Waking Up & Moving

If you've read my blog for any length of time you know how open and honest I am in my online blogging. While I don't talk about everything that's happening in my life, I do talk about a lot of things most people wouldn't talk about in a public setting. There seem to be so few of us out there in the blogosphere. I've always admired those who do blog with that honesty and openness and, for some time, I've prided myself on it. The many emails and comments from people expressing their appreciation for writing about the things I do because it makes them feel less alone in the world have affirmed for me that I'm on the right path in this space.

But, over the last year or so, I've felt a self imposed stifling in my blogging. I've come to realize that I've allowed the public-ness of the photo project to quiet me down not only here in this space but in other spaces such as the big social media sites. 

Why? Fear of people's judgements and reactions. Fear of unintentionally hurting someone. Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. All of those fears came from my own head. Not from anything that happened in the real world.

I've been denying myself and I can't allow that to continue. This place, this public place where I write about my life in an unedited way, is my space to do so. I am reclaiming that for myself. I am reclaiming my authenticity.

On the 29th of this month I will be packing up my car and driving across country to Massachusetts for a rekindled love, a new adventure and a new start. I'm both excited and terrified at the same time. My entire life is moving across country to a coast I've only lived on during my military days. It's a huge jump into the arms of the Universe. It's a giant leap of faith and it's putting a lot of trust in not only myself, but also in that rekindled love and the Universe.

Over the next couple of weeks I expect to be moving through a full spectrum of emotions as I let go of my life on this coast and embrace my life on the opposite coast. During that transition, I promise to be me. My authentic, blogging self. The good parts and the bad parts. Flaws and all. Mistakes and triumphs. Just me in all of my humanness.

A Must See

Back in 2001 while I was attending Southern Oregon University in Ashland, Oregon I took a women's studies class that focused on women in the media. Up until that point in my life I had always felt completely frustrated over the fact that I wasn't seen as an equal to the men around me. I felt looked down upon and never truly understood it.

Then I took that class. That class brought to light every frustration I had ever felt and helped me to see the source of that frustration. From that point on, I was able to point out every sexist and degrading image of women in any television show, music video, movie or advertisement. It was incredibly difficult for me to see. So much so that I stopped watching television and mostly stopped going to see movies. It affected me on such a deep level.

Right now on Netflix (which is the only place I watch programs at the moment) there is a documentary that completely sums up all of the things I learned in that class at SOU. I highly recommend watching it. Take the hour and a half out of your day or night and watch it completely. Read the facts they put up on the screen. Try not to multitask while you watch this film. Simply sit and watch it like it's the only thing you have to do during that hour and a half. You will learn so much and your eyes will open so wide.

The name of the film is Miss Representation. Please click on the link to watch the trailer or just go to your Netflix account, look it up then click on Play. Watch it through the end in it's entirety because at the end they tell you how you can help make a change. What you can do in your every day life to turn this around.

More women need to write their stories. If you've been putting it off, now is a good time to start. 

"May we all make empowering other women and girls a priority."

California

Marina del Rey

I spent the last week in August in Southern California. I also drove out to Phoenix and Santa Fe. It was a trip filled with not only project shoots but family time and a wee bit of friend time.

The project shoots all went wonderfully and I had the opportunity to hang out with some really amazing and wonderfully kind butches and femmes. I spent the first weekend in San Diego and Los Angeles. I grew up in Northern San Diego County and spent some time as a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton so driving through that area brought back so many memories. I spent many summers on the beach in Carlsbad and Oceanside, my grandparents lived in a mobile home park in Oceanside for as long as I could remember, and my son was born at the Naval Hospital on Camp Pendleton. I learned how to windsurf in Alamitos Bay,  how to body surf in the ocean and how to play volleyball in the sand on the peninsula in Long Beach. I was a total California kid.

Original home of the Youth Center

Being in San Diego brought up other memories for me, as well. It was where I came out and where I became involved with the GLBTQI community. With my then girlfriend and partner I helped open the San Diego Gay and Lesbian Youth Center. My surf board used to hang on the fence on the back porch. While I was down there I learned that the Center moved from it's original building. I hope they found a good space to be in. The house where they started is now a halfway house, I believe. It still holds lots of good memories.

