If you get the opportunity to see this production, GO SEE THIS PRODUCTION! It is awesome! We had such a blast!

Afterwards we walked through Times Square then stopped in a Celtic pub for a Guinness and some food before heading back to Grand Central Station to catch the train back to Connecticut. It was such a great day full of laughter and great conversations.

I am so grateful to have had these experiences. At one point during my visit with Syd and Jay I remember stepping out of the shower and standing there in their bathroom for a moment thinking, “Who would have ever thought that I would be standing in a bathroom in a Brooklyn apartment where my friends live. In Brooklyn. New York.” Then yesterday, as I sat down in the theater, I thought the same sort of thing. It was so surreal. I've read about and seen so many photographs of people visiting this city and doing the things that I was doing but never in my life did I think that person would ever be me.

When I stop to take an assessment of my life and what I've done in the last year, it's almost like I'm seeing someone else's life. It's so hard for me to believe all that has happened in the past year. I am humbled by it all. Humbled and so very grateful.

New Outlook On Life

Photo by Kina Williams. With my old bike.

Four weeks from today around this time in the evening I will be somewhere in Minnesota looking for a truck stop to park for the night to get some food and sleep. I will be on my way back to the Pacific Northwest with a new outlook on life. I'm looking forward to lots of time with family and friends both old and new, finding employment, re-establishing my own place in this world and starting school in the Fall for a brand new, exciting career path that will combine so many of my passions.

I'm also looking forward to Pride this year and the possibility of riding my old motorcycle in the parade with Dykes on Bikes. There's a possibility of buying my old motorcycle back from friends who bought her before I left Oregon and I can't tell you how happy that possibility makes me. It was so hard to let her go but I knew I was leaving her in good hands.

In these past 6 months that I've been in New England I've gained the perspective I needed and finally found closure around some things that have needed closure in my life for so long now. I'm finally leaving the past where it belongs, in the past, and taking the lessons with me into the future. All of my past relationships have helped me reach this point and I am very grateful.

There will always be love in my heart for those who are no longer in my life but at the same time I've let them go entirely. I'll always welcome them back into my life but I won't force it nor chase them. I've made my amends with them, forgiven myself for my wrong doings and have let it all go knowing it's all I can do. We all have our own path in this life. Sometimes those paths cross, walk side by side, then cross again over to separate paths and I respect and honor that. This is a new way of being and thinking for me and I have to say, it feels really fucking good. It feels healthy and positive and loving.

I feel like my future is this blank canvas where anything can happen. I wake up every day excited to see what the day brings. This is such a great time for me. I know there will be plenty of challenges along the way but I'm doing really well with seeing the positive in all of it and bringing my thoughts around to a much more healthy way of thinking. I don't need everyone to like me and I no longer see challenges in life as things that are victimizing me. I no longer believe that my life will “always be a struggle”. Challenges don't make life a struggle, they make life interesting and exciting. Every time I overcome one of those challenges I empower myself. My life is heading for bigger and better things and I can't wait to see what adventures lie ahead.

This week is a short work week for me. I'm taking Friday off from both jobs to drive to Brooklyn for a weekend in New York City with my friend and photography mentor, Syd London.  It'll be my first trip to NYC and I can't wait to explore the city with Syd and my camera. Talk about adventures. You can be assured that I will be posting photos from this awesome NYC Queer Photographers weekend.

Reflecting & Moving Forward

As I normally like to do around New Years Day, I spent some time this morning reflecting on the past year and boy was it filled with so much good stuff. Even the painful parts are good. Here's a quick summary I put together to put things into perspective for myself.

2013

January: Put together and launched the Kickstarter campaign for the Butch/Femme Photo Project.

February: Both the Advocate and the Huffington Post wrote an article on the Butch/Femme Photo Project and the Kickstarter campaign was successfully funded for $10,456. Travel planning began.

March: Completed travel planning for a 9 day whirlwind tour of the northern US and Toronto, Canada.

April: Used my passport for the first time when I traveled up to Vancouver, Canada for the photo project. Stayed with some awesome people and photographed more awesome people. Also got to meet a couple of amazing photographers, Belle Ancell and Robin Toma.

May: The first major trip for the project sent me to Utah, Colorado, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Canada, New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts. Fourteen cities, sixteen photo shoots and 7 flights in 9 days. It was awesome and exhausting all at once. 

June: Traveled to Texas for project shoots in Dallas, Plano, Spring, Houston and Wichita Falls all in one weekend. Visited my sister who I haven't seen since our Dad passed away in 1997.

July: July brought lots of changes in my personal life.

August: Traveled to Oakland for the Butch Voices Conference where I finally got to meet a photographer whom I have admired for years and who has been one of my greatest inspirations in the world of photography, Syd London. Not only did I get to meet her but I got to assist her on a shoot and sit on a panel with her at the conference. A great friendship was sparked between us, of which I am so grateful for. At the end of August I traveled down to Southern California, Arizona and New Mexico for the project and to visit family. During my trip I was able to say goodbye to my Grandmother before she passed. I was also able to be there for my Mom when we received the news of Grandma's passing. While there I reconnected with my cousins, niece and nephews, which was wonderful. 

September: Said goodbye to, my friends, family, a lot of my material possessions and Portland then drove across the country to North Shore Massachusetts with the intention of starting life anew.

October: Three weeks after arriving in Massachusetts I landed two pretty awesome part-time jobs. One in a doggie daycare and the other at an IT company.

November: Reconnected with the Burner and art community by taking a trip into Boston to help clean up an art space with a bunch of Boston Burners. Explored Ipswich with my camera, had some hard conversations around relationships and started working on getting to know myself.

December: Started practicing being in the moment, letting go of the past and focusing on the positive. Took the train into Boston for First Night and saw some fabulous Burner art in the default world. Welcomed in the new year with a hot bath and some quiet reflection. 

This new year will bring many more changes and exciting adventures.  First up is this weekend! This Friday after working with the pups in the morning I head for Brooklyn, New York to spend the weekend with Syd London and her partner Jay Toole! It'll be my first visit to New York and I am so excited! 

Here's to a great year filled with lots of letting go, taking in lots of positive stuff, working on getting to know myself, focusing on the good, lots of adventures, more writing and photography, laughter, joy, family, love and, I'm sure, more mistakes and pain. I think Neil Gaiman sums it up best with his quote about mistakes.

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it."
-Neil Gaiman

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!! Let's make it a great one!