Gifts and Shame

I have a really difficult time asking for help or for things that I want. Lately I've been working a lot to heal my internal shame that creates this feeling. It's hidden in there pretty deep and I'm finding that it's probably one of the biggest struggles with self that I've ever encountered. Having a small sense of worth and belonging, which, to be honest, is sometimes worse then others, doesn't help with my internalized sense of "not good enough". This is the shame I'm talking about.

I'm finding that this is really hard to put into words.

Basically, it's hard for me to ask for help or for things that I want. I've always been one of those who spends very little on herself and always thinks twice about a purchase for herself but will never think twice about a purchase for a friend or a family member. With just about every fundraiser I come across, I do my best to pitch in somehow. I know there are a lot of people and organizations in need at this time and I don't hesitate to send any money I can their way. Whether it's $5, $10 or $20, I do what I can.

But, when it comes to fundraising for myself or spending money on my passions I balk. I have a hard time marketing myself. Not just to everyone else but to me, as well! This is why my photography business has gone quiet. This is why I haven't yet attempted any fundraising for the Butch/Femme Photo Project. This is why I haven't let very many people know about the fundraising effort my girlfriend is putting forth to raise money for a camera lens I so desperately want for my upcoming birthday and holiday in December. She created an event for it on Facebook and every time I've gone in to "invite" people I get halfway through and think, "But everyone is struggling and there's so many other people in need right now. Who am I to ask for this?" The moment I think that I click on "Cancel" then struggle with it again.

I'm not sure how to work past this. Yet. But, I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I just need to put this out there. (From my girlfriend.)

Wendi will be having a birthday in December and all she really wants is a camera lens for her new photo project. These are incredibly expensive. If any of you can spare it, I would like to get her the lens with the help of friends and family. I have a PayPal account. The email address is frisia69@yahoo.com and please pick "personal" and "gift". Any amount you can contribute would be amazing! She is so dedicated and glows when she talks about this project. If you are unsure how to use PayPal, please email me and I can help! Thank you so much for considering helping out. I know money is tight.

I know money is tight these days and I know there are so many in need right now but if you can help in any way, even if it's just a dollar, I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you.