What Do You Want?

I've been thinking a lot this morning about what direction to take this blog in.  Not that it has to have any one direction but there are things that I can focus on, as I've felt pretty scattered with everything lately.  So much has happened in the last month of my life.

So, I pose the question to you, my dear readers.  What do you want to see me write more about?

Any and all suggestions, comments and questions are welcome.  Your comments are moderated (which means they don't post unless I click the button) so feel free to let me know whether or not you would like me to post them after I've read them. 

Feel free to shoot me an email, as well at wendikali(at)gmail(dot)com.

I'm all ears (and eyes) so comment away!

Family

Try as I might, some days just feel a bit melancholy to me.  Today was one of those days.  On days like this nothing bad has to happen, I just seem to wake up with thoughts that carry over from dreams or feelings of missing those who are no longer here or still here yet no longer in my life for one reason or another.  

The good thing about days like this is I usually get a good poem out of them.  It seems to flow fairly easily after sitting still for just a moment and completely feeling the emotions.  My meditation this morning consisted of sitting on the futon with a cup of coffee.  Not what you would normally consider meditation but the fact is, you can meditate doing pretty much anything.  Well, Zen meditation, at least.  The practice of being present. 

After finishing my coffee (first cup) I opened the laptop, brought up a new document in Word and before I knew it there was a new poem on the page.  When it happens like that I feel as if I can write forever.  The words flow, the cadence flows and the Gods and Goddesses of Creativity shine down upon me.  It’s, quite honestly, a spiritual experience. 

For this experience alone, I am grateful for the melancholy.  It doesn’t end there, though.  On days like this I also think about my life here in Portland and how many amazing people I am blessed to call my friend.  People whom I consider my family.  My beautiful family supports me in all of my crazy ideas and activities, helps me to be a better person, calls me on my shit and loves me for who I am. 

Even if we are not a part of each other’s daily life, we know we can count on one another.  Unconditionally.  Mere words couldn’t even begin to explain to you just how blessed I feel from my connections to these wonderful and amazing people.  I came to Portland in 2002 from Ashland, Oregon.  It was a move that was incredibly difficult for me and, to be honest, I came here kicking and screaming.  Now I am grateful for that move and for all of the blessings and the expansion of my family that it has brought to my life. 

I spent some time tonight with my beautiful Goddaughter, Dania Grace.  It was a perfect ending for a day like today.  Through her 2 year-old eyes I see life as a gift and the joy in everything from a noodle to a bunny.  I love this little girl.  I can’t wait to see what she’s been put here on this Earth to do. 


© 2010 Wendi Kali

Wendi Kali: Photographer

(Liberation by Wendi Kali)

I feel like I’m still reeling from this past weekend’s events.  My new daily habits are helping me to come down from the high. 

In my head I have this long list of things to get done to get my photography off the ground.  Getting business cards made is at the top of that list.  Which isn’t a big deal, really.  I can find them online easily and for free so what’s the big deal, right?  Why haven’t I ordered them? 

Well, I realized today that I haven’t quite fully wrapped my brain around the idea of actually calling myself a photographer yet.  Seeing myself as an artist is so new for me.  For 40 years I’ve lived my life as something completely different.  Completely opposite from being an artist.  Trapped in the corporate world of keeping track of other people’s money with procedures and constraints. Being an artist means living outside of all of that.  I’m a stranger here.

Even though I completely believe in my photographs and talent as an artist and a developing writer, I am still having a difficult time seeing myself in this role.  So, putting that title on a business card some how makes things permanent and solid.  No more denying it. 

So, for my next first (there seems to be a trend happening here) I will order business cards before closing the laptop tonight.  Tomorrow I have an interview at a temp agency where I’m hoping to get some mindless physical work that will start the cash flow again.  You see, I made this leap into the arms of the Universe with just a wee bit of savings, no unemployment and now I’m down to my last $50.  Oddly enough, I’m not panicked or scared in the least.  Which is entirely new for me and really quite freeing. 

All of my other ideas need to wait until I either start working again or sell a photograph or two, or three.  It’s that capital that I need to take the next step of showing in places around town and possibly creating an etsy for note cards with my photos on the front of them and prints.  With the interview tomorrow I will get the ball rolling on that capital. 

Hi!  My name is Wendi Kali and I am a photographer. 

Butch Voices

This past weekend has been incredibly thought provoking.  My writing seems to be flowing from all of it.  Spending time with so many others like me has been so good for my soul.   I feel a little less lonely, a little more validated and filled with a lot more strength and inspiration.

The importance of writing down our stories has been solidified even more in my mind.  When you research it, there really aren’t a lot of books out there written by butches talking about their story or their life and how they made it through. 

