One of My Favorite Poems

Anne Sexton

While reading through some of my journals, I came across one of my favorite poems.  I felt a pull to share it here with you.

Words by Anne Sexton

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous ones we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be good as fingers.
They can be trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.

Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, it's passionate face.

Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren't good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.

But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

Self Growth

I had fully intended on spending the day writing.  What the day turned out to be was a slow stroll through my past by way of my journals.  

 

I've kept a journal for as long as I can remember.  Unfortunately, I didn't hang on to the journals I wrote in before 1994.  I went through a period of time where the fear of someone finding them was stronger then the desire to hold on to those memories so I destroyed them.  Looking back now, I wish I hadn't.  

Reading through the journals that I have so far, there is a definite sense of self growth.  It's clear that I've been searching for my passion and my purpose for most of my adult life now.  I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse about not quite finding them yet, but it is what it is and I will continue on my search.  

One of the entries that stood out for me today was one that was made on May 14, 2005.  I was at a retreat for women through the church I was attending off and on.  More of a metaphysical/spiritual type church as opposed to the religious type.  I'm sure the retreat title had "Goddess" in there somewhere.  We spent a lot of time in guided meditations and drum circles.  The photo in this post is of me reading a couple of my poems during our "Goddess Theater" the last night of the retreat. 

The entry was from an intense morning and afternoon session where I faced some fears about this life.  The entire day I spent wanting to run away from the intensity but I forced myself to stay.  Instead of summarizing it I'll give you a portion of it to read. 

"My urge to run was so strong. But, I thought that it would be better for me to check out part way and stay in the space then to leave it completely.  It was a good decision.  I mostly stayed in meditation and mentally sang to myself.  Comforting and loving myself. 

After the exercise I came out of meditation and wasn't fully present.  I still wanted to run.  Instead I just got spacey. 

The next mediation that Maggie lead us through broke me down completely.  We were envisioning ourselves next to a river that represented life.  Then she had us jump in and float down the river trusting in it's path.  I found myself clawing at the bank trying so hard to get out because I was terrified of it.  No trust.  No faith.  Nothing.  Just complete fear and deep felt terror.  I cried through the entire exercise.  Then, when we came out of it we shared our experience within our small groups.  I held it together while everyone else shared.  When it was my turn I immediately started crying.  After I finally got my words out Celeste asked if she could hug me.  I fell into her arms and sobbed.  She just kept holding me and telling me how beautiful and perfect I am.  It was exactly what I needed.  Afterwards, I still wanted to crawl up into a ball and hide behind the alter but I didn't.  I made the commitment to myself to have more trust in life and where it's taking me."

Reading through that entry brought back that feeling of terror that I felt while in that mediation.   It also made me realize how far I've come since then.  I can honestly say that envisioning myself in that river now brings me peace.  I can float along in it in complete trust and even splash around playfully. 

It hasn't been an easy path but I'm so glad I've walked it and have these journals to remind myself of just how far I've come.  For all of my emotional work and those that have helped me to get here, I am eternally grateful.  

Before I left the retreat I made a commitment to myself to continuously discover my authentic self and to love and accept myself exactly as I am.  It's nice to see that I followed through with that commitment and am still on this path.

Feeling Handsome

Growing up, all I ever wanted was long hair that I could "feather" on the sides.  I was a child of the '80s so I went through the mullet phase as a high school softball player.  (First base, catcher and left field - booya!)  Yeah.  That was me.

When I finally cut it short before I came out I was concerned about it looking too masculine.  Shortly after I came out I went shorter but didn't quite have the guts to get it buzzed. 

When I finally got my first buzz cut I admit that I was a little hesitant about it but at the same time I felt incredibly free.  I not only felt free, I felt empowered and handsome.  Yes, handsome.  Ever since then, feeling handsome feels good.  No.  Even better.  It makes me feel incredible! 

So, needless to say, getting a haircut always picks me up and today I got a haircut so today I am grateful.  Grateful for haircuts and I'm even grateful for my gray hair.  I earned every one of them.

