Trust

Ever since this past Presidential election I find I am having a really hard time trusting people. People in general, people in my family and people in my community. Trust is a fundamental building block that relationships stand on, so it's been an incredible challenge, to say the least.

I guess it's not all about the Presidential election when I really think about it. It has a lot to do with some of my past experiences, as well. I have no doubt. The photo project would be the beginning of the crumbling of my trust within my community. I couldn't pin that to any one thing that happened, either. It was just a general feeling that people weren't being honest with me or were taking their own things out on me, which happens. I get it. I was able to refine my diplomatic skills during that time and that's definitely something to be grateful for.

Then people treated some of the people I care about the most in horrible ways. They're still out there in the community spreading lies and darkness and getting away with it. They face no consequences to what they've done to my people either, other than karma, which I know will be a constant battle for them given the things they've done. I wish I could warn everyone about them. Narcissists, master manipulators and pathological liars are bad for your lives. Don't let them in. Not even a little.

Then the election happened and I find myself incredibly untrusting of my fellow human beings, minus the very few who are close to me. I'm suspicious of their true intentions, which no one ever seems to talk about. Maybe they themselves don't quite know them but it all leaves me questioning friendships, which is very uncomfortable and makes for a very small circle of friends. It also makes me question the intention of potential new friends in my life, which makes it difficult to expand that small circle.

Is this an age thing? The older I get the less energy I choose to give to friendships that no longer give much or any energy to me. Also, the less time I have for people who aren't honest, open and authentic. I'm tired of the games and refuse to play them any longer. Maybe that makes my circle small but I'm ok with that. I'm very protective of that small circle.

I guess my point to writing this is that this feeling of not being able to trust is affecting my blogging and being vulnerable with the world. Hence the quietness in this space. I'm not sure what to do about any of it other than just sit with it for now.

I hope you're finding peace within your life. 

I Refuse To Live In Fear

The Women's March on Washington was an amazing experience. Never before have I taken part in a protest or stand where there were so many people and the energy stayed in a place of peaceful power. The unity and solidarity was palpable. At least in my experience of it.

Writing about it, finding the words to give it justice, has been challenging. To say the least. I left with the intention of writing about it while experiencing it but, honestly, it was so overwhelming that it made it impossible for me to write about. Now as I sit here and try to put words together to explain my experience, I find that I'm still failing.

Perhaps it's partly because of the constant barrage of daily bad news. I'm finding that the overwhelm is not going away. It's just gone from one extreme to the other. I've spent today limiting my social media contact and trying to listen to music but I'm finding that I mostly just want to sit in silence. The overwhelm is already so distracting that it's difficult to find my baring.

Everything that I care about is being signed away, shut down and de-funded. Not only are they things I care about, they are things that are important to the lives of so many people in this country. Shutting down the EPA will affect every single living being on this planet. That may sound overstated to some, but it absolutely is true. What we do matters.

Never in my lifetime have I seen such division and hatred in this country. The day before the inauguration we stopped at a Peet's Coffee in downtown Washington D.C. where the barista told us that just the day before he saw members of the KKK walking down the street in their robes and hoods. How completely terrifying.

Reading the news and talking to other people about their experiences has had me living in fear. I've had people online tell me that I'm giving into the "fear mongering" which confuses the fuck out of me because aren't they reading the same news? It really is true that if it doesn't affect some people personally, they just don't care about it and they think others to be ridiculous for caring about it. I just don't understand it.

While away in DC I had a brief conversation with another woman who cuts her hair very short. I won't identify her as butch because I don't know that she identifies that way. She's been considering whether or not to continue to get her hair cut short (buzz) because she fears for the possible consequences. I told her that I was having that very same struggle. But, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I'll be damned if I will let someone run me back into the closet. I'll be damned if I will allow someone to make me live in fear.

I am a warrior. I've always been a warrior and I will always be a warrior. A peaceful warrior but one nonetheless. I will always be an example for others in my community. I lead by example. I will not live my life according to anyone else. I will always be authentically me. Short hair, boxers, men's clothes and all. I am butch. I am a masculine of center woman.

Hear me fucking roar.

The Butch/Femme Photo Project Book! It's Almost Here!

I feel like these past few weeks have been a bit surreal. This book, this project that I've been pouring my heart and soul into over the past couple of years is/has become a reality. I signed a publishing contract this past October and the release date for the book is December 15th.

