Transitions

Oh my goodness! Where to start?

My life seems to be filled with lots of transitions at the moment. Not just little transitions, either. I'm talking major life transitions happening in just about every, well, actually all aspects of my life. Relationship, home and work. I'm doing my best to handle them while I continue with the Butch/Femme Photo Project and the travel involved with it.

On the relationship front, my relationship with my girlfriend ended on July 7^th. I don't wish to go into any sort of details in this public setting so I will just say that things didn't work out with us. The break-up was done with as much love and compassion as we both could muster during that time and the month that followed since I stayed at the house during that month. Even after I moved out we continued to move through this transition with love and compassion but with both of our lives in a crazy state of busy, we seem to be drifting a bit. Which may be for the best for the time being while we figure out our life from this point on and adjust to our new type of relationship.

During the first weekend of August I moved out of the house and into my son's apartment. There are 4 of us here in a two bedroom apartment. My son and his boyfriend occupy one room, their roommate another and I'm crashing on the futon with my shit stacked in the corner. It is very much a transitional space for me and I seem to be adjusting to the temporary setting while doing my best not to cramp the young one's style, so to speak.

The final transition in regards to work is something I'm dealing with as well. Again, I don't want to go into any details just yet but give me another month or so.

Needless to say, I've had a lot going on these past couple of months, but I'm doing pretty well at this point. Grief is an ongoing thing that comes in bits and pieces but I'm moving through it moment by moment and doing my best to stay present through it all. The project has helped to keep me focused and has given me something to look forward to. I just returned from the Bay Area and am getting ready to fly to SoCal Friday morning for a 12 day trip to Los Angeles, San Diego, Long Beach, Marina del Rey, Phoenix (AZ) and Santa Fe (NM) to photograph for the project and visit friends and family. Yes, this week is the week that Burning Man happens and no, I won't be attending this year. In the end, I just could not possibly afford to go. (I'm still dealing with a bit of grief around that, as well. ) But, getting to see my family will make up for it.

It'll be a good trip. Lots of much needed hugs, photographing, laughing and catching up to ensue!

An Unforgettable Day

Saturday, August 17th was a day I will never forget. In the morning, I met one of the photographers who has inspired me the most in the world of photography, Syd London. She is an amazing photo journalist based in Brooklyn, New York. I've been following her work for the last couple of years and it has influenced mine in so many ways. Story telling through photographs is such a powerful tool.

After meeting Syd, I had the honor of helping her during the shoot of her life. I can't go in to details about it just yet because it's a secret that won't be revealed for another couple of weeks, but it's huge. Being a part of that shoot and watching Syd work was an incredible honor.

Prior to the weekend, Syd emailed me to ask if I would assist her with the shoot. As we were heading back to the hotel after the shoot, Syd told me that she hasn't ever asked someone whom she hasn't ever met to assist her on a shoot. The energy of the people involved in the shoot has to be just right in order to get the shot, so it's important that you know who is helping you and what sort of energy they're bringing to the space. She said she never questioned whether or not I would bring the right energy and that if I wasn't available, there wasn't anyone else she would ask. I can't even begin to explain how much that meant to me.

In the afternoon, we both sat on a panel of photographers at the Butch Voices conference. There were four of us there and I have to say, I felt like the “youngest” in terms of experience. It was good to hear that some of the other photographers don't have a scholarly background in photography, though. I think a lot of us are self taught and those of us with the passion for it have the craving to learn it on our own. Besides, an education in photography is incredibly expensive. It's very rare that a photographer does well enough to be able to afford all of the loans associated with school. But, I digress. There was a question I answered that the moderator imposed that made me feel very “young” amongst the others. She asked me what other major projects I've done. I was honest and said this was my first. I think that, in a way, that answer surprised me as well as others. But, really, when it comes down to it, everyone has to start somewhere.

After the panel I received some really good feedback from people in the audience and from Syd. All of them said I did a good job and was articulate. I even handled a couple of situations that may have shut me down in the past. I simply refused to give that person any power over me and continued as if it didn't affect me. I won't go into details because, well, I still refuse to allow that person to have any power over me.

This day was also incredibly special and unforgettable because I had the honor of not only meeting two of my community elders who were there when our fight for equality began at Stonewall, I also got to hear them talk about those days. I listened to our history as told by the experiences of Jay Toole and Miss Major and it as incredible. If you don't know who these amazing LGBTQI elders are, please click on their names and do some research. Miss Major was at Stonewall that night when the fight began. Jay was 4 blocks away but made her way down to help with the fight. They have been leaders in the fight for transgender rights and economic justice for the people in our community for over 40 years. Their stories are stories of those forgotten in our movement.

