Breakdown

I am a writer who is intimidated by the blank page at the moment.  This is something that I know I need to get used to but it’s still disappointing.  This sense of uneasiness in writing is difficult to deal with during this period of darkness. 

I go through these periods every so often and, to be honest, should probably be on some sort of chemical balancing tool in order to stay out of this space for longer periods of time.  Instead, I remain chemical free and out of balance. 

New Years Day brought with it a major breakdown for me and I found myself a sopping wet pile of emotion in front of a friend.  This is the sort of ‘show and tell’ that I don’t like to share with others.  It made the breakdown even more difficult for me.  Luckily, the night ended on a good note that involved beer, laughter, a portabella mushroom burger and French fries at a local pub.  In the end I was glad she was there to hand me tissues. 

I’ve struggled all of my life with actually feeling emotions.  There are times when I’m sure I’ve felt them but wasn’t totally sure of what it was I was feeling.  There are also times when I know I should be feeling something but don’t.  The lesson I learned in pushing them deep down inside was one I apparently learned a little too well.  What sort of life do you live outside of emotions and feelings?  Isn’t that what living is about? 

I have got to find a way to tap into that deep well inside me.  The one that holds all that I’ve pushed and tucked away.  There has to be a way. 

I need to feel again.