On Being Homesick and Grateful

Crane Beach

Have you ever thought about doing something so big that it would be considered a major life change and thought, “I could do that. No problem. It'll be an adventure.”? Like picking up your life and moving it 3,197 miles from your family and everyone you know and love? No sweat, right? It's an adventure. You live for experiences and you love to travel and get out there and see the world!

Well, have you ever gone through with it and it turned out to be “no problem”? Because if you have, I need to know how you did it. I'm gone 3 weeks and 3 days from the town I consider my home and I'm a homesick mess.

I miss my son the most. This is the first time we've lived in separate towns, let alone clear across the country from each other. (Well, apart from being across the country from him when he was 9 months old because I was called back into the Marines for Desert Storm.) For the last 23 years, no matter what, it's always been him and I. Even if we weren't living in the same house or the same part of town we were always connected. We're still connected but now I can't just drive across town and have coffee with him or go on a hike with him or go have Terminator Milkshakes with him at McMenamins.

It. Is. Painful. So painful.

Part of me feels like a huge baby and if he's handling it well, then why can't I? The other part of me says, “Well of course it hurts. He's your son.”

He's my son.

Chances are he will eventually move out of Portland (maybe) and if I was there in Portland when he moved away, would I feel the same as I do now? Of course I would. But knowing that Portland was where he jumped off from and feeling like I'm holding a sense of space for him to come back to would be so much different then where I sit right now 3,197 miles away from the place we've called home for the last 11 years.

I miss my son. I know that somehow this distance will turn out to be good for both of us, but right now all I know is that I miss him.

I miss Portland, too. I miss the small towns in the big city. I miss being able to call up a friend and go grab a beer just for the hell of it. I miss the quirkiness. I miss knowing where everything is. I miss the queer community. I miss my friends.

There are things I haven't yet done here on the East Coast that I'm sure once I get some funds coming in and do them I'll start to feel the adventure part of this experience. One of those things being spending time with fellow photographer Syd London in New York. Seeing Times Square for the first time. Maybe even seeing Brandon from Humans of New York out and about shooting more beautiful photographs for his project. Or visiting my sister in Connecticut. Photographing a New England winter, spring and summer. Getting down to Florida to finish up my own project shoots. Meeting lots of new people.

In addition to being homesick, other things are eating away at me during this transitional time. Like the way my leaving Portland looked to a few of my close friends based off of things that were posted on a social networking site. (I swear those sites will be the death of society.) Things weren't as they seemed and there didn't seem to be any room for clarity from me. There's so much pain wrapped around that. I want to reach out but don't even really know where to start at this point. Perhaps time will make things clearer with regards to reaching out or leaving it be. I don't know.

Giving up my Oregon drivers license and replacing the plates on my car with Massachusetts plates was emotional. I took care of those things last week and almost cried at the Registry of Motor Vehicles. Seems like such an odd thing to cry about. Although, waiting for over an hour and giving up the money for it all really should have made me cry.

The good news in all of this is that after being here for only 3 weeks I've landed two part-time jobs. One at a doggie daycare here in town and another at an IT company that's only a 7 minute walk from the house. I started the IT company job today and it seems to be a good gig. The people are nice and I'm learning new-to-me software, which is always a good thing for the resume'. My mornings are spent at the doggie daycare and starting my days off with doggies makes me very happy. It sets a good tone for the day. (The job where I'm paid the least and picking up poop is where I'm the happiest. Go figure. If only I could survive on that job alone.)

In the meantime, I continue to do tons of internal soul searching trying to figure out what makes me happy and how I can get paid to do it. Since I've been here, I've figured out that wedding photography is not where my passion lies. The project is where my passion lies. Maybe after this one is done, there will be another. Writing has been heavy on my mind lately, as well. The outline of a story for a book has been making it's way into my thoughts. My Mom has been encouraging me to start writing again. I'm getting other signs from the Universe to write so I need to just do it. With the holidays coming I'm going to need a distraction. Plus, I keep hearing how terrible New England winters are so I may be buckling down inside to stay warm during my off hours. It'll be a good time to write.