The experiences of the day were life changing for me. Meeting one of my inspirations as a photographer, assisting her on a shoot, speaking with her on a panel, hearing her tell me that my work is good and meeting two of my community elders who were there, at Stonewall, when it all began were all amazing gifts. My heart is so full of gratitude.

Still Here!

I'm still here! My life has gotten a bit crazy with some major transitions but I'm still here and still working on the Butch/Femme photo project. I have a lot to update you all on and hope to have that up soon but for now, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm "still upright and sucking air", as my friend, Penny, would say.

Hope you all are well!

 

Texas

Wow. Has it really been almost a month since I've posted? Time is flying by! Between the project, work and family, I am definitely keeping out of trouble these days. I do miss writing, though. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. At least for now. I'm ok with that because it means the project is going strong.

This weekend I traveled to Texas to photograph participants in Dallas, Plano, Spring, Houston, and Wichita Falls. A couple days before I left for Texas I had two photo shoots on the schedule for the weekend. Shortly after posting my travel plans on the project's Facebook page I scheduled five more, which was incredible. Texas brought it!

I spent Saturday driving from Dallas to Spring to Houston and back up to Dallas. It was an incredibly long day that started at 5am and ended around 11:30pm. But, I was able to get in four shoots that day with some really incredible people. Sunday was a bit easier, travel wise, because I only had two shoots and the first one was in Plano. After that I drove to Wichita Falls for the second then drove back to Dallas. That day started at 8am and ended at 7pm, so it was easy compared to Saturday. Monday was the easiest with one shoot in the morning then I was off to the airport to catch my first flight home.

One of the shoots on Saturday in Houston took place at the Houston Museum of Natural Science in

the butterfly exhibit. It is an amazing, tropical space in the middle of Houston. As you can see from the photos I've attached to this blog post, it's just breath taking. Every where you turned there was a butterfly fluttering around you or sitting on a leaf. I was so in awe that it was difficult for me to focus on photographing the participant! As she interacted with the space and the butterflies, though, I was able to get a shot I was happy with.

I received the best compliment after that shoot, as well. She told me that she felt very much at ease in front of my lens because I am so easy to be around. This means so much to me, being a photographer working with people. As one of the top headshot photographers says, being a photographer is 90% therapist and 10% photographer. I'm so happy that my energy puts people at ease.

This project has been such a blessing. In the book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell says that it takes roughly ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. This project is not only helping me with those ten thousand hours, it's also expanding my world by being the catalyst to new friendships all over the US and Canada. Yes, the internet has that power as well, but the real life face-to-face connections can never be duplicated in the virtual world. At least in my opinion. Sitting in front of someone and listening to their story is powerful. I consider it a tremendously beautiful gift. Every one of us has a story to tell. Every one of those stories are fascinating to me.

Along with doing the shoots this weekend, I also re-connected with some family that I haven't seen in just over 15 years. My step-sister lives in Dallas and my step-brother flew in from Missouri for the week so I was able to see them both, which was wonderful.

All in all, it's been a great weekend. Despite the fact that my flight from Salt Lake City to Portland was cancelled due to mechanical issues yesterday leaving me hanging out in Salt Lake City for the evening and the better part of today. Delta has taken really good care of me though. Put me up in a hotel, gave me meal vouchers and gave me $25 to spend in the airport. Thanks for the new book, Delta. I bought Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers. They've re-booked me on an afternoon flight, which I discovered was oversold, so I'm hoping they find a spot for me. I'd like to go home now. I've heard from my “inside sources” that I'm third on the list and there are a few open seats. Fingers crossed.

Time To Find The Words

I've been back from my trip for two weeks now and haven't had time or energy to really sit with it all during those two weeks. The moments where I did write during the trip were moments of clarity. Moments where the words broke through the exhaustion and found their way to the page.

Since returning to Portland and returning to my day job, the words have disappeared. Maybe "disappeared" isn't the word I'm looking for. Perhaps they're there but just haven't found the strength to break through the stress and the frustration that my day job has gifted me with. The trials and lessons of this learning process I seem to be experiencing yet again. (What did I miss in the last lesson?)

I know the words are there. I just need to listen. Listen and be still. (Or is it "be still and listen"?)

Today is an unexpected holiday from the aforementioned day job. An unexpected blessing. I'm using it as a day to edit the photos I brought home with me. The photos will be my tool to find the words that mold themselves into memories of this great adventure I am on. Words to describe the amazing people I've met along the way and the beautiful places this project has taken me so far.

Here's to hoping.

New Jersey and Massachusetts

Long Branch, NJ

The last weekend of my week long travel for the project was spent traveling from New York to New Jersey and up into Massachusetts. On my way to New Jersey I was able to catch a glimpse of NYC and of Lady Liberty, which was pretty awesome, even though very brief. Extra time to "see the sights" was not built in to my itinerary so any glimpse of the sights was bonus for me on this trip.