A Kale Chips, Lentil Soup, Wine & Dancing In The Kitchen Kind of Day

This relaxing Friday was spent mostly on the couch with my wonderful girl watching movies.  This afternoon we decided to make lentil soup.  While she chopped the onions and diced the garlic I sliced the celery, carrots and kale.  Of course, we broke out the wine and created our own version of My Drunk Kitchen.

After realizing there was much more kale then we needed for the soup I decided to try my hand at making kale chips.  If you haven't tried kale chips, you must.  They are incredibly easy and amazingly yummy.  Just slice up some kale, spread the pieces out on a cookie sheet, sprinkle them with olive oil then salt and pepper. Roast at 375 degrees for about 10 minutes or until they are crunchy.  East with some bread and a strong flavored cheese like fresh blue cheese or a nice Havarti dill.

The highlights of this day are many but the one that stands out the most is dancing around the kitchen with my girl and all three dogs while the soup simmered.   The sounds of jazzy music in the background and the delicious smell of lentil soup and laughter filling the air.  Those moments couldn't be more perfect.  For them, I am blessed and grateful. 

Words & Writing

I've decided to avoid numbering my post titles in an attempt to be a bit more creative with this project.  After all, this post is about words and writing. 

As much as I struggle to find them at times, words are as important to me as air.  Writing is another form of breathing.  Sometimes the breath is smooth and steady and other times it's hard and labored, much like life.  For me, writing is a way to discover myself and articulate the emotions I'm feeling.  It isn't always easy for me to do, articulate my feelings and emotions, but I do my best to try.  Not only with myself but with those I love. 

Sometimes the feelings are so strong that it's almost as if I'm being pushed to express them, to put them into words and to tell that person what I feel.  Perhaps it's the Universe's way of communicating to them, through me.  Maybe it's just that we don't say things to each other often enough.  Good things.  Nice things. 

"I think you're awesome."
"You are beautiful inside and out."
"I was thinking of you today and just wanted you to know."
"You can do anything you set your mind to."
"I'm proud of you."
"I'm proud to be your friend."

Good things.  Nice things.  Things that make us not feel so alone or unnoticed. 

Words are powerful and I am so grateful for them.  They give me the ability to express my feelings and communicate with my friends and loved ones.  They have the power to melt my heart, get it racing and make me think. 

Writing brings me more joy and more sorrow than you could ever imagine.  For instance, this blog post is not exactly what I had in mind but it'll do.  It's somewhere in between the joy and sorrow spectrum.  But other things that I've written, the short stories Her and First Ride, those bring me great joy because they flowed from my heart and onto the page almost effortlessly.  It's those times when I'm most in touch with me that the writing flows in copious amounts and the joy from it follows.

So, today I am grateful for words and writing and all of the emotions and life that they both create and express. 

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.  ~Richard Wright, American Hunger, 1977

Thirty Days of Gratefulness - Day 2

I think all of us, at one time or another, have been in therapy.  It seems to be the human thing to do anymore.  Understanding ourselves better helps us to grow and heal from past traumas in order to have healthier and happier lives. 

I am no exception to this rule.  I've spent many years in therapy trying to get past the hurt and the anger and every other emotion associated with sexual abuse.  It's been a long, hard road but I'm still here and I'm stronger because I've traveled this path.  I am also much more understanding of not only myself but of others who are on this path of growth and healing. 

Today I am grateful for this road I have traveled and the understanding that it has brought to me. 

Today I sit in this peace and hold vigil for those who are traveling on this path with me. 

You are brave, strong and inspiring. 

Thirty Days of Gratefulness - Day 1

From time to time I get into a funk and struggle with seeing the good in my daily life and one way I've found that helps me to get out of this line of thinking is to find one thing in my day that I'm grateful for.  So, for the month of November I am going to post daily and tell you about the things I'm grateful for in my life. 

Today I am grateful for my job.  The one that currently pays the bills and pays for mine and my son's medical, dental and vision insurance.  It's not my dream job by any means but the people here are good people and the owners actually care about their employees.  You just don't come across that very often these days, unfortunately. 

I get to work a swing shift which means I can still have lazy mornings even when I have to go to work and I get to work four ten hour shifts which gives me three day weekends every weekend.  Although I haven't fully taken advantage of the time off I have for more writing and photography, the opportunity is there.  For this, I am grateful.