Reminders To Myself During This Time

I was able to track down the book I talked about in one of my previous posts, The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier.  Once I got it home I sat down and scanned through the first 3/4 of the book. It's about stuff I've already read about and processed through sessions in therapy so my scanning it was to make sure there wasn't something in there that I hadn't thought about.

The end of the book, where all of the talk about healing begins, is what I really wanted to read. As it turns out, it's stuff I knew already, as well. I just needed to be reminded. So, I want to post a few of those reminders here so I can come back to them. Maybe it'll help someone else out, as well.

"The first thing an adoptee can do is to become sick and tired of being a victim, of feeling as if she has no power in her life. That feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, which is left over from her infant/child years, permeates her consciousness even today. She has to want to get rid of it. She has to want to take responsibility for herself and not blame everyone-the whole world-for what is happening to her. It is easier to just drift along like a cork on the sea, bobbing along wherever the tide of life takes her. In order to grow up, to become an adult, she will have to give up that old friend lethargy and take an active part in her own healing process. This takes effort, commitment, and energy."

"One of the hindrances to an adoptee's helping herself heal is her feeling of being undeserving, unworthy. This is not reality, it is belief and beliefs need to be challenged. The adoptee is paralyzed by the belief that she was responsible for her own abandonment because she wasn't a good enough baby to keep."

"Challenging our old belief system is not as easy as it sounds. Those beliefs are familiar, they're old friends. It is difficult to let go of them. It is important to take small steps toward change."

"Part of discovering the true self is knowing our own values, ideas and opinions, and being able to express them and hold onto them in the face of differing viewpoints and without having to convince others that we are right. It also means keeping and open mind and being willing to change our ideas based on new and better information, not on the need for approval."

"Empowering ourselves is like a double-edged sword. On one side is freedom, freedom from our need for approval and the constant concern about what others think about us; on the other side is the necessity to take responsibility for our feelings and our choices."
 

Onward.

Primal Wound

After reading a wonderful comment from one of my readers I did a bit of research on a book they suggested titled Primal Wound. In doing that I stumbled upon this page, which resonates with me so strongly. 

"When someone suffers a trauma at age 30, she can go back to age 25 or 27 as a reference point for her feelings, attitudes and behaviors. She knows that she wasn’t so fearful, so mistrustful, so needing to be in control, so sensitive to rejection, so depressed and anxious. She knew who she was and it isn’t who she appears to be now. Birth mothers, who experience trauma at the time of relinquishment, often get stuck emotionally at the age at which they gave birth.

You as adoptees have no reference point. For most of you, your trauma occurred right after birth, so there is no “before trauma” self. You suffered a loss that you can’t consciously remember and which no one else is acknowledging, but which has a tremendous impact on your sense of Self and others, your emotional responses, your behavior, and your world view. Your brain synapses connected according to your perception of your environment which seemed unsafe, unfamiliar, and in need of constant vigilance. This need for vigilance may have filled you with anxiety. Some of you became compliant and tried to be perfect, while others of you acted out and tested everyone who was important to you.

As children, these behaviors are to be understood and worked with patiently and lovingly (that is if adoptive parents are given a clue that their children have experienced trauma). But as adults, it is up to you to begin to realize the impact your actions have on others and to take responsibility for those actions. This is not always easy, because many of you don’t even realize that you have an impact. (Mom leaves, baby cries, mom doesn’t come back = I have no impact, no effect, no importance.) It is the baby mind that believes you have no impact. For the “adult truth” you have to check with others. Ask your husband/wife/mother/ partner: “Did it hurt you when I did…?” Then you can modify your behavior to reflect their answer. You have to begin to notice and acknowledge the effect you are having on others and then take responsibility for it. Take it from me: You do have an impact! You do matter!

Separation from mother is the ultimate loss. Although hidden from your conscious memory, that loss affects much of how you act in relationships. To be in a mature relationship, you must learn how your beliefs differ from reality. Then you can begin to change harmful behaviors. You may be acting from your trauma and not from your true self at all. Allow others to help you distinguish between the two, and learn to act from your true self, rather than from your traumatized self.

I’ve met thousands of adoptees since the publication of my first book in 1993, and each and every one has had a unique and wonderful personality. Yet there are many similarities in their behavior patterns, some compliant, some defiant, but behavior patterns which emanated from early trauma. As adults, it is time for you to gain control in your life. By you I mean the mature adult you, not the traumatized child you. (How many of you would consciously put a three-year-old in charge of your life? Well, you may have unconsciously done just that!) You have to begin to distinguish between your child and adult selves, and act from your adult self. You owe it to yourselves and those who love you.
Remember: You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and dignity, and you deserve to treat others with love, respect, and dignity."

I'm on the hunt for that book and another titled Journey Of The Adopted Self.