I haven't held a copy of it in my hands yet but, somehow, a friend of mine who ordered it from Amazon has already received his copy. When I saw the photos he posted of him holding the book I started crying. Tears of joy. Tears of release. Tears of "holy shit, it's happening, it's really happening".

My publisher is working out the details of the release party and I am anticipating the first copies of the book to be delivered soon so I can finally hold a copy in my hands. The photographer in me will closely look at every photograph to be sure they all turned out the way I had envisioned them. The writer in me will carefully re-read every word (for the 20th time) to be sure all of the typos have been caught. Even though I know there's no fixing things at this point.

Most of all, I will look at that book in my hands and see my dream come to life. This book is my heart. Everyone who holds a copy of it in their hands will be holding my heart. If that's not vulnerability for you, then I don't know what is.

I am incredibly grateful to everyone who participated, stood in front of my camera, took the time to meet with me and answer all of the questions I sent to them, freely gave their hard earned money, and to those who supported me with encouragement, love and support. None of this could have happened without each and every one of you. Thank you.

As I sit here this morning reading through the blog posts from last year I can't help but feel blessed and amazed. We did it. We fucking did it.

So, here are a few ways to get a copy of this book:

Get a signed copy direct from the publisher, Blue Skirt Productions, through this sale that's happening until this Friday, December 5th: http://blueskirtproductions.com/2014/11/25/blue-skirt-book-sale-now-through-december-5th/

Pre-order an unsigned copy from Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Butch-Femme-Photo-Project/dp/0990765423/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1416462622&sr=8-1&keywords=Butch+femme+photo+project

or Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-butch-femme-photo-project-wendi-kali/1120789139?ean=9780990765424

or Powell's Books right here in Portland: http://www.powells.com/biblio/61-9780990765424-1

Also, come to the release party here in Portland, Oregon on Monday, December 15th at 7:30pm at the American Legion Hall at NE 21st & NE Alberta and get a copy. I'll sign it and give you a great big hug. Plus, there will be food! Here's the Facebook Event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/399674273532075/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Butch: Not Like The Other Girls

This past week I was very excited to discover that a photograph that was taken by the artist/photographer SD Holman was included in their book Butch: Not Like The Other Girls.

"BUTCH is a photographic exploration of the liminal space occupied by female masculinity in contemporary communities. SD Holman delineates Butch not as oppositional to Femme and Trans identities, but as an inclusive site of resistance to limitations on the way women, gender, and sexuality are still defined. The images honour the mercurial beauty, power and diversity of women who transgress the gender binary - celebrating the transversal dialectic of female masculinity, unapologetic and undiluted." - SD Holman

I feel very honored to be a part of this collection. 

The book is beautifully put together and well worth owning. You can purchase a copy online from SD's Etsy site or if you're in the Seattle area, you can find a copy at Elliot Bay Books on Capitol Hill. 

Also, if you're in the Vancouver, BC area there is a book launch happening on Thursday, June 19th at 7pm at Little Sisters Book and Art Emporium. 

Check out page 63 and don't let the spelling of my name fool you. That's me alright. The quote on the opposite page is me, as well. 

Enjoy!

Two Servings of The Big Apple

My past two weekends in New York City were amazing, to say the least. The weekend before this was my first visit to the Big Apple and all I can say is, wow. The energy in the city is incredible. Even on a rainy Saturday.

I spent the weekend with my friends, Syd, who is also my mentor in the world of photography, and her partner Jay, who is what I would call an LGBTQI community elder. Jay was at Stonewall when riots started. The weekend was filled with lots of stories about our community history in and around NYC and, of course, lots of talk about photography and the business of it.

I arrived Friday afternoon very excited yet tired from the 5 hour drive from North Shore Massachusetts. Syd and I spent the evening talking about photography, making (well, I mostly happily consumed) good food and playing with their cats. Since I was pretty tired from the drive and it was pretty cold outside, we decided to change our plans and go out to the Brooklyn Bridge on Saturday night. I was very sure that I really just wanted to enjoy the time with Syd and Jay and not fill the weekend too full to the point of overwhelm so we made tentative plans and just played it by ear. There were two things I really wanted to do that weekend and that was to go to Stonewall and to feel my camera in my hand again.