Being in Los Angeles brought up a few memories, as well. Not quite as many because I only spent my senior year of high school there but there were still memories. Working at Howard & Phil's Western Wear in the Del Amo Mall after high school, driving the very recognizable 1960's Jeep that belonged to my step-Father, and playing softball. I also went through my religious phase there when I first started college. Way before I ever realized I was gay. I was looking for a sense of community and the church groups were there and willing to take me into their fold. That lasted a bit until I started asking questions they really couldn't answer.

Santa Monica Pier

I spent a bit of time in Santa Monica and met some friends there for dinner on the pier. Unfortunately, our time was cut short by a call from my Mom. My Grandmother had been in hospice care and the hospice nurse told Mom that Grandma may only be around for another few hours and that we should get down there to say our goodbyes. My friends were incredibly understanding and had my dinner boxed up so I could take off. After rushing back to my parents house to pick up my Mom, we drove down to Oceanside to say goodbye. We were met by my Uncle, Aunt and two of my cousins. I hadn't seen any of them for years. I think the last time we saw each other it was in the late 1990's.

Mom holding Grandma's hand.

Mom and I stayed the night at the care facility not wanting to leave Grandma alone. The next morning, after sleeping very little, we decided it would be best if we headed home since both of us were exhausted. Grandma was still with us in the morning and I think as we left we both wondered how long she'd fight. Turns out, Grandma fought for another 7 days. Death and dying is fascinating. The human body is capable of many things, including that last "hurrah". I missed my Grandfather's death because of distance and finances. I'm glad I was there for my Grandmother's death. Not just for me but for my Mom. 

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I spent traveling to Phoenix, Arizona and Santa Fe, New Mexico. I didn't spend much time in Phoenix. Just enough time to get a shoot in at the Zoo, wonder around a bit then grab lunch. The couple I was photographing was very sweet and took me out to lunch. It was nice to be able to have more time to chat with them before moving on to New Mexico. I made it to Albuquerque that night by about 8pm.

New Mexico Museum of Art

The next day I drove to Santa Fe and had the opportunity to meet up with one of my biggest supporters of the photo project. We had a great afternoon chat and some delicious iced tea at an adorable cafe'. Also, I asked her if she would like to participate in the project and she said she would be honored! I'm very excited to include her!

Santa Fe is beautiful, by the way. I can see why all of the creative types flock to the area. There are tons of galleries there. I stumbled upon the Chuck Jones Gallery while in search of the cafe' where my shoot was happening and had the best time reliving childhood memories of Bugs Bunny and all of the Looney Toons characters. After my afternoon photo shoot and chat, I wondered around the city in search of more galleries. On my way to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum I found the Andrew Smith Gallery of Classic and Historic Masterpieces of Photography where I found original photographs from Annie Leibovitz, Edward Curtis, Ansel Adams, Henri Cartier-Bresson, and Alfred Stieglitz (among others!). To say that I was in awe would be a gross understatement. So many amazing photographs by so many amazing photographers in one place! I really just wanted to move in and live there. Looking at their work was so inspiring. I'm not one to be star struck, but this was the one exception.

After spending the night in Albuquerque, I made the long drive back to California on Friday. I spent 12 hours doing this:

It's been mentioned to me a few times that I should be taking video documentation of this project while I'm doing it because it would be really interesting. Well, I can't afford to bring someone on my trips to video tape me so I tried taking a few videos on my own on this trip, even though I'm on my last few trips at this point. Honestly, though, I'm just not all that good at it.

See what I mean? Also, yes. I talk with my hands. A lot.

Anyway, after getting some time Friday night with my birthmother, sister, niece and nephews I headed back to Los Angeles Saturday morning for a few more shoots. Two in Los Angeles and one in Lancaster. Needless to say, it was a long day. Sundays shoots were all in the Los Angeles area and included a shoot with a butch elder of our community, Jeanne Cordova. It was truly an honor to be welcomed into her and her partner, Lynn's, home and to be able to include her in this project.

After resting a bit with my Mom Sunday evening I did my last project shoot Monday morning in the Hollywood area on a rooftop, which was awesome. It was beautiful. A great way to end my work there in California. I spent the rest of the day sleeping off a migraine and comforting my Mom after we received word that my Grandmother had finally passed that afternoon.