Also on the advise of my Mom, I will start focusing on what I'm grateful for in each day. Starting today and every day through the end of the year I will do my best to write a blog post about that which I am grateful for. Today, I am grateful for my two jobs and the income they will provide. I'm also pretty proud of myself for landing them so soon after getting into town. I certainly hit the ground running when I got here and it's paid off.

Moved

Scarlett and I at Crane. Photo by Tracy Kali.

I've been in Massachusetts for just over a week now. Autumn in New England is gorgeous. The leaves are changing and the Autumn colors are amazing. I can't wait to get out with my camera and explore a bit.

The town where I now live is much smaller then Portland. The population here in 2010 was 13,175 so you can imagine the adjustment. Before I moved to Portland, though, I lived in Ashland, Oregon for a couple of years and the population at the time was around 19,000 so I've lived in a small town before. I really love small town living. What's nice about this place is there's a large city only about an hour away. Not that I'll be down there all that often, but it's nice knowing that it's there.

One of the really awesome perks to living here is the beach. We are about a 15 minute drive away from Crane Beach. In the winter they open it up to dogs and horses so we've been down to the beach with Scarlett a couple of times since I've been here. I can imagine spending some quiet time down there on the beach with my camera, my journal or a good book. I'm really looking forward to doing that.

This past week has been all about job hunting. I've had 3 staffing agency interviews and a few rejection letters from Liberty Mutual Insurance. I'm really hoping to find something within town that I can walk to but I'm not limiting myself. A walk to work would be ideal so I'm putting it out there into the Universe. I've applied for a couple of jobs here in town even though they're not in the accounting field. Honestly, I wouldn't mind not going back but I have it to fall back on so why not.

I've also made a connection with a local photographer who may use me as a second shooter at a wedding in May. We've made plans for me to observe her during a family shoot on the 26^th of this month so I can see how she shoots and pick her brain on anything. She's been doing photography since the mid 1980's and is willing to teach what she knows, which is awesome. I'm always open to learning from other photographers. Specially those who are making their living as photographers. It's very inspiring to me. I can't wait to make it down to Brooklyn to spend some time with Syd London. That will be amazing.

I'm missing my Portland community quite a bit this week. I keep reminding myself that I was there for 11 years and it took the better part of those 11 years to build that community so it'll take time to build another one here in New England.

Next week will be all about finding a job, as well. Any good employment juju you can send my way would be much appreciated. Once I start getting a paycheck again I can refocus on the photo project, which is what I really want to be doing.

Mid Move

As I type this post on my iPhone, I am sitting at a rest stop off the I-94 East in Minnesota. It's beautiful here, as you can see from the photograph above. I'm about mid way through my journey to the other side of the country at this point. I left Portland Sunday morning and have endured long days of driving but have been rewarded with beautiful scenery along the way.

Sunday morning's drive through the Gorge was accompanied by lots of tears, to say the least. All of the emotions that I had been holding on to poured out of my year ducts as I drove. Certain places I past brought back lots of memories that at first I thought I was saying goodbye to but later realized that I was taking them with me. Just because I'm leaving the place I've called home for the last 11 years doesn't mean I'm leaving the memories behind. They get to come with me as I make new ones and these places will always be here for me to travel back to both physically and mentally. 

A friend of mine asked me how I knew it was time for me to move away from Portland since I'd always felt I would never do so. The project has opened my world and my perspective on what I consider home to me. My world has expanded past Portland and Oregon since beginning work on the project. Traveling has become a form of healing for me, as well. So, there was a point that I came to several months ago where I began to feel the need to move on. After beginning to feel that need several other things began to happen. My connection with people from the East coast whom I now consider to be my friends and my reconnection with a past love all fell into place.