It felt so good to have the camera in my hand again. As good as taking a really deep, cleansing breath. It reminded me how much I need to do this every day.

On Saturday we roamed around downtown in the rain doing our best to protect our cameras with plastic bags and rubber bands, which made it hard to shoot but I was still happy to be shooting. After walking the High Line we ventured into the Steven Kasher Gallery where Jerome Leibling's collection “Matter ofLife and Death” was exhibiting. If you ever have a change to see a photographic exhibit, I highly recommend that you go. Seeing the images in print has such a huge impact. Much more so than seeing them digitally online. 

In front of The Stonewall Inn. Photo by Syd London.

After the gallery we made our way to The Stonewall Inn. Seeing it for the first time, there right in front of me, was surreal. I had read so much about what happened and saw photographs of the place both then and now, but I think that in my mind it was always this mystical place that only existed in our history. I was in awe, to be perfectly honest. So much history, so much courage, so much strength all happened right there in that place. I stood there thanking those who fought before me so that I could walk freely in this world and be my authentic self. It was truly an amazing experience.

Working in the studio

Since Syd and I had been walking around in the rain most of the day, we both decided it would be much better to head back to her apartment in Brooklyn to dry out and warm up so I still have the Brooklyn Bridge on my list of things to see. It gives me yet another reason to return for a visit. After warming up and getting some food in our bellies, I spent the evening getting some much needed alone time with my camera in Syd's studio working on a personal project. 

On Sunday I asked Syd to come with me on a project shoot I had arranged with a participant that lives in the Upper East Side of NYC. The participant had made arrangements for us to go up on her building's roof top for the shoot and I was crazy excited about it. When we arrived the landlord had locked the roof top door so we did what any normal group of photographers would do. We snuck up to the roof top through the building next door! It was awesome and so fun. We were all giggling and whispering as we climbed the flights of stairs and were so happy when we reached the top to find the doors unlocked. We had a great time up there shooting and the weather was kind enough to hold out for us! 

Here is one of the shots from that roof top shoot:

Beautiful power.

By the way, the woman who I photographed on the roof top is also working on a photo project titled Leather Women. It's a beautiful project. You should check it out.

She also photographed me while we were up there.  I love the way the photograph turned out. It makes me feel strong and powerful. Almost as if I'm about to take on the Big Apple. 

Photo by Carmelle La Sirena.

After the shoot, Syd took me to see Grand Central Station, which was....wow. Incredibly grand. There is so much beauty in the architecture. I fell in love with all of the old buildings in NYC. 

Yesterday I was lucky enough to return to the Big Apple. This time with my sister and her partner. They took me to see my first Broadway play and they couldn't have picked a better play for my first experience. It was Cyndi Lauper's KinkyBoots. If you get the opportunity to see this production, GO SEE THIS PRODUCTION! It is awesome! We had such a blast!

Afterwards we walked through Times Square then stopped in a Celtic pub for a Guinness and some food before heading back to Grand Central Station to catch the train back to Connecticut. It was such a great day full of laughter and great conversations.

I am so grateful to have had these experiences. At one point during my visit with Syd and Jay I remember stepping out of the shower and standing there in their bathroom for a moment thinking, “Who would have ever thought that I would be standing in a bathroom in a Brooklyn apartment where my friends live. In Brooklyn. New York.” Then yesterday, as I sat down in the theater, I thought the same sort of thing. It was so surreal. I've read about and seen so many photographs of people visiting this city and doing the things that I was doing but never in my life did I think that person would ever be me.

When I stop to take an assessment of my life and what I've done in the last year, it's almost like I'm seeing someone else's life. It's so hard for me to believe all that has happened in the past year. I am humbled by it all. Humbled and so very grateful.

Some Of My Favorite Photos From My Weekend In NYC

Music In Transit

Car Park

Spring Is Springing

Shapes & Lines

Workin' Dog

Where It All Began

Glow

Movement

In The Studio

Grand Central Station

She Is Grand

On A Motherf@*%ing Roof Top! Syd, Carmelle & Me selfie

First Glimpse of The City - photo by Syd London

First Glimpse of The City - photo by Syd London

In Front of The Stonewall Inn - photo by Syd London

In Front of The Stonewall Inn - photo by Syd London

Plus, a link to a great photo Carmelle La Sirena took of me on the roof top in Lower East Side Manhattan.