Early Tuesday morning I headed back to LAX to catch my flight home. By the time I turned in the rental car I had logged just over 2600 miles on the car.

Thank goodness for unlimited mileage.

Transitions

Oh my goodness! Where to start?

My life seems to be filled with lots of transitions at the moment. Not just little transitions, either. I'm talking major life transitions happening in just about every, well, actually all aspects of my life. Relationship, home and work. I'm doing my best to handle them while I continue with the Butch/Femme Photo Project and the travel involved with it.

On the relationship front, my relationship with my girlfriend ended on July 7^th. I don't wish to go into any sort of details in this public setting so I will just say that things didn't work out with us. The break-up was done with as much love and compassion as we both could muster during that time and the month that followed since I stayed at the house during that month. Even after I moved out we continued to move through this transition with love and compassion but with both of our lives in a crazy state of busy, we seem to be drifting a bit. Which may be for the best for the time being while we figure out our life from this point on and adjust to our new type of relationship.

During the first weekend of August I moved out of the house and into my son's apartment. There are 4 of us here in a two bedroom apartment. My son and his boyfriend occupy one room, their roommate another and I'm crashing on the futon with my shit stacked in the corner. It is very much a transitional space for me and I seem to be adjusting to the temporary setting while doing my best not to cramp the young one's style, so to speak.

The final transition in regards to work is something I'm dealing with as well. Again, I don't want to go into any details just yet but give me another month or so.

Needless to say, I've had a lot going on these past couple of months, but I'm doing pretty well at this point. Grief is an ongoing thing that comes in bits and pieces but I'm moving through it moment by moment and doing my best to stay present through it all. The project has helped to keep me focused and has given me something to look forward to. I just returned from the Bay Area and am getting ready to fly to SoCal Friday morning for a 12 day trip to Los Angeles, San Diego, Long Beach, Marina del Rey, Phoenix (AZ) and Santa Fe (NM) to photograph for the project and visit friends and family. Yes, this week is the week that Burning Man happens and no, I won't be attending this year. In the end, I just could not possibly afford to go. (I'm still dealing with a bit of grief around that, as well. ) But, getting to see my family will make up for it.

It'll be a good trip. Lots of much needed hugs, photographing, laughing and catching up to ensue!

An Unforgettable Day

Saturday, August 17th was a day I will never forget. In the morning, I met one of the photographers who has inspired me the most in the world of photography, Syd London. She is an amazing photo journalist based in Brooklyn, New York. I've been following her work for the last couple of years and it has influenced mine in so many ways. Story telling through photographs is such a powerful tool.

After meeting Syd, I had the honor of helping her during the shoot of her life. I can't go in to details about it just yet because it's a secret that won't be revealed for another couple of weeks, but it's huge. Being a part of that shoot and watching Syd work was an incredible honor.

Prior to the weekend, Syd emailed me to ask if I would assist her with the shoot. As we were heading back to the hotel after the shoot, Syd told me that she hasn't ever asked someone whom she hasn't ever met to assist her on a shoot. The energy of the people involved in the shoot has to be just right in order to get the shot, so it's important that you know who is helping you and what sort of energy they're bringing to the space. She said she never questioned whether or not I would bring the right energy and that if I wasn't available, there wasn't anyone else she would ask. I can't even begin to explain how much that meant to me.

In the afternoon, we both sat on a panel of photographers at the Butch Voices conference. There were four of us there and I have to say, I felt like the “youngest” in terms of experience. It was good to hear that some of the other photographers don't have a scholarly background in photography, though. I think a lot of us are self taught and those of us with the passion for it have the craving to learn it on our own. Besides, an education in photography is incredibly expensive. It's very rare that a photographer does well enough to be able to afford all of the loans associated with school. But, I digress. There was a question I answered that the moderator imposed that made me feel very “young” amongst the others. She asked me what other major projects I've done. I was honest and said this was my first. I think that, in a way, that answer surprised me as well as others. But, really, when it comes down to it, everyone has to start somewhere.

After the panel I received some really good feedback from people in the audience and from Syd. All of them said I did a good job and was articulate. I even handled a couple of situations that may have shut me down in the past. I simply refused to give that person any power over me and continued as if it didn't affect me. I won't go into details because, well, I still refuse to allow that person to have any power over me.