Reconnecting with my past love may seem sudden to some but our connection is intense and we have history so, honestly, there wasn't far to go. The Universe seemed to conspire to make everything fall into place. Places where our timing was very off in our past relationship have become perfectly aligned at this point. The past 5 years that we've spent apart have provided us with the growth we've needed to come back together and be even stronger as a couple. In all honesty, I never saw this coming. Which makes it so much more special.

My connection with fellow photographer, Syd London and her awesome partner Jay Toole has been such a gift. They are on the East coast and excited to welcome me there. Others whom I've made connections with through the project are excited to have me there, as well. I am looking forward to seeing what those friendships bring to our future. 

Most of my updates on this journey have been posted on my Facebook page. With the amount of driving I've been doing I've been pretty exhausted by the end of the day so I haven't made a lot of time to write. If you'd like to follow along over there, you're more then welcome to look me up and send a friend request. All I ask is that you send me a message with the request letting me know you're coming over there from here. I think this is the link: Facebook.com/Wendi.kali

Time to get back in the car and get some more miles under my tires!

Reminiscing About Portland

These past couple of weeks have been enveloped by so many different and often opposing emotions. Excited, terrified, happy, sad, shocked, adventurous, courageous, scared, and hopeful to name a few.

It's times like these that make me feel like I'm taking control of my life and doing what feels right. I'm letting go and floating down this river we call life. Sometimes excitedly looking ahead past the bend in the river to see what's coming next and sometimes just “going with the flow”. All the while doing what I can to remain present to the moments I find myself in.

Like right now. I feel the weight of the laptop on my legs, the futon under me, the headphones snug around my ears piping in beautiful ambient music as my fingers find the right buttons to push to create these words and watching the words flow from my thoughts onto the screen.

In the past couple of weeks I've spent time with friends and family here in Portland and during those moments I shared with them I was fully present. I didn't want to be anywhere else during those moments. I was savoring each and every one and reminding myself that I am surrounded by some incredibly amazing people in this life.

I thought a lot about my time here in Portland and how much growth I've experienced here. I've “come into my own” during these past 11 years. When I moved to this city I had very little self confidence and self worth. I also had very few friends. This magical place we call Portland helped me to change all that.

When I leave on Sunday I will leave with a sense of self. I have come to know me during the last 11 years. While I know I will continue to make mistakes in this life, I also know that I am learning more and more about life through those mistakes. Most importantly, I know that I can survive both physically and emotionally when life throws challenges at me.

I'm going to miss my friends and family here in Portland so very much. I'm going to miss the beautiful skyline of downtown. I'm going to miss the quirkiness, the weirdness, the beauty and the awesomeness that is Portland and the people that live in and around here. I'm going to miss the St. John's Bridge and Peet's Coffee. I'm going to miss Pastini and New Seasons. I'm going to miss the mighty Willamette and sitting by the Columbia River watching the planes land and take off. I'm going to miss my friends and family.

It's true that social networking makes me crazy, but I'm so grateful that it exists so I can keep up with everyone in between the personal contacts. I am grateful for each and every one of you in my life. Thank you for helping me get to know me. Thank you for supporting me in this journey. Thank you for being you. You are pretty fucking awesome.

Waking Up & Moving

If you've read my blog for any length of time you know how open and honest I am in my online blogging. While I don't talk about everything that's happening in my life, I do talk about a lot of things most people wouldn't talk about in a public setting. There seem to be so few of us out there in the blogosphere. I've always admired those who do blog with that honesty and openness and, for some time, I've prided myself on it. The many emails and comments from people expressing their appreciation for writing about the things I do because it makes them feel less alone in the world have affirmed for me that I'm on the right path in this space.

But, over the last year or so, I've felt a self imposed stifling in my blogging. I've come to realize that I've allowed the public-ness of the photo project to quiet me down not only here in this space but in other spaces such as the big social media sites. 

Why? Fear of people's judgements and reactions. Fear of unintentionally hurting someone. Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. All of those fears came from my own head. Not from anything that happened in the real world.

