Where My Thoughts Are Lately

Photo by Del Rapier

I know I've been pretty quiet lately. I haven't been prioritizing writing at all lately and I miss it. Terribly. But, lately when I sit down to write I don't even know where to start so I sit there in front of the screen completely frozen. So, this morning I'm just going to get some things out. Things that have been in my head as of late.

Lately, I've found myself re-reading my last post over and over again. Moments when I feel less secure or when I feel myself slip back into old relationship patterns. The ones that are dictated by my fear of abandonment. The fear I've carried since those first 5 days in this plane of existence.

I've been immersed in Brene' Brown's book about shame titled "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)" and it's brought up a lot of stuff for me. Mostly, it's sort of putting the pieces of the puzzle together in that I can more clearly see the feelings that surround that fear of abandonment. Shame, feelings of not being enough, unlovable, and unnecessary. Being vulnerable with someone I love can be terrifying because of that fear of abandonment. What if they see all of me and fall out of love or discover they never really loved me in the first place? Not being vulnerable with them makes me feel 10 million miles away from them when all I want is to be close and feel connected.

We all just want to belong and to be loved.

Even as I type this I can hear this voice in the back of my head teasing me and taunting me about feeling this way. "No one wants to see this dribble. Who cares how you feel. Stop being so weak and suck it up."

Then my rational side kicks in and reminds me that this is being vulnerable and that being vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. It's not about weakness at all. Also, stay in the moment. Remember what you wrote about love and having forever with yourself? That if you get that forever with someone else, it's a bonus? Enjoy these moments. Be here now.

Let the stories of your past go. Don't let them dictate your future.

Lessons of Love

It's taken me almost 43 years on the planet but I've finally learned some lessons about love. Granted, I'll be continuously reminding myself of these lessons and I'm constantly learning more, but I feel as though I'm finally "getting" it.

The most important lesson of them all, and the one I'm going to write about now, is that the idea of "forever" really only pertains to my relationship with myself. It sounds cliche' but it's true that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone to love you. I sometimes have to work on this minute by minute but in those difficult times, I do come around to the idea and give myself gentle reminders.

I've always believed in "the one" yet always struggled with the how and why and when. How can I believe in forever if I can't find the one? How do I find the one? Why doesn't she seem to exist? If she does, when do I get to the forever with her?

Each time I've fallen in love I've done it completely and whole heartedly, so why isn't the forever happening?

The forever didn't happen because I confused falling in love with "making myself the person you want to be with" and thereby negating the person that I truly am inside. It took 40 years for me to figure that out so I'm still discovering who I am. Luckily, I've found someone who is doing the same sort of inner work and so far we're a good match. 

In the past 3 years I feel like I've grown by leaps and bounds as far as love and relationships are concerned. Open communication is something I struggled with inside of a love relationship but now I just want to say it, get it out there, let it be known and deal with it. I don't want to waste time playing games or feeling hurt because of something someone else did and my perception of it consumes my thoughts. Life is too fucking short to spend time doing those things when I could be experiencing more love and intimacy with my partner. The sort of intimacy that comes from communication, openness and honesty is what my heart craves.

The forever hasn't happened because it really doesn't exist with someone outside of myself. The idea of it is still amazing and awesome and something I would welcome with an open heart but my expectation of it has changed. I don't expect to spend forever with anyone but myself. (Forever meaning the rest of my days on this planet, just to be clear.) If I do end up getting to spend forever with someone then bonus! But, the intensity of the love that needs to be there in order for that to happen has to start with me. I have to love myself that intensely before I can expect anyone else to be able to do the same.

Bottom line is, the only moment I have in this life is this one. To experience it, I mean fully experience it, I have to be here for it. Mind, body and soul. I have to be fully present in it and be grateful for the love I have in this moment. Everything else is just a dream. As the saying goes, the past is gone and the future is but a dream. All we have is the present.

Or something like that.

I think this says it best; “Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Of course, all of this is in the forefront of my thoughts because I've recently made the leap of moving in with my girlfriend officially official. By that I mean that I've finally changed my address at all of the "important" places. I've perceived it as a scary thing for me based on what's happened to me in the past once I've gotten to this point. Yes, the past is good for lessons but it's important not to cling too tightly to those lessons that don't encourage growth. Hopefully that makes sense. My past love life taught me to be cautious and caused me to build quite the wall around my heart but by doing that I miss out on so much. I could hang on to that perspective and continue to love with a cautious heart or I could change my perspective and find a way to experience more love within a relationship. This is what I'm doing with this relationship and it's been incredibly good for me. There are still times when I find myself falling into that walled up place but I'm continuously getting better at recognizing it, thankfully.

Now I'm rambling but bottom line is I'm so grateful for these lessons, for this moment and for this love.

It's all very good stuff.

Butch/Femme Photo Project Gets A Facebook Page

 

I just wanted to let everyone know that my Butch/Femme Photo Project now has it's own Facebook page! It's another way for me to get the word out about the project so please check it out, "Like" it and share it far and wide! 

https://www.facebook.com/ButchFemmePhotoProject

I have three photo shoots lined up this weekend for the project so an update to the page will happen soon! Thank you all for participating, supporting and encouraging me to keep going with this project!

Gratitude, Gifting and Grandpa

An awesome TEDx Talk by John Styn.

His grandpa reminds me of mine. He focused on the positive in life, too. How could you focus on anything else with a name like A. Happy Haskell?

Take a 17 minute break and watch this video. It's totally worth it.

Gratitude

I'm hearing from more and more of you out there since announcing the Butch/Femme Photo Project and I just wanted to take a moment to stop and show my gratitude. Your comments and your emails motivate me to continue with writing and with the project. It truly is a project that comes from my heart.

