What I've Been Up To (In Photos)

Run/walking while trying to get into House of Cards. It's just not grabbing me but I continue to watch it.

Enjoyed some red wine and chocolate chip cookies along with some good, old fashioned letter writing. 

Took Scarlett for a walk on the beach since the weather warmed up and the sun was out. I couldn't resist.

Picked up my guitar after many, many months of not picking up my guitar. She felt so good.

More run/walking, although a lot less of the run part these days. The knees are not liking this new routine very much.

Lots of organizational work on the Butch/Femme Photo Project. Scarlett is exhausted from it all.

Since the weather started warming up, I felt the need to go back to my buzz cuts that I love so much.

Then my head got cold because it frickin' snowed. Again. In March.

I bought my first pair of Chucks.

In other news, due to some school things that I really need to take care of, my departure date to head back to Portland has been moved up by 3 weeks. I'm now taking off from here on April 19th to start the long trek back to the Pacific Northwest. I am very much looking forward to squeezing the bejesus out of my family and friends once I get back.

Until then, I am working, hanging out in beautiful Ipswich with some cool people and animals, FINALLY making a trip to NYC (twice!) and will be visiting my sister in Connecticut once more. Oh, and a lot of walks on Crane Beach.

Excited About Running?

After taking the day off from exercising on Saturday, I ran/walked 2.2 miles, did 55 crunches, 16 push ups and about a 25 second plank last night. A couple hours later I was pretty uncomfortable and my knees were very stiff. There was a bit of swelling in both of them so I became a bit concerned. Getting on the treadmill has become the highlight of my day and I really don't want to stop now.

Last night I began to think that I might have to stop. Thankfully, this morning I was moving around just fine and the stiffness has subsided so I'm going to push forward with it. I think the muscles around my knees are finally getting some strength back so it's going to be uncomfortable for a bit.

In the meantime, I started looking into a new pair of running shoes and found this pair. The reviews on Zappo say they're good for heavier runners with bad knees. Perfect. I ordered them. As much as it pains me to pay more then $35 for a pair of shoes for myself. (Yeah, I know.)

Where this excitement over running has come from has been a bit of a mystery to me. Other then being excited about being able to do something I haven't been able to do for a while nor did I ever think I'd be able to do again. Other than that, I've never been much of a runner.

Then this morning, my Mom sends me a text message telling me that she used me as an example yesterday in her talk at church (she's a minister). She said that my workouts, specially running on the treadmill, are about running toward what I desire rather than staying in a place that keeps me mired in what is no longer working.

Mystery solved. There's where the excitement is coming from.

Brilliant woman, my Mom.

In All Honesty

This is me standing up to my toxic thinking.

Letting go of the past does not equate to forgetting about it.

Letting go means I remember it, honor it and take the lessons from it but I do not dwell on it nor live in it. I live in the present and begin the rest of my life from this moment as a better person because I have learned from my mistakes. I will make more, I am only human. But I will learn from those as well. I will also forgive myself, let go, embrace the lessons and move on doing my best to never make those mistakes again.

Staying single is about finding trust in myself. Trust in knowing I can make myself happy and that I don't have to struggle in this life any longer nor find someone that will make me happy. The finances are part of it but I want to make it clear that I'm doing it for me. Not for a potential partner nor to find a space in this society where I am accepted as a responsible person. I've spent my entire life being responsible and trying to be accepted by society. I don't need society's approval and I don't have to prove myself to anyone but me.

In my meditations on all of this, what I've discovered is I need to prove to myself that my self worth comes from me and only me. Hence the word “self” in “self worth”. It doesn't come from any other person on this planet. The other night while sitting on the couch I realized that my self worth has been wrapped up in things outside of myself. For far too long now it has been wrapped up in the idea of someone loving me or needing me. If no one needs me or is interested in me then I am worthless. Even as I sent a text message about this epiphany to my Mom I realized that I was looking to her to tell me what my worth is. Wow, Wendi, really?

I've handed over this power to those around me that, in essence, dictates whether or not I am worthy of existing in this world.

Let me say that again because it is a rather heavily weighted sentence. For me, at least.

I have handed over power to others that dictates whether or not I am worthy of existing in this world.

Holy shit.

