Day 6 – The First Day of The Juice Fast

Yesterday was day 6 of the reboot, the beginning of the juice fast.  I had a lot going on in my brain and was finally able to get it out in my journal last night before bed.

Here's what came out.

Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. All I could think about, obsess about, were my cravings. Nachos, beans & cheese, tacos, hot dogs...all things crap. Mostly.

I've found myself in another funk today. A couple of times I tried to joke about wanting food by throwing a little tantrum and found myself starting to tear up. Then I would ridicule myself for being so ridiculous because it's just food ferfucksake! After a few minutes of yelling at myself I'd calm down then five minutes later it would start again. It was like riding on those little roller coaster hills. Up and down, up and down, up and down, all day long.

Finally I thought to myself, what is it I'm actually working through here? I had to think on this a bit but I realized that I have this idea of “not enough” around both food and money. Something in my head has been programmed to tell me that I better eat now because there might not be enough later. Eat now before the money runs out! Where did that come from?

It took some time to think it through but as I was climbing in to bed last night it hit me and the memories came flooding back.

I grew up with an alcoholic Father who had a hard time holding down a job and who lived on vodka. There wasn't a lot of food in the house during my teen years. I remember walking back from the grocery store when I was 13 with three bags of food that I bought with the money I earned from my paper route. I was hungry and there wasn't any food in the house so I went and bought some.

This happened quite a bit during this time in my life. My Father was losing his grip on things and I stepped up to hold it together for as long as my little 13 year-old person could. So, perhaps this is where this programming started.

If so, it must have really taken hold at that time in my life because even though I've not gone without food and rarely without a paycheck my entire adult life, my mind still functions in this survival mode. Which makes me wonder about my thought processes around other things in life.

This isn't just a cleansing of my physical body. It's turned out to be an all around cleansing.

Day 6 - The Juice Fast Begins...

...and my mind is all over the place. I hope to get it figured out soon. I'll write more when I get it figured out.

This has turned out to be quite the emotional roller coaster for me.

Finally Made It To The Top Of The Hill!

I am happy to report that I am feeling much better today! The funk seems to be gone and so is my headache. Thankfully!

Also, today's breakfast was the bomb. Check it out!

Day 3 of The Reboot: Still Climbing The Hill

It's day 3 and I'm not feeling all that great physically. I've had a headache for the past couple of days and I feel like I'm in a bit if a fog. It's a wee bit difficult to focus and my memory is not cooperating. A bit frustrating, to say the least, but I don't blame all of this on the reboot.

Unfortunately, the very day we started this adventure was the day the wonderful (note sarcasm here) Aunt Flow decided to visit. Apparently I decided to give myself a double whammy, so, my physical issues could very well be from that alone. Plus, I didn't sleep very well the last couple of nights.

Emotionally, I still feel like I'm in a funk but I don't feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat. Thankfully.

I have to say, there is plenty of food on this reboot 'diet' so I haven't really been hungry. I've had cravings for bread but that's about it so far.

The good news, well, amongst the good news that I'm taking care of myself, is that I've dropped 8 pounds since I my last visit to the doctor in December. I feel good about that.

Here's hoping that I'll keep feeling better as the days go on!

First Day of The "Reboot" or Discovering My Emotional Attachments To Food

My lunch today.

Today is my first day on a system “reboot”. Today and for the next 10 to 15 days I will be eating nothing but fruits and vegetables. Salads, smoothies, juices and slightly cooked vegetables. I say 10 to 15 days because I'm eating all organic and I'm not sure that I'll be able to afford to make it through the entire 15 days. It's about $30 a day to do this reboot with organic produce. If I choose to eat non-organic it's about $15 a day. The thing is, I want to taste my food if all I'm eating is fruits and vegetables. I also can't stand the thought of all the chemicals used to grow non-organic produce and genetically modified foods just plain creep me out.

The idea of this “reboot” is to cleanse my body and give it a rest from the difficult work of processing foods like meat, dairy and processed foods. I'm also incorporating it into getting back into exercising and eating better in order to take better care of myself.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good today. It's amazing how much fruits and vegetables fill me up. I haven't been hungry but I've noticed that I've thought about snacking. But it has nothing to do with being hungry.

Emotionally, I seem to be struggling. I want to feed my emotions and I find myself with a sense of sadness. I know that this isn't a permanent diet and that the foods that I gave up to do this will be available to me again, albeit at a more moderated level, but for some reason my brain just hasn't wrapped around that idea. I feel as if I'm grieving the loss of my friends and I can't help but look at those feelings with a sense of wonder. After all, I am talking about food. Not people.

