Be Thankful Every Day

I am thankful for you.

Peace and blessings.

Gifts and Shame

I have a really difficult time asking for help or for things that I want. Lately I've been working a lot to heal my internal shame that creates this feeling. It's hidden in there pretty deep and I'm finding that it's probably one of the biggest struggles with self that I've ever encountered. Having a small sense of worth and belonging, which, to be honest, is sometimes worse then others, doesn't help with my internalized sense of "not good enough". This is the shame I'm talking about.

I'm finding that this is really hard to put into words.

Basically, it's hard for me to ask for help or for things that I want. I've always been one of those who spends very little on herself and always thinks twice about a purchase for herself but will never think twice about a purchase for a friend or a family member. With just about every fundraiser I come across, I do my best to pitch in somehow. I know there are a lot of people and organizations in need at this time and I don't hesitate to send any money I can their way. Whether it's $5, $10 or $20, I do what I can.

But, when it comes to fundraising for myself or spending money on my passions I balk. I have a hard time marketing myself. Not just to everyone else but to me, as well! This is why my photography business has gone quiet. This is why I haven't yet attempted any fundraising for the Butch/Femme Photo Project. This is why I haven't let very many people know about the fundraising effort my girlfriend is putting forth to raise money for a camera lens I so desperately want for my upcoming birthday and holiday in December. She created an event for it on Facebook and every time I've gone in to "invite" people I get halfway through and think, "But everyone is struggling and there's so many other people in need right now. Who am I to ask for this?" The moment I think that I click on "Cancel" then struggle with it again.

I'm not sure how to work past this. Yet. But, I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I just need to put this out there. (From my girlfriend.)

Wendi will be having a birthday in December and all she really wants is a camera lens for her new photo project. These are incredibly expensive. If any of you can spare it, I would like to get her the lens with the help of friends and family. I have a PayPal account. The email address is frisia69@yahoo.com and please pick "personal" and "gift". Any amount you can contribute would be amazing! She is so dedicated and glows when she talks about this project. If you are unsure how to use PayPal, please email me and I can help! Thank you so much for considering helping out. I know money is tight.

I know money is tight these days and I know there are so many in need right now but if you can help in any way, even if it's just a dollar, I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you.

Writing

I'm not sure where this image comes from. I like it.

This year I've decided to accept the challenge of participating in NaNoWriMo. It's National Novel Writing Month and it's all about writing a novel in 30 days. That's 50,000 words in 30 days. If you've ever written a story, or not honestly, you'll know just how crazy this is. It's a pretty steep challenge.

I think most participants write stories but I've decided to use it to start working on a memoir of sorts. My story. Everyone has one but not everyone writes it down for one reason or another.

Through blogging and online journals I've discovered the value in sharing your story. People who read my posts have emailed me or commented that they can somehow relate and they're glad they're not alone in those feelings. Because of this discovery, I've been wanting to work on a memoir.

It isn't about how I survived the wild after trekking out on my own or how I survived a bus crash in a third world country but it is about how I survived life itself. How I got to this time in my life where more and more things are starting to make sense, even though the rest of the world seems a bit crazy at the moment.

It's about how I came out, the way I move and present in the world, how I got to that point in my life where I figured out that living a miserable life that looks nothing like the life I wanted was just not worth it anymore. Throwing away a career and a way of life, namely being able to pay the bills and save a little. Not to mention the respect of a few people.

For this challenge, in order for me to hit the target of 50,000 words in 30 days I have to write an average of 1,667 words per day. The first day was a breeze. I pounded out over 1,700 words but the last two days were a bit more difficult, to say the least. I realized today that I'm bringing to my consciousness things I hadn't thought about in years. Things that I may or may not have worked through during the course of my life. Hard things.

So, the writing slowed. But, I'm not going to belittle myself for it. The fact is, I sat down to write at some point during each of the last 3 days. Writing is something I've missed more then anyone could ever imagine. Writing, for me, is like breathing. Sometimes each word is a breath, other days every other word is an inhalation and every other word is an exhalation. Then there are the days when every character is a breath because the flow is so quick and I just can't write fast enough to get the words out of my head and if I don't keep up with the words my world will end!

But, the most important thing is to write. No matter how many words, how much time I spend doing it, or whether or not I create a story. The most important thing is to write. 

Happy Samhain/Halloween!

 

May the ancestors deliver blessings on you and yours...
May the new year bear great fruits for you...
May your granted wishes be as many as the seeds in a pomegranate...
May the slide into darkness bring you light...
May the memories of what has been keep you strong for what is to be...
May this Samhain cleanse your heart, your soul, and your mind!
--- traditional Samhain blessing

Butch/Femme Photo Project In It's First Gallery Show!

I am so happy to announce that the first eleven photographs in the Butch/Femme Photo Project will be featured in TransConnect Resource and Cultural Fair gallery show titled "Femme, Butch, Queer & Trans Intersection" at the Portland Q Center next month! They will be hanging at the Center for the entire month of November and ten of the eleven pieces will be a part of a silent auction to raise funds for the Q Center and the Order of Benevolent Bliss’ working and grants funds!