During the conference I sat through an intergenerational panel with a few older butches who talked about growing up without a mentor or a role model.  Imagine if they had, at the very least, a book to read so they wouldn’t feel so alone while they were growing up.  Feeling like someone who grew up in drag, I know I would have loved to have had a resource to refer to while figuring myself out.  Knowing that I wasn’t the only one to feel the way I felt would have made my life a hell of a lot easier. 

After this weekend I feel like the structure of my book is starting to come together.  Now to get myself to sit down long enough to start getting it out.  I’ve been more excited about getting out and shooting so I’ve been taking advantage of that motivation. 

Yesterday marks another first for me.  As part of the Butch Voices Conference there was a Gender Queer Spoken Word at In Other Words in the afternoon before the final party at the Egyptian Room.  There were some awesome featured speakers who were incredibly inspirational to me with not only their poetry but with their cadence and presentation of their work.  It was captivating and the audience ate it up.  Myself included. 

After the featured speakers there was time for an open mic.  During the days leading up to this event I toyed with the idea of reading something at the open mic.  I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone lately and felt like this would be a good place to ‘come out’ as a writer.  I’d already come out as a photographer at this conference, amongst my brothers and my sisters and my community, why not come all the way out.  Open up my heart and expose all of me. 

Walking in to In Other Words yesterday afternoon I felt pretty relaxed.  I said hello to and got a great hug from the wonderful hostess, Sossity Chiricuzio. Afterwards she pointed me towards the sign-up sheet with some words of encouragement.  I stared at it for a moment and told myself to just do it.  Don’t think about it.  So I did.  I wrote my name down in the #6 position.  I like the #6.  It was my number in softball.  It’s a good number. 

As I said before, the featured speakers were amazing and inspirational.  As I sat there listening to them I talked myself through the idea that they’ve been doing this sort of thing for quite a long time now.  I have some practice to do but I have to start somewhere.  I promised myself that no matter how nervous I got I would still go through with it.  I was there, my journal was there and I knew what I wanted to read. 

As the names were called and their pieces read I knew my turn was quickly approaching.  I could feel my heart begin to beat harder in my chest and the blood start to rise to my face and ears.  The room started to get warm, well warmer given that a lot of what had been read that afternoon was erotic.  (All I can say after watching porn in Bren Ryder’s workshop with 35 strangers and 2 friends, which was awkward in itself, then sitting through several erotic pieces in the spoken word, I was pretty……shall we say, worked up, for lack of better words, from the weekend.)

When she called my name I had to push myself out of my chair.  Standing up there on the stage, reading my piece I could feel my legs shaking underneath me.  I could see my journal shake in my trembling hands.  My chest tightened making it difficult to breath and keep a cadence but I did it.  After finishing I stood there for a moment to take in the applause, which felt amazing, then somehow made it back to my seat without tripping or stumbling.  My legs were still shaking. 

Another first was under my belt.  My piece was the 10 minute free writing I had done in Sinclair Sexsmith’s writing workshop.  At the end I attached my answer to the photographer’s question since the two seemed to flow together nicely.  Both of these pieces are in my prior post so I won’t repost them.  The session was recorded so hopefully it will be posted somewhere so I can listen to it. 

I have to admit, after reading at the open mic I feel a bit hooked.  I want to do that again.  Dirty Queer is coming up this Friday.....

Butch

What an amazing day.  I’m so glad I attended this conference.  No matter how much I am against putting myself in a box by claiming the title of ‘butch’, I have learned that the title encompasses many things and has so many definitions.  For me, the thing about words and titles is that I can take them and define them for myself.  I am me.  Like I said to one of my friends the other night, I like to think of myself as mostly a guy but I’m not.  I’m a woman.  I like things that are stereotypically things that guys like and I present as masculine but that’s only a small part of who I am.  I am a complicated being filled with thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes with a little bit of mystery locked in there. 

Last week I answered a question that was sent to me via email from the photographer putting together the Butch Project, S.D. Holman.  The response she received for calls for models at the conference was so incredible that they had to choose who they were going to photograph this weekend.  In making their decision they asked everyone to tell them something about their butch identity.  This was my answer to them:

I challenge gender stereotypes on a daily basis simply by existing in this world. I’ve grown comfortable and almost proud of the fact that I am called “Sir” on a daily basis.  On the outside I may look like a man, but under these boots, jeans and t-shirt, I am all woman.  Comfortable and confident in these clothes and in this skin.  I am me.

This has become a part of my definition of me.  My first workshop of the day in this conference was a writing workshop.  Writing our stories, which is what I’m doing as my book project, is so important.  Everyone has a story and they should all be written down.  During this workshop we did an exercise that was basically the same free writing that I’ve been doing everyday, only we timed it for 10 minutes.  I wanted to share what I wrote during that time but became very shy.  I need to get comfortable again with reading my stuff though so I’m considering writing a piece for tomorrow’s spoken word at In Other Words and reading it during the open mic session.  I want to share with you what I wrote.