As soon as I get more rest I promise to write all about the weekend!

On Being Homesick and Grateful

Crane Beach

Have you ever thought about doing something so big that it would be considered a major life change and thought, “I could do that. No problem. It'll be an adventure.”? Like picking up your life and moving it 3,197 miles from your family and everyone you know and love? No sweat, right? It's an adventure. You live for experiences and you love to travel and get out there and see the world!

Well, have you ever gone through with it and it turned out to be “no problem”? Because if you have, I need to know how you did it. I'm gone 3 weeks and 3 days from the town I consider my home and I'm a homesick mess.

I miss my son the most. This is the first time we've lived in separate towns, let alone clear across the country from each other. (Well, apart from being across the country from him when he was 9 months old because I was called back into the Marines for Desert Storm.) For the last 23 years, no matter what, it's always been him and I. Even if we weren't living in the same house or the same part of town we were always connected. We're still connected but now I can't just drive across town and have coffee with him or go on a hike with him or go have Terminator Milkshakes with him at McMenamins.

It. Is. Painful. So painful.

Part of me feels like a huge baby and if he's handling it well, then why can't I? The other part of me says, “Well of course it hurts. He's your son.”

He's my son.

Chances are he will eventually move out of Portland (maybe) and if I was there in Portland when he moved away, would I feel the same as I do now? Of course I would. But knowing that Portland was where he jumped off from and feeling like I'm holding a sense of space for him to come back to would be so much different then where I sit right now 3,197 miles away from the place we've called home for the last 11 years.

I miss my son. I know that somehow this distance will turn out to be good for both of us, but right now all I know is that I miss him.

I miss Portland, too. I miss the small towns in the big city. I miss being able to call up a friend and go grab a beer just for the hell of it. I miss the quirkiness. I miss knowing where everything is. I miss the queer community. I miss my friends.

There are things I haven't yet done here on the East Coast that I'm sure once I get some funds coming in and do them I'll start to feel the adventure part of this experience. One of those things being spending time with fellow photographer Syd London in New York. Seeing Times Square for the first time. Maybe even seeing Brandon from Humans of New York out and about shooting more beautiful photographs for his project. Or visiting my sister in Connecticut. Photographing a New England winter, spring and summer. Getting down to Florida to finish up my own project shoots. Meeting lots of new people.

In addition to being homesick, other things are eating away at me during this transitional time. Like the way my leaving Portland looked to a few of my close friends based off of things that were posted on a social networking site. (I swear those sites will be the death of society.) Things weren't as they seemed and there didn't seem to be any room for clarity from me. There's so much pain wrapped around that. I want to reach out but don't even really know where to start at this point. Perhaps time will make things clearer with regards to reaching out or leaving it be. I don't know.

Giving up my Oregon drivers license and replacing the plates on my car with Massachusetts plates was emotional. I took care of those things last week and almost cried at the Registry of Motor Vehicles. Seems like such an odd thing to cry about. Although, waiting for over an hour and giving up the money for it all really should have made me cry.

The good news in all of this is that after being here for only 3 weeks I've landed two part-time jobs. One at a doggie daycare here in town and another at an IT company that's only a 7 minute walk from the house. I started the IT company job today and it seems to be a good gig. The people are nice and I'm learning new-to-me software, which is always a good thing for the resume'. My mornings are spent at the doggie daycare and starting my days off with doggies makes me very happy. It sets a good tone for the day. (The job where I'm paid the least and picking up poop is where I'm the happiest. Go figure. If only I could survive on that job alone.)

In the meantime, I continue to do tons of internal soul searching trying to figure out what makes me happy and how I can get paid to do it. Since I've been here, I've figured out that wedding photography is not where my passion lies. The project is where my passion lies. Maybe after this one is done, there will be another. Writing has been heavy on my mind lately, as well. The outline of a story for a book has been making it's way into my thoughts. My Mom has been encouraging me to start writing again. I'm getting other signs from the Universe to write so I need to just do it. With the holidays coming I'm going to need a distraction. Plus, I keep hearing how terrible New England winters are so I may be buckling down inside to stay warm during my off hours. It'll be a good time to write.

Also on the advise of my Mom, I will start focusing on what I'm grateful for in each day. Starting today and every day through the end of the year I will do my best to write a blog post about that which I am grateful for. Today, I am grateful for my two jobs and the income they will provide. I'm also pretty proud of myself for landing them so soon after getting into town. I certainly hit the ground running when I got here and it's paid off.

