False Evidence Appearing Real

A few days ago I started creating a Kickstarter campaign to try and raise funds for the Butch/Femme Photo Project. I've been putting it off for several reasons. One being fear, or as my Mom taught me, false evidence appearing real. I can create stories in my head that will make me second, third and fourth guess pretty much anything I decide to do. The trick, for me, is to just keep plowing through those thoughts and continue on the path. In other worlds, face everything and rise.

The other reason has to do with my own self worth. Both as a human and as a photographer. This project will take quite a bit of funding to complete which made me stop and work through the thoughts of not being "good enough" or "deserving enough" to make this happen. Needless to say, it's been a very good learning experience.

Over the course of the past few days I've been writing about the project and why I'm doing it. The "push" I felt from the Universe to do it was/is so intense but the words needed to fully capture that intensity have escaped me. At least, up until now. My brain seems to have been obsessing about it all night, as I didn't get much sleep, and this morning the words seemed to have finally come together. For the most part. I'm not entirely sure that words can fully embrace the passion I feel in my heart about this project but they seemed to have come close.

With the write up complete, all that is left is to create a short video and to get the Amazon payments account set up and verified. Baring any problems with either, the campaign should be up and running by the end of next week! I'm a wee bit nervous about it but I'm going to stay focused on the positive and know that if it's meant to be it'll be.

Losing My Religion

There was a time in my life when I believed in a “Universal Presence”. An energy that filled the spaces in between. If I “fed” it enough positive energy and positive thoughts I could make positive things happen. I was a member of the Center For Spiritual Living (the church that Ernest Holmes started with several others) and was studying to be a practitioner. I wanted to become someone who could help others by doing “treatments”, otherwise known as prayers, and always seeing them as whole, happy and complete. But, life happened and finances kept me from continuing on that study path.

A couple years after that I craved a spiritual outlet (or inlet depending on your perspective) so I looked into Zen Buddhism. Meditation was always the foundation of my spiritual house and, at the time, I needed to learn how to be more present in the world. After attending a 3 day silent retreat at a monastery in Clatskanie, Oregon I began my Zen practice at a local zendo here in Portland. I found the practice to be very enlightening and benefited greatly from my daily sitting.

But, as I became more connected to the world around me I felt it's profoundly heavy pain and sorrow. So much so that it scared me. So I stopped. I stopped sitting, stopped meditating, stopped trying to be present and mindful. I cut off the connection and felt myself become bitter to the world.

It's been close to four years since I've had a meditation practice. Four years of being disconnected from everything in the world besides what and who I choose to be connected to. I've always been a spiritual person in some way, shape or form so to be without it now somehow makes life feel....empty.

So the question is, can I get back to it? Can I be spiritual again after this time of complete and utter bitterness? Can I get past the cynicism at this point? If not, is there anything else out there? Something I can believe in? Not just follow blindly but actually believe in?

I don't know nor do I know where to start. Perhaps a good place to start is to try meditation again. Do what I can to focus on the positive.

Chop Wood. Carry Water.

Pardon my absence from the blogging world these past few months. Words that once flowed freely have been dammed by some unknown force. Add to that the wicked busy work schedule and stress with my day job and things seem to go even further down hill.


I'm hoping a small break will help create a break in the dam. Perhaps when the holidays are through, things will settle down and I'll be able to "hear" them.

The Butch/Femme photo project has been put on hold through the holidays, as well. In January I will put together a Kickstarter campaign and see what happens.

Hope all is well in your world.

Peace.

Black Friday

In the great words of my friend, Nik Kel, "I encourage you: if you have plans for black Friday, consider spending that money by donating to causes you are motivated and invested in. Because that is truly something to be thankful for: having the ability to give and to help make the world a better place."

Some causes that you might consider:

My current photo project, The Butch/Femme Photo Project. http://astrangerinthisplace.blogspot.com/p/butchfemme-photo-project.html

My friend, Nik's, Top Surgery Fund: http://www.indiegogo.com/thisnikstransition?c=home

My friend, Medina's, fundraising efforts for her family in a time of medical crisis: https://www.facebook.com/notes/medina-doryfish-cardona/transitioning/385258054886227

Fundraising efforts for another one of my friend's medical needs: http://naimalowe.chipin.com/the-hole-in-beccas-gut

The Portland Q Center is a great place to donate to. http://www.pdxqcenter.org/

The Cascade AIDS Project (World AIDS Day is December 1st!). http://cascadeaids.org/

This page contains many links to help with the recovery efforts after Hurricane Sandy. http://www.crowdrise.com/sandyrelief

The wonderful organization, ASPCA. http://www.aspca.org/

Another wonderful organization, the Humane Society. http://www.humanesociety.org/

The Born Free Foundation. http://www.bornfree.org.uk/

Meals on Wheels. http://www.mowaa.org/

These and many other causes. People helping people is what the holidays are about.

