The smallness and sometimes insular
feeling of my community here in Portland makes it difficult for new
people to join in. A friend of mine attended the QDoc film festival a
couple weeks ago and had an experience that I wouldn't have expected.
But, I come from a place of already knowing a lot of people in the
Portland community so, after thinking about it I came to realize that
I would have had a much different experience.
The experience she had was of one
standing on the outside looking in. Making steps to get inside,
introducing herself and talking to others, but not breaking through
the insular barrier that seems to surround our community. With her
permission, I would like to share the experience in her words.
“Last night at the QDoc film
festival I realized how much I am outside looking in. All the other
lesbians I observed seemed to fit into these stereotypical little
buckets and cliques. And they were all so territorial and aloof. I
felt weighed and judged in those up-and-down-once-over-looks we got
from all sides. What is it with lesbians and their territorial-ism?
[We] didn't know anyone there. And NO ONE except the festival
director was nice enough to speak to us. At the party afterward, the
same thing happened. (We were very 'open' in our stances and body
language). I even introduced myself to several people, but we still
ended up not speaking more than a few words to anyone. The community
is so insular. It was a surprise since both of us were really
interested in meeting some new people.
I understand that some
of this would fade if we appeared at more events and the 'tribe'
could become more comfortable with us. But I am not interested in
being rubber stamped and labeled and dropped in the right gay box.
That's what it has felt like at every event I have gone to too. What
is the answer? You are more in touch with the gay community. Am I way
off base?
Sigh-I'm not trying to be uber-negative. I guess I
just had hoped for more of a feeling of belonging to a community last
night and instead I felt more isolated than ever. It was almost like
visiting another country where I don't know the language and the
people don't really want visitors.”
When I look at this
from the perspective of the “human tribe”, I see the same thing
happening. But that's on a much grander scale. We, as humans, tend to
run with our own packs and clicks. It's happened since the dawn of
time. When we do this, though, we miss out on other amazing and
interesting people in the world around us.
I get that it could
be considered a safety issue for some and that others may not be
comfortable with reaching out to “strangers”. I am shy in social
situations, myself. Getting the courage up to talk with someone
outside of my “tribe” requires a lot of energy and a tremendous
sense of self confidence. In all honesty, who likes rejection?
Stepping outside of our realm of safety and acceptance is
frightening, to say the least, and the possibility of rejection is
very apparent.
Remembering my own
voyage into the Portland GLBT community, I really didn't know where I
fit in to any of it. I wasn't into the party scene, I was a Mom and I
worked a lot and attended college so my first introduction to the
community was via the internet. It was a way for me to look into the
community and learn a bit about it before physically stepping into
it.
 |
| The night I stepped into the community. |
After months of
communicating and interacting with others online, I finally worked up
the courage to venture out to an open mic night at a local coffee
shop. It was the perfect scene for me because it was a small group in
an intimate setting complete with art. I remember being fairly quiet
for a bit before introducing myself to a few people around me. I
don't remember much about the conversations that night or if there
were many but I do remember being included in a photograph towards
the end of the night. That simple act made me feel welcome.
I wish I could say
that I've been aware of this ever since and have made it a point to
introduce myself to people I haven't seen in the community before
but, in all honesty, I haven't. I want to change that from this
moment on, though, and ask for others in not only this community but
in communities all over the world to do the same.
At your next event,
look around and find the couple standing off by themselves or the
person on the outskirts of the crowd who looks to be new, walk over
to them and introduce yourself. Introduce them to others in your
group. Do what you can to make them feel welcome. It only takes a
moment or so and it just might make a huge difference not only to
them but to you and your friends, as well.