It’s interesting how the Universe brings me to places to hear exactly what I need to hear exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it.  It’s happened on a daily basis ever since jumping into the arms of the Universe.  Trusting that it will catch me. Listening to it’s guidance. Going where it takes me. Remaining present in the moment. She talked about a book I must find and read. It’s author is a Zen Buddhist. Being present. That is my goal lately. Experiencing this life. Savoring each moment, each relationship, each being I come in contact with. Fully feeling my feelings. Separating that which is not mine. Owning what is mine and finding the lesson in the challenge I’m faced to over come. Standing in my power. My power. I am strong. Fluid. Genderless. Outside of those mere words. Words are so limiting when searching to explain feelings. Feelings of loneliness, grief, love, joy, feelings.  Love.  Love being the grandest of them all.  I miss the intimate.  Miss the touch.  The kiss.  The need.  The want.  Physical contact.  We don’t experience it enough as humans.  We’re afraid to touch.  Afraid to be touched.  Why? Where does that come from? For me it stems from those first 5 days of my life spent in the cold nursery. Untouched. Unloved. Who am I? Who am I to think I can do this? Walk this new and unfamiliar path? I am me. Strong. Creative. Powerful. Loveable. Competent. Handsome.  I am butch. Aggressive. Tomboy. Boi. I am me.

This 10 minute free writing was filled with so much for me.  I have so much more to write about but I’ve got another event to get to tonight.  I will most definitely come back to this!

Whirlwind Weekend: Part 1

This weekend is filled with things to do and I'm signed up to do a lot of them.  Last nights art show kicked off the start of the Butch Voices Conference Portland and tonight Ivan Coyote, Anna Camilleri and Lyndell Montgomery brought their show, Swell: So The Story Goes, to Portland all the way from Canada.  Their stories and their music was poignant, thought provoking and humourous.  My cheeks are hurting from smiling at the knowingness and laughing at so many things with which I can identify.  I am so glad I was able to have this experience this evening. 

Needless to say, I wasn't able to fit in all of my new habits for the day.  The only things missing were practicing my guitar and shooting photographs.  My meditation this morning was a bit longer than the morning before and I'm finding that my mind is coming to rest much more quickly already.  My free writing went well, although a bit short due to an intense need for coffee and a bit of surfing on the 'net. (I really need to get a handle on that.  The 'net part, NOT the coffee.)  I went to the gym around 11:30 and spent a good hour and a half there getting a full body workout.   So, I got in my meditation, free writing and the gym. Tomorrow may be a wee bit of a challenge. 

Tomorrow is a full day of workshops at the conference then another show in the evening.  I'm really looking forward to the day though.  I feel as though I may come out of this weekend with a greater sense of self.  I plan to spend a lot of time writing about.  I will be taking my journal and my camera with me.  So, while it's most likely that I won't get in all of my new habits tomorrow, I do intend on writing and getting a few photos in.

Now.  As my Dad used to say right before putting the recliner foot rest down and sleepily walking down the hallway to bed, "My eyes are slammin' shut."  Off to bed with me. 

First Show

It’s interesting how my mind works.  I spent the majority of the day working myself into a bundle of nerves over tonight’s show.  To be fair, it was my first show so there was a lot of unknown involved and taking this step to put myself out there like that was significant enough to create a feeling of nervousness.  If I wasn’t nervous I wasn’t alive. 

Even though I could rationalize all of those fears I still felt the knot in my belly.  What was the worst thing that could happen?  For the most part, I was going to the Q Center to hang out with my friends and see some really cool art.  Plus, I’m confident in my work and my abilities so what could really go wrong?

I wasn’t able to eat much all day, needless to say, but met up with some friends for pizza before hand despite my non-existent appetite.  Turns out, it was just what I needed to begin to calm the nerves.  Spending too much time alone today didn’t help matters. 

Surprisingly, the moment I walked into the Q Center the nerves disappeared.  I felt relaxed, confident and happy to see all of my friends show up in support.  I have a tremendous group of friends and am feeling quite blessed. 

There was a great turnout for the show and I got some really good feedback on my photos.  I was also able to connect with another photographer whose work is similar to mine in that we don’t edit our photos much.  Neither of us use Photoshop.  She calls herself an organic photographer and told me tonight that she’s willing to share that title with me.  I love it.  She also gave me some great tips for printing and showing in different businesses around town.  I have some work to do next week.

Despite the distraction of the show today, I was still able to fit all of my new habits into the day with the exception of going to the gym.  I had planned on going this afternoon before the show to work off some of the nerves but I ran out of time.  Tomorrow it will be back in the routine.

All in all, I’m relieved that my first show is under my belt.  I had a great time and am glad that I chose this show to ‘come out’ in.