The subject of being single has been haunting me these past few weeks. While I am incredibly happy for those around me who have found someone to love and to be loved by, the constant reminders that I am currently a citizen of Singledom is sometimes excruciatingly painful. My hearts need to love and be loved is sometimes overwhelming. Specially during this season when the leaves begin to change and the temperature begins to drop, which makes for really nice cuddling in front of a movie weather.
I spent this morning reading through some of my old journals and after a bit of contemplation on the patterns I noticed within my past relationships, I have once again come to realize that I really need to work on loving myself. I’ve made this realization several times within the last few years but, to be honest, haven’t really done the work. There have been times where I’ve put forth a good effort but I have yet to completely follow through until it stuck.
What made this realization rip through my chest and smack me in the heart was an entry I made on January 18, 2005. It goes something like this: Am I not raw enough? Not passionate enough? Not hot? Not sexual? Why does it always seem to come to “I love you. You’re so sweet, so tender, so generous, BUT I NEED MORE.”?
The funny thing is, when I think about each and every relationship I’ve been in since then and the way in which they ended, I could have made this entry after every one of them. The answer to the question is, yes, they do need more. More of me. Loving them so intensely and unconditionally is only part of it. I would venture to say that it’s only half of it and ask myself what it is I’m giving them to love. Am I only giving someone my love, the things I do for them and the way I treat them to love? That’s not giving of myself. There’s a person in this body and these actions. Who is that person?
The pain of losing relationships and fighting through the storms of my life has closed me off. The titanium, concrete and brick wall that surrounds my heart has become incredibly thick. It’s time to start dismantling it and directing that love that I so freely give to others towards myself. I can do this without diminishing the love I continue to give to them.
Imagine what could be possible if I started loving myself as much as I’ve loved them. I have journals filled with letters to the women I have loved through the years. Letters I wrote while we were together and letters that I wrote after we broke up. What if I started writing love letters to myself?
With all of you as my witness, I hereby make this my declaration to love myself. To make this trip home with the intent of remembering who I am and where I come from. To be and remain proud of who I have become and to not allow anyone to make me feel less than. I am stepping off, once again, onto the path of self-love and discovery. This time, I’m sticking with it to see where it takes me.