I've been denying myself and I can't allow that to continue. This place, this public place where I write about my life in an unedited way, is my space to do so. I am reclaiming that for myself. I am reclaiming my authenticity.

On the 29th of this month I will be packing up my car and driving across country to Massachusetts for a rekindled love, a new adventure and a new start. I'm both excited and terrified at the same time. My entire life is moving across country to a coast I've only lived on during my military days. It's a huge jump into the arms of the Universe. It's a giant leap of faith and it's putting a lot of trust in not only myself, but also in that rekindled love and the Universe.

Over the next couple of weeks I expect to be moving through a full spectrum of emotions as I let go of my life on this coast and embrace my life on the opposite coast. During that transition, I promise to be me. My authentic, blogging self. The good parts and the bad parts. Flaws and all. Mistakes and triumphs. Just me in all of my humanness.

A Must See

Back in 2001 while I was attending Southern Oregon University in Ashland, Oregon I took a women's studies class that focused on women in the media. Up until that point in my life I had always felt completely frustrated over the fact that I wasn't seen as an equal to the men around me. I felt looked down upon and never truly understood it.

Then I took that class. That class brought to light every frustration I had ever felt and helped me to see the source of that frustration. From that point on, I was able to point out every sexist and degrading image of women in any television show, music video, movie or advertisement. It was incredibly difficult for me to see. So much so that I stopped watching television and mostly stopped going to see movies. It affected me on such a deep level.

Right now on Netflix (which is the only place I watch programs at the moment) there is a documentary that completely sums up all of the things I learned in that class at SOU. I highly recommend watching it. Take the hour and a half out of your day or night and watch it completely. Read the facts they put up on the screen. Try not to multitask while you watch this film. Simply sit and watch it like it's the only thing you have to do during that hour and a half. You will learn so much and your eyes will open so wide.

The name of the film is Miss Representation. Please click on the link to watch the trailer or just go to your Netflix account, look it up then click on Play. Watch it through the end in it's entirety because at the end they tell you how you can help make a change. What you can do in your every day life to turn this around.

More women need to write their stories. If you've been putting it off, now is a good time to start. 

"May we all make empowering other women and girls a priority."

California

Marina del Rey

I spent the last week in August in Southern California. I also drove out to Phoenix and Santa Fe. It was a trip filled with not only project shoots but family time and a wee bit of friend time.

The project shoots all went wonderfully and I had the opportunity to hang out with some really amazing and wonderfully kind butches and femmes. I spent the first weekend in San Diego and Los Angeles. I grew up in Northern San Diego County and spent some time as a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton so driving through that area brought back so many memories. I spent many summers on the beach in Carlsbad and Oceanside, my grandparents lived in a mobile home park in Oceanside for as long as I could remember, and my son was born at the Naval Hospital on Camp Pendleton. I learned how to windsurf in Alamitos Bay,  how to body surf in the ocean and how to play volleyball in the sand on the peninsula in Long Beach. I was a total California kid.

Original home of the Youth Center

Being in San Diego brought up other memories for me, as well. It was where I came out and where I became involved with the GLBTQI community. With my then girlfriend and partner I helped open the San Diego Gay and Lesbian Youth Center. My surf board used to hang on the fence on the back porch. While I was down there I learned that the Center moved from it's original building. I hope they found a good space to be in. The house where they started is now a halfway house, I believe. It still holds lots of good memories.

Being in Los Angeles brought up a few memories, as well. Not quite as many because I only spent my senior year of high school there but there were still memories. Working at Howard & Phil's Western Wear in the Del Amo Mall after high school, driving the very recognizable 1960's Jeep that belonged to my step-Father, and playing softball. I also went through my religious phase there when I first started college. Way before I ever realized I was gay. I was looking for a sense of community and the church groups were there and willing to take me into their fold. That lasted a bit until I started asking questions they really couldn't answer.