Not knowing what traffic would be like driving off of Long Island, I gave myself extra time for the drive from Long Island to Long Branch, New Jersey. As it turned out, there wasn't much traffic so I made it to Long Branch with a couple of hours to spare. After stopping at a local diner for breakfast, I then headed to the ocean. It was the first time in a week that I had a moment to just sit and breathe. Water is a natural healing and grounding place for me. Anytime I'm feeling out of sorts, I'm drawn to water. It was nice to be able to sit on the beach and listen to the waves.

Lake Pleasant, MA

After the shoot in Long Branch I headed to Florence, Massachusetts, which is in the Northampton area.  Northampton is an adorable little town, by the way. I would love to go back for a visit and walk around the downtown area. Florence, the next town over, is also very cute. The shoot there took place on a beautiful farm with a creek behind it.

From Florence I drove to Millbury, Massachusetts to photograph an adorable young couple who live on the same property as a Kung Fu/Tai Chi studio. There were Buddha statues, a meditation corner and a beautiful pond. A great place for a photo shoot.

In the evening, I was able to spend a bit of time with a friend I haven't seen in close to 7 years. I also got to meet her partner and their toddler son, whom I've only seen in photographs on Facebook. Thanks to the generosity of one of the participants in Boston (and her roommates), I was able to crash on a couch Saturday night instead of spending close to $300 for a hotel room in Boston. Boston is awesome and beautiful but wicked crazy expensive.

Sunday morning I headed to Lake Pleasant, Massachusetts for a shoot next to the beautiful lake pictured above. How amazing would it be to wake up to this view every morning? It's a beautiful and not very well known lake with a 2 mile trail around it. I was lucky enough to be able to hike part way around it with one of the participants and her black lab, which was also a treat for me.

Boston, MA

My last shoot took place in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts in a beautiful park complete with a pond and hiking trails. Plus, I got to meet and photograph an adorable and very sweet Rottweiler named Ted. I swear his head was bigger then mine. 

After spending some time with the participant of the last shoot of the trip, I headed off to Boston Logan to catch my flight home. Thankfully, I managed to find a direct flight from Boston to Portland because at that point, I was ready to drop from exhaustion. Before falling asleep and shortly after take off, I snapped the photo on the right with my iPhone camera. I sure do love Boston. So much about it reminds me of Portland.

Waukesha, Roscoe, Ferndale, Toronto, Herkimer, Niagara Falls and Long Island

Participants from Ferndale and me.

It's almost 10pm in New York and I should be going to bed due to an early alarm to get up and drive to Long Branch, New Jersey then up into Massachusetts tomorrow but I just realized that I haven't updated since Denver and this may be my only chance until I get to Boston Logan Sunday afternoon.

This trip has been incredibly awesome. As exhausted as I am, looking through the photos of all of the amazing butches and femmes makes every ounce of that exhaustion worth it. I can't express enough gratitude to those who helped make this happen.

Over the course of this trip I've met the most amazing people, had inspiring conversations, been gifted soaps, candles, donations and very sweet thank you cards. I've also been to places I've never been before, and may have never have seen had I not started this project. Plus, I got to see friends I haven't seen in years and one I've known only online until now. But it was like we were friends who hadn't seen each other in years, as well.

Needless to say, I'm feeling very blessed.

Waukesha (WI) is adorable. Roscoe (IL) is beautiful country and farmland. Ferndale is the gay mecca of Michigan (did you know?!). Toronto is a huge city surrounded by beautiful country side and lakes. Herkimer (NY) is also adorable. Lots of old buildings. Niagara Falls is a tourist town these days. I learned quite a bit of history of the town from someone who grew up there, which sheds a different light on things. Much like the reality of Las Vegas and how poor a city it really is. The falls were beautiful and it was nice to be there during the off season so I didn't have to fight people to see them.

The drive from Niagara Falls to Long Island was, well, long. Eight and a half hours long to be exact. But, Long Island is nothing like I thought it would be. It's very country/coastal here, which is nice in my opinion. The couples that I photographed here like it but seem to miss being in the city a bit.

Part of me wishes I had time to do the touristy things in the places where I've been and am going but, when it comes to New York or Toronto, I'd much rather fly in and let the transportation system or the cabbies do the driving for me. It's worth the lower stress levels to me. There are a lot of people in downtown Toronto and I can only imagine that it must be pretty similar in downtown NYC. Which is awesome and at the same time overwhelming for me. But, my itinerary is packed this trip. So much so that I pretty much pass out as soon as I get into my hotel room. 

Which is what I need to do now. Pass out. But, know that I will be writing more about this trip!