Reminiscing About Portland

These past couple of weeks have been enveloped by so many different and often opposing emotions. Excited, terrified, happy, sad, shocked, adventurous, courageous, scared, and hopeful to name a few.

It's times like these that make me feel like I'm taking control of my life and doing what feels right. I'm letting go and floating down this river we call life. Sometimes excitedly looking ahead past the bend in the river to see what's coming next and sometimes just “going with the flow”. All the while doing what I can to remain present to the moments I find myself in.

Like right now. I feel the weight of the laptop on my legs, the futon under me, the headphones snug around my ears piping in beautiful ambient music as my fingers find the right buttons to push to create these words and watching the words flow from my thoughts onto the screen.

In the past couple of weeks I've spent time with friends and family here in Portland and during those moments I shared with them I was fully present. I didn't want to be anywhere else during those moments. I was savoring each and every one and reminding myself that I am surrounded by some incredibly amazing people in this life.

I thought a lot about my time here in Portland and how much growth I've experienced here. I've “come into my own” during these past 11 years. When I moved to this city I had very little self confidence and self worth. I also had very few friends. This magical place we call Portland helped me to change all that.

When I leave on Sunday I will leave with a sense of self. I have come to know me during the last 11 years. While I know I will continue to make mistakes in this life, I also know that I am learning more and more about life through those mistakes. Most importantly, I know that I can survive both physically and emotionally when life throws challenges at me.

I'm going to miss my friends and family here in Portland so very much. I'm going to miss the beautiful skyline of downtown. I'm going to miss the quirkiness, the weirdness, the beauty and the awesomeness that is Portland and the people that live in and around here. I'm going to miss the St. John's Bridge and Peet's Coffee. I'm going to miss Pastini and New Seasons. I'm going to miss the mighty Willamette and sitting by the Columbia River watching the planes land and take off. I'm going to miss my friends and family.

It's true that social networking makes me crazy, but I'm so grateful that it exists so I can keep up with everyone in between the personal contacts. I am grateful for each and every one of you in my life. Thank you for helping me get to know me. Thank you for supporting me in this journey. Thank you for being you. You are pretty fucking awesome.

A Must See

Back in 2001 while I was attending Southern Oregon University in Ashland, Oregon I took a women's studies class that focused on women in the media. Up until that point in my life I had always felt completely frustrated over the fact that I wasn't seen as an equal to the men around me. I felt looked down upon and never truly understood it.

Then I took that class. That class brought to light every frustration I had ever felt and helped me to see the source of that frustration. From that point on, I was able to point out every sexist and degrading image of women in any television show, music video, movie or advertisement. It was incredibly difficult for me to see. So much so that I stopped watching television and mostly stopped going to see movies. It affected me on such a deep level.

Right now on Netflix (which is the only place I watch programs at the moment) there is a documentary that completely sums up all of the things I learned in that class at SOU. I highly recommend watching it. Take the hour and a half out of your day or night and watch it completely. Read the facts they put up on the screen. Try not to multitask while you watch this film. Simply sit and watch it like it's the only thing you have to do during that hour and a half. You will learn so much and your eyes will open so wide.

The name of the film is Miss Representation. Please click on the link to watch the trailer or just go to your Netflix account, look it up then click on Play. Watch it through the end in it's entirety because at the end they tell you how you can help make a change. What you can do in your every day life to turn this around.

More women need to write their stories. If you've been putting it off, now is a good time to start. 

"May we all make empowering other women and girls a priority."

An Unforgettable Day

Saturday, August 17th was a day I will never forget. In the morning, I met one of the photographers who has inspired me the most in the world of photography, Syd London. She is an amazing photo journalist based in Brooklyn, New York. I've been following her work for the last couple of years and it has influenced mine in so many ways. Story telling through photographs is such a powerful tool.

After meeting Syd, I had the honor of helping her during the shoot of her life. I can't go in to details about it just yet because it's a secret that won't be revealed for another couple of weeks, but it's huge. Being a part of that shoot and watching Syd work was an incredible honor.