That power comes in many forms; comparing myself to others, molding myself into what someone wants in order to gain their love and attention, denying my own self in relationships to keep others loving me, and so many other ways I'm sure I'll think of later.

It's time to stop. I'm taking back that power and am now on a journey to find my own self worth. Because I am so new to this and I've freely given this power away without even knowing it, I am choosing to remain single for now. Less distractions on the path, perhaps, but also knowing that the waves caused by my splashing about in this muck won't crash into someone so close to me is comforting. By the time they reach those around me they will be a small wave of white foam. I do my best to protect the ones I love.

In my post about shifting perspective I was, in all honesty, being very tough on myself by plotting out something that may be next to impossible to achieve. Even as I typed those words about how I plan on getting my financial ship turned upright and staying single until it's done, I realized that I was setting myself up to be single for the remainder of my life. But I didn't stop typing. I didn't edit any of it. Why? Because deep down inside the real issue is I don't feel worthy of being loved.

Ah ha! There it is. The same wall I keep running up against over and over thinking it'll be different this time.

Oh crap.

Ok, maybe this time.

Shit.

Now?

Damn.

The truth of the matter is, I don't want to be single for the remainder of my days so let's squash this booger now, shall we?

I want to feel worthy of being loved. I want to know that I am comfortable being single, confident in who I am and completely aware of my own self worth. It's taking a lot of work, a lot of grief and a hell of a lot of reprogramming but I am doing it. Day by day and sometimes moment by moment I am walking this Earth in awareness of myself, my emotions and my thoughts. Recognizing those old thought patterns will help me change them by redirecting them to a more positive and self affirming space.

There have been and will be slips along the way. Like I said earlier, I am only human. But the more I practice the better I'll get at it. Eventually, it'll just come naturally.

Looking back in this blog I found this post I made back in August of 2011. It's interesting how I keep coming back to the same thing. Interesting and a wee bit annoying. Let's get past this now.

Running

Many of you might know that in 2010 I had to leave the world of professional women's football due to an unrepairable knee injury. I haven't been able to run ever since then which has taken a toll on me both mentally and emotionally. 

Until last night. I got on the treadmill last night and ran/walked for 1.7 miles and it felt amazing. There was a little pain here and there but mostly when I ran without proper form. 

This morning my knees are a little upset but not swollen. This is huge for me. I was feeling so good after the treadmill that I pumped out 50 crunches, 14 slow push ups and a 45 second plank. 

Guess who's on her way back. 

The Positive Side

In thinking about my post from yesterday and how I've been feeling these past few days, I think I need to take a moment to focus on what I have accomplished in this life so far because right now I feel like a complete failure.

Yes, I'm not sitting in a very attractive place and I have a lot to work on but do you know how I got here? By making the best decisions I knew how to at the time. 

I served our country in the Marines. I graduated from basic training #1 out of 100 women and I graduated from diesel mechanics training #3 out of 50 men. 

I raised a son who has grown up to be a very loving and compassionate and creative addition to this world. For seven years, between the ages of 2 and 9, I did it on my own. I was in my 20's back then, as well, and received no help financially from his Father.

I put myself through college to earn a Bachelor's degree. 

I put my son through college so he could earn a Bachelor's degree.

I became a published author. In an actual book.

I helped open a youth GLBTQI center in San Diego.

I served as treasurer for Southern Oregon GLSEN.

I helped start a women's professional football team in Portland that still exists for women who have always wanted to play full contact football.

I walked away from a job that was killing my soul and supported myself through odd jobs, walking dogs and taking photographs.

I ran a successful Kickstarter campaign for a photo project that is very close to my heart. It funded $10,000 for my travels around the US and Canada.

I did what I needed to do to raise my son and to survive and I gave back to my community as well as I could. Now I get to take my turn in this life and find my happiness. I get to make that decision to go back to school and start on a new path and as my Mom pointed out, that is loving myself. 

There. That feels a bit better.

A Shift In Perspective

There's a character I once started to develop in my thoughts a while back who I never did sit down and write about. She's an older lesbian who lives in a little cabin on some property on Mt. Hood in Oregon. It's just her and a few big dogs up there. She had given up on love relationships long before so she was single and preferred to keep it that way.

I think I may be becoming that character.