This day was also incredibly special and unforgettable because I had the honor of not only meeting two of my community elders who were there when our fight for equality began at Stonewall, I also got to hear them talk about those days. I listened to our history as told by the experiences of Jay Toole and Miss Major and it as incredible. If you don't know who these amazing LGBTQI elders are, please click on their names and do some research. Miss Major was at Stonewall that night when the fight began. Jay was 4 blocks away but made her way down to help with the fight. They have been leaders in the fight for transgender rights and economic justice for the people in our community for over 40 years. Their stories are stories of those forgotten in our movement.

The experiences of the day were life changing for me. Meeting one of my inspirations as a photographer, assisting her on a shoot, speaking with her on a panel, hearing her tell me that my work is good and meeting two of my community elders who were there, at Stonewall, when it all began were all amazing gifts. My heart is so full of gratitude.

Still Here!

I'm still here! My life has gotten a bit crazy with some major transitions but I'm still here and still working on the Butch/Femme photo project. I have a lot to update you all on and hope to have that up soon but for now, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm "still upright and sucking air", as my friend, Penny, would say.

Hope you all are well!

 

Texas

Wow. Has it really been almost a month since I've posted? Time is flying by! Between the project, work and family, I am definitely keeping out of trouble these days. I do miss writing, though. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. At least for now. I'm ok with that because it means the project is going strong.

This weekend I traveled to Texas to photograph participants in Dallas, Plano, Spring, Houston, and Wichita Falls. A couple days before I left for Texas I had two photo shoots on the schedule for the weekend. Shortly after posting my travel plans on the project's Facebook page I scheduled five more, which was incredible. Texas brought it!

I spent Saturday driving from Dallas to Spring to Houston and back up to Dallas. It was an incredibly long day that started at 5am and ended around 11:30pm. But, I was able to get in four shoots that day with some really incredible people. Sunday was a bit easier, travel wise, because I only had two shoots and the first one was in Plano. After that I drove to Wichita Falls for the second then drove back to Dallas. That day started at 8am and ended at 7pm, so it was easy compared to Saturday. Monday was the easiest with one shoot in the morning then I was off to the airport to catch my first flight home.

One of the shoots on Saturday in Houston took place at the Houston Museum of Natural Science in

the butterfly exhibit. It is an amazing, tropical space in the middle of Houston. As you can see from the photos I've attached to this blog post, it's just breath taking. Every where you turned there was a butterfly fluttering around you or sitting on a leaf. I was so in awe that it was difficult for me to focus on photographing the participant! As she interacted with the space and the butterflies, though, I was able to get a shot I was happy with.

I received the best compliment after that shoot, as well. She told me that she felt very much at ease in front of my lens because I am so easy to be around. This means so much to me, being a photographer working with people. As one of the top headshot photographers says, being a photographer is 90% therapist and 10% photographer. I'm so happy that my energy puts people at ease.

This project has been such a blessing. In the book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell says that it takes roughly ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. This project is not only helping me with those ten thousand hours, it's also expanding my world by being the catalyst to new friendships all over the US and Canada. Yes, the internet has that power as well, but the real life face-to-face connections can never be duplicated in the virtual world. At least in my opinion. Sitting in front of someone and listening to their story is powerful. I consider it a tremendously beautiful gift. Every one of us has a story to tell. Every one of those stories are fascinating to me.

Along with doing the shoots this weekend, I also re-connected with some family that I haven't seen in just over 15 years. My step-sister lives in Dallas and my step-brother flew in from Missouri for the week so I was able to see them both, which was wonderful.

All in all, it's been a great weekend. Despite the fact that my flight from Salt Lake City to Portland was cancelled due to mechanical issues yesterday leaving me hanging out in Salt Lake City for the evening and the better part of today. Delta has taken really good care of me though. Put me up in a hotel, gave me meal vouchers and gave me $25 to spend in the airport. Thanks for the new book, Delta. I bought Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers. They've re-booked me on an afternoon flight, which I discovered was oversold, so I'm hoping they find a spot for me. I'd like to go home now. I've heard from my “inside sources” that I'm third on the list and there are a few open seats. Fingers crossed.