Prior to the weekend, Syd emailed me to ask if I would assist her with the shoot. As we were heading back to the hotel after the shoot, Syd told me that she hasn't ever asked someone whom she hasn't ever met to assist her on a shoot. The energy of the people involved in the shoot has to be just right in order to get the shot, so it's important that you know who is helping you and what sort of energy they're bringing to the space. She said she never questioned whether or not I would bring the right energy and that if I wasn't available, there wasn't anyone else she would ask. I can't even begin to explain how much that meant to me.

In the afternoon, we both sat on a panel of photographers at the Butch Voices conference. There were four of us there and I have to say, I felt like the “youngest” in terms of experience. It was good to hear that some of the other photographers don't have a scholarly background in photography, though. I think a lot of us are self taught and those of us with the passion for it have the craving to learn it on our own. Besides, an education in photography is incredibly expensive. It's very rare that a photographer does well enough to be able to afford all of the loans associated with school. But, I digress. There was a question I answered that the moderator imposed that made me feel very “young” amongst the others. She asked me what other major projects I've done. I was honest and said this was my first. I think that, in a way, that answer surprised me as well as others. But, really, when it comes down to it, everyone has to start somewhere.

After the panel I received some really good feedback from people in the audience and from Syd. All of them said I did a good job and was articulate. I even handled a couple of situations that may have shut me down in the past. I simply refused to give that person any power over me and continued as if it didn't affect me. I won't go into details because, well, I still refuse to allow that person to have any power over me.

This day was also incredibly special and unforgettable because I had the honor of not only meeting two of my community elders who were there when our fight for equality began at Stonewall, I also got to hear them talk about those days. I listened to our history as told by the experiences of Jay Toole and Miss Major and it as incredible. If you don't know who these amazing LGBTQI elders are, please click on their names and do some research. Miss Major was at Stonewall that night when the fight began. Jay was 4 blocks away but made her way down to help with the fight. They have been leaders in the fight for transgender rights and economic justice for the people in our community for over 40 years. Their stories are stories of those forgotten in our movement.

The experiences of the day were life changing for me. Meeting one of my inspirations as a photographer, assisting her on a shoot, speaking with her on a panel, hearing her tell me that my work is good and meeting two of my community elders who were there, at Stonewall, when it all began were all amazing gifts. My heart is so full of gratitude.

The Man In The Arena

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

Project Update & Some Thoughts

Yesterday, I finally sat down and made my itinerary to travel to the Rockies, the Midwest and the Northern East coast for the project. This morning, I feel a million times lighter. Not that I don't have more planning to do, fundraising as well, but at least this part of it is done. It's been weighing heavily on my mind. I also made plans to travel to Texas and Louisiana. I still need to make plans to travel to North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Virginia, South Carolina, Florida, Southern California, Arizona and New Mexico. I'm also quickly discovering that it's going to take quite a bit more money to do it all. I'll have to work on that or find other ways to get photos of those whom I can't get to.

I am so lucky to have the support of my partner through all of this. I spend the majority of my time, away from work, working on this project. Last night she sat down at the table where I was working and said, “Do you know how much I love you?” I asked her if all of my time spent working on the project was driving her crazy. She said no. She loved me even more for working on the project because it makes me happy. She can see what it does to me. The project truly is a labor of love for me. It came from and continues to come from my heart.

The support I've gotten for the project has been mind blowing to me. Messages like this one represent the “mind blowing” I'm talking about:

“Your project moved me to tears. I wanted to say thank you for doing something like this- something to capture what is so rarely seen. As a sociologist, my own background has been LGBT (and all other acronyms) focused - primarily on self-esteem, perceived social acceptance, and coming out. As a lesbian, my research has been intended to highlight the importance of coming out and acceptance. Your photographs are worth more than my thousands of words.”

I can't even begin to find the words to express exactly how much stuff like this means to me. See? Mind. Blowing.

It's affecting people in ways I hadn't even thought about. Good ways. Ways that help others and that's the goal of this project. To help others see that they are not alone in this world. To put faces to the words and identities and to show that there are an endless amount of identities in the world and in our community.

Yes, bottom line is that we are all human, but we're not all the same. We are all unique individuals with our own expressions, identities and ways of being in the world. Let's celebrate everyone! Let's celebrate the fact that you can choose to not be “put in a box with a label” or you can choose to be put in as many boxes as you want with as many labels as you want.

I look forward to a world where everyone is equal but I also look forward to a world where everyone is celebrated. A world where we can all truly be free to be exactly who we are.

