Grateful For You

Today I am grateful for you.  Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read my words and for being a part of my life.  You are truly a gift and a blessing. 

Namaste.

Change Of Focus

Today I am grateful for the change of focus this project has given me. Although last night was rough, having focused on what I'm grateful for over this past month has helped me see the good in my life and in seeing that good, the bad days are not as bad as they once were.

I think I'll continue with seeing things in a much more positive light. It sure makes everything around me shine quite beautifully.

The Little Me & The Big Me

There are days when the little me has to battle it out with the big me. It's quite literally a yelling match in my brain when this happens. The little me does nothing but belittle and find some sort of proof that I'm not worthy enough. It constantly tells me how much better I can be and that no one could really love me unless I do this or that or act a certain way or not act a certain way. That I should hide my authentic self because that self is basically a lazy pile of crap.

To fight back my big self comes back with all of the great things I have done and how kind and caring and compassionate of a person I am and that the world needs more people like me in it. She tells the little me that it's wrong and has no clue of how it really is and that I do deserve to be loved and have all that I want in life.

Days like this exhaust me. As much as I try to ignore what's happening, I just can't seem to completely. Finally I give in and focus on the battle in an attempt to come to a truce of some sort. I think today I've finally made peace between the two. At least, I hope so.

As weird as it may sound, I am grateful for days like today. They force me to find love within myself for myself which, in turn, makes me a better person.

Self love is a very good thing.

The Luckiest

Sunday was spent mostly on the couch with a belly that was very unhappy.  My girl was the sweetest caregiver. 

How lucky am I? 

The luckiest. 

Some days I just don't know how I got so lucky or so deserving but I am incredibly grateful.  Bowing down on my knees kind of grateful. 

Holiday Decorations & Perfect Days

This past Saturday my girl and I took some time to put up her tree and holiday decorations.  It's our first Winter Holiday together and she has such a great house to decorate so I wanted to make it look and feel festive. 

After cooking breakfast we carried up all of her decorations from her basement then turned the Pandora Holiday song station on and sang and laughed and decorated to our hearts content. 

We even created our own little Winter town.  It's official name? The Town of Welly!  Heheheheeee....we couldn't resist.  I even got to add my John Deere truck to the town!

After decorating and spending some cuddle time on the couch, we headed over to spend the evening with some friends who cooked us this delicious meal of baked lamb (local and humanely raised), fried kale (I've been on such a kale kick lately!) and baked golden squash.  All of the recipes came from Mario Batali's cookbooks.  It was amazing and I can't wait to try the recipes myself! 

For desert, he made almond baklava! I was so stuffed from dinner but I just could not resist.  I ate two pieces.

After dinner we played a board game called Ticket To Ride, which was actually pretty fun and quick.  My girl beat the pants off of everyone!  I'm pretty sure I brought up the caboose but it was fun none-the-less. 

After saying our good nights, we headed back to my girls place and had some more cuddle time on the couch.  Mr. Bacchus needed some cuddle time, too, so he found a spot right between us. 

All in all, Saturday was one of those perfect kind of days. The kind of day where there are so many blessings and reasons to be grateful that I just can't count them all.  I seem to have a lot of those days lately.  Thank the Goddess!  I am blessed and so very grateful for each and every one of them.

Grateful To Still Be Here

This morning I visited a member of my community who has been in and out of the Intensive Care Unit at a local hospital. As I was sitting in the waiting room, which was next to the emergency waiting room, I overheard a couple of conversations that people around me were having on their cell phones. They were calls to family members or friends about the person who they were there at the hospital with. I tried to let them have their privacy but I couldn't help but over hear a few things here and there. Both seemed to have family members in the hospital for nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts. My heart ached for these people. The holidays are such a difficult time for some of us.

I know the darkness that they're in. I know it very well and was, at one point in my life, very intimate with it. I had let it consume me and it was sucking me down into it's depths deeper and deeper with each passing day. Sometimes, with each passing minute.

The year was 2008 and the holidays were in full swing. I was working both a full time job as an accountant during the day and a part time job as a team lead with FedEx Air/Ground Freight Services in the middle of the night. During that year I had experienced a lot of major life changes. The end of a relationship, my son's high school graduation, his starting college and moving to the dorms, plus another move for me. I thought I had handled everything quite well. As it turned out, I was just too busy trying to keep all of my plates spinning to actually deal with any of it at all.

My review from my day job that December was not a good one. My boss gave me an ultimatum. Quit the night job or she'd have to let me go. I felt like I had been backed into a corner. At the time, the decision was difficult to make in my heart but in my head I knew what I had to do. The day job paid more then the night job so I reluctantly gave my notice at FedEx. It was heartbreaking for me to leave FedEx as I had made so many plans to work my way up the ladder there. I loved the work and I was good at it.

A week or so into working just the day job I found all of this time on my hands suddenly. That's when all of the emotions from the past year came flooding in. It was like they laid in wait for me to be free to deal with them. To say it was overwhelming would be an understatement.

At night I would come home after work, walk my dog then fix something to eat and drink as many beers as I could in an attempt to numb the pain while watching mindless television. Thoughts swirled around in my head about everything that had happened that year. The darkness began to convince me that the world would be a better place without me in it and that all of the pain would just disappear if I ceased to exist. I remember hours spent curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor begging God or whomever to just take me. My face tear streaked and my eyes puffy. I thought of ways to make it look like an accident while out riding my motorcycle. I was about as deep in the pit of despair as one can get.

Texts or phone calls from friends would go unanswered, which is very much unlike me. Some began to worry. One of my very close friends told me later that she was planning an intervention if she couldn't convince me to see a therapist. She made me promise to go talk to someone. The darkness kept telling me that it wouldn't make any difference. Somehow I made myself go through the motions and found someone to talk to. By the time I made it in to her office I was ready to fight my way out of the hole I was in. I just couldn't bare it any longer.

It's been a long road back up through that black hole but I'm so glad to be here. To think of the pain I could have caused my friends and loved ones and all of the things I would have missed in this experience of life. I couldn't even imagine missing out on it or causing that kind of pain.

I saw my son graduate from college this year. I get to watch him create a life of his own. I am deeply in love with an amazingly wonderful woman. I am surrounded by so much beauty and love. To say that I am blessed would be an understatement.

I am grateful for those who helped pull me out of that darkness. Grateful for their help, their love, their understanding and for their presence in my life. Had it not been for them, I may not be here writing this for you.

“This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy.”  - Susan Polis Shutz

A Day of Feasting & Being Grateful

Yesterday I chose not to blog, to stay off the computer and enjoy time with the people I love.  All I wanted was to be completely in the moments and that was exactly where I was. 

Ok.  I did get a wee bit obsessed with my phone at one point during the evening but then I remembered I could take really great photos with it!  The photo on this post is of my girl's dog, Moreno, telling me how much he liked the turkey.  It was quite tasty.

There were so many things to be grateful for yesterday that I think I'll just list them this time.

* Waking up next to her.
* The smells of delicious food cooking.
*Cinnamon rolls for breakfast.
* Time spent cuddling on the couch with my girl before and after dinner.
* Time spent with my son.
* All of the wonderful people in my life.  I have the most amazing friends and family and feel so blessed to be a part of their life.
* My health.
* My sanity.
* The roof over my head.
* My car.
* My job.

These are really just a few of the many things I was (and still am) grateful for yesterday.  This is how I chose to recognize this day and every other day of the year.