Santa Monica Pier

I spent a bit of time in Santa Monica and met some friends there for dinner on the pier. Unfortunately, our time was cut short by a call from my Mom. My Grandmother had been in hospice care and the hospice nurse told Mom that Grandma may only be around for another few hours and that we should get down there to say our goodbyes. My friends were incredibly understanding and had my dinner boxed up so I could take off. After rushing back to my parents house to pick up my Mom, we drove down to Oceanside to say goodbye. We were met by my Uncle, Aunt and two of my cousins. I hadn't seen any of them for years. I think the last time we saw each other it was in the late 1990's.

Mom holding Grandma's hand.

Mom and I stayed the night at the care facility not wanting to leave Grandma alone. The next morning, after sleeping very little, we decided it would be best if we headed home since both of us were exhausted. Grandma was still with us in the morning and I think as we left we both wondered how long she'd fight. Turns out, Grandma fought for another 7 days. Death and dying is fascinating. The human body is capable of many things, including that last "hurrah". I missed my Grandfather's death because of distance and finances. I'm glad I was there for my Grandmother's death. Not just for me but for my Mom. 

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I spent traveling to Phoenix, Arizona and Santa Fe, New Mexico. I didn't spend much time in Phoenix. Just enough time to get a shoot in at the Zoo, wonder around a bit then grab lunch. The couple I was photographing was very sweet and took me out to lunch. It was nice to be able to have more time to chat with them before moving on to New Mexico. I made it to Albuquerque that night by about 8pm.

New Mexico Museum of Art

The next day I drove to Santa Fe and had the opportunity to meet up with one of my biggest supporters of the photo project. We had a great afternoon chat and some delicious iced tea at an adorable cafe'. Also, I asked her if she would like to participate in the project and she said she would be honored! I'm very excited to include her!

Santa Fe is beautiful, by the way. I can see why all of the creative types flock to the area. There are tons of galleries there. I stumbled upon the Chuck Jones Gallery while in search of the cafe' where my shoot was happening and had the best time reliving childhood memories of Bugs Bunny and all of the Looney Toons characters. After my afternoon photo shoot and chat, I wondered around the city in search of more galleries. On my way to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum I found the Andrew Smith Gallery of Classic and Historic Masterpieces of Photography where I found original photographs from Annie Leibovitz, Edward Curtis, Ansel Adams, Henri Cartier-Bresson, and Alfred Stieglitz (among others!). To say that I was in awe would be a gross understatement. So many amazing photographs by so many amazing photographers in one place! I really just wanted to move in and live there. Looking at their work was so inspiring. I'm not one to be star struck, but this was the one exception.

After spending the night in Albuquerque, I made the long drive back to California on Friday. I spent 12 hours doing this:

It's been mentioned to me a few times that I should be taking video documentation of this project while I'm doing it because it would be really interesting. Well, I can't afford to bring someone on my trips to video tape me so I tried taking a few videos on my own on this trip, even though I'm on my last few trips at this point. Honestly, though, I'm just not all that good at it.

See what I mean? Also, yes. I talk with my hands. A lot.

Anyway, after getting some time Friday night with my birthmother, sister, niece and nephews I headed back to Los Angeles Saturday morning for a few more shoots. Two in Los Angeles and one in Lancaster. Needless to say, it was a long day. Sundays shoots were all in the Los Angeles area and included a shoot with a butch elder of our community, Jeanne Cordova. It was truly an honor to be welcomed into her and her partner, Lynn's, home and to be able to include her in this project.

After resting a bit with my Mom Sunday evening I did my last project shoot Monday morning in the Hollywood area on a rooftop, which was awesome. It was beautiful. A great way to end my work there in California. I spent the rest of the day sleeping off a migraine and comforting my Mom after we received word that my Grandmother had finally passed that afternoon.

Early Tuesday morning I headed back to LAX to catch my flight home. By the time I turned in the rental car I had logged just over 2600 miles on the car.

Thank goodness for unlimited mileage.