I find myself in this place where I have no desire to be in a relationship after spending most of my life doing nothing but obsessing over being in a relationship or getting into one or figuring out what's wrong with me that creates this track record of failed relationships. Falling in love and finding “the one” was all I could dream about or think about. Being loved was all I wanted.

Now here I sit with none of those wants or desires. I've asked myself if I'm just numb. Perhaps, in a way, yes. That feeling of desperation and brooding over love that I have had in the past, when in those periods of being single, is not here. This is so new for me that I'm stumbling through it feeling a bit confused. Am I depressed or have I really made this major shift in perspective? Or, am I depressed or sad about making this shift in perspective? I seemed to have let go of the idea of being in the happily-ever-after and have embraced just being. Which is a good thing. A healthy thing. In my perspective, at least. My inner romantic seems to have been replaced by a realist and cynic.

Over the past few months I've really opened my eyes and taken a good, hard look at myself and where I am in life and can see the reality of its unattractiveness to others in this world. I am burdened with a tremendous amount of student loan debt for my own degree and most of my son's. I have old credit card debt. My credit score is terrible. I own only a car and all of my belongings fit into said car. I haven't rented my own place since April of 2012 and even in getting that place, I needed some help. I have a finance degree that I have absolutely no desire to find work with, hence no desire to bust past the $15 an hour salary in the field of business.

About a year or so ago, a friend of mine on Facebook posted something about a dating site requiring that you post your credit score in your dating profile, or something along those lines. I disagreed with and even tried to argue that my credit score or my financial position in life does not define who I am. That I am a good person with lots of love to give despite my crummy financial state. While that may be true, the reality of this world is that being a good person and loving well isn't going to hold things together or help make dreams come true.

I am 44 years old. How I expected anyone to look past all of this and “just love me for me” is beyond me. It's also incredibly unrealistic and not at all conducive to a healthy and equal ground relationship. It's been my experience that when someone in my position is in a relationship with someone in a much better position in this life, judgement and resentment eventually raise their ugly heads. Those two things are toxic to love. They'll slowly choke that love out until they are the only things that remain.

Back in 2010, I thought that all I needed to do was learn to love myself. That's still part of it but it isn't all of it. This time my plan is to stay single. For a while. While I work on these things. I think I've finally found a career path that resonates with me and my passions plus it will sustain me and is one I want to excel in. It'll require taking on more student loan debt, but it's worth it to me. I've also finally learned to be smarter with the money I make and have discovered the joy in watching my savings account grow. This summer I start back to school to work on my pre-reqs for the Radiography program, which I am beyond excited about. While doing that I'll need to work to pay the bills and, as another re-req for the program, I'll need to volunteer at one of the hospitals. While all of this is happening I'll be living as simply and inexpensively as possible and working on paying off all of my old debt while working with the company who holds my student loans. Also during all of that I will be working on finishing up the photo project book I started a couple years ago.

Basically, I want to get to a better financial spot in my life before I even start to think about getting into a relationship again. Even when that time comes, if ever, there will be many years of dating someone before committing and when that commitment happens I want to walk into it on equal grounds with that person. Which could mean I'll be single for a good long while but I am willing to accept that. I'd much rather it be that way then some other way that will end painfully again. I can't bare that pain again and I definitely can't bare to be the cause of it.

In the past, this all would have been an incredibly sad situation to me. Sad and lonely. But it isn't. It just is what it is. Reality. I've finally moved past the fairy tales and the desperate need to be loved and it feels, well, realistic and healthy. Ok, yeah. Maybe a bit lonely at times. But, this is my time to be selfish and find the things that make me happy and support myself through school and not worry about how it affects someone else who has their own hopes and dreams. This is when I figure out what my hopes and dreams are. This is when I stop simply surviving in this life and start to thrive.

Who The Hell Am I Kidding?

I can't stay away from this place.

Yes, I'm on the path to finding myself but I'm a long way from that goal. That's what this blog was about, right?

Putting my thoughts and experiences out there has helped a few people and helping people is one of my passions. Plus, writing helps me, so, bonus.

I'm still in a very introverted stage but I want to keep this outlet open.

I can't promise any sort of regularity, specially when I start back to school, but I will be posting when the inspiration hits me.

Thanks for understanding and for reading!