Embracing All The Good

When I awoke yesterday and checked my email on my phone I found that there were a few new backers to the Kickstarter project and that there was still quite a ways to go. I felt sad for a moment but then reminded myself that, hey, it raised over $6,000. That's nothing to sneeze at. Plus, it's gotten a lot of media attention. There's always a plan B and both of those things will help with plan B. Still, I wasn't going to give up on the Kickstarter itself until the clock had ticked down, ending the campaign. It still had 6 hours to go and anything could happen in the span of those hours.

So, I got up and did my normal Friday morning routine while trying to take my mind off of it for a bit. Put on my swim suit and headed to the community center pool. Swimming has become a form of meditation, as well as exercise, for me.

When I returned home I checked my email again. Still no luck. More gentle reminders to myself.

Going about my morning, I took a shower, boiled a couple of eggs, made a piece of toast and a cup of coffee then sat down to eat. After breakfast, I looked at my phone again. The email from Kickstarter hit my inbox at 8:30am. It was shortly after that time when I opened it and read that one of the backers had increased her pledge from $100 to $3,300 and that "$10,061.01 is currently pledged toward the $10,000.00 goal." I had to re-read it to be sure I wasn't reading it incorrectly because I just couldn't believe it.

Then my phone started buzzing with text messages and Facebook notifications. I had to sit down and open my laptop to look at the email again. Then the Kickstarter page. It was incredibly difficult to convince myself that it did, indeed, just happen. My project fundraiser had reached it goal. It was going to happen. It was going to fund. I was really going to be able to travel and photograph and document and do my heart's work. 

Then it hit me and the tears started flowing. Tears of joy. I must have cried for close to an hour while responding to everyone's text messages and Facebook posts and posting on Facebook and Kickstarter my sincere gratitude to everyone who is helping me along this journey. At this point, I feel like I can't say "Thank you!" enough.

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for believing in and supporting this project that I hold so dear to my heart. I am so excited to take this journey and create a beautiful piece of art for all to enjoy.

As one of my very wise and wonderful friends said to me yesterday via text message, "When you do your heart's work, the Universe steps up." It most certainly has and in a very big way. My heart swells with gratitude today.

Self Evident Truths

I stumbled upon this amazingly brilliant photo project that is similar to mine but on a much larger and grander scale. It's incredibly beautiful and it's happening all across the U.S. Take 18 minutes to watch this video then check out the web site. It has me in tears from the beauty of it.

My project may not get funded but this one is and it's happening and it's tremendously important so donate if you can.



Self Evident Truths

The Popular Page

Fantastic news! The Butch/Femme Photo Project's Kickstarter campaign is on Kickstarter's Popular page! Check it out!

http://www.kickstarter.com/discover/categories/photography/popular?ref=more#p2

Kickstarter For The Butch/Femme Photo Project

I've put it together, submitted it for approval with the Kickstarter folks and now it's live! Check it out!




For the next 30 days I'm going to be sharing it with as many people as possible and I hope you'll help me out with that. It would be amazing to make this dream a reality. Will you help? Here's the link. Just copy and paste in Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and email!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/wendikali/the-butch-femme-photo-project

False Evidence Appearing Real

A few days ago I started creating a Kickstarter campaign to try and raise funds for the Butch/Femme Photo Project. I've been putting it off for several reasons. One being fear, or as my Mom taught me, false evidence appearing real. I can create stories in my head that will make me second, third and fourth guess pretty much anything I decide to do. The trick, for me, is to just keep plowing through those thoughts and continue on the path. In other worlds, face everything and rise.

The other reason has to do with my own self worth. Both as a human and as a photographer. This project will take quite a bit of funding to complete which made me stop and work through the thoughts of not being "good enough" or "deserving enough" to make this happen. Needless to say, it's been a very good learning experience.

Over the course of the past few days I've been writing about the project and why I'm doing it. The "push" I felt from the Universe to do it was/is so intense but the words needed to fully capture that intensity have escaped me. At least, up until now. My brain seems to have been obsessing about it all night, as I didn't get much sleep, and this morning the words seemed to have finally come together. For the most part. I'm not entirely sure that words can fully embrace the passion I feel in my heart about this project but they seemed to have come close.