If you're in the area, the gallery show and reception will take place on Saturday, November 17th at 5pm. Come by, say hello and check out the photographs in print form!

Below is the flyer with all of the information on the Fair's happening.

Where My Thoughts Are Lately

Photo by Del Rapier

I know I've been pretty quiet lately. I haven't been prioritizing writing at all lately and I miss it. Terribly. But, lately when I sit down to write I don't even know where to start so I sit there in front of the screen completely frozen. So, this morning I'm just going to get some things out. Things that have been in my head as of late.

Lately, I've found myself re-reading my last post over and over again. Moments when I feel less secure or when I feel myself slip back into old relationship patterns. The ones that are dictated by my fear of abandonment. The fear I've carried since those first 5 days in this plane of existence.

I've been immersed in Brene' Brown's book about shame titled "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)" and it's brought up a lot of stuff for me. Mostly, it's sort of putting the pieces of the puzzle together in that I can more clearly see the feelings that surround that fear of abandonment. Shame, feelings of not being enough, unlovable, and unnecessary. Being vulnerable with someone I love can be terrifying because of that fear of abandonment. What if they see all of me and fall out of love or discover they never really loved me in the first place? Not being vulnerable with them makes me feel 10 million miles away from them when all I want is to be close and feel connected.

We all just want to belong and to be loved.

Even as I type this I can hear this voice in the back of my head teasing me and taunting me about feeling this way. "No one wants to see this dribble. Who cares how you feel. Stop being so weak and suck it up."

Then my rational side kicks in and reminds me that this is being vulnerable and that being vulnerable takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. It's not about weakness at all. Also, stay in the moment. Remember what you wrote about love and having forever with yourself? That if you get that forever with someone else, it's a bonus? Enjoy these moments. Be here now.

Let the stories of your past go. Don't let them dictate your future.

Lessons of Love

It's taken me almost 43 years on the planet but I've finally learned some lessons about love. Granted, I'll be continuously reminding myself of these lessons and I'm constantly learning more, but I feel as though I'm finally "getting" it.

The most important lesson of them all, and the one I'm going to write about now, is that the idea of "forever" really only pertains to my relationship with myself. It sounds cliche' but it's true that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone to love you. I sometimes have to work on this minute by minute but in those difficult times, I do come around to the idea and give myself gentle reminders.

I've always believed in "the one" yet always struggled with the how and why and when. How can I believe in forever if I can't find the one? How do I find the one? Why doesn't she seem to exist? If she does, when do I get to the forever with her?

Each time I've fallen in love I've done it completely and whole heartedly, so why isn't the forever happening?

The forever didn't happen because I confused falling in love with "making myself the person you want to be with" and thereby negating the person that I truly am inside. It took 40 years for me to figure that out so I'm still discovering who I am. Luckily, I've found someone who is doing the same sort of inner work and so far we're a good match. 

In the past 3 years I feel like I've grown by leaps and bounds as far as love and relationships are concerned. Open communication is something I struggled with inside of a love relationship but now I just want to say it, get it out there, let it be known and deal with it. I don't want to waste time playing games or feeling hurt because of something someone else did and my perception of it consumes my thoughts. Life is too fucking short to spend time doing those things when I could be experiencing more love and intimacy with my partner. The sort of intimacy that comes from communication, openness and honesty is what my heart craves.

The forever hasn't happened because it really doesn't exist with someone outside of myself. The idea of it is still amazing and awesome and something I would welcome with an open heart but my expectation of it has changed. I don't expect to spend forever with anyone but myself. (Forever meaning the rest of my days on this planet, just to be clear.) If I do end up getting to spend forever with someone then bonus! But, the intensity of the love that needs to be there in order for that to happen has to start with me. I have to love myself that intensely before I can expect anyone else to be able to do the same.

Bottom line is, the only moment I have in this life is this one. To experience it, I mean fully experience it, I have to be here for it. Mind, body and soul. I have to be fully present in it and be grateful for the love I have in this moment. Everything else is just a dream. As the saying goes, the past is gone and the future is but a dream. All we have is the present.

Or something like that.

I think this says it best; “Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Of course, all of this is in the forefront of my thoughts because I've recently made the leap of moving in with my girlfriend officially official. By that I mean that I've finally changed my address at all of the "important" places. I've perceived it as a scary thing for me based on what's happened to me in the past once I've gotten to this point. Yes, the past is good for lessons but it's important not to cling too tightly to those lessons that don't encourage growth. Hopefully that makes sense. My past love life taught me to be cautious and caused me to build quite the wall around my heart but by doing that I miss out on so much. I could hang on to that perspective and continue to love with a cautious heart or I could change my perspective and find a way to experience more love within a relationship. This is what I'm doing with this relationship and it's been incredibly good for me. There are still times when I find myself falling into that walled up place but I'm continuously getting better at recognizing it, thankfully.

Now I'm rambling but bottom line is I'm so grateful for these lessons, for this moment and for this love.

It's all very good stuff.