I miss coffee the most. I haven't had any for the last 6 days nor have I had any caffeine for the last 4 days. I've been drinking coffee off and on (mostly on) for the last 26 years. It's become a “comfort food” for me. Today is one of those days where I'd normally curl up on the couch with a book and a cup of coffee while the fire burned in the fireplace and the snow fell outside. There isn't anything in the world for me that could take it's place.

Emotional attachments to food are difficult to break, to say the least. Our memories, when they're connected to our senses, easily come back to us when one or more of our senses are triggered. The idea that food made everything okay for me when things really were not okay is difficult for me to fully accept. Before embarking on this reboot I felt pretty confident that I could control the things that I ate if it really mattered. Health reasons matter so it should be easy. That just doesn't seem to be the case when the emotional attachments come into the picture. 

From there I seem to fall into this circular pattern of criticizing myself and seeing myself as weak.  Not a good place to be.

I hope that my writing about them, acknowledging them and accepting them can help me to eventually let them go.

This isn't going to be easy.

My Theme Song For 2012

Incubus "Drive"

Setting My Goals For 2012

Seven days in to 2012 and I'm finally sitting down to write some goals for the year. I've been working days these past couple of weeks and it's thrown my schedule off more than I had expected. I very much enjoy having the evenings with my girl but my sleep has not been good and my mornings are so rushed that they start my day off a bit stressed. I haven't prioritized writing or anything else that I do to keep myself in balance. Not the best start to the new year but here I sit about to change this situation.

For the entirety of 2011 I felt pulled between my photography and my writing. I think it may have been due to the fact that I didn't have any clear goals set for the year for either of them. It felt really good this past March to get the email that lead to my first short story submission being chosen for an anthology. Many thanks to my awesome editor and friend, Heather, for helping me with the story and talking me through some things about it. I learned quite a bit in refining the raw piece of work I originally sent her way. I very much look forward to holding the book in my hand and seeing my name as a listed author. I really think that the idea that I am truly a writer will sink in once this happens.

In 2012 I would like to experience that euphoria of being published again. This means I need to start writing and submitting more short stories and/or get to working on a book. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I will more likely work on more short stories and submit them while slowly working on a book. The book may be a year or so out. Or not. I feel myself slowly getting past the fears I have around writing it so it may be sooner rather than later.

As far as my photography goes this year, I'd like to...I'm really not sure what I'd like to do with it at this point. My confidence in my abilities has fallen again. I am my own worst critic, to say the least. Plus, I can't seem to find my “style”. Perhaps that's what I should do this year. Play around with it and find my style. I am participating in another 365 day photo project with some family members on Flickr and hope to actually finish it this time. It's my third attempt at this project. An idea just popped into my head as I finished that last sentence. Projects within the project. They would certainly help me to find my style.

My big goal this year is to make it to Burning Man and take tons of photos while there. I am fascinated by this intentional community and am excited beyond measure to participate in it this year with my girl and her friends. I don't want to make any predictions about this adventure nor any plans beyond just getting there so that I can stay completely open to the experience.

This year will also be the year where I start taking better care of my physical body. My girl and I are about to embark on a juice fast detox before eating a more plant based, whole food diet. We've been watching lots of documentaries on the American food industry and have come to learn that most of the foods found in the grocery store are so over processed that they no longer contain the nutrients that came with the original source of the food. No wonder we're the most drugged society in history. Our eating habits affect much more than our physical bodies. Poor nutrition also affects our mental and emotional states. I have so much to say about this but for now, I'm going to just leave it here. If you're curious about it, I highly recommend watching Forks OverKnives and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Be forewarned, there are some disturbing slaughterhouse scenes in Forks Over Knives. People should know what happens in those places though. It's a horrible environment for not only the animals being slaughtered but also the people working in those places. There are other ways to be an omnivore. Local ranches who raise their cattle on grass and practice humane ways of slaughter (I realize that's a bit of an oxymoron.) are great places to buy meat. Much better then the stuff you get in the grocery store. Stepping of my soapbox now, I'll just end with the request to educate yourselves about the food you eat. It's important on so many levels.

To sum up this years goals I, of course, must put things in list form.

My goals for 2012

1. Write and submit at least 5 short stories.
2. Finish the 365 day photo project and include projects within the project in an attempt to find my “style”.
3. Attend and fully experience Burning Man!
4. Eat healthier and exercise at least 3 times a week.

There you have it. Or, rather, there I have it. My goals for 2012. Attainable goals and “good for me” goals. May this year be even better then the last!