Swimming In The Deep End

It's been six months since my last post and I am still the luckiest. I still wake up grateful every day. I still wake up feeling like I've won the lottery every day. Every single day.

I never could have imagined a love so beautiful and perfect. She is kind and loving, sweet and adventurous, smart and gorgeous. She's also real and genuine, open and honest. Her heart is stunningly beautiful and she loves me perfectly.

Never have I felt so heard and seen. To be my most vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage. I'm learning every day how to communicate my emotions. It's something that still feels very new to me. I can feel them but putting words to them in a way that helps someone understand them is challenging. Specially in the moment. But, she helps me.

I still struggle, at times, with that old feeling of not being "enough". Yesterday was one of those times. When I finally got the courage and found the words to tell her what was happening inside me, she stopped what she was doing and gave me her full attention. There was no judgement, no ridicule. Only kindness and understanding. Never have I felt like I mattered so much to someone. Never have I been so open.

In those times of complete openness and vulnerability, I feel like we're swimming in the deep end of this life. Those are the times where our hearts and our souls grow closer.

I'm not just lucky. I am blessed.

Photographers. We're Like Therapists.

Ever since the end of my photography project I have been struggling. For the first couple of years I felt drained, tired, and emotionally worn out. As the years progressed it shifted into something else but I was never quite able to put my finger on it. It seems that not a lot of photographers, specially documentary type photographers, talk about the toll it takes on your heart and soul so I haven't ever been able to articulate it until today.

Lately it feels to me like everything I shoot is complete crap. That connection I was able to make with all of the people I photographed in the project was no longer accessible to me so photographing people really has been complete crap. Every time I pick up my camera over the past few years it's felt forced, fake, and I completely overthink all of it. Or I've completely forgotten all of it and I spend a huge amount of time beating myself up over it and feeling like a fake. The farthest thing from a photographer. 

Being a photographer is part of who I am, though, so I felt like I lost that part of myself and lately it's really been fucking with me. Old thought patterns are trying to push their way into my brain so they can make me feel less than, not good enough, and a failure. I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me in other parts of my life, too, until I could put my finger on what was happening. 

After battling with it again this morning, I finally reached out to another documentary photographer to see if I wasn't just making this shit up. Thankfully, I have a couple documentary photographers in my life so I messaged one of them and asked if she ever felt like everything she shot was complete shit. After a good "LOL" she helped me realize just how much we give when we shoot. We give our patience, our heart, our knowledge, our love and our hand. Not just a hand but a Mother's hand that says, "You are amazing. Let me show you and the world." We enmesh ourselves with their lives. We carry their stories on top of our own. Specially within a marginalized community. 

Letting go becomes so much more important. I've been carrying around those stories ever since our lives enmeshed. It's time to let them go. 

Our conversation ended with this, which I want to quote here so I can come back and remind myself, "You are a warrior. A storyteller. An artist. And you are unique. Your point of view of life through the lens is amazing. You can grow. But you cannot shrink. The artist heart grows and grows. So fighting it is impossible. You may just need a different road to walk down."

I'm sure I will battle with this more but for now, I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I got my D300 back from the shop today with a brand new shutter. Because of how I was feeling about things after talking with my friend, I took it out for a bit this afternoon. Unfortunately, I've misplaced the cord to get the photos off of it so I can't post any photos that I took with it. 

I am grateful to my friend for taking the time to hear and see me. It felt good finally articulate what was happening. It felt good to shoot again with my D300. I am blessed. 

All The Things!

I was reminded last week that I haven't even been back in Portland for 6 months yet. Almost, but not quite yet. In those almost-not-quite 6 months I have done so many things and gone on so many adventures!

Since I landed in Portland on December 4th of last year I have:

-Spent many weekends at my girlfriend's family's house on the Nastucca River

-Attended several holiday parties

-Took a self defense class

-Saw the Zoo Lights at the Oregon Zoo with my family

-Watched several movies in the theater including Allegiance, Star Wars Rogue One, Moana, Lion, Arrival, Lala Land, Fences, Hell or High Water, and Kedi

-Went sledding on Mt. Hood and in Portland where we had more than a foot of snow!

-Rang in the New Year on the coast

-Attended the Women's March in Washington DC

-Walked through the Holocaust Museum and the African-American History Museum while in Washington DC

-Went on a wine tasting weekend in Lyle, Washington

-Attended concerts at the Schnitzer including Kodo and Storm Large (who we also saw in Cannon Beach!)

-Attended a production of Swan Lake at the Keller

-Spent Valentine's Day spoiling my girl with a night at the historic Heathman hotel and that Storm Large concert

-Spent the weekend in Astoria to attend the Dark Arts (dark beer) festival - a Christmas gift from my girl

-Traveled to Olympia, Washington to visit friends and family

-Lots of dinners and coffees with friends and family

-So far have done 18 hikes out of a 52 hike challenge for the year

-Spent a long weekend in the Olympic National Forest in a tiny home

-Did a 13.9 mile solo hike in the Columbia Gorge

-Took a few guitar lessons

-Flew to Pasco, Washington and road tripped to Bend, Oregon

-Spent a weekend in Bend, Oregon 

All done in the last almost-not-quite 6 months! Most with my girl, of course. I adore her sense of adventure and desire to suck the marrow out if this life. We have the best times together. Her presence in my life and her love are such beautiful gifts. I am so blessed.

Another adventure coming up this weekend and I am so excited! I love making every weekend a mini vacation! Specially with her.