Peace and blessings to you and yours.

Be Thankful Every Day

I am thankful for you.

Peace and blessings.

Gifts and Shame

I have a really difficult time asking for help or for things that I want. Lately I've been working a lot to heal my internal shame that creates this feeling. It's hidden in there pretty deep and I'm finding that it's probably one of the biggest struggles with self that I've ever encountered. Having a small sense of worth and belonging, which, to be honest, is sometimes worse then others, doesn't help with my internalized sense of "not good enough". This is the shame I'm talking about.

I'm finding that this is really hard to put into words.

Basically, it's hard for me to ask for help or for things that I want. I've always been one of those who spends very little on herself and always thinks twice about a purchase for herself but will never think twice about a purchase for a friend or a family member. With just about every fundraiser I come across, I do my best to pitch in somehow. I know there are a lot of people and organizations in need at this time and I don't hesitate to send any money I can their way. Whether it's $5, $10 or $20, I do what I can.

But, when it comes to fundraising for myself or spending money on my passions I balk. I have a hard time marketing myself. Not just to everyone else but to me, as well! This is why my photography business has gone quiet. This is why I haven't yet attempted any fundraising for the Butch/Femme Photo Project. This is why I haven't let very many people know about the fundraising effort my girlfriend is putting forth to raise money for a camera lens I so desperately want for my upcoming birthday and holiday in December. She created an event for it on Facebook and every time I've gone in to "invite" people I get halfway through and think, "But everyone is struggling and there's so many other people in need right now. Who am I to ask for this?" The moment I think that I click on "Cancel" then struggle with it again.

I'm not sure how to work past this. Yet. But, I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I just need to put this out there. (From my girlfriend.)

Wendi will be having a birthday in December and all she really wants is a camera lens for her new photo project. These are incredibly expensive. If any of you can spare it, I would like to get her the lens with the help of friends and family. I have a PayPal account. The email address is frisia69@yahoo.com and please pick "personal" and "gift". Any amount you can contribute would be amazing! She is so dedicated and glows when she talks about this project. If you are unsure how to use PayPal, please email me and I can help! Thank you so much for considering helping out. I know money is tight.

I know money is tight these days and I know there are so many in need right now but if you can help in any way, even if it's just a dollar, I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you.

Writing

I'm not sure where this image comes from. I like it.

This year I've decided to accept the challenge of participating in NaNoWriMo. It's National Novel Writing Month and it's all about writing a novel in 30 days. That's 50,000 words in 30 days. If you've ever written a story, or not honestly, you'll know just how crazy this is. It's a pretty steep challenge.

I think most participants write stories but I've decided to use it to start working on a memoir of sorts. My story. Everyone has one but not everyone writes it down for one reason or another.

Through blogging and online journals I've discovered the value in sharing your story. People who read my posts have emailed me or commented that they can somehow relate and they're glad they're not alone in those feelings. Because of this discovery, I've been wanting to work on a memoir.

It isn't about how I survived the wild after trekking out on my own or how I survived a bus crash in a third world country but it is about how I survived life itself. How I got to this time in my life where more and more things are starting to make sense, even though the rest of the world seems a bit crazy at the moment.

It's about how I came out, the way I move and present in the world, how I got to that point in my life where I figured out that living a miserable life that looks nothing like the life I wanted was just not worth it anymore. Throwing away a career and a way of life, namely being able to pay the bills and save a little. Not to mention the respect of a few people.

For this challenge, in order for me to hit the target of 50,000 words in 30 days I have to write an average of 1,667 words per day. The first day was a breeze. I pounded out over 1,700 words but the last two days were a bit more difficult, to say the least. I realized today that I'm bringing to my consciousness things I hadn't thought about in years. Things that I may or may not have worked through during the course of my life. Hard things.

So, the writing slowed. But, I'm not going to belittle myself for it. The fact is, I sat down to write at some point during each of the last 3 days. Writing is something I've missed more then anyone could ever imagine. Writing, for me, is like breathing. Sometimes each word is a breath, other days every other word is an inhalation and every other word is an exhalation. Then there are the days when every character is a breath because the flow is so quick and I just can't write fast enough to get the words out of my head and if I don't keep up with the words my world will end!

But, the most important thing is to write. No matter how many words, how much time I spend doing it, or whether or not I create a story. The most important thing is to write.