Thank you. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for being comfortable enough and trusting enough to do so with me. Thank you for your encouragement and motivation to continue to do this project and write in this blog. Every one of your comments and emails are important to me.

Thank you for being you.

As a quick update on the project, I have a few more photo shoots lined up within the next few weeks so look for updates along the way. I'm thinking that as soon as I get those posted I will begin with the task of fundraising for travel expenses around the states and possibly up to Canada so I can capture all of the participants who are out of my immediate area. So, if you're one of those participants, I hope to see you soon!

My Virgin Year At Burning Man

This year I was gifted with the opportunity to attend the Burning Man festival in Black Rock City, Nevada. If you don't know what Burning Man is, the best I can do is lead you to the web site. Everyone has asked me all about it and I'm finding that I just don't have the words to fully encapsulate the experience.

Burning Man is so hard to describe. It's almost sadly difficult to describe but only in the sense that the world and the society in which we live is running at such a fast pace and most everyone in it is connected but mostly in a virtual way. At Burning Man, I was completely disconnected from the virtual world and was fully connected to the world and everyone around me in a very real way. It was amazing, to say the very least.

The human connection and the connection that I used to feel to everything around me are connections that I had been craving. That connection, that feeling of being connected to everyone and everything, was all over Black Rock City. Everyone was so happy to be Home. Not one person greeted me with a simple handshake. Every greeting was met with a hug and not just a quick pat-on-the-back hug, these were from the heart, full embraces. The way hugs are supposed to feel. The hugs that you get when you know that the other person really sees you.

Going to Burning Man felt very much like a spiritual journey for me. My greeter at the gate was perfect for this journey, as well. First she gave me a big hug and said, "Welcome Home!" Then before she handed me the pipe to ring the bell with she pointed to where we had just come from and said, "There is your past," then pointing to where we were going she said, "this is your future. Ring the bell with all of your intentions for your week's experience and for your future."  That is exactly what I did. My intention was to open up my heart to whatever the week and the playa gifted to me.

I went Home in so many ways. Home to where everyone reconnected with each other and the world around them. Home to where I reconnected with myself.  Home to where I reconnected with everyone and everything around me. All of that reconnection has opened my eyes to the people and the world around me. Not to sound like the movie quote but, I SEE people. Seeing people makes me want to connect with them more even in the virtual world. I don't feel like I could just "Like" something on Facebook anymore. I'm more drawn to actually comment because it feels more to me like I'm connecting with them.

Hopefully, I can hold on to this feeling and I think I can. I have to remain conscious of it though and not allow myself to get so lost again. Staying present in the moments that I have are of utmost importance. Keeping site of my priorities, which is staying connected to myself, my family, my friends and the world around me is top priority. Everything else is just stuff, really. 

 Of course, while at Burning Man I took A LOT of photographs because it's a photographer's paradise. I've posted them all to my Flickr account if you'd like to check them out. I'll slowly add descriptions as I can. It's taken me 2 days to actually get through all of the photos so it'll take some time to get them all settled. They are in chronological order, within the set, from setting up camp (and resetting up camp after we were hit by what was actually a dust devil but what we're calling a tornado) to the sunrise of the last day and the sunset of last Thursday when my love took me on a surprise spa day to Bonneville Hot Springs.

New Adventures, Butch/Femme Photo Project and Loss

Photo by Del R.

These past few weeks have gone by in a bit of a whirlwind. On July 22nd I officially registered my photography business with the state of Oregon and the city of Portland. I am officially a small business owner. I even have a brand new website, wendikaliphotography.com. Also, I am now a member of the Professional Photographer's Association.

If I thought I was jumping in with both feet when I left the accounting world, I was only partially right. NOW I'm jumping in with both feet. It's exciting and terrifying all at once. But, I plan to take it slow and go at it part-time for as long as I need to make it into a full-time gig. My goal is to get there within the next year and a half. During that year and a half I'll be working 7 days a week but if that's what it takes to make this dream a reality, then that's what I'll do. I am in love with photography and everything about it. It is my heart and my passion. Being behind the camera and seeing the world through the lens feels as natural as breathing to me.

The Butch/Femme Photo Project has been very well received by the community all over the US and even a few up in Canada! I've received some beautiful and heartbreaking answers to the questions I sent out to all who wish to participate. I am deeply touched by their willingness to share so openly and so freely. Their stories are so important and they should be heard and remembered.

So far I've had two photo shoots with project participants! I have four more scheduled this weekend, too! Meeting participants and photographing them has been incredibly inspiring and motivating. This project includes some pretty incredible and amazing people. I'm really very excited to see how it progresses. I'm considering creating a blog for it but haven't quite decided on that piece just yet. Once I get more images together and edited I hope to figure that out.

Last Tuesday brought some heartbreaking news for me. A beloved ex co-worker and her daughter were shot a week ago this past Sunday. Victims of domestic violence, which saddened and angered me all at once. Her daughter survived and was just released from the hospital today. She suffered 5 gun shot wounds. My co-worker and friend, Norma Jean Perrone, didn't survive. My heart aches for her and her family. She was a tremendously bright light in this ever darkening world.

This evening one of the motorcycle riding groups that she was a part of organized a memorial ride in honor of her. I took the night off from work to attend. I wasn't going to miss it for anything. We met up at Latus Motors in Gladstone, Oregon and rode out to Multnomah Falls for a candle light vigil. There were over 150 riders there. It was a beautiful memorial that soothed my saddened heart. The photos that I took tonight can be seen on my Flickr page.

Life is so precious.

In addition to all of these happenings, I've been preparing to go to Burning Man. Needless to say, life has been a bit crazy. Lots of good and a little bit of sadness. Not a bad balance if I do say so myself.