With the write up complete, all that is left is to create a short video and to get the Amazon payments account set up and verified. Baring any problems with either, the campaign should be up and running by the end of next week! I'm a wee bit nervous about it but I'm going to stay focused on the positive and know that if it's meant to be it'll be.

Black Friday

In the great words of my friend, Nik Kel, "I encourage you: if you have plans for black Friday, consider spending that money by donating to causes you are motivated and invested in. Because that is truly something to be thankful for: having the ability to give and to help make the world a better place."

Some causes that you might consider:

My current photo project, The Butch/Femme Photo Project. http://astrangerinthisplace.blogspot.com/p/butchfemme-photo-project.html

My friend, Nik's, Top Surgery Fund: http://www.indiegogo.com/thisnikstransition?c=home

My friend, Medina's, fundraising efforts for her family in a time of medical crisis: https://www.facebook.com/notes/medina-doryfish-cardona/transitioning/385258054886227

Fundraising efforts for another one of my friend's medical needs: http://naimalowe.chipin.com/the-hole-in-beccas-gut

The Portland Q Center is a great place to donate to. http://www.pdxqcenter.org/

The Cascade AIDS Project (World AIDS Day is December 1st!). http://cascadeaids.org/

This page contains many links to help with the recovery efforts after Hurricane Sandy. http://www.crowdrise.com/sandyrelief

The wonderful organization, ASPCA. http://www.aspca.org/

Another wonderful organization, the Humane Society. http://www.humanesociety.org/

The Born Free Foundation. http://www.bornfree.org.uk/

Meals on Wheels. http://www.mowaa.org/

These and many other causes. People helping people is what the holidays are about.

Peace and blessings to you and yours.

Be Thankful Every Day

I am thankful for you.

Peace and blessings.

Pride

This past weekend was Pride weekend here in Portland. I had a lot of mixed feelings about it this year. Last year I choose not to participate in it at all because it's been the same pretty much every year. Lots of dance parties at bars, lots of drinking, a festival with the same vendors and lots of entertainment yet no speakers who talked about our history, and a parade that seemed to always have the same contingents. Business after business, which made it feel like a really big advertisement. To say that I was disappointed would have been an understatement.

This year, I felt the same way about it. It feels to me as if we've lost our history and that saddens me. Pride celebrations began in order to commemorate the riots at the Stonewall Inn. Our fight to be open and have communities started on June 26, 1969. How many of the younger folks in our community know the history of our struggle to be open about who we are?

My first Pride experience after I came out was in San Diego, California. The Pride weekend kicked off with a rally Friday night where speakers talked about our history and our struggle and where we needed to focus our fight for rights next. It was my first exposure to our history and I remember feeling very proud to be a part of my community. It was the first time I felt proud to be gay.

It seems as Pride has lost it's history, true meaning and purpose these days. Corporate sponsorships have taken over and turned it into one large advertisement. While it's good to know which businesses support our community so our community can support them, it's also good to remember why we have Pride marches (yes, marches not parades), Dyke marches and Pride celebrations.

There are some good internet sites that have great articles about the history of our struggle to be out and proud. Please take the time to read them. Everyone, gay and straight, should know this history. The Gendershift Blog has a great article about Stonewall. Also, in June of 2008 there was a panel of speakers who were all there at the Stonewall riots. The videos from that panel are here. Please take the time to watch them and listen to their stories. It's so important to know this history and why we celebrate Pride.

I almost didn't attend Pride again this year. I debated with myself about it all week last week and even posted a question on facebook to all of my friends asking why they do or don't do Pride. Most of the answers agreed with what I was feeling. They felt that it didn't represent them and that the history of why we celebrate is lost in the drunken debauchery that ensues over the weekend. But then someone posted a link to this article where the writer talked about various strands of the community showing up to one place and how it reminded him that he's part of a larger community.

After reading this article and thinking about this perspective I had a change of heart. At the last minute, I decided to hop on my motorcycle and ride with Dykes on Bikes in the parade. No matter how I feel about any other part of Pride, I still believe in what Dykes on Bikes stand for and am still proud to lead the Pride march because of it. I can be who I am in the world because of those butches and drag queens who fought for me back in 1969 and since then. Yesterday, I rode in honor of them and as a way of thanking them.

In the end, I am so glad I made that last minute decision. My heart is filled with so much gratitude